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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

I was walking into Mass this morning and one of the young and pretty "in group" women called my name. I turned and she was smiling and handed me a flyer and wanted to know if I wanted to be a part of a summer all-women's book study (6 weeks) on sexuality. She had a box of flyers and I saw a list with the title "Coming to Book Study" on it and a quick scan showed they were all the younger married crowd. She was very sweet including me because most of these young moms are homeschooling their youngsters and are all into "toys, parks, homeschooling, and play dates". I wondered why she would be inviting me, an old divorced woman, to a group discussing sexuality eyebrow . They are using the book, "Men and Women Are From Eden" and it looks interesting and I ordered it today to see if I wanted to go to this study. I guess you have to also bring a Catechism and Bible. It's sounding intense and that's a red flag because this gal argues about everything. I always said I was like Jacob, I wrestle for the blessing in everything mischievous .

This is the hardest aspect of being divorced for me, lack of intimacy. I'm not just talking about sex here, I'm talking about all the ways we express sexuality and sensuality in our lives; hugs, kisses, holding hands, back/neck rubs, arms around each other, and, of course, sexual intimacy. I continue to grieve that loss. What I've noticed is that I can go for a week without having any physical contact with another human being. I joke about feeling like "a ghost". I see church members/priests hugging people but those of us who are the "divorced" women are kept at arm's length. What does someone think I'm going to do if they hug me? Drop a key to a local hotel room in their suit coat? I want hugs too but I wonder if I'm considered "dangerous territory" to men/priests. wide eyed

I don't see any other "divorced" women so it increases my sense of "standing out". Why Marcy would invite me is not certain but it may be she wants a differing opinion over the "happy housewife" and that I will bring a radically different experience to these discussions (nothing wrong with being a happy housewife, I'd love to be one myself).

How can I say how much I miss waking up with someone's arms around me, or just saying, "Hey let's just spend the morning in bed and forget about everything else" or the times I wake up hugging a pillow and realize it's just a pillow, feel empty, and cry? Do I talk about my struggles with chastity, which I admit has never been a strong suit of mine--probably because I have been married since the age of 18 with only a 1 year period where I didn't have an intimate partner. I have noticed more aches and pains, I'm aging and the idea of having no one to be with is frightening, and sad. I am still grieving the loss of affection/intimacy/ and yes, sex.

All of that whizzed through my head and the fact that I am under specific direction with a confessor regarding chastity, communion, and confession. I have some issues and how do I stay true to myself without making these delightful moms feel embarassed? I really want to live according to the teachings of the Church but it always seems like I'm kicking and fighting...I learn by debating and I can't see that working out very well in a class setting eyepopping. I will leave like a volcano someone stuck a cork in if I hold it all in hyper . The course uses Theology of the Body as it's base and I wonder if there is any way that I can learn something that will give me courage, hope, and determination to live a holier life. Sadly I want to live a holier life and at the exact same time, I don't want to--I just want company--I sold out for that before and here I am. Is this their way of reaching out--they know of the divorce.

Maybe, but today the Deacon gave me my papers for my lack of form declaration of nullity and he grabbed me and hugged me. He's a really heavyset 70-something guy with a big gray beard. His hug was like a big bear hug and I felt tears....but I blinked them back. He was happy for me, happy I can go forward. I know HOW I choose to live in my divorced status is every bit as important as the decision to end a horrible relationship, but I'm just not sure who I am any more and how I go about redefining myself into someone new when I was always an "anything goes" gal when it came to intimacy. "Do what you want but keep it quiet" shhh . That doesn't work for me anymore. I want more than that. I want to be honest, I want to be real, and I want live my life God's way.

To go or not to go... scratchchin but the fact she invited me...it was like she gave me a great big hug of sorts...well that just felt good.

Hugs to you hug ,

Lorrie

07/09/2012 new
(Quote) Lorrie-735074 said: I was walking into Mass this morning and one of the young and pretty "in group" women called my name...
(Quote) Lorrie-735074 said:

I was walking into Mass this morning and one of the young and pretty "in group" women called my name. I turned and she was smiling and handed me a flyer and wanted to know if I wanted to be a part of a summer all-women's book study (6 weeks) on sexuality. She had a box of flyers and I saw a list with the title "Coming to Book Study" on it and a quick scan showed they were all the younger married crowd. She was very sweet including me because most of these young moms are homeschooling their youngsters and are all into "toys, parks, homeschooling, and play dates". I wondered why she would be inviting me, an old divorced woman, to a group discussing sexuality . They are using the book, "Men and Women Are From Eden" and it looks interesting and I ordered it today to see if I wanted to go to this study. I guess you have to also bring a Catechism and Bible. It's sounding intense and that's a red flag because this gal argues about everything. I always said I was like Jacob, I wrestle for the blessing in everything .



This is the hardest aspect of being divorced for me, lack of intimacy. I'm not just talking about sex here, I'm talking about all the ways we express sexuality and sensuality in our lives; hugs, kisses, holding hands, back/neck rubs, arms around each other, and, of course, sexual intimacy. I continue to grieve that loss. What I've noticed is that I can go for a week without having any physical contact with another human being. I joke about feeling like "a ghost". I see church members/priests hugging people but those of us who are the "divorced" women are kept at arm's length. What does someone think I'm going to do if they hug me? Drop a key to a local hotel room in their suit coat? I want hugs too but I wonder if I'm considered "dangerous territory" to men/priests.



I don't see any other "divorced" women so it increases my sense of "standing out". Why Marcy would invite me is not certain but it may be she wants a differing opinion over the "happy housewife" and that I will bring a radically different experience to these discussions (nothing wrong with being a happy housewife, I'd love to be one myself).



How can I say how much I miss waking up with someone's arms around me, or just saying, "Hey let's just spend the morning in bed and forget about everything else" or the times I wake up hugging a pillow and realize it's just a pillow, feel empty, and cry? Do I talk about my struggles with chastity, which I admit has never been a strong suit of mine--probably because I have been married since the age of 18 with only a 1 year period where I didn't have an intimate partner. I have noticed more aches and pains, I'm aging and the idea of having no one to be with is frightening, and sad. I am still grieving the loss of affection/intimacy/ and yes, sex.



All of that whizzed through my head and the fact that I am under specific direction with a confessor regarding chastity, communion, and confession. I have some issues and how do I stay true to myself without making these delightful moms feel embarassed? I really want to live according to the teachings of the Church but it always seems like I'm kicking and fighting...I learn by debating and I can't see that working out very well in a class setting . I will leave like a volcano someone stuck a cork in if I hold it all in . The course uses Theology of the Body as it's base and I wonder if there is any way that I can learn something that will give me courage, hope, and determination to live a holier life. Sadly I want to live a holier life and at the exact same time, I don't want to--I just want company--I sold out for that before and here I am. Is this their way of reaching out--they know of the divorce.



Maybe, but today the Deacon gave me my papers for my lack of form declaration of nullity and he grabbed me and hugged me. He's a really heavyset 70-something guy with a big gray beard. His hug was like a big bear hug and I felt tears....but I blinked them back. He was happy for me, happy I can go forward. I know HOW I choose to live in my divorced status is every bit as important as the decision to end a horrible relationship, but I'm just not sure who I am any more and how I go about redefining myself into someone new when I was always an "anything goes" gal when it came to intimacy. "Do what you want but keep it quiet" . That doesn't work for me anymore. I want more than that. I want to be honest, I want to be real, and I want live my life God's way.



To go or not to go... but the fact she invited me...it was like she gave me a great big hug of sorts...well that just felt good.



Hugs to you ,



Lorrie



--hide--


This is very well written Lorrie. Please do go! There is much to learn and share with this group because you have been where they have not - so give them some insight on how not to "go there." And they can help you keep on track. Share your life experience; ask questions and learn. No one needs to debate with the only divorced Eskimo. hug So go and then write back and tell us the story of what happened next....
07/09/2012 new

(Quote) Lorrie-735074 said: I was walking into Mass this morning and one of the young and pretty "in group" women ...
(Quote) Lorrie-735074 said:

I was walking into Mass this morning and one of the young and pretty "in group" women called my name. I turned and she was smiling and handed me a flyer and wanted to know if I wanted to be a part of a summer all-women's book study (6 weeks) on sexuality. She had a box of flyers and I saw a list with the title "Coming to Book Study" on it and a quick scan showed they were all the younger married crowd. She was very sweet including me because most of these young moms are homeschooling their youngsters and are all into "toys, parks, homeschooling, and play dates". I wondered why she would be inviting me, an old divorced woman, to a group discussing sexuality . They are using the book, "Men and Women Are From Eden" and it looks interesting and I ordered it today to see if I wanted to go to this study. I guess you have to also bring a Catechism and Bible. It's sounding intense and that's a red flag because this gal argues about everything. I always said I was like Jacob, I wrestle for the blessing in everything .

This is the hardest aspect of being divorced for me, lack of intimacy. I'm not just talking about sex here, I'm talking about all the ways we express sexuality and sensuality in our lives; hugs, kisses, holding hands, back/neck rubs, arms around each other, and, of course, sexual intimacy. I continue to grieve that loss. What I've noticed is that I can go for a week without having any physical contact with another human being. I joke about feeling like "a ghost". I see church members/priests hugging people but those of us who are the "divorced" women are kept at arm's length. What does someone think I'm going to do if they hug me? Drop a key to a local hotel room in their suit coat? I want hugs too but I wonder if I'm considered "dangerous territory" to men/priests.

I don't see any other "divorced" women so it increases my sense of "standing out". Why Marcy would invite me is not certain but it may be she wants a differing opinion over the "happy housewife" and that I will bring a radically different experience to these discussions (nothing wrong with being a happy housewife, I'd love to be one myself).

How can I say how much I miss waking up with someone's arms around me, or just saying, "Hey let's just spend the morning in bed and forget about everything else" or the times I wake up hugging a pillow and realize it's just a pillow, feel empty, and cry? Do I talk about my struggles with chastity, which I admit has never been a strong suit of mine--probably because I have been married since the age of 18 with only a 1 year period where I didn't have an intimate partner. I have noticed more aches and pains, I'm aging and the idea of having no one to be with is frightening, and sad. I am still grieving the loss of affection/intimacy/ and yes, sex.

All of that whizzed through my head and the fact that I am under specific direction with a confessor regarding chastity, communion, and confession. I have some issues and how do I stay true to myself without making these delightful moms feel embarassed? I really want to live according to the teachings of the Church but it always seems like I'm kicking and fighting...I learn by debating and I can't see that working out very well in a class setting . I will leave like a volcano someone stuck a cork in if I hold it all in . The course uses Theology of the Body as it's base and I wonder if there is any way that I can learn something that will give me courage, hope, and determination to live a holier life. Sadly I want to live a holier life and at the exact same time, I don't want to--I just want company--I sold out for that before and here I am. Is this their way of reaching out--they know of the divorce.

Maybe, but today the Deacon gave me my papers for my lack of form declaration of nullity and he grabbed me and hugged me. He's a really heavyset 70-something guy with a big gray beard. His hug was like a big bear hug and I felt tears....but I blinked them back. He was happy for me, happy I can go forward. I know HOW I choose to live in my divorced status is every bit as important as the decision to end a horrible relationship, but I'm just not sure who I am any more and how I go about redefining myself into someone new when I was always an "anything goes" gal when it came to intimacy. "Do what you want but keep it quiet" . That doesn't work for me anymore. I want more than that. I want to be honest, I want to be real, and I want live my life God's way.

To go or not to go... but the fact she invited me...it was like she gave me a great big hug of sorts...well that just felt good.

Hugs to you ,

Lorrie

--hide--


Wow, Lorrie, you packed a lot into your post! But you are not afraid to be real with people and that is a big plus in the healing process. hug

Go to the Bible Study, let these ladies get to know you and get to know them. It may open up a whole new world for you (AND for them!) Don't worry too much about the one who likes to "debate" she's probably a choleric like me and means no harm, but we do tend to be a little narrow minded. So have pity and be gentle when you present other views wink

As for your other subject. It is difficult, but we are made in the image and likeness of God. We are sexual beings and our feminity is what shapes how we respond and interact with people. If you've never read any of JP2's Theology of the Body, I highly suggest Christopher West's Intro. It is a beginning to learn how to reshape our lives in the way we were created by God and to learn new ways to express our feminity.

As for the hugs hug hug hug hug , I send many your way!

Let us know how it goes!

Joanna

07/09/2012 new
I think it would be wonderful for some other women hear fom a divorced single woman who IS willing to be honest! I wouldn't doubt if some married women feel a loss of true intimacy, so it might be hard on them also. I haven't read the book. Sound like a great book for all.
07/10/2012 new

Dear Lorrie,

First of all, hugs! hug I can't tell you how much I identify with what you said about the physical touch of someone else. That is one of the hardest things to endure after a divorce. I can honestly say, sometimes it was weeks on end for me without even so much as a handshake and it just seems to make the loneliness that much harder. A friend of mine said he loved going to Sunday mass after his divorce because during the Our Father, everyone held hands and that would be his only physical touch from another human being for the week.

I think your friend was likely inviting you to the group because she wants you to feel a part of something. I understand your reservations about going, but I agree with the others who have commented. It would be a good thing for you, as well as for them. Different perspectives in a group discussion setting is always a good thing. I will pray for you, them, and for many fruitful conversations biggrin

Sincerely,

Lisa Duffy

07/10/2012 new

(Quote) Lorrie-735074 said: To go or not to go... but the fact she invited me...it was like she gave me a great big hug of s...
(Quote) Lorrie-735074 said:

To go or not to go... but the fact she invited me...it was like she gave me a great big hug of sorts...well that just felt good.

--hide--


GO. Check it out. They can learn from you and you from them. God may want you to hear something there which prepares you for the next cchapter in your life. Or maybe you will say something that may save another attendee's marriage.


rose

07/10/2012 new

Thanks everyone so much! Such warm fuzzies today :)

Or maybe you will say something that may save another attendee's marriage.


Thanks David, I never thought of having something to contribute but we sure know what doesn't work.


Blessings and many thanks to all,

Lorrie

07/10/2012 new

Consider it a God breeze.
My CRHIp group was an amazing mix of women, married, single, widowed, divorced. It was rich in spirit when everyone contributed to discussions, because it added perspective. I am sure you would add much to your group, should you decide to attend. You might want to gauge the confidentiality of the group, though, before saying too much. Or better yet, write something up about confidences within the group. No one else may have thought of it.
(warning; take the Puffs!)

07/19/2012 new

I'll chime in here also. I was a 'late adoptor' of the dating phenomenon. Even though I remained virginal until my early 30s, I was hardly chaste. Sadly, it took a brief marriage, divorce, and subsequent freakout to put me on the path to healthy Christian sexuality. Which is great, but my ex-wife is out of state and wants nothing to do with me. I'm burning with enthusiam to live the sacrament of matrimony. And I'm also burning with desires that tempt the mind and body to sin. This is my cross to bear.

You most definitely have something to contribute to that community. Not only could you help save a marriage, but you might also learn that their lives aren't all they're cracked up to be either. We are all sinners, and the Body of Christ is our support group. G.K. Chesterton would say we're all in the same boat, and we're all seasick.

07/20/2012 new

Thanks everyone,

I did go the first night. I wasn't sure I was going to because I was already arguing with some of the book. After 3 1/2 hours of study and reading the recommended parts of the Theology of the Body I attended the first class. I got to share some of it and the education director was saying "that's not in the teaching, I don't think that's Catholic." and I opened my notebook (I printed the first years worth) and read it to him. He abruptly left, which was fine as this is a women's discussion and I think he was making a few uncomfortable. I have serious problems with this church because I got into a huge falling out with the previous priest. He also had told the leadership I wasn't allowed to do anything. So even if I just "make a comment" I get jumped on sometimes. The parishioners are loving and warm but I can't take the attacks so I attend church elsewhere and still do linens at my former parish because they are short-handed. I reviewed this whole thing with my current priest (who has 36 years experience) and he really did NOT agree with how I was treated. In fact, I was asked to bring up the hosts during the presentation of the gifts last week at the new parish and that was really nice. I appreciate the way people are including me. I got invited to this study when I was bringing in the linens I washed/ironed.

I was leery about sharing at all (or even going) do to the bad blood. Anyway, I had made a handout of something I found and everyone was really excited. I didn't take much time, didn't want to hog anything, just 3 or 4 minutes but I felt I made a fair contribution and many others did as well. I enjoyed the class but it really confronts me as I do not agree with all this "stuff". I admit I got a long way to go. I'm reading like crazy to get the reading done for next Monday but thankfully it's only 5 weeks so I will make it just fine.


Hugs to all,

Lorrie hug

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