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Devoted to discussion pertaining to those issues which are specifically relevant to people 45+. Topics must have a specific perspective of people in this age group for it to be on topic.

The story of Abraham and Sarah is told in chapters 11-25 of the book of Genesis.
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a person's past

Jul 24th 2012 new

What if you were interested in someone and found out they were once an alcoholic or drug addict?
Would this make you back off, or would you be accepting and understanding?
When would you prefer to find out about a person's past?
Would you prefer to know right away?
Or would you prefer to know someone for a while first? (in which case, the person would be keeping a big secret from you)
Would you still date this person?

Jul 24th 2012 new

(Quote) Leslie-864031 said: What if you were interested in someone and found out they were once an alcoholic or drug addict?...
(Quote) Leslie-864031 said:

What if you were interested in someone and found out they were once an alcoholic or drug addict?
Would this make you back off, or would you be accepting and understanding?
When would you prefer to find out about a person's past?
Would you prefer to know right away?
Or would you prefer to know someone for a while first? (in which case, the person would be keeping a big secret from you)
Would you still date this person?

--hide--


Wow Leslie, what provacative questions!

First, once an alcoholic/addict, always an alcoholic/addict, but whether they are in recovery is the question that would interest me. I would also want to know how long someone had been in recovery. If they have been sober a short time, then the percentages of relapse are very high in which case I would not want to become closely involved. Also, most recovery programs (AA,NA) do not advocate becoming involved in a relationship until you have sobriety years under your belt. As to "when" I would want to know . . . I would imagine at that point in time that both of us realize that the relationship could move into the serious realm. It would be none of my business if I'm not interested in a relationship outside of platonic. I have friends who are in recovery and it can be stressful to see the effects of the co-dependence in their relationships, but I have also watched great miracles occur. God's grace knows no boundaries!

All the best in your journey.

Jul 24th 2012 new

This is complex, and every person and every situation is different.


For the sake of this discussion this is a potential mate--


How much do you want to know and when do you want to know it??

Jul 24th 2012 new

(Quote) Joanna-615441 said: Wow Leslie, what provacative questions!First, once an alcoholic/addict, always a...
(Quote) Joanna-615441 said:



Wow Leslie, what provacative questions!

First, once an alcoholic/addict, always an alcoholic/addict, but whether they are in recovery is the question that would interest me. I would also want to know how long someone had been in recovery. If they have been sober a short time, then the percentages of relapse are very high in which case I would not want to become closely involved. Also, most recovery programs (AA,NA) do not advocate becoming involved in a relationship until you have sobriety years under your belt. As to "when" I would want to know . . . I would imagine at that point in time that both of us realize that the relationship could move into the serious realm. It would be none of my business if I'm not interested in a relationship outside of platonic. I have friends who are in recovery and it can be stressful to see the effects of the co-dependence in their relationships, but I have also watched great miracles occur. God's grace knows no boundaries!

All the best in your journey.

--hide--


You are absolutely correct Joanna. The minimum suggested is at least one year abstinent. I've been attending Al-Anon meetings since I was a kid. It makes it easier for me. After so many years, we tend to speak the same language. We use our slogans all the time and recognize each other by that. Most folks many years in are no longer carrying the shame 'card' so they'll be upfront early on. I know I've come across several profiles, even here. If you have ever been in any type of recovery meeting, you'll see it. Even if someone doesn't pick up on it, most truly in recovery are pretty up front.

Jul 24th 2012 new

(Quote) Leslie-864031 said: This is complex, and every person and every situation is different.For the sake of t...
(Quote) Leslie-864031 said:

This is complex, and every person and every situation is different.


For the sake of this discussion this is a potential mate--


How much do you want to know and when do you want to know it??

--hide--


I'm probably not a good one to ask. See above. If someone is not 'talking the talk,' it's a little more difficult to discern. I make no bones about my Thursday night meeting and that I'll probably go to it until I die. It has become somewhat of a ministry at this point. Knowing that I'm familiar with addiction personall encourages people to open up.

If someone has long term (5+ years) sobriety/abstinence, I absolutely would not hesitate to date that person. Under five years, I would move extremely slowly. If you want to be more specific and don't want to put it here, feel free to message me. It can be an uncomfortable subject.

Jul 25th 2012 new

(Quote) Leslie-864031 said: What if you were interested in someone and found out they were once an alcoholic or drug addict?...
(Quote) Leslie-864031 said:

What if you were interested in someone and found out they were once an alcoholic or drug addict?
Would this make you back off, or would you be accepting and understanding?
When would you prefer to find out about a person's past?
Would you prefer to know right away?
Or would you prefer to know someone for a while first? (in which case, the person would be keeping a big secret from you)
Would you still date this person?

--hide--


If I know that they are an alcoholic, my thoughts would be for me to stay away. I'm very accepting and understanding of what people do to manage their lives, but I have no need to get involved with someone who cannot or will not control their drinking. Having known several friends and colleagues with an addiction, I have first-hand, personal experience as to how damaging it is, not only to the addicted individual but also to all the people around them. For me, I stay away.

As to when I would want to find out about this -- if he doesn't tell me at the outset, I watch and listen ... well, I watch and listen anyway. If he is an alcoholic and has not mentioned it, his drinking habits become very evident, very soon. I know what to look for.

Now, if he's an admitted alcoholic and has abstained from drinking for a long time, and maybe has even gone through AA, I might consider dating him. Even still, I've encountered great difficulty with a few men, over the years, who were involved with AA, had not had a drop in over 10 or more years, but still had a very over-bearing, almost out-of-control personality .... very pushy .... overly aggressive. Not for me.

Jul 25th 2012 new

(Quote) MaryAlice-97161 said: If I know that they are an alcoholic, my thoughts would be for me to stay away. I'...
(Quote) MaryAlice-97161 said:



If I know that they are an alcoholic, my thoughts would be for me to stay away. I'm very accepting and understanding of what people do to manage their lives, but I have no need to get involved with someone who cannot or will not control their drinking. Having known several friends and colleagues with an addiction, I have first-hand, personal experience as to how damaging it is, not only to the addicted individual but also to all the people around them. For me, I stay away.

As to when I would want to find out about this -- if he doesn't tell me at the outset, I watch and listen ... well, I watch and listen anyway. If he is an alcoholic and has not mentioned it, his drinking habits become very evident, very soon. I know what to look for.

Now, if he's an admitted alcoholic and has abstained from drinking for a long time, and maybe has even gone through AA, I might consider dating him. Even still, I've encountered great difficulty with a few men, over the years, who were involved with AA, had not had a drop in over 10 or more years, but still had a very over-bearing, almost out-of-control personality .... very pushy .... overly aggressive. Not for me.

--hide--


I agree. A person has to really be honestly working the program for changes to happen. They have to walk the walk. There is also another piece, they may have just been nasty people, even sober. My dad was a nut, drunk or sober. He got sober, worked program faithfully, but he was still a nut! heart Still miss him terribly

Jul 25th 2012 new

(Quote) Leslie-864031 said: This is complex, and every person and every situation is different.For the sake of t...
(Quote) Leslie-864031 said:

This is complex, and every person and every situation is different.


For the sake of this discussion this is a potential mate--


How much do you want to know and when do you want to know it??

--hide--




As much as he would feel comfortable sharing as soon as he could share it. Communication is key in any relationship. Your bonding starts and continues through sharing deep issues and connecting on many levels. But I guess you are asking if we (the community) would want to know specific details. I think I would want to know only those things that would directly affect me, outside of that, if it's in his past, and he's actively seeking God's will and seriously working his "program," then I would leave his past right where it is.

But if you are seeing red flags, take that into prayer. God wants both of you in a healthy relationship, whether with eachother or someone else.

Blessings Praying

Jul 26th 2012 new

Addiction is a disease. I do believe it takes a special person to accept another with health issues. Its been my experience that folks who work the program are much healthier than most others and are totally prepared for those who have problems with their addiction.

Jul 26th 2012 new

(Quote) Cindy-57124 said: Addiction is a disease. I do believe it takes a special person to accept another with health issue...
(Quote) Cindy-57124 said:

Addiction is a disease. I do believe it takes a special person to accept another with health issues. Its been my experience that folks who work the program are much healthier than most others and are totally prepared for those who have problems with their addiction.

--hide--


You are a wise and kind woman!!

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