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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

You would think this should be a good thing right.....better than hating each other, right..so what is the big deal. Well, way back when I was in my twenties I dated someone who said he was "friends" with his ex and I thought it was wonderful for the "sake of the children" only to find out that it was more than that....they did family activities together as if they were still a family though she was married to the guy she cheated with on him supposedly and most likely slept together so he could now cheat on that guy...indeed it seemed when he got closer to someone she came around more often to make sure it didn't work....so now I am always suspicious when I hear it. Plus, I don't understand why they didn't stay together than since they get along so fabulously....


I don't know what do you think? Things like this scare people from dating divorced people.

I think it is because of my experiences that I want to know right away what happened to cause the divorce. I mean I tried and tried and tried before getting my divorce and then annullment....for me the marriage was killing me and would eventually affect my son if I didn't...it was abusive...I had to get out. If someone gets a divorce for a lesser reason....how do I know they have what it takes to stay committed for instance? How do you feel about the other person saying they are "friends" still?

08/20/2012 new

Is there something you read in a divorced person's profile that may scare you off and not give them the chance or do you think you should always give them a chance?

08/21/2012 new

(Quote) Cheryl-409772 said: You would think this should be a good thing right.....better than hating each other, right..so w...
(Quote) Cheryl-409772 said:

You would think this should be a good thing right.....better than hating each other, right..so what is the big deal. Well, way back when I was in my twenties I dated someone who said he was "friends" with his ex and I thought it was wonderful for the "sake of the children" only to find out that it was more than that....they did family activities together as if they were still a family though she was married to the guy she cheated with on him supposedly and most likely slept together so he could now cheat on that guy...indeed it seemed when he got closer to someone she came around more often to make sure it didn't work....so now I am always suspicious when I hear it. Plus, I don't understand why they didn't stay together than since they get along so fabulously....


I don't know what do you think? Things like this scare people from dating divorced people.

I think it is because of my experiences that I want to know right away what happened to cause the divorce. I mean I tried and tried and tried before getting my divorce and then annullment....for me the marriage was killing me and would eventually affect my son if I didn't...it was abusive...I had to get out. If someone gets a divorce for a lesser reason....how do I know they have what it takes to stay committed for instance? How do you feel about the other person saying they are "friends" still?

--hide--


I think everyone should be taken as an individual. There are things that I am not comfortable with; a daily drinker would be one. Otherwise, divorces happen for all sorts of reasons. I know some divorced couples who remain very good friends for the sake of children involved. That isn't going to change. We suck it up, make the best of it and get on with our lives. Just because we love someone does not mean we can live with them or make a life with them work.

I make choices, not to harbor anger or bitterness. Harder yet is not to visit one person's sins on another person. I do not know the details of your divorce, but do you want to be prejudged because you've had one? Should you be lumped with a 'category' and dismissed? I would not like it at all. heart

08/21/2012 new

(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said: I think everyone should be taken as an individual. There are things that I am not com...
(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said:



I think everyone should be taken as an individual. There are things that I am not comfortable with; a daily drinker would be one. Otherwise, divorces happen for all sorts of reasons. I know some divorced couples who remain very good friends for the sake of children involved. That isn't going to change. We suck it up, make the best of it and get on with our lives. Just because we love someone does not mean we can live with them or make a life with them work.

I make choices, not to harbor anger or bitterness. Harder yet is not to visit one person's sins on another person. I do not know the details of your divorce, but do you want to be prejudged because you've had one? Should you be lumped with a 'category' and dismissed? I would not like it at all.

--hide--
My ex was a domestic abuser so I had no choice...I got out for my health and my sons...but you are right I would hate to be judged just on the word "divorced"...though I am now "annulled" and don't consider myself ever married for real and have nothing more to do with my ex than I have to. Still, I worry when I hear that the man did do something to deserve the divorce ....for instance, instead of being there to deal with the problems or divorcing if they couldn't be worked out....he cheated on her....that would worry me because I can't imagine hurting someone like that on purpose and I was always faithful, plus, what would keep him from doing it again if he lacks those morals....really, marriage is about what is best for the other person to attain their salvation and that definitely wouldnt help your partner. You are also right about not "visiting one person's sins on another person" yet when you dated someone who was "just friends with his ex" but end up finding out they are still sleeping together, you wonder when someone else says they are "still friends". It is just SO hard to trust these days....even on here it is hard to find someone decent. I think for me it would depend on the definition of friends which you only find out later when getting to know the person...civil for the sake of the children is important...hanging out together is a definite "no way"...something else is going on. Besides, you want your partner to want to hang out with you not his ex. At my age, I hate losing time too.

08/21/2012 new

(Quote) Cheryl-409772 said: My ex was a domestic abuser so I had no choice...I got out for my health and my sons...but you a...
(Quote) Cheryl-409772 said:

My ex was a domestic abuser so I had no choice...I got out for my health and my sons...but you are right I would hate to be judged just on the word "divorced"...though I am now "annulled" and don't consider myself ever married for real and have nothing more to do with my ex than I have to. Still, I worry when I hear that the man did do something to deserve the divorce ....for instance, instead of being there to deal with the problems or divorcing if they couldn't be worked out....he cheated on her....that would worry me because I can't imagine hurting someone like that on purpose and I was always faithful, plus, what would keep him from doing it again if he lacks those morals....really, marriage is about what is best for the other person to attain their salvation and that definitely wouldnt help your partner. You are also right about not "visiting one person's sins on another person" yet when you dated someone who was "just friends with his ex" but end up finding out they are still sleeping together, you wonder when someone else says they are "still friends". It is just SO hard to trust these days....even on here it is hard to find someone decent. I think for me it would depend on the definition of friends which you only find out later when getting to know the person...civil for the sake of the children is important...hanging out together is a definite "no way"...something else is going on. Besides, you want your partner to want to hang out with you not his ex. At my age, I hate losing time too.

--hide--


Scenario #1 - Men get hurt in divorce, too. I work with a man who has to be one of the nicest on the planet. One of the first things he told me about himself was that his purpose in life was to be the best father and husband that God would allow him to be. Eight months later, he was at an attorney's office because his wife was cheating. Even with the hurt, they are together for a few hours on the holidays for the sake of two beautiful little boys. No hurt he feels trumps what is best for those boys.

Scenario #2 - A couple was married very young, too young. They realized that while they cared for each other, they did not really fit as a married couple. They split when she was pregnant with their second son - her choice. Fast forward four years. He is eloping to remarry without a huge wedding, expenses, etc. His exwife goes with them to celebrate with their children and takes all the pictures of the happy couple. They coparent completely, and they only live a few miles apart so that the boys can go back and forth with ease. It's beyond beautiful.

Scenario #3 - One of my mother's uncles was a dirty dog, and cheated on his wife, mother of his six children. She had the marriage annuled after about 20 years. When she retired, she wanted to go south. She retired to the same town as my uncle and his current wife. She did it so that it would be easier on the children when they came to visit - only to have to go to one town.

All divorces are not created equal. I also survived a nasty divorce to an abusive, alcoholic husband who cheated. I would not choose to ever spend time with him. Our marriage did not include children together, praise God. I will STILL go to his mother's funeral when the time comes. She was one of my mom's best friends all of her life. She has been a part of my life for over 30 years. I love his sister beyong measure. Right is right, and wrong is wrong.

It was mentioned in another post, but anger or resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. All it does is poison our lives. I would speak with my spiritual advisor about how to dump some of the fear and anger. I've been working on the same thing for several years. I would also spend time working on my relationship with God, and continue to pray for discernment to make better choices. And please, feel free to email me. I know how hard it is to fight back from these situations. heart

08/21/2012 new

I guess the point is that as I said you have to have them define what they mean by "friends" for the kids sake. I think going blindly into a relationship with a divorced person is a mistake as I have seen way to many "friends" end up in affairs.

08/22/2012 new

(Quote) Cheryl-409772 said: You would think this should be a good thing right.....better than hating each other, right..so w...
(Quote) Cheryl-409772 said:

You would think this should be a good thing right.....better than hating each other, right..so what is the big deal. Well, way back when I was in my twenties I dated someone who said he was "friends" with his ex and I thought it was wonderful for the "sake of the children" only to find out that it was more than that....they did family activities together as if they were still a family though she was married to the guy she cheated with on him supposedly and most likely slept together so he could now cheat on that guy...indeed it seemed when he got closer to someone she came around more often to make sure it didn't work....so now I am always suspicious when I hear it. Plus, I don't understand why they didn't stay together than since they get along so fabulously....


I don't know what do you think? Things like this scare people from dating divorced people.

I think it is because of my experiences that I want to know right away what happened to cause the divorce. I mean I tried and tried and tried before getting my divorce and then annullment....for me the marriage was killing me and would eventually affect my son if I didn't...it was abusive...I had to get out. If someone gets a divorce for a lesser reason....how do I know they have what it takes to stay committed for instance? How do you feel about the other person saying they are "friends" still?

--hide--
Cheryl first of all I would like to say that you can't paint all divorced people with the same brush just like you can't paint all single never married, annuled and widowed people with the same brush. One bad experience with someone divored does not mean every single divorced person is the same. I know of three men who are divorced. All three are divorced because their wives left them for another woman. All three men were devastated and tried and hoped that they could get back together with their spouses when their wives left them. They all have children. They didn't want their marriages to end. They are good people but their marriages did not work out. They didn't get divorces right away either because they hoped that they could work things out and their wives would come back but they didn't. So eventually they got divorced.

I am also divorced. I am trying to receive an annulment. My marriage did not work out. I don't want to go into the details but sometimes it is for the best and in my case it was. I believe in marriage and when I got married I intended to be married for life but it did not work out that way. My ex husband and I are not friends.

In the case of the three men I know who are divorced two of them got along with their ex wives. They do not want to cause further pain to their children and therefore do not say anything negative about their exs, speak respectfully to them, and try to share the time they spend with their children. They get along quite well considering they are divorced.

I think each divorce is different. I think it is unfair to think of all divorced people are the same. I also think that most people who get married think and believe they will be married for life. Unfortunately it take 2 to say I do and only one to end it. You cannot control anyone but yourself. Also from the 2 divorced men who are friends with their wives I believe as they have told me that they do not want to cause any further pain for their children.

08/22/2012 new

(Quote) Kathy-730470 said: Cheryl first of all I would like to say that you can't paint all divorced people with the sam...
(Quote) Kathy-730470 said:

Cheryl first of all I would like to say that you can't paint all divorced people with the same brush just like you can't paint all single never married, annuled and widowed people with the same brush. One bad experience with someone divored does not mean every single divorced person is the same. I know of three men who are divorced. All three are divorced because their wives left them for another woman. All three men were devastated and tried and hoped that they could get back together with their spouses when their wives left them. They all have children. They didn't want their marriages to end. They are good people but their marriages did not work out. They didn't get divorces right away either because they hoped that they could work things out and their wives would come back but they didn't. So eventually they got divorced.

I am also divorced. I am trying to receive an annulment. My marriage did not work out. I don't want to go into the details but sometimes it is for the best and in my case it was. I believe in marriage and when I got married I intended to be married for life but it did not work out that way. My ex husband and I are not friends.

In the case of the three men I know who are divorced two of them got along with their ex wives. They do not want to cause further pain to their children and therefore do not say anything negative about their exs, speak respectfully to them, and try to share the time they spend with their children. They get along quite well considering they are divorced.

I think each divorce is different. I think it is unfair to think of all divorced people are the same. I also think that most people who get married think and believe they will be married for life. Unfortunately it take 2 to say I do and only one to end it. You cannot control anyone but yourself. Also from the 2 divorced men who are friends with their wives I believe as they have told me that they do not want to cause any further pain for their children.

--hide--
Thank You Kathy for this wonderful post - you are spot on when saying "We should not paint all divorces with the same brush" - it is so true.hug

08/22/2012 new

(Quote) Kathy-730470 said: (Quote) Cheryl-409772 said: You would think this should be a good thing ri...
(Quote) Kathy-730470 said:

Quote:
Cheryl-409772 said:

You would think this should be a good thing right.....better than hating each other, right..so what is the big deal. Well, way back when I was in my twenties I dated someone who said he was "friends" with his ex and I thought it was wonderful for the "sake of the children" only to find out that it was more than that....they did family activities together as if they were still a family though she was married to the guy she cheated with on him supposedly and most likely slept together so he could now cheat on that guy...indeed it seemed when he got closer to someone she came around more often to make sure it didn't work....so now I am always suspicious when I hear it. Plus, I don't understand why they didn't stay together than since they get along so fabulously....


I don't know what do you think? Things like this scare people from dating divorced people.

I think it is because of my experiences that I want to know right away what happened to cause the divorce. I mean I tried and tried and tried before getting my divorce and then annullment....for me the marriage was killing me and would eventually affect my son if I didn't...it was abusive...I had to get out. If someone gets a divorce for a lesser reason....how do I know they have what it takes to stay committed for instance? How do you feel about the other person saying they are "friends" still?


Cheryl first of all I would like to say that you can't paint all divorced people with the same brush just like you can't paint all single never married, annuled and widowed people with the same brush. One bad experience with someone divored does not mean every single divorced person is the same. I know of three men who are divorced. All three are divorced because their wives left them for another woman. All three men were devastated and tried and hoped that they could get back together with their spouses when their wives left them. They all have children. They didn't want their marriages to end. They are good people but their marriages did not work out. They didn't get divorces right away either because they hoped that they could work things out and their wives would come back but they didn't. So eventually they got divorced.

I am also divorced. I am trying to receive an annulment. My marriage did not work out. I don't want to go into the details but sometimes it is for the best and in my case it was. I believe in marriage and when I got married I intended to be married for life but it did not work out that way. My ex husband and I are not friends.

In the case of the three men I know who are divorced two of them got along with their ex wives. They do not want to cause further pain to their children and therefore do not say anything negative about their exs, speak respectfully to them, and try to share the time they spend with their children. They get along quite well considering they are divorced.

I think each divorce is different. I think it is unfair to think of all divorced people are the same. I also think that most people who get married think and believe they will be married for life. Unfortunately it take 2 to say I do and only one to end it. You cannot control anyone but yourself. Also from the 2 divorced men who are friends with their wives I believe as they have told me that they do not want to cause any further pain for their children.

--hide--


Kathy,

You echo my sentiments entirely. After 20 years, I am still not proud to say I was divorced. From reading many accounts in different threads, it is obvious many women suffered and endured many painful moments in their marriage and post marriage. Those moments bring much pain and many times continued anger. I am sorry it happened to them but the fact is it happened. I have no doubt they deserved a better plight.

In my divorce, I was fortunate to not have endured what many of them experienced. I also refrained from doing certain things and remained silent on many issues for the sake of the children. I never allowed her to bait me into getting angry and saying things I would later regret. As time passed, she has become more docile. Neither or us has ever remarried. To this day, we both attend the same events involving our children and grandchildren. As recently as three months ago, she stated if she had considered doing things differently, we probably would still be married. We speak once or twice a month which she initiates but for me it is as a mother to our children and not a close friend. We both had issues on both sides of our family that wrecked havoc in our marriage but I will not go into those details.

I know that some of the younger women with minor children still have to interact with their former spouses due to the child or children. My advise for them is to continue praying that God will guide them through these difficult times. They should surround themselves with positive people that only focus on the good in life.

My children have turned out fine and people say they don't act like they came from divorced parents. For that, I thank God.

Kathy, for Cheryl and others who experienced such devastation in their married life, I hope they read and reread your wonderful post. I pray they can overcome the ill-will and anger about the past. If they don't, they will continue to be mired in the past. For me, I hope people draw conclusions on the here and now. For me, the past is the past. Today is a new beginning. I will always treat each day as such.

As always, just my opinion.

Kathy, great post.


Blessings, Praying hug rose

Leon

08/22/2012 new

(Quote) Nancy-632072 said: (Quote) Kathy-730470 said: Cheryl first of all I would like to say that yo...
(Quote) Nancy-632072 said:

Quote:
Kathy-730470 said:

Cheryl first of all I would like to say that you can't paint all divorced people with the same brush just like you can't paint all single never married, annuled and widowed people with the same brush. One bad experience with someone divored does not mean every single divorced person is the same. I know of three men who are divorced. All three are divorced because their wives left them for another woman. All three men were devastated and tried and hoped that they could get back together with their spouses when their wives left them. They all have children. They didn't want their marriages to end. They are good people but their marriages did not work out. They didn't get divorces right away either because they hoped that they could work things out and their wives would come back but they didn't. So eventually they got divorced.

I am also divorced. I am trying to receive an annulment. My marriage did not work out. I don't want to go into the details but sometimes it is for the best and in my case it was. I believe in marriage and when I got married I intended to be married for life but it did not work out that way. My ex husband and I are not friends.

In the case of the three men I know who are divorced two of them got along with their ex wives. They do not want to cause further pain to their children and therefore do not say anything negative about their exs, speak respectfully to them, and try to share the time they spend with their children. They get along quite well considering they are divorced.

I think each divorce is different. I think it is unfair to think of all divorced people are the same. I also think that most people who get married think and believe they will be married for life. Unfortunately it take 2 to say I do and only one to end it. You cannot control anyone but yourself. Also from the 2 divorced men who are friends with their wives I believe as they have told me that they do not want to cause any further pain for their children.


Thank You Kathy for this wonderful post - you are spot on when saying "We should not paint all divorces with the same brush" - it is so true.

--hide--



Nancy, you beat me to the punch. The only thing I wish to paint is the town. laughing

Blessings, Praying hug rose

Leon

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