In my blog I talked about this and wanted your feedback. I have such a loving spiritual family here I wanted to know suggestions on doing something that is very difficult.
As a divorced person I think my moral life and views on sexuality are what has changed the most since returning to the Church a year ago after a 9 year "Do-it-yourself Catholic Lite" experience that didn't work out so well.
When I came back to the Church I had been seeing a man every other Mondayas a casual sort of thing. I had asked him if we could put that on hold as I needed to search out my heart and see where I was going with my faith and morals and all that I believed in. I was in the divorce transition and much was changing. So I put him on th back burner in my life and we chat at lunch everyday on the computer. We haven't met and I talked constantly about the Church, my faith, morals, how life was going, the divorce, etc. He started going to his church (Prebyterian) after many years of absence and seemed to be changing too. I was thrilled for him. He had issues re: sex addition, lack of commitment, cheating on significant others, sex outside of marriage, the whole ball of wax. I was certainly no lily white woman in this area myself.
He had always said, "I will never love you, never commit to you, and if you push me to commit I'm gone." Enough said about that. Just giving you the groundwork.
This past week he has been sort of using some "sexy" humor and I'm seeing a restlessness in him. He then informed me Thurs that he wants to come up in mid-Aug for a "visit". I asked him what he meant by a visit. He said, "Well we can dinner, drinks, play trivia, and then "see what happens." Ok I'm 50, and I don't need it spelled out any clearer. I sort of waffled and didn't say one way or the other, partly because I was stunned. I always kept him on the back burner. He was my "security blanket" all this time "just in case". I realized I have always done this so I am no better than he is, believe me. I am positive God wants that "gone" so now I have to look at what's been simmering for over a year and deal with it. Friday he said, "So it's OK if I spend the night at your place?" I sort of stumbled around.
I am horribly lonely and I do get fearful. I even hear Satan with his "Oh you should go for it, you never know you might not get another chance....EVER." I laugh but that "time clock running out" thing is big with me. We are friends but given the comments, and the fact he has a significant other of 25 years that he has no intention of ending, says it all. I deserve more. He does too. I want to give out of love and be loved in return. I want to be more than entertainment. I want to do this God's way, not my way.
Have any of you run into this? Have you had someone who wanted to rekindle something and you realized you are just not that person any longer? I will end this within the next week, but I'm gathering my thoughts. I will have to email it as I think that's the best way. I will not meet up with him in person, that's just too dangerous. I have to walk this path now, I cannot deter from it.
Pray for me (and him too)