(Quote) Linda-756196 said:
I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of...
(Quote) Linda-756196 said:
I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of putting myself out there and trying to date again. I have been on one date since Phil died and it didn't end well. I keep thinking that only a widower would understand. Do you think that is true? It would not bother me if someone shared wonderful memories with another person, mentioned their name, or had pictures if they were gone, yet I find myself thinking that I have to keep my memories and thoughts contained at times. What I mean is that who wants to hear about Parent Weekend at USAFA and the special memory of how he ended there as a beloved professor. Could a divorced person get it? Understand that there may be days when Phil is missed--college graduations, marriages, etc? I know how to be married for a long time and to know the value of faith and prayer in the marital relationship. I know that marriage is not easy, but that commitment and loyalty are a strength of mine.
As I contemplate dating again and whether I could date onlne or not, I pose this question. Is it easier to date a widow/widower than a divorced individual? Why or why not? No judgments. Curious.
It's an easy question for me to answer. The date I would choose is a female. No qualifications regarding previous marital status period. The only group up for disqualification would consist of women who are still married. There's also some caution with divorced people because of possible complications should the relationship become serious enough to contemplate marriage. Outside of that I'm wide open.
I've dated women in both groups. We all have something in common (including many women who were never married). We've all suffered the loss of our spouses. Perhaps the manner of grieving is a little different, but it is there, nevertheless. People in both groups have experienced the ultimate hurt. I haven't noticed any considerable difference in their ability to "get it" either. We accept the fact that people have had others who have been bonded by marriage, and that is part of their history. Plus...being older than you, that history is bound to be longer than what you encounter. I expect to hear about one's previous mate, but not continually or obsessively. If they are truly past their grieving period, they are good to go. Talking about one's former mate is helpful and therapeutic, plus conversations involving them provide great insight.
I don't consider women who are divorced (yes, they are women first) to be inferior, or unusually flawed because of it. Obviously the same applies to a woman who is widowed (unless she murdered her husband). Deep down inside, we share the same wants and needs. We can have a fantastic relationship with someone from any group.
It's interesting to hear about people's experiences -- including their children, grandchildren along with their activities. It's neat to be asked to attend children's events and programs. You mentioned a specific example about Parent Weekend. Does it really make a difference if you talk about this to a widower or a man who is divorced? Each of them is probably a parent and can relate to your topic. As a parent or grandparent, I would certainly expect such things to come up in conversation.
It's part of our lives and who we are. And that's what we want to learn about from each other.