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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

Is it love or loved?

06/20/2012 new

For those of us who have lost our spouses--do we still love them or is it now we loved them? They're gone--is it possible or even healthy to continue to "love them" or is it really that we now "loved them"? Is it possible to love one that's deceased? Is it emotionally healthy? Do we still love our mates now gone? It all sounds so redundant. Do you know what I'm saying/trying to express? If we "loved" them, is their guilt for using the past tense regarding out feelings?

06/20/2012 new

(Quote) Chris-589554 said: For those of us who have lost our spouses--do we still love them or is it now we loved them? They...
(Quote) Chris-589554 said:

For those of us who have lost our spouses--do we still love them or is it now we loved them? They're gone--is it possible or even healthy to continue to "love them" or is it really that we now "loved them"? Is it possible to love one that's deceased? Is it emotionally healthy? Do we still love our mates now gone? It all sounds so redundant. Do you know what I'm saying/trying to express? If we "loved" them, is their guilt for using the past tense regarding out feelings?

--hide--
In cases of true love, that love doesn't end with the physical departure of one's spouse. It endures, and can actually be intensified. Overall, this is not emotionally unhealthy. The love of which you speak does not become a past tense feeling. Again -- it endures.

What seems to place one in a conundrum is that fact that one can love 2 people at the same time. In the case of a widowed person, it's a matter of still loving the departed spouse, and in time, loving another person who is still physically present. If love would end after losing a spouse, that love was probably superficial, not profound, as marital love should be. The fact is many widowed people meet and marry a different person and are fully capable of involving themselves in a true love relationship. While a widowed person does not dwell excessively on his/her departed spouse, certainly that person is still part of their lives, though not physically present.

Helpful????

06/20/2012 new

Chris,

I totally agree with Ray. True love never ends, evenif the loved one dies, because I believe that our loved ones are with us spiritually. The Catholic church teaches about the communion of saints. We all are part of that sainthood, and are called to be holy, and only through love we will full fill the comandment of Jesus to love one another. When we visit our dear one's tomb, pray for them, offer Mass for them and remember them, it is out of our love. There is nothing wrong with that. I would prefer to get marry with someone who went through the same experience, and I do not mind sharing certain thoughts from our last marriage as long as it is constructive and not destructive to our new relationship.

06/20/2012 new

Thank you Ray for the insight.

06/21/2012 new

For me I'm sure it is still love. My late wife is in heaven and I'm still here on Earth - so I like to think of it as the ultimate long distance romance. The separation has changed our physical relationship, but it has not altered the spiritual relationship.

06/29/2012 new

(Quote) Chris-589554 said: For those of us who have lost our spouses--do we still love them or is it now we loved them? They...
(Quote) Chris-589554 said:

For those of us who have lost our spouses--do we still love them or is it now we loved them? They're gone--is it possible or even healthy to continue to "love them" or is it really that we now "loved them"? Is it possible to love one that's deceased? Is it emotionally healthy? Do we still love our mates now gone? It all sounds so redundant. Do you know what I'm saying/trying to express? If we "loved" them, is their guilt for using the past tense regarding out feelings?

--hide--


I hope I'm not intruding when I'm not a widow. My apologies if I am. Whether it is divorce or death, the spouse is physically not present. I fell in love with my exhusband when I was 17 years old, he has physically been out of my life for three and a half years. We have been divorced for three months. If anyone can tell me how to stop loving someone after 27 years, I will sit down and listen any time. I do not believe it is possible. I also do not apologize for it. None of us can share our daily lives with our spouses anymore. It doesn't change the love, good memories and history that we've shared with them. I will always love him. God tells us to love, not to stop loving.

I have learned to live without him in my daily life. I have learned to be happy again without him. I needed to do those things for my mental and emotional health. I needed to do those things for the sake of my family and friends who worried so much during the worst of my grief. I needed to do that as God expects me to go on. As long as I am alive, I will serve Him. Part of serving God is loving others as He loves us, as Christ taught us to love by example. Failing to do that, failing to open myself fully for His will in my life, is going againt His law. So I do love others, I am open to what ever and who ever God chooses to be a part of my life. There is no guilt involved in doing God's will.

God bless you. hug



06/29/2012 new

I agree with what Ray has said. As a widow, I went through grieving the physical loss of my beloved, but I still have been forever altered by that relationship, and carry that forward in my current life without him. The person I am now was temperend and shaped by the love and experiences we shared. At times I still feel very spiritually connected to him--yes, the ultimate long distance relationship!!I've never stopped being in love with him...

While I miss my late husband, I think I'll always love him and sometimes feel that incredible connection of "being in love". I think I am a normal, healthy person, and that those feelings will never dwindle--to my betterment and the betterment of any future love!

However, I also know that I certainly have (and want!) the capacity to love another again in that kind of devoted relationship. I have seen others have more than one "true love", and not carry any guilt over carrying the last love's connections at the same time. As someone once said about having more than one child--the human heart GROWS LARGER to accept the love of each successive child, based on the positive bonds formed in the first one!

My only quandry---what happens if/when I do remarry, and then have to decide which spouse to be buried next to??? scratchchin

06/29/2012 new
(Quote) Beverly-649723 said: I agree with what Ray has said. As a widow, I went through grieving the physical loss of my beloved, but I st...
(Quote) Beverly-649723 said:

I agree with what Ray has said. As a widow, I went through grieving the physical loss of my beloved, but I still have been forever altered by that relationship, and carry that forward in my current life without him. The person I am now was temperend and shaped by the love and experiences we shared. At times I still feel very spiritually connected to him--yes, the ultimate long distance relationship!!I've never stopped being in love with him...

While I miss my late husband, I think I'll always love him and sometimes feel that incredible connection of "being in love". I think I am a normal, healthy person, and that those feelings will never dwindle--to my betterment and the betterment of any future love!

However, I also know that I certainly have (and want!) the capacity to love another again in that kind of devoted relationship. I have seen others have more than one "true love", and not carry any guilt over carrying the last love's connections at the same time. As someone once said about having more than one child--the human heart GROWS LARGER to accept the love of each successive child, based on the positive bonds formed in the first one!

My only quandry---what happens if/when I do remarry, and then have to decide which spouse to be buried next to???

--hide--
You said everything that I believe. I am not the same girl I was for 23 years when I was married to Phil. I am stronger and more resilient than I ever thought possible. Who wanted to find out. I have come to realize that I do have the capacity to love Nother in a different way than I loved Phil. While I am not dating, I know that my heart is capable. I do not want another Phil. My quandary? You will all laugh. I can be buried on top of Phil at USAFA--gotta love it, he would have. if I married again, then he could be buried with the two of us. Eye roll. Who wants the sandwich? Laugh.
06/29/2012 new

Well, I posed this interesting question because, well, I did!! For me, I think that it's "loved". It's not in the present "love". I can't still love Tom in the present. For 30+ years, I could say, "I love you. I love Tom. I love my husband". But now, for me, it's "I loved Tom. I loved my husband. I loved you". I don't think that I can move forward if I live in the past. My marriage is no longer. I am experiencing a new life without Tom. Do I love my new life? That's too strong an emotion. I've accepted it. I like some aspects of it; some I definitely don't like.

Does having loved Tom diminish what love we had? or the life we had? or send a message to my children that their Dad didn't really matter all that much to me? I don't think so. I want to stress, that for me, it's a move in the right direction; moving forward. It's that 5th stage of death and dying--acceptance. It took 3 long, hard, tough, gut-wrenching, painful, fighting, years to arrive here. And I thank God so very much that He brought me through to the other side. God carried me through; I never want to go back or re-live that hellish pain.

I didn't have a perfect marriage; we weren't a perfect couple; nor perfect parents. But, I think we were darn good; we tried our best --most--well, maybe many, many times!!!! There was the good, the bad, and the ugly!! I miss him and we had plans unfulfilled. that's life isn't it?

I loved him very much.

07/09/2012 new

Linda you are a treat. That was good for a chuckle here late at night. laughing

For me by the way --- It is love. Little has changed over the last two+ years except maybe I forgot some of the tough times. There will always be a place in my heart for her whether I remarry again or not.

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