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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Oct 7th 2012 new

(Quote) Jacqueline-556574 said: Hmmm.....crickets, Marian?
(Quote) Jacqueline-556574 said: Hmmm.....crickets, Marian?
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Jaqueline,

You generated an excellent list of questions. Most of those questions (not all of them since some are personal) can be developed into interview questions.





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Oct 7th 2012 new

(Quote) Jacqueline-556574 said: Some of the questions that need to be asked, may seem trivial and unnecessary, but they do need to ...
(Quote) Jacqueline-556574 said: Some of the questions that need to be asked, may seem trivial and unnecessary, but they do need to be addressed, as they may be very important for the two to get along or be able to live together peaceably.

The roles of both men and women in marriage can be so variable, that assuptions cannot be made.

For example, a past colleague of mine, who I do not know well,

told me that she and her new husband got a divorce after a year of marriage for the following reason. The reason appears to be very trivial, but it does create a question of assumptions of marriage roles. Neither is Catholic:

The issue was: Who would cook the meals for the couple?



Both were in their 20's, and working toward their professional careers.

Both worked during the day and often late into the early evening.

Both were the star children of mothers who had cooked all of their meals, all of their lives. Both had parents who had catered to these star childrens' needs, and had invested into the childrens' lives.

Both had important careers that they wanted to invest their time into the development of the career.

Neither knew how to cook, as neither ever had to.

Both made serious assumptions about their marital roles going into the marriage. The question of who was responsible for cooking the meals became a serious issue that the couple could not resolve!
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Jacqueline, Thank you for these thought provoking posts! VERY GOOD POSTS!

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Oct 7th 2012 new

(Quote) Matt-849404 said: I just love how most posts in this topic, especially by the women, seem to have a very pointed sexism abo...
(Quote) Matt-849404 said: I just love how most posts in this topic, especially by the women, seem to have a very pointed sexism about them. They just generically say "men" as though all men share exactly the same qualities, personalities, skills, and weaknesses. We are not interchangeable, there may be similarities between the guys that you have corresponded with in a particular age bracket, but do not think or act as if all men are exactly the same because they are men. It's quite insulting. And just to prove my point and add some relevance to the topic; I usually find myself asking the most questions in my conversations on CM or elsewhere. For the record, there's nothing heated about this post, this is not written in anger or resentment, simply common sense and fair mindedness.
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I have not lumped all men together. We are, in the forums, used to discussions. If you have something to say, say it. If you disagree, then say so. No one lumped all men into one definition. I did address any men who want to repond.

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Oct 7th 2012 new

Good question, Marian! I've been on both sides of this fence. I have spent time w/ men who after several hours of "conversation" knew absolutely nothing more about me than they did when we met, AND I've been grilled like the Spanish Inquisition. laughing I actually had a man, after 3 hours of talking about himself with only a nod or uh-huh from me, tell me that I was really interesting. laughing laughing laughing (Sorry guys, no disrespect intended!)


I would like to suggest that when you are communicating with someone new, and as things progress, BOTH men and women take the time to formulate a few questions about some topics you noted on their profiles or past conversations. These questions should be more of the "Tell me about the time you ____. "I noticed _____in your profile and I wondered how you felt about that." "Last time we spoke, you mentioned _____ and I have been thinking about it." Ask open-ended questions so the other cannot just give a yes/no answer. It's a process of discovery and it's important for discernment.


A word of warning for both sexes: if the other person is monopolizing the conversation without encouragement from you, consider this--they are nervous and feel the need to fill all spaces with words OR they are really more impressed with themselves than you are. Everyone deserves a second chance.


Just my two cents

biggrin

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Oct 7th 2012 new

(Quote) Matt-849404 said: I just love how most posts in this topic, especially by the women, seem to have a very pointed sexism abo...
(Quote) Matt-849404 said: I just love how most posts in this topic, especially by the women, seem to have a very pointed sexism about them. They just generically say "men" as though all men share exactly the same qualities, personalities, skills, and weaknesses. We are not interchangeable, there may be similarities between the guys that you have corresponded with in a particular age bracket, but do not think or act as if all men are exactly the same because they are men. It's quite insulting. And just to prove my point and add some relevance to the topic; I usually find myself asking the most questions in my conversations on CM or elsewhere. For the record, there's nothing heated about this post, this is not written in anger or resentment, simply common sense and fair mindedness.
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Hi Matt! Welcome to the CM forums! Glad to see you jumping in.

I don't think Marian was painting all men with the same brush. She posted a question which is open to discussion. This is the premise of the Fora. We try to be kind in our answers but honest and forthright. In my experience here, I rarely see a truly angry discussion (but then I don't spend any time in the political forum! laughing )

As far as sexism, well..... the only point of view we have is our own. Women cannot know what men think or feel, and men cannot know what women think or feel, until we ask! biggrin We can only speak out of our own experiences which becomes reality for each of us.

That you find yourself "asking most of the questions," says to me you are a considerate young man and genuinely interested in the person with whom you share your time. It's very flattering to the young woman and to you! Hopefully they are asked in a form that says "I'm interested" and not "I'm interviewing." God bless you as you join our community!

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Oct 7th 2012 new

I usually find myself asking the most questions in my conversations on CM or elsewhere.

Matt, I am glad you shared the above with us on this thread. If you do this, ask questions of your date, you have nothing to be concerned about. I wish more men (Specifically ones I have already not kept dating..after one or two dates..) would revisit this task and that was my goal in bringing up this topic.


My hope is that when people meet for that F2F they will let themselves engage in some mutual curiosity about one another and ask those questions.

I do not have any list in mind but I probably have a private list of things I wish men would ask me. I will contemplate this.

Is there anything you wish the ladies would ask you Matt?

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Oct 7th 2012 new
Missy, you make some good points. Except that when one generically says "men" they in fact do lump all men into one category. There were also some other things said like "men" do not ask questions because "men" are "afraid" to take the next step or some nonsense like that. That's very insulting, unfair, and demeaning to the rest of us guys that are not carbon copies of the few men she has talked to. I'm not trying to be argumentative. I just hate sexist remarks and generalizations against either gender.
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Oct 7th 2012 new
Marian, no I don't have anything in mind that I would specifically like to be asked, the women that I talk to do have questions, but normally I find myself having to take the lead and bring up topics etc... to keep the conversation moving forward. And it all depends on the particular person. I think especially in an area such as this where we are all prospectively looking to date and/or marry, that God has a hand in helping us sort out those we do and do not need to be associated with in order to attain our vocation and therefore His will. And not all conversations are meant to go anywhere.
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Oct 7th 2012 new

(Quote) Matt-849404 said: Missy, you make some good points. Except that when one generically says "men" they in fact do l...
(Quote) Matt-849404 said: Missy, you make some good points. Except that when one generically says "men" they in fact do lump all men into one category. There were also some other things said like "men" do not ask questions because "men" are "afraid" to take the next step or some nonsense like that. That's very insulting, unfair, and demeaning to the rest of us guys that are not carbon copies of the few men she has talked to. I'm not trying to be argumentative. I just hate sexist remarks and generalizations against either gender.
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Matt,


My title of this thread begins with the word "Men." In essence I am asking the men a question. I ask them ARE YOU ASKING women questions on dates or in communication are you asking any questions?


Matt, Maybe if you reread where I got that information that you felt was a generalization, you will see that I was paraphrasing from what one man posted here in this thread about himself and he generalized himself about what men do and don't do... when I stated what one man who posted here said, It was not an all or nothing comment and certainly was not meant to be factual, sexist or lumping of "men" into one category only.

Having said that, I have been on date after date where men would have kept dating me if I would not have stopped them from talking non stop and not asking a single question. Certianly by now I have built up enough experience that I am allowed to generalize about those experiences. Am I not allowed to talk about my experiences without having to talk in detail of them?

Women have shared with me that they have these conversations with men which may last two, three or more hours and no questions are asked of the woman.


I did not come on here to berate or criticize men and certainly did not come here to speak ill of individuals I have dated ot spoken to.

I came forward to pose a GENERAL QUESTION which by the asking SEEMS to generalize about men but is not meant to generalize toward men in any demeaning, demanding or bashing kind of way.

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Oct 7th 2012 new

Actually I was only summarizing what the man who posted (Peter) said.

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