Probably many people have not read my profile. In it, I include that I have an illness. For awhile I have considered myself as barely suffering from this. Now I am not so sure. In fact, I have begun to doubt if, for me, marriage is even an option. I like to think it is an option. Frankly, I'm petrified of the opposite being true, but I'm going to ask the question anyway.
My illness is schizoaffective disorder. Which has symptoms of schizophrenia and depression(so yes, if you think you have trouble attracting the opposite sex, just wait until you say THAT on a date ) However, it has been a very long time, over a year and a half since I have had schizophrenia symptoms). I thought I could tell what was a symptom and what was "me". but now I'm not so sure what I'm fighting....sometimes I'm not even sure how to fight things. Last night....I couldn't sleep. I was exhausted but didn't sleep. My medication is soooo strong that usually it knocks me out an hour after I take it....so clearly this is not something that happens. But for me to stay on top of my disorder, I have to ask the question..."Is this me simply not able to go to sleep?" "Am I starting to exhibit symptoms of something else?" "Am I experiencing anxiety?". If I eat and I feel sick, the answer isn't always either you "Ate to much" or "you have food poisoning".....it could be...."Are my levels of potassium to low? Did I accidently overdose?" I keep potassium and magnesium EVERYWHERE. I can't be in the sun for a long time. My life is sooo tightly regulated. If it gets over 90 and I'm outside I'm prone to fainting(being a farm person and a horse person you can imagine how careful I am). Of course, I'm really pretty good at regulating it, but really, all it takes is for me to mess up once, and I can end up in the hospital. I keep improving, but I keep thinking....will I really ever improve enough to be able to have a family depend on me?
I experienced a very difficult week. I struggle through it. But I finally have to ask....can your life be this regulated when you have a family? Will my problems be to much for a spouse to handle? I don't want my children to be those kids who were really the parent....of course, that's pretty extreme....I'm a mature person....but sometimes....I feel soooooo weak. I know that for ME to be married would be healthy. I improved so much in my parents house, and frankly, they almost never know when I am struggling. But children require extra time, extra attention. I do believe in families where one spouse stays home with the children. If it's a full time job, then one parent should try to be home at least PART time. And it's economically easier if that person is talented at domestics and cutting the budget. But I don't want to turn into a second child that my spouse has to take care of. I am very good at taking some criticism as long as it is on my ideas and not my person. And please remember that for me, this is a very difficult issue because I'm already confused as to where my illness ends and I begin. Even if you don't know the answer....I would appreciate some advice on how perhaps you have come through difficult periods. It seems all the things I learned growing up....such as who I am and understanding myself and how to regulate my own life have been drastically altered. Things which used to be "old hat"....such as finding a job.....now require me to do deep self-analysis and prepare as though I was a teen going in for their first job interview.
My doctors do not understand me....they say, "Well, marriage is fine, and if you are scared to have kids, then use contraception"....something I don't believe in.....I have actually been advised to live with a guy to "test it out".....so clearly, I cannot go to them for advice. I'm sorry if I sound a little depressive, but I've always wanted at some point to get married and so trying to work these things out is difficult for me.
Any information on what it "requires" to be married would be of help also....frankly anything would be of help since I'm pretty confused.
We all have fears..my fear is trying to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope!!!