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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

10/10/2012 new

(Quote) Ray-566531 said: No, Elizabeth -- you spelled "anything else" correctly......
(Quote) Ray-566531 said:

No, Elizabeth -- you spelled "anything else" correctly......

--hide--


Thank you, Ray. wave


- Elizabeth

10/10/2012 new

I think we do have an advantage in that we have a background of a successful marriage to springboard off of. I don't think I am looking for a clone, but there are qualities that I admired that I look for again. I am also much more independent and sure of myself than I was "back then" so what I feel I need from a spouse has changed. It is sort of exciting to think I may have a second chance to get it right. I certainly look forward to learning new things and sharing new experiences.

10/11/2012 new

I lost my husband two years ago. I met him went I was 12 years old and start dating at 14. We grew up together. I can say that there is no one that can be like him ever or replace him. The thought of ever making someone else my husband is not on my mind. I would like to be friends with someone but I can never live with anyone again. Those days have gone. We had a perfect life together, had children and when out together. I never went any where with out him. Well maybe a few times with my sister but always with my family. It is so hard I would not know were to begin. I did face him going to heaven because I was right there by his side with my children. I know he is not coming back but in a better place. What would be in my mind is that he would want me to live my life to its fullest. I know my man and I know thats what he would want me to do and God wants us to do this. I am specking for these young ladys that have a full life to live yet . Go and enjoy it and don't let anything get in your way.

10/12/2012 new

(Quote) Brenda-895474 said: I lost my husband two years ago. I met him went I was 12 years old and start dating at 14. We gr...
(Quote) Brenda-895474 said:

I lost my husband two years ago. I met him went I was 12 years old and start dating at 14. We grew up together. I can say that there is no one that can be like him ever or replace him. The thought of ever making someone else my husband is not on my mind. I would like to be friends with someone but I can never live with anyone again. Those days have gone. We had a perfect life together, had children and when out together. I never went any where with out him. Well maybe a few times with my sister but always with my family. It is so hard I would not know were to begin. I did face him going to heaven because I was right there by his side with my children. I know he is not coming back but in a better place. What would be in my mind is that he would want me to live my life to its fullest. I know my man and I know thats what he would want me to do and God wants us to do this. I am specking for these young ladys that have a full life to live yet . Go and enjoy it and don't let anything get in your way.

--hide--
Brenda -- I understand what you are saying now, and that's an honest reflection of how you are feeling now. It's been 2 years since you lost your husband -- an eternity, yet just a speck of time in the grand scheme of things.

You've had a successful marriage, and you now feel that there's no way you could ever achieve that level of happiness and contentment with someone else. This is possibly true. But....we don't truly know how we will feel a year from now......2 years from now. I'm glad you are seeking companionship -- it's good and healthy for you. Companionship can develop into something deeper -- again that's something we don't know and can't predict. All we can do is be open to the Lord's will. Perhaps in time you will feel differently and be more open to a relationship. It's difficult to see that now -- we don't doubt that. Many people seem resigned to spend the rest of their days unmarried and may pass up some excellent opportunities to a future together with someone else. Some may regret that decision; others might not have a choice.

For those of us who have lost our mates, we will NOT and cannot find another person who will be the same as who we once had. That life simply can't be replaced. That's 100% fact. That time in our lives is gone -- not to be relived or recovered. We go on, doing what we can that is pleasing to our Good Lord and doing His will. We may come to appreciate the excellent qualities of another person, enough that we will develop strong feelings toward that person.

Should the time come when you feel you would like to seek another close relationship with someone, wouldn't your husband want you to take advantage of that? We want the best for our spouses, even when we're gone. You can put up a barrier and possibly end up miserable, or you can look for a brighter future which is entirely possible to have.

Prayer and reflection will help immensely. Keep up your Faith and be open to what the Good Lord is setting before you.

10/12/2012 new

Good advice from others for you here Christina.
Yes, there must be a void to fill or you will never be able to put more in that space. I think we are often afraid to allow that void, sometimes we would rather hold onto the pain, you would think not but pain is a given and a known, a void is unknown territory and there is more to fear in the unknown.
Once there is a void, we need to be careful not to fill it with anything other than what God would put there. This is easier said than done. But experiences with friendships, dating and meeting people of all walks of life are teachable moments in life, they help us to navigate, help us to see who we are, who our spouse was, who they were to us, who we are separate from him/her. It also opens us up to this wide wonderous world filled with God's own people. If we allow ourselves to be open, tip toe in, test the waters and soon we will be walking on water with God by our side. At that point, You won't even have to think twice about comparisons, it won't enter your mind except to think, umm, this vaguely reminds me of something 'Dale' did or wow, I have never met anyone who thinks like that, etc.
So jump into what ever experiences God puts in front of you and enjoy the ride he sends you on.

I think I just reiterated what the others said, just in slightly different words
That just reminded me of the movie "P.S. I Love You" good one for a young widow to watch.

10/12/2012 new

Thanks Ray,
But I'm not in denial I just expressing reality and how I feel. Every thing you said is correct . You are a excellent talker. I don't know what your experience is but it sounds like you have a lot of experience about peoples feelings. I know you have been through this too. But my experience with my husband was like he was not only a husband but a brother and a friend. We grew up together. Our whole life together. Yes I will make a friend but thats all it can be. Its nice just to have someone to got out with and eat together go to church together and talk. I hope that it happens but I haven't seen anything yet. You are a good person and I pray that your special person your special angel comes to you. God Bless you for being so caring to everyone.

10/13/2012 new

(Quote) Christina-816969 said: I'm a bit timid about starting any kind of relationship with a man because I'm afraid...
(Quote) Christina-816969 said:

I'm a bit timid about starting any kind of relationship with a man because I'm afraid I will only compare him to my late husband. This would obviously be very unfair for the new man in my life. Any advice from folks who have gone thru this?

--hide--

It might be over simplistic, but at least the beginning of the solution would be to just accept each person as they are.

No one will ever be like your late spouse.

On the other hand, I had the best and I won't settle for anything less. But that does not mean I would be comparing anyone to my late wife.

I have a standard. The same standard I had when I met and married my wife. My years have added a better understanding of those standards and got rid of some that were meaningless ( in other words, I hope I matured) and I will be only interested in how close someone may fit those standards.

10/13/2012 new

What I am saying is camparing is not the right word. We are people with feelings and not furniture or a dress . We are human beings with feelings. I will never forget and every person you meet will not meet up to my first love but I will turn the page to a new opening and keep in mind that he is in a better place with God by his side. I turly believe this and know he wants me to move on and I am trying. Its hard when you lived the same rutine with your husband by your side and now hes gone. I loved him very much. He was my protector and stood my me . He loved my cooking and our children and grandchildren. He should of never died. The system killed him the medical care that people in this country our not getting. Yes I'm hurt . I fought for my husband to live and he was let down by the system. He fought till the day he died. He never wanted to leave us. If only the medical care would of came in time he would of live. Its a long story and I am venting something that has nothing to do with this question. But it does ! Thats a big turn to make when someone has gone though living with their specal person all their life and watch the pain and suffer of not only my husband but my four childen and grandchildren the youngest only 8 years old who had to expect their father/Grandfather is gone. My daughter was going thought nursing school and was there by his side . Its only two years and I had to be at my granddaughters communion , grandsons conformation , and my daughter graduationing from Nursing school with out him. It was so hard. It was a great blessing to see them accomplish something in life and I know this made him happy looking down from heaven. Sorry everyone for writing something that I guess has nothing to do with the question.

I'm ok but sad and for saying I have to say the word campare is not the right word. (tears while writing this!)

10/13/2012 new

Sorry for the writng but my eyes were teary at the time.

10/13/2012 new

(Quote) Brenda-895474 said: Sorry for the writng but my eyes were teary at the time.
(Quote) Brenda-895474 said:

Sorry for the writng but my eyes were teary at the time.

--hide--


Dear Brenda,

No need to apologize. Tears remove toxins from the body. There is no point in stopping them. It has only been two years since you lost the love of your life. While no one will ever take his place, you have joined a community where there is hope that you can recapture some of that joy. That to me speaks volumes for the love you shared. Neither of my grandparents sought to remarry after my grandpas died and they were both fairly young. One because it was too much work being married to an abusive man and the other because no one would ever be as good a man as her husband. It was the second who I always felt the worst for. She never got through the pain and it left her feeling quite alone. I also have never felt as close to her as when my own husband died and I longed to talk to her and tell her I finally understood.

There is a saying that time heals all wounds. I believe it is more true that love heals all wounds. God puts people in our path to help us deal with the enormity of our loss. Some of those qualities that came from our spouse are reflected in the new friendships we form. No one person will be exactly the same, but as we grow and learn and trust in Him and rediscover ourselves and our role without our mate, we find we have more to give. Be patient as it takes time and it is a constantly evolving condition. You will have days where you will love yourself for who you are and what you've been through. You will also have days where seeking that person that was once your former spouse changes, because you realize that you carry him in your heart. After sharing a life for so long with another, it becomes hard to separate them from us. We're not the same people that we were when we got married. I carry my spouse with me in my thoughts and decisions, my attitudes and my actions. To find someone willing to share my life is a package deal. They are pretty much getting him with me. I think that's where looking to compare shifts to looking for compatibilty.

God bless you in your search.

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