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Singles discussion related to wedding planning, engagement, and married life should be posted in this room.

Saint Valentine is patron saint of love, young people, and happy marriages.
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06/19/2012 new

Why is it that people seem to expect people to change if they are going to get into a relationship or get married? I like to go out to the bars, and indeed alot of times its with coworkers on work functions. While I get that I shouldn't expect to be able to do thatr everyweekend, why should I have to give up any part of who I am? I love to hunt, fish camp, hit the bars (though I don't get beligerently drunk), and I like to work. I understand that I will have to do LESS of them to make lots of room for her, that I'm willing to do. Why is it then, that so many women in my area seem to think I should change my personality so much?

06/19/2012 new

(Quote) Nicholas-863393 said: Why is it that people seem to expect people to change if they are going to get into a relation...
(Quote) Nicholas-863393 said:

Why is it that people seem to expect people to change if they are going to get into a relationship or get married? I like to go out to the bars, and indeed alot of times its with coworkers on work functions. While I get that I shouldn't expect to be able to do thatr everyweekend, why should I have to give up any part of who I am? I love to hunt, fish camp, hit the bars (though I don't get beligerently drunk), and I like to work. I understand that I will have to do LESS of them to make lots of room for her, that I'm willing to do. Why is it then, that so many women in my area seem to think I should change my personality so much?

--hide--


My dad liked to go out to the bar too.. Every night and many hours on the weekend.. Because we only had one car we kids were not able to be in sports or any after school activities... He hunted and fished too.. All vacations were taken with his ability to fish as a primary object.. On two occasions during my teen years I had to call the bar and get him home because my mom was hemorrhaging from miscarriages. During the second pregnancy my mother was bedridden and he decided to take me to the grocery store on icy roads and we slid halfway up into a neighbors yard. I can go on and give you all kinds of reasons why hitting the bars isn't a good idea when you're responsible for a family.. But I'll just say.. IMO if you're not ready to give that up. maybe you need a few more years sowing your wild oats before you settle into a marriage..

06/19/2012 new

(Quote) Donna-83441 said: My dad liked to go out to the bar too.. Every night and many hours on the weekend.
(Quote) Donna-83441 said:


My dad liked to go out to the bar too.. Every night and many hours on the weekend.

--hide--


You know it's quite insulting to assume that I go out to the bar everynight and on the weekends too. It's almosty like you just called me an alcholic. And then to say that because I enjoy hunting and fishing I'll neglect my family? My dad liked to hunt and fish, you know what he did? He included the family, well on the fishing, had to wait to hunt until I was older. On top of that I'm not looking to leap right into Marriage. Yes I want to be married. But I don't want it to be next weekend. And I don't want it to be with someone that finds a good time sitting in front of the television. Just because your dad did those things and was a dirt bag, doesn't mean everyone who does those things is.

06/19/2012 new

One possibility is that women are not saying that they don't like men who hunt, or drink, but they may be looking at the big picture, and see you as a wild young man, or a party animal, a redneck with their gun rack in their pickup truck, or whatever, and just don't think that kind of man is marriage material. A young man in my family was smart, but a bit wild, and hung out with a wild crowd. He and his friends did something they should not have, and ended up charged with a felony, which he pleaded down to a misdemeanor. This will probably haunt him for his entire life, especially in terms of jobs.

Reading your note carefully, you say "I don't get beligerantly drunk", but that suggests that you might in fact drink enough to be legally drunk, in terms of DWIs. Have you ever had a DWI or DWAI? And of course drinkers always minimize their drinking, deny that they have a problem, etc. You can swear on a mile of bibles that you don't have a drinking problem, but those kind of words mean nothing, or less than nothing. If anybody , and I mean anybody, thinks that you have a drinking problem, you probably do. And as Donna suggests, many people have had bad experience with alcoholics in their family. So if you look like you might be an alcoholic, then women might stay clear, even if in fact you do not fit the official definition of an alcoholic, at least not at this point in time.

If this is a pretty consistent issue, then you might have to rethink how you are living.

Richard

06/19/2012 new

(Quote) Nicholas-863393 said: You know it's quite insulting to assume that I go out to the bar eve...
(Quote) Nicholas-863393 said:


You know it's quite insulting to assume that I go out to the bar everynight and on the weekends too. It's almosty like you just called me an alcholic. And then to say that because I enjoy hunting and fishing I'll neglect my family? My dad liked to hunt and fish, you know what he did? He included the family, well on the fishing, had to wait to hunt until I was older. On top of that I'm not looking to leap right into Marriage. Yes I want to be married. But I don't want it to be next weekend. And I don't want it to be with someone that finds a good time sitting in front of the television. Just because your dad did those things and was a dirt bag, doesn't mean everyone who does those things is.

--hide--


YOU were the one that said you weren't willing to give up going to bars for a woman..

06/19/2012 new

(Quote) Richard-831657 said: One possibility is that women are not saying that they don't like men who hunt, or...
(Quote) Richard-831657 said:

One possibility is that women are not saying that they don't like men who hunt, or drink, but they may be looking at the big picture, and see you as a wild young man, or a party animal, a redneck with their gun rack in their pickup truck, or whatever, and just don't think that kind of man is marriage material. A young man in my family was smart, but a bit wild, and hung out with a wild crowd. He and his friends did something they should not have, and ended up charged with a felony, which he pleaded down to a misdemeanor. This will probably haunt him for his entire life, especially in terms of jobs.

Reading your note carefully, you say "I don't get beligerantly drunk", but that suggests that you might in fact drink enough to be legally drunk, in terms of DWIs. Have you ever had a DWI or DWAI? And of course drinkers always minimize their drinking, deny that they have a problem, etc. You can swear on a mile of bibles that you don't have a drinking problem, but those kind of words mean nothing, or less than nothing. If anybody , and I mean anybody, thinks that you have a drinking problem, you probably do. And as Donna suggests, many people have had bad experience with alcoholics in their family. So if you look like you might be an alcoholic, then women might stay clear, even if in fact you do not fit the official definition of an alcoholic, at least not at this point in time.

If this is a pretty consistent issue, then you might have to rethink how you are living.

Richard

--hide--


Thank you Richard..

06/19/2012 new

(Quote) Nicholas-863393 said: Why is it that people seem to expect people to change if they are going to get into a relation...
(Quote) Nicholas-863393 said:

Why is it that people seem to expect people to change if they are going to get into a relationship or get married? I like to go out to the bars, and indeed alot of times its with coworkers on work functions. While I get that I shouldn't expect to be able to do thatr everyweekend, why should I have to give up any part of who I am? I love to hunt, fish camp, hit the bars (though I don't get beligerently drunk), and I like to work. I understand that I will have to do LESS of them to make lots of room for her, that I'm willing to do. Why is it then, that so many women in my area seem to think I should change my personality so much?

--hide--


What I am going to share is what happened to me. I am not saying every man is like this.

I was very foolish when I got married. I thought once we were married he would change and become the person that I wanted and needed. That did not happen. The drinking got worse. His work ethic got to the point where he could not keep a job. If we didn't do what he wanted he was miserable and made me miserable. The world had to revolve around him. He wasn't that bad before marriage, the things that I thought would change just got worse.

I agree that you should not expect a person to change. If you see things in someone that you are dating that you don't like then you need to say next. If a person is asking you to change you need to say next.

06/19/2012 new
(Quote) Barbara-605462 said: What I am going to share is what happened to me. I am not saying every man is like this. I ...
(Quote) Barbara-605462 said:



What I am going to share is what happened to me. I am not saying every man is like this.

I was very foolish when I got married. I thought once we were married he would change and become the person that I wanted and needed. That did not happen. The drinking got worse. His work ethic got to the point where he could not keep a job. If we didn't do what he wanted he was miserable and made me miserable. The world had to revolve around him. He wasn't that bad before marriage, the things that I thought would change just got worse.

I agree that you should not expect a person to change. If you see things in someone that you are dating that you don't like then you need to say next. If a person is asking you to change you need to say next.

--hide--


Barbara, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were my ex's secret "second wife" (that's an all-too common occurrence in his family, but no, he didn't have a second family--and no, they aren't Mormons; they're Catholics). Your ex sounds exactly like mine, and I made exactly the same mistake you did.

No one--man or woman--should ever enter a relationship with the goal to change anyone. It's only setting oneself up for misery, compounded daily. I thank God for every day I am free from that hell on earth.
06/19/2012 new

Hey Nicholas! Welcome to CM!

Some people expect it because marriage is supposed to change you. Heck, any relationship that's good should change you. The surest sign of love is sacrifice. If you're not willing to change I'd definitinitely avoid any relationships eyebrow laughing Of course, some people just expect too much. rolling eyes

I don't know you or the ladies who have a problem with you , but I think you at least have a good handle because you are willing to cut back on your activities for her. Even your worst looking activity, hitting the bar, can be a source of healthy interaction.

I will say this: if you are find someone for whom you're willing to give all those things you like just for her sake, then you're the right guy for her. And if she'd let you keep them just for your sake she's the right girl for you... scratchchin

06/20/2012 new

I was married to a man in Montana who liked to hunt and fish with his buddies. I didn't care.....it was nice to have him outta my hair for a couple of days to be honest. As you know hunting season lasts awhile and the thing we wives would laugh about is that they never bagged a deer or an elk or whatever the first few weekend cuz then they were done for the season. It was usually the last few weekends of hunting season that there was any success.

.

Two people, before marriage, are involved in their own interests and hobbies. Why should that have to change entirely after marriage? Why if the husband wants to go do his thing sometimes, can't the wife be self sufficient enough to entertain herself as well, or vice versa. I don't want to be joined at the hip with someone 24/7. This is not to say that a husband or a wife should persue their own interests to the detriment of the marriage, but there is nothing wrong with a little elbow room as long everything is on the up and up.

.

As far as going to the bars with your buddies after marriage..........that is something that you might want to get out of your system before you tie the knot because it could cause some problems. When you meet the right girl, when you fall in love with her and want a future with her....your priorities are going to change. It might surprise you that you no longer want to do the bar thing so much anymore anyway.

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