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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Oct 11th 2012 new

“I’d rather be alone than in a bad marriage.”

I agree with this one 100%. I don't get their problem with this.

“I’m not sure if I have a soul mate.”

I have always disagreed with the notion of a "soulmate". It creates a romanticized ideal no one can live up to. For some people there are thousands of people with whom they could have a fulfilling marriage, which negates the premise of a single soulmate. However others may not have someone who is right for them, or live in an area where there are few other singles. Maybe there isn't someone for everyone. Stereotyping singles and laying a guilt trip on them accomplishes nothing.

Some of these point are valid, and point to an overly strong orientation toward self or a lack of faith as hindrances to marriage. However the Catholic and Protestant clergy and lay people bemoaning the decline in Christian marriage need to take a long look in the mirror and ask: Are we creating an environment in which singles feel welcome and valued, or is our message geared entirely toward those married with families? Have we made an effort to introduce singles we believe would be compatible? Have I done what I can to help people along the path to marriage, or do I prefer to make them feel lacking and to blame for being single?

Oct 12th 2012 new

Interesting take on this Patrick,
Having been married twice, once miserably, once wonderfully, I would say that there may be thousands of people you Could be married to successfully, but, when push comes to shove, only a truly beautifully matched couple - divinely inspired to be together - can get through the really tough times without finding fault, blame, reason to be discouraged and let go. Our Faith needs to be in God's ability to bring the two of us together and Faith in Ourselves, in being able to make ourselves available and ready for that time.

I very much agree with your comments calling the faith community to task on how singles are viewed and responded to, it is worth saying again;
[quote]"Are we creating an environment in which singles feel welcome and valued, or is our message geared entirely toward those married with families? Have we made an effort to introduce singles we believe would be compatible? Have I done what I can to help people along the path to marriage, or do I prefer to make them feel lacking and to blame for being single?

Oct 12th 2012 new
(Quote) Pat-5351 said: Colleen, I totally agree. The two that resonate the most, that I think I see in people the most, are...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

Colleen, I totally agree.



The two that resonate the most, that I think I see in people the most, are:



5. A Poor Understanding of the Purpose of Marriage



7. Wanting the Perfect Mate



I think the selfishness issue comes along in both of them. Marriage is sacrificial, and people don't see it that way. They think that marriage is supposed to "make me happy" not "make me holy."



And the forever search for the perfect person will always end in heartache.



I can't believe how many (and may I say, especially men) are 'sacrificing the very good on the altar of the perfect' every day. And how that will leave many alone at the end of that game.



The whole thing is very sad to me.



--hide--


I will have to respectfully disagree. As far as I can tell, of all the men that I've talked to and by my own personal battles, I'd have to say that #10 outweighs all the others combined.

Simply put, men are terrified of marriage because of divorce. I personally had recurrent nightmares of being cheated on and divorced by a venial, predatory wife. This nightmare started at the age of 12. Considering that I came from a loving and stable family, I dread to know what the children of broken homes suffer.
Oct 12th 2012 new

Interesting. Thanks for posting Pat! wave

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: You all have heard me talk about a great Christian singles e magazine called Boundless. They have a g...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

You all have heard me talk about a great Christian singles e magazine called Boundless. They have a good article today called "Singleness Gut Check," talking about a book called "The Singlehood Phenomenon" by Drs. Beverly and Tom Rodgers.

Here the link:

www.boundlessline.org

And here is the very interesting list. Does anyone see themselves?

1. Skepticism About Love and Marriage

“I’d rather be alone than in a bad marriage.”

2. Lack of Faith in God’s Provision

“I’m not sure if I have a soul mate.”

3. Unresolved Issues From the Past

“I always seem to attract unhealthy people.”

4. Confusion About the Rules

“I don’t even know how to date.”

5. A Poor Understanding of the Purpose of Marriage

“I think being single may be an easier way to live.”

6. Fear of Getting Hurt

“I don’t want to be hurt again.”

7. Wanting the Perfect Mate

“I’m not a perfectionist; I’m just picky.”

8. Not Dealing with Prior Heartbreak

“I don’t want to feel the pain.”

9. An Unbalanced Focus on Career

“I want to be established before I get married.”

10. Concern That the Marriage Will Fail

“I don’t want to get divorced.”


--hide--

Oct 12th 2012 new

(Quote) Colleen-13855 said: You left out selfishness. So many people are focused on self rather than to love sacrificially.<...
(Quote) Colleen-13855 said:

You left out selfishness. So many people are focused on self rather than to love sacrificially.

--hide--

True Colleen - ever see "Self" magazine?



Oct 12th 2012 new

9 An Unbalanced Focus on Career. I want to be established before I get married.


I don't think I agree. Even Dear Abby recommends being able to support yourself before you get married. If established means being steadily employed or certainly employable before you get married, I think that's very positive.

Oct 12th 2012 new
(Quote) Pat-5351 said: You all have heard me talk about a great Christian singles e magazine called Boundless. They have a good article t...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

You all have heard me talk about a great Christian singles e magazine called Boundless. They have a good article today called "Singleness Gut Check," talking about a book called "The Singlehood Phenomenon" by Drs. Beverly and Tom Rodgers.



Here the link:



www.boundlessline.org



And here is the very interesting list. Does anyone see themselves?



1. Skepticism About Love and Marriage



“I’d rather be alone than in a bad marriage.”



2. Lack of Faith in God’s Provision



“I’m not sure if I have a soul mate.”



3. Unresolved Issues From the Past



“I always seem to attract unhealthy people.”



4. Confusion About the Rules



“I don’t even know how to date.”



5. A Poor Understanding of the Purpose of Marriage



“I think being single may be an easier way to live.”



6. Fear of Getting Hurt



“I don’t want to be hurt again.”



7. Wanting the Perfect Mate



“I’m not a perfectionist; I’m just picky.”



8. Not Dealing with Prior Heartbreak



“I don’t want to feel the pain.”



9. An Unbalanced Focus on Career



“I want to be established before I get married.”



10. Concern That the Marriage Will Fail



“I don’t want to get divorced.”






--hide--


The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is higher than that for 1st time marriages, which does scare the heck out of me, but is not the reason why I've not remarried. Yet, such reality gets my attention in view of the fact that the the Great Recession completely wiped me out financially, leaving me to start completely over. At 51, who is going to hitch their wagon to that, and why would I want to hitch my wagon to another person before I'm prepared to take on the role of being able to provide for her, which is why I've returned to college to pursue a professional degree. I mean, if I had a daughter, I sure as heck would advise her against marrying a guy who was unable to provide for her, so I'm just taking my own advice. Am I sick of the loneliness? Of course, you bet. But it beats the heck out of the thought of being at high risk for a second divorce.
Oct 12th 2012 new

(Quote) Colleen-13855 said: You left out selfishness. So many people are focused on self rather than to love sacrificially.<...
(Quote) Colleen-13855 said:

You left out selfishness. So many people are focused on self rather than to love sacrificially.

--hide--
Greetings, Colleen, and welcome to the forums. You may have browsed at the various topics while you've been a member -- now you've decided to actively participate in them.

Your comment was on target!!!

Oct 12th 2012 new

(Quote) Julie-42315 said: 9 An Unbalanced Focus on Career. I want to be established before I get married. I don&#...
(Quote) Julie-42315 said:

9 An Unbalanced Focus on Career. I want to be established before I get married.


I don't think I agree. Even Dear Abby recommends being able to support yourself before you get married. If established means being steadily employed or certainly employable before you get married, I think that's very positive.

--hide--
There really isn't much security in a job nowadays. Here one day--gone the next. I'm afraid if one is looking for security, it'll have to be found elsewhere. Actually, true security comes from within a person; not what the world offers (or retracts).

Established in a career? The meaning I take from it is that a person is well beyond the starting point, or climbing near the top of the corporate ladder, so to speak. It's much more than having a steady job. Others may interpret this differently, of course.

Oct 12th 2012 new
(Quote) Patrick-872788 said: “I’d rather be alone than in a bad marriage.” I agree with this one...
(Quote) Patrick-872788 said:

“I’d rather be alone than in a bad marriage.”



I agree with this one 100%. I don't get their problem with this.



“I’m not sure if I have a soul mate.”



I have always disagreed with the notion of a "soulmate". It creates a romanticized ideal no one can live up to. For some people there are thousands of people with whom they could have a fulfilling marriage, which negates the premise of a single soulmate. However others may not have someone who is right for them, or live in an area where there are few other singles. Maybe there isn't someone for everyone. Stereotyping singles and laying a guilt trip on them accomplishes nothing.



Some of these point are valid, and point to an overly strong orientation toward self or a lack of faith as hindrances to marriage. However the Catholic and Protestant clergy and lay people bemoaning the decline in Christian marriage need to take a long look in the mirror and ask: Are we creating an environment in which singles feel welcome and valued, or is our message geared entirely toward those married with families? Have we made an effort to introduce singles we believe would be compatible? Have I done what I can to help people along the path to marriage, or do I prefer to make them feel lacking and to blame for being single?



--hide--


I too, am over it with the term "soul mate" - at worst, it's a delusion for those still wearing the rose-tinted glasses. At best, it's a term best reserved for the couple that made it till "death do us part." Someone once said, "the only successful marriage is the one than ends in a death." I am sick to death of people who say their spouse is their "soul mate", and then in a matter of a few years they join the ranks of the rest of us whose marriages failed. Whenever I think of the word "commitment" in the context of marriage, I FINALLY came to the harsh reality that the word "commitment" carries an underlying implication, that being the fact that marriage is a "long and winding road" of nonstop sacrifice, exemplified by Christ's sacrifice for His Church, of which we are His bridegroom who must make the daily decision to sacrifice for Him. Oh.....sorry....I got carried away!
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