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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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I am wondering if low self esteem can ultimately keep you from finding "the one" or even scare them off. In the past 3 years I have had major weight gain and my self esteem has plummeted. I am currently on the right track in correcting this. First and foremost by making my relationship with God better. Is it premature of me to be looking for a mate while going through such an issue or should I work my way through the issue and build my confidence up then find a mate? I guess in this case friendship will be more suitable( i may have answered my own question). Interested in what you guys have to say.

Oct 1st 2012 new

Of course such things can keep you from living life and finding the fulfillment of your vocation. The question is, should it? I say it should not.

But the other question is why would something as worldly and sort of not important in the grand scheme of your salvation as a number on a scale so affect who you are and how you see yourself at your core? I think if you can address that question, the first one resolves itself.

Praying for you! Praying hug

Oct 1st 2012 new

(Quote) John-593352 said: I am wondering if low self esteem can ultimately keep you from finding "the one" or even...
(Quote) John-593352 said:

I am wondering if low self esteem can ultimately keep you from finding "the one" or even scare them off. In the past 3 years I have had major weight gain and my self esteem has plummeted. I am currently on the right track in correcting this. First and foremost by making my relationship with God better. Is it premature of me to be looking for a mate while going through such an issue or should I work my way through the issue and build my confidence up then find a mate? I guess in this case friendship will be more suitable( i may have answered my own question). Interested in what you guys have to say.

--hide--

I think all of us, at times, can find ourselves in low self-esteem. Recognizing when that occurs, and TAKING action to correct that shows recovery to healthy self-esteem.

I would continue searching for a potential spouse even while recovering to self-esteem.

Oct 1st 2012 new
Low self-esteem will definitely cost you. Women like high self-esteem, perseverance, and positive thinking. They want you to be a man and be proud of who you are. They should want those things and you should want to give them a positive and happy you. You should have a positive outlook and make the best out of what you have and try hard to lose weight. The work that you put yourself through to lose and maintain your weight will pay off one way or another. I would tell you to make the best of what you have now and keep looking. Life is too short not to. You have to help yourself to improve your self-esteem with or without excess weight.
Oct 2nd 2012 new

(Quote) John-593352 said: I am wondering if low self esteem can ultimately keep you from finding "the one" or even...
(Quote) John-593352 said:

I am wondering if low self esteem can ultimately keep you from finding "the one" or even scare them off. In the past 3 years I have had major weight gain and my self esteem has plummeted. I am currently on the right track in correcting this. First and foremost by making my relationship with God better. Is it premature of me to be looking for a mate while going through such an issue or should I work my way through the issue and build my confidence up then find a mate? I guess in this case friendship will be more suitable( i may have answered my own question). Interested in what you guys have to say.

--hide--

I've often heard it say that you can not love another until you can learn to love yourself. I actually just wrote a ton on this topic on here yesterday.

As far as waiting to work through a self-esteem issue before dating...that's tough to answer...I don't think I have one. Though, trying to use the affirmation from anyone else to assuage your feelings is not fair to the other person, will not help you in the long run, and will not create a healthy relationship. So, it's important to be honest to ourselves about our intentions. But, if we wait until we are perfectly happy with ourselves, we may be waiting forever because we all are flawed and that won't change. If we are constantly looking at one area, getting that under control won't make us happy. So many people think "if I only lost weight, I'd be happy" or "if I just found that special someone, I'd be happy" or "if I just made more money..." or "if I just knew how to pray better..." or...you get the idea. The problem is we can't control these things...sometimes we just have to learn to be happy with what we have.

We are also our worst critics. It's surprising what lists we have about our own issues that others simply wouldn't consider thinking about us. Yes, we can and should strive to be the best versions of ourselves...but that doesn't mean we can't love and be loved along the way. Because, we're never going to get there..perfection can only be found in God.

You know the saying "love is blind?" I don't believe that means we don't see things, or don't see clearly. What it means to me is that because love is a choice...we choose to see the real person. And, no, it's not easy. And a lot of people won't choose to see the real "us"...but it doesn't matter. The ones that don't choose to love you do not get to define you, either.

We are not numbers on a scale, hair styles, clothes, eye colors, handicaps, or even our interests. We are fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image. God is love. Therefore...we are supposed to be love. We are supposed to choose to love each other regardless of our faults but still encourage and help people to become their best...and we have to let them help us become our best.

Also...when trying to determine what to change about ourselves and what to work on approving...we have to be careful of the reason we are changing. Changing for someone else or what we thing someone else would want, isn't a good enough reason. If we try to use others as our measuring cup, we'll never be satisfied. We must listen to what we believe God wants us to do and to be. You are perfectly you...even with your imperfections. And, if you allow yourself to be open to love...love will find you, even if you don't think you are "good enough" for it yet. Because we are good enough.

Oct 2nd 2012 new

(Quote) John-593352 said: I am wondering if low self esteem can ultimately keep you from finding "the one" or even...
(Quote) John-593352 said:

I am wondering if low self esteem can ultimately keep you from finding "the one" or even scare them off. In the past 3 years I have had major weight gain and my self esteem has plummeted. I am currently on the right track in correcting this. First and foremost by making my relationship with God better. Is it premature of me to be looking for a mate while going through such an issue or should I work my way through the issue and build my confidence up then find a mate? I guess in this case friendship will be more suitable( i may have answered my own question). Interested in what you guys have to say.

--hide--


John, I good friend told me it is never the wrong time to meet someone! Although I am not sure if that is true during extreme life drama...(just after a death, breakup etc)...in general I think she is right. Stay open! You might meet someone in your weight loss struggle...cause we ladies are ALWAYS trying to lose a few pounds. And this may be a bit pathetic...but a LOT of women like fixer-up guys. Women wanna solve problems and help. It is our nature. It is true we often like those ultra self secure types too...but that can be a bit much....don't underestimate or pass over the women who want to get involved and help:o) Of all the things I can tell guys (women too)...good personal hygiene goes a LONG way....dress nice, get that hair cut- on the head and in the ears (ewww) ...look after yourself...I well put-together guy who might be a few pounds too heavy, if a lady feels some attractions, she won't even notice- I promise!

Oct 2nd 2012 new

You should never let anything prevent you from making friends with women. Just be yourself, who ever you are in the moment, We like men who represent themselves for who they truly are rather than men who over sell themselves.
And If you can decide not to make your weight an issue, go ahead and ask women out, you may be able to weed out the women who are shallow, who don't see the man you truly are and this could be a blessing. But do not put yourself through it if possible rejection would cause you to fall back or give up on your resolve to lose weight.

But, a bigger question, is your self esteem directly related to your weight or to who you are as a man of God? You stated that you are working on your relationship with the Man, we are ALways doing this, we never "accomplish" this to it's perfect end. So, get out there and meet the girls who are working on doing the same and you might find God has a surprise in one of them just for you, just the way you are. biggrin
( signed; hopelessly postive thinking romantic)

Oct 2nd 2012 new

(Quote) Karen-712407 said: You should never let anything prevent you from making friends with women. Just be yourself, who e...
(Quote) Karen-712407 said:

You should never let anything prevent you from making friends with women. Just be yourself, who ever you are in the moment, We like men who represent themselves for who they truly are rather than men who over sell themselves.
And If you can decide not to make your weight an issue, go ahead and ask women out, you may be able to weed out the women who are shallow, who don't see the man you truly are and this could be a blessing. But do not put yourself through it if possible rejection would cause you to fall back or give up on your resolve to lose weight.

But, a bigger question, is your self esteem directly related to your weight or to who you are as a man of God? You stated that you are working on your relationship with the Man, we are ALways doing this, we never "accomplish" this to it's perfect end. So, get out there and meet the girls who are working on doing the same and you might find God has a surprise in one of them just for you, just the way you are.
( signed; hopelessly postive thinking romantic)

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( signed; hopelessly postive thinking romantic) -------> easy to be hopelessly positive when the Vikings are 3-1 and the only team thus far to have beaten the 49ers. laughing Yeah, baby! Me thinks you're related to Dawn 58330 who is the purveryor of positivity, as you too are purveying positivity. biggrin

Oct 2nd 2012 new

(Quote) Dan-656122 said: ( signed; hopelessly postive thinking romantic) -------> easy to be hopelessly positive ...
(Quote) Dan-656122 said:



( signed; hopelessly postive thinking romantic) -------> easy to be hopelessly positive when the Vikings are 3-1 and the only team thus far to have beaten the 49ers. Yeah, baby! Me thinks you're related to Dawn 58330 who is the purveryor of positivity, as you too are purveying positivity.

--hide--
You're positively positive about the positivity???? scratchchin

Oct 2nd 2012 new

(Quote) John-593352 said: I am wondering if low self esteem can ultimately keep you from finding "the one" or even...
(Quote) John-593352 said:

I am wondering if low self esteem can ultimately keep you from finding "the one" or even scare them off. In the past 3 years I have had major weight gain and my self esteem has plummeted. I am currently on the right track in correcting this. First and foremost by making my relationship with God better. Is it premature of me to be looking for a mate while going through such an issue or should I work my way through the issue and build my confidence up then find a mate? I guess in this case friendship will be more suitable( i may have answered my own question). Interested in what you guys have to say.

--hide--
Greetings, John -- First of all, we want to welcome you to the CM forums. You've found your way here. If you've been browsing and lurking, you know there are many topics that relate to everyday life, problems and solutions; you'll find wisdom, knowledge and solid suggestions here, many coupled with a sprinkle of humor.

You've started off with a serious question -- one that is difficult to give a 100% correct answer.

Wonder no more about self-esteem tanking relationship potential. Your first and foremost goal is on target. Ultimately, you're here to be of service to Him -- that's of primary importance. It's the only thing that will last forever. Self-esteem can be at an all time high if you are in good standing with the Good Lord.

While we're here, we're expected to take good care of ourselves, being "temples" of the Holy Spirit. as it is said. We're not perfect in this by any means, nor are we in our behavior. But it's important to be trying -- making progress or at least trying to make progress. Sometimes our obstacles are difficult to overcome.

Weight problems? You're not alone, but that's really not much of a comfort to you. The question that comes to mind is the reason for your "major weight gain". There could be some underlying medical problem, and I hope if that's a possibility that you've been checked out by a doctor. Lack of activity and dietary habits are both a major cause. If that's the case, you know what you have to do. It'll take discipline and patience, along with lifestyle changes, but your health will improve, your weight problem will be reduced (no pun intended), and your self-esteem will rise.

In the meantime, you can feel free to seek a relationship or companionship. No reason not to. If your situation is a concern to a woman who is drawing your interest, you can be open and honest. Perhaps a compassionate woman will be able to help you achieve your worldly goals that you have mentioned. People come in all shapes, sizes, and colors -- it makes the world a more interesting place. Each one of us is unique. We see married couples, and couples in a relationship that will probably lead to marriage with all different appearances. What's important is our core values -- what's inside of us, our personality, our spirituality.

Stay focused -- especially spiritually. Ask Him for help. No -- you won't lose weight just by saying a prayer, but you can gain the fortitude to pursue your goal. Try it -- you have nothing to lose except some weight.

(A little PS -- if you haven't been involved in an exercise routine, consult with your doctor so you can find some ways that are safe for you.)

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