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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

Sep 18th 2012 new

Even though I was not the one who decided to end the marriage I know how bad you are hurting, and I am sorry. I work at a children's hospital here in Austin, and I try to go in at least 15 min early to do the morning prayer of the Liturgy of Hours. I will offer tomorrow's prayer for you Rebecca.

Hugs

Sep 18th 2012 new
I can see in your beautiful, calming, and content eyes that all things will work out well for you - just be a little patient with your life decisions - you also have very beautiful, healthy looking children - they will find happiness in this life based on your loving direction -
Sep 18th 2012 new

I can feel your pain while reading your email and I pray that God will show you the way to start to heal your hurts. It is time to move forward and not always look back on the divorce and wonder if you did the right thing. If you are not seeing a counselor, you may want to try that. It really does help. If you are unsure about it, talk to your pastor and he will most surely have someone to recommend.

When the Mass readings or the homilies start to sting, I say a quick silent prayer and ask God for help in accepting His Word and remind myself not to take everything so personal. Think of the good things that you do for your children and for yourself and be proud of who you are. Place yourself in God's hands and ask for strength to move on in your life, with faith and trust that you are doing the right thing.

theheart

Sep 18th 2012 new

Rebecca, I go through this from time to time. It is particularly difficult when I am alone at church and the ache of separation from my children is augmented by a homily, a hymn, a large family right in front, or a beautiful old couple right beside. My soul is touched deeply by these things. So, on my weekends alone, I decided to place myself in the service of families and the church by singing. (My ex always complained that I sang too loudly at Mass, well now it's a job...) I cannot not tell you how prayerful this act of service has been.

On the alternate weekends, when I have 5 or 6 kidlets huddled in the pew with me, I endure a different kind of loneliness - the kind that you describe - of not feeling whole. All I can do is pray to St. Joseph to take his place at my side, through the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and sustain me through one more Mass. I allow myself, on those Sundays, to let the Church serve me. And it is ok to cry. theheart

Perhaps, in some way, turning our sufferings upsidedown with an act of sacrificial love for others can breathe a new life into one's own soul. Think about what this might look like for you. But also, find those ministries in the Church that can show God's intense love for you - a BeFrienders group, Journey of Hope (Lisa Duffy), etc. Though each situation is unique, we are never the only ones who have suffered what we've suffered. There are countless others. Find them. Finally, though it should have been first, go to Adoration. A lot. It is only through Christ that we are healed. Praying hug

Sep 18th 2012 new

Hi Rebecca,
Yes, I am going through the same thing also. Right now, I am afraid that my son will end up becoming a statistic, because his father rarely sees or visits him. At Mass, I hear the prayers for married life and it almost hurts to respond the, "Lord, hear our prayer". But, I took a divorce class at a parish in my diocese, and Thank You LORD for helping me find this class. It really and truly helped me heal and forgive. There was only 1 church in the entire Diocese of Dallas that had this program, and I am eternally thankful to God for giving me this option. I don't think I would have become as strong as I am today. I hope you can find something similar. My divorce is almost final, it will be next month. Please pray for me, as I will pray for you too. :)
God Bless ~ Amanda

Sep 19th 2012 new

I know I need to partake in more support groups n such, I work 2/3 part time jobs and have a hard time getting out to the meetings ..
Yes its very scary when you see the stats.

One other thing I failed to mention in my original thread is that I have 2 older teens, another boy who will be 19 and is out of my home, I had to boot him out and my daughter is 16 and has some serious issues, behavioral, esteem, eating disorders, and emotional/depression issues & occasional acts out. So, I am scarred. And so are they - from their turbulent inconsistant childhood.

I am so afraid the younger 2, based on genes - will follow in the older ones footsteps. I NEVER thought in a million years the older 2 would have sunch issues. I blame turmoil in the home , which has simmered down alot since I live alone. But the lack of father involvement I know for a fact plays a role in the teens bad behavior and emotional issues. I pray til Im blue, and follow St. Monica's lead. And just know its in GODS timing when / if all will be well.

It's so heart-breaking. Thats where the regret comes in, that perhaps I should have kept my Ex around, at least I would have some semblence as to where he is and what he is doing ( control ) but that truly was not that case for the past 3 years.

Letting Go, of all these things that are truly out of my hands/control is a DAILY struggle for me...

Thanks again to Amanda and all who gace me such great words of hope & felt my pain.

Blessings, theheart

Rebecca












Sep 19th 2012 new

But Rebecca, how much worse it would be had you stayed. God's design for marriage is not to have us, or our children, suffer like that. You say there is more stability now that you are alone - this is a very good turn. You can provide a light for those little ones, and a refuge for the older ones when they find the world too difficult a place. My oldest, a 19 yr old girl, also had a hard time. But she is entering the military to be trained as a nurse - she found a path, and I had nothing to do with it. God has a plan for each individual. We can't control them - we can only guide and love. Yes, stay close to St Monica! Such tears will not go unanswered!


Maybe you know the Serenity Prayer:

(Quote) God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
(Quote) God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
--hide--


It sounds to me like you have changed what you can, and that will continue as situations warrant. Now just accept God's love for you and know His Hand rests on all things. Be God's love to your children in whatever form that takes. In Him, with Him, and Through Him...

Sep 19th 2012 new

(Quote) Jessica-899358 said: We have been taught through church that divorce is a sin.
(Quote) Jessica-899358 said:

We have been taught through church that divorce is a sin.

--hide--


NO WE HAVE NOT BEEN TAUGHT THAT!!!! Why do people have such stilted and distorted views of moral theology? It's not your fault - we hear this kind of nonsense all the time from family members.


We are taught that remarriage after a divorce from a valid sacramental marriage is a sin. Being divorced is NOT a sin.


There are even certain extreme situations where divorce is morally imperative and where it would be wrong to remain married. Examples of this are a spouse who is physicially or sexually abusive. It is sinful to remain with such a person - especially if innocent children are suffering as a result.

Sep 19th 2012 new

(Quote) David-364112 said: NO WE HAVE NOT BEEN TAUGHT THAT!!!! Why do people have such stilted and distorted views of mo...
(Quote) David-364112 said:


NO WE HAVE NOT BEEN TAUGHT THAT!!!! Why do people have such stilted and distorted views of moral theology? It's not your fault - we hear this kind of nonsense all the time from family members.


We are taught that remarriage after a divorce from a valid sacramental marriage is a sin. Being divorced is NOT a sin.


There are even certain extreme situations where divorce is morally imperative and where it would be wrong to remain married. Examples of this are a spouse who is physicially or sexually abusive. It is sinful to remain with such a person - especially if innocent children are suffering as a result.

--hide--

David's statement, while technically correct, may easily be misinterpreted.

A sin is an act. Being divorced is a state, so being divorced cannot be a sin. However, obtaining a divorce is an act -- and in some situations may be sinful for the person initiating the divorce.

It is important to keep in mind that the Church's primary concern is the spiritual welfare of all men and, ultimately, their eternal salvation. Thus, they reflect God's moral laws (the natural law), not necessarily our temporal convenience (i.e., what is easiest for us in this life).

Because of the risk of one or both spouses sinning against purity when the conjugal union is broken, either temporarily or permanently, there is a moral obligation to preserve that union whenever possible. In cases where this is not possible (which may be different than simply not desirable), especially where there is a danger to one or both spouses or the children, separations are permitted. Whenever possible, the separation should be temporary, during which time the spouses will work on correcting the problems that led to the separation and eventually reconcile. The Church does recognize that in some cases permanent separation, which may include a civil divorce for legal reasons, may be necessary; however, this option is morally valid only in extreme situations.

Obviously, when onespouse chooses to walk away from a marriage without just cause the other is not at fault for that decision: the innocent party is not morally accountable for that act.

A note on sacramental marriages:

For two baptized Christians, all valid marriages are sacramental and all sacramental marriages are valid.

When at least one spouse is not a baptized Christian, the marriage will never be sacramental (unless the person is subsequently baptized); however, it may be valid (i.e., a decree of nullity (aka an annulment) cannot be issued).

Valid non-sacramental marriages may, in some limited situations, be dissolved under the Petrine or Pauline privileges.

Valid sacramental marriages may only be dissolved if it can be proven they have not been consummated.

Sep 19th 2012 new

(Quote) Jerry-74383 said: David's statement, while technically correct, may easily be misinterpreted. A ...
(Quote) Jerry-74383 said:

David's statement, while technically correct, may easily be misinterpreted.

A sin is an act. Being divorced is a state, so being divorced cannot be a sin. However, obtaining a divorce is an act -- and in some situations may be sinful for the person initiating the divorce.

It is important to keep in mind that the Church's primary concern is the spiritual welfare of all men and, ultimately, their eternal salvation. Thus, they reflect God's moral laws (the natural law), not necessarily our temporal convenience (i.e., what is easiest for us in this life).

Because of the risk of one or both spouses sinning against purity when the conjugal union is broken, either temporarily or permanently, there is a moral obligation to preserve that union whenever possible. In cases where this is not possible (which may be different than simply not desirable), especially where there is a danger to one or both spouses or the children, separations are permitted. Whenever possible, the separation should be temporary, during which time the spouses will work on correcting the problems that led to the separation and eventually reconcile. The Church does recognize that in some cases permanent separation, which may include a civil divorce for legal reasons, may be necessary; however, this option is morally valid only in extreme situations.

Obviously, when onespouse chooses to walk away from a marriage without just cause the other is not at fault for that decision: the innocent party is not morally accountable for that act.

A note on sacramental marriages:

For two baptized Christians, all valid marriages are sacramental and all sacramental marriages are valid.

When at least one spouse is not a baptized Christian, the marriage will never be sacramental (unless the person is subsequently baptized); however, it may be valid (i.e., a decree of nullity (aka an annulment) cannot be issued).

Valid non-sacramental marriages may, in some limited situations, be dissolved under the Petrine or Pauline privileges.

Valid sacramental marriages may only be dissolved if it can be proven they have not been consummated.

--hide--

Just to clarify: the comments in my previous response were strictly in response to David's post: I was not commenting on the situation described in the topic post or any other individual situations discussed in this topic.

The moral obligations in any particular situation depend a great deal on the specifics of the situation and are not something that can be (or should be) discerned in an Internet forum. Anyone with concerns should discuss them with a priest or spiritual advisor.

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