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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together & 5 young kids weren't worth trying to fight for. I still can't tolerate him...don't want to talk to him or look at him. I communicate through emails & text. I constantly pray to give me the strength to move beyond this point, to find peace...& some days I think I have reached that point, or close to it. But then he comes to pick up the kids, drop something off & that feeling of pure disgust comes flooding back in. I know it isn't healthy & I know that even though I try my hardest to always talk good (or at least not negatively) about their dad, that I have to be sending off vibes. I tried to explain that we use to be best friends but that mom couldn't be dad's friend right now, that with time things might be different. But will it? Will I ever move past this point of loathing him? Someone give me hope wide eyed

05/28/2012 new

I cannot even imagine what you are going through with 5 young kids still at home. My prayers for you to keep the faith and TRUST IN HIM. Keep turning to our Father and Mother for guidance and don't let Satan win. God Bless you on this journey.

flower

05/29/2012 new

You have not forgiven him for what he has done. Just when you think you are past it, youre not. I know this because I am there myself. It took me over 2 years to forgive and get past what someone did to me and my child in the past. I am there again and struggle on a daily basis and even though I have forgiven in the past, I'm not sure how it is done. I just know that you can't do it alone. You need Gods help and time to pass. I think the best thing to do beyond prayer is to try to think positive thoughts. Also, is it really him you loath or is it your decisions? You may have to forgive yourself too. I know I do. Good luck and God Bless.

05/29/2012 new

Laura, just a thought, but when you pray to Jesus for yourself, as hard as it may be, also pray for your ex-husband. I know that seems impossible right now, but eventually, it will bring peace to you. And, you can certainly ask God to send the Holy Spirit to your ex-husband to enlighten him so that at some point he may come to realize what he's done and be repentant for it. Of course, considering how men can be, he may need to be hit by a lightning bolt from God to become aware of what he's lost (ie., you). In the meantime, the best advice a priest ever gave me was "to cleave unto Jesus" - if you have to, hang on to Jesus as if you were drowning - He will get you through this!

05/29/2012 new
In the beginning of the divorce I went to mass daily but I still wasn't feeling peace. Then my brother told me that he went to a divorce conference. What he remembered was that in the first year of divorce you might spend 70% of your time on your ex. I was shocked. But I.noticed what was happening. I called two.spiritual accountability buddies to help me to.get things in respective. I started with joining a complative prayer group, attended a Catholic divorce conference, and picked up books such as Max Lucado's Facing your Giants, Armstrong's "Happily Ever After" and reading the books of Psalm, Proverbs, and Sirach.

Gloria had great advice. Forgive yourself. The first father's Day was tough. Theyblibed their dad but I felt that they deserved better. Then peace came to.say that they will.learn much from.him and to.pray to.their heavenly father that they learn only the good stuff..

Don't feed the anger monster. Recognize what is at the root of that anger but don't dwell on it. Don't give your ex the power over your relationship.with God and the peace God as to.offer you.
05/30/2012 new

Laura~
I am sorry that you are hurting. I have been trying to deal with a similar situation. He didn't want to fight for me or our beautiful family that we created, it baffled me. I was anger but I realized that I was just hurting myself. I was always holding on to the hope that he would realize we were what he wanted and come back willing to do anything to make things right. I had to accept that, that was never going to happen. It is only through the grace of God that am able to accept that. I have to pray everyday for that grace. It is only through that grace from God that I am able to forgive my ex for all the hurt he has caused. I just thank God that I was able to remove myself and my children from such damaging life. My children weren't learning how a marriage should be when they weren't seeing any love or respect coming from their father to their mother. I am so blessed that through all the rough times I was given 4 of God's most precious gifts. You need to ask for the grace from God to see how much better off you are without your ex in your life. God has something better planned for you if you just trust in Him unconditionally. God knows your true wants, needs, and desires if you only give yourself to him without reserve He will give you blessings beyond anything you could have ever imagined. Also, know that you are not alone even though at time you may think or feel that you are. Those are the times when God is the closest to you, if you allow Him. There are also lots of other people who are going through similar situations that you can reach out to. I will pray for you and may God bless you and your family.

05/30/2012 new

(Quote) Laura-824866 said: It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 year...
(Quote) Laura-824866 said:

It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together & 5 young kids weren't worth trying to fight for. I still can't tolerate him...don't want to talk to him or look at him. I communicate through emails & text. I constantly pray to give me the strength to move beyond this point, to find peace...& some days I think I have reached that point, or close to it. But then he comes to pick up the kids, drop something off & that feeling of pure disgust comes flooding back in. I know it isn't healthy & I know that even though I try my hardest to always talk good (or at least not negatively) about their dad, that I have to be sending off vibes. I tried to explain that we use to be best friends but that mom couldn't be dad's friend right now, that with time things might be different. But will it? Will I ever move past this point of loathing him? Someone give me hope

--hide--


I never spoke against my ex to my older kids on any level..And he left us for another woman.. As they grew up they figured it out for themselves and now they will speak freely to me about their own issues with him. And I speak back..

My relationship with my second ex and my son with him is more complicated.. My son adores his dad and I feel pretty much like you do.. He was abusive to my other kids and we separated when Drew was 4.. By not speaking out against him early on I gave him 20 years to undermine me to my son.. I pretty much hate his guts for ruining my relationship with Drew..He's 69, so I know it will end eventually..

05/30/2012 new
(Quote) Laura-824866 said: It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together &am...
(Quote) Laura-824866 said:

It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together & 5 young kids weren't worth trying to fight for. I still can't tolerate him...don't want to talk to him or look at him. I communicate through emails & text. I constantly pray to give me the strength to move beyond this point, to find peace...& some days I think I have reached that point, or close to it. But then he comes to pick up the kids, drop something off & that feeling of pure disgust comes flooding back in. I know it isn't healthy & I know that even though I try my hardest to always talk good (or at least not negatively) about their dad, that I have to be sending off vibes. I tried to explain that we use to be best friends but that mom couldn't be dad's friend right now, that with time things might be different. But will it? Will I ever move past this point of loathing him? Someone give me hope

--hide--


Try this prayer for 9 nights before you go to sleep:

Healing Prayer at Bedtime

Jesus through the power of the Holy Spirit, go back into my memory as I sleep. Every hurt that has ever been done to me - heal that hurt. Every hurt that has ever been done to me - heal that hurt. All the relationships that have ever been damaged in my whole life that I am aware of - heal those relationships. But Lord, if there is anything that I need to do - if I need to go to a person because he is still suffering from my hand, bring to my awareness that person. I choose to forgive, and I ask to be forgiven. Remove whatever bitterness may be in my heart, Lord, and fill the empty spaces with your love. Thank you, Jesus, Amen...

Also I find it helpful to try to go to First Friday Masses.... Hope this helps. God Bless Brenda angel
05/31/2012 new

This is why I am here! For the understanding, support & wonderful advice! Thank you so much everyone...it helps tremendously to know others have felt, are feeling, the exact same thing. You inspire me to keep my faith & to trust God is hearing me, & is standing beside me--if not holding me!


Brenda, what a great prayer! I will start saying it, & probably more than just 9 nights, LOL...it will be my enternal novena! laughing

07/16/2012 new

Here are a few things I've found that might help.

Friends and family members may think they're helping by "bashing" him when you're around; however, this seems to be a self-perpetuating negative cycle. You get so hung up on all the bad things that you end up thinking about this all the time. Explain this, and most people will at least tone it down for you and it will help.

Make sure you're not inadvertently blaming yourself. "If I had just..." You will have to learn to spot the start of these thought processes and stop them. Find yourself again. What makes you unique, special? This is a hard thing to do, but will improve your life greatly.

Accept that this is a grief process. That means there's really not a timeline. It is exceedingly hard to balance this idea with societal expectations. Someone at work was trying to set me up on a date with a really wonderful man (we are friends now) only a few months after my ex-husband left and filed for divorce. (Why? Because he's the only single Catholic man in town around my age, apparently. This is a really small town.) It threw me for a curve ball, and I literally panicked and couldn't even talk to him for a while even though he had nothing to do with the attempted setup. I literally started stuttering around him, embarassing when you're nearly thirty. Now I laugh at myself - there was no way I was ready to even consider the possibility that it was not a valid marriage, that I am reasonably young, and that - gasp here - perhaps this whole mess was actually not entirely my fault. I was still blaming myself for everything from the day I went on the first date with my ex-husband, trying to pick through the wreckage, and it showed.

I hope something here helps. I will offer some prayers for you this evening.

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