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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
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Grief - How we process

05/13/2012 new

This is really an offshoot of another post that started to go off-tangent into grief and how quickly men remarried. I think some women remarry quickly as well. I just don't see it as the great big issue that was being made. My Dad loved my Mom beyond measure. They shared roughly 30 years together. He took care of her as ALS stole her life. He also grieved her as she was dying. I was not surprised that he started dating about six months later. I don't understand how anyone can put a meter on how long, how deeply another person grieves.

I think, in the case of terminal illness, we all grieve our loved one through the dying process. I know how my Mom chose to die helped me accept and have some peace in her final days. Am I wrong in this?

Any feedback would be most appreciated,

Anne Marie

05/13/2012 new
(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said: This is really an offshoot of another post that started to go off-tangent into grief and how quickly men re...
(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said:

This is really an offshoot of another post that started to go off-tangent into grief and how quickly men remarried. I think some women remarry quickly as well. I just don't see it as the great big issue that was being made. My Dad loved my Mom beyond measure. They shared roughly 30 years together. He took care of her as ALS stole her life. He also grieved her as she was dying. I was not surprised that he started dating about six months later. I don't understand how anyone can put a meter on how long, how deeply another person grieves.



I think, in the case of terminal illness, we all grieve our loved one through the dying process. I know how my Mom chose to die helped me accept and have some peace in her final days. Am I wrong in this?



Any feedback would be most appreciated,



Anne Marie





--hide--


I think God heals hearts at different rates. Some who had wonderful blessed marriages want that with someone else right away. And some like my Grandmother live the rest of their lives as a widow/widower without seeking another. I think it is all up to the individual... rose angel
05/15/2012 new

We all grieve diferently and at different rates. Going through all the steps is critical in being free to "move on" and much depends on the strength of the relationship or the perceptions of the relationship. Some with guilt and/or anger may grieve longer because of the forgiveness hang ups. I am thinking too that perhaps some remarry more quickly because of insecurity or dependency issues. But I would agree that none of us recognize what impact we have on the world around us and those we leave behind. I, for one, have made it clear to those I know and I reinforce the notion that I am confident in my NEW DESTINATION and it is the new beginning not an ending. I try making it clear that I am looking to hear "well done..." Put that in the grieving process and note the happy grin that helps us through. At least that is what I hope to cause rather than saddness.

05/15/2012 new

From what I have been told, grief is "work", you have to work through what you have to work through, however long it takes you to do it. It also is very individual, that each person grieves at their own pace, in their own way. You are not supposed to let anybody tell you how to grieve.


Generally I am doing fine. Occasionally I pick up something and it reminds me of my spouse and I cry. I don't expect that will cease, just that it will happen less frequently.




Richard





07/02/2012 new
(Quote) Richard-831657 said: From what I have been told, grief is "work", you have to work through what you have to work through...
(Quote) Richard-831657 said:

From what I have been told, grief is "work", you have to work through what you have to work through, however long it takes you to do it. It also is very individual, that each person grieves at their own pace, in their own way. You are not supposed to let anybody tell you how to grieve.






Generally I am doing fine. Occasionally I pick up something and it reminds me of my spouse and I cry. I don't expect that will cease, just that it will happen less frequently.








Richard









--hide--


I feel for you Richard. Grief is a process. For me, a long process. Although I am doing a lot better and have accepted that my spouse will never come back, the pain still lingers. A smell, an event, a place, a song... anything can trigger it.

Over time, I have been told, it will get increasingly better. sad
07/03/2012 new
Grief is pretty personal. While I am currently fine,there are certain days (Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, etc) that prick my heart. The one area that I struggle with the most is airport reunions. There is nothing like seeing men and women in uniforms having a happy reunion that can bring me to my knees. I am not paralyzed by grief and I while I will always miss Phil's presence in my life, I am thankful that I had 23 years, that he loved me well (and I loved him well)' and that we had the "what if" talk. Like all of us, this is not where I saw myself nor is it the life I ever wanted to know, but I want my lifesong to sing even through the darkness because I am thankful for the 23 years we had.
09/08/2012 new

Anne Marie,

You are so right. I am so sorry about your Mom's death but, your father had to figure out how to keep going. It is difficult to always be alone without that someone special who is a friend, companion, partner, lover. People move on at different paces and one of the reasons is the amount of grieving that was done while their spouse died. I am very glad you didn't fault your father - I know it meant a lot to him.

Peace

Bernie

09/08/2012 new

(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said: This is really an offshoot of another post that started to go off-tangent into grief and how ...
(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said:

This is really an offshoot of another post that started to go off-tangent into grief and how quickly men remarried. I think some women remarry quickly as well. I just don't see it as the great big issue that was being made. My Dad loved my Mom beyond measure. They shared roughly 30 years together. He took care of her as ALS stole her life. He also grieved her as she was dying. I was not surprised that he started dating about six months later. I don't understand how anyone can put a meter on how long, how deeply another person grieves.

I think, in the case of terminal illness, we all grieve our loved one through the dying process. I know how my Mom chose to die helped me accept and have some peace in her final days. Am I wrong in this?

Any feedback would be most appreciated,

Anne Marie

--hide--


Thank you Bernadette, for bringing this back up to my attention. I am in a new passage filled with grief. It is not of a person, but a change in circumstance that affects my daily life. Our priest has been moved. Grief is grief. It's new and raw right now. That part is odd, too. To those that don't grieve fully, they have no idea what is going on with me. I'm glad I'm in this place now. smile heart

09/08/2012 new

(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said: This is really an offshoot of another post that started to go off-tangent into grief and how ...
(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said:

This is really an offshoot of another post that started to go off-tangent into grief and how quickly men remarried. I think some women remarry quickly as well. I just don't see it as the great big issue that was being made. My Dad loved my Mom beyond measure. They shared roughly 30 years together. He took care of her as ALS stole her life. He also grieved her as she was dying. I was not surprised that he started dating about six months later. I don't understand how anyone can put a meter on how long, how deeply another person grieves.

I think, in the case of terminal illness, we all grieve our loved one through the dying process. I know how my Mom chose to die helped me accept and have some peace in her final days. Am I wrong in this?

Any feedback would be most appreciated,

Anne Marie

--hide--
Somehow I missed your thread.

Your comment about your father grieving during your mother's illness rings true. My own wife was ill for over 10 years. As time passed, we came to rely upon commitment to see us through. But, also during this time, married life as we once knew it was disappearing. When she passed away and we were talking to our Pastor about arrangements, I mentioned that I felt I had already gone through at least part of the grieving process. He agreed.

Let there be no doubt that the worst of it hits afterward, but I believe the situation shortens the length of time one needs to regain his/her equilibrium --mentally, physically and spiritually. The grief process can begin early, but I think there's little chance of escaping the aftermath effects.

It's hard to say if your father was truly ready because there's a re-inventing process that takes place as well. Perspective changes; daily life changes drastically; many other changes occur -- some gradually. One way for you to see it is that he valued his marriage so much that he wanted to be close to another woman as soon as he was ready to do so. If this was the case, he is in fact paying tribute to your mother and is thankful for the good years. The fact that he devoted so much time to her care speaks well of his commitment.

I'm glad you were not disturbed about your father beginning to date in what seems to most people a short period of time. I'm sure he still thinks of your mother often but with better understanding of what took place.

09/08/2012 new

Thanks Ray. He did. He died three years ago on the 20th. He eventually married the woman he dated, but he and I had several private conversations about my 'mom' that last week that I was able to spend time with him. heart

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