Faith Focused Dating. Create your Free Profile and meet your Match! Sign Up for Free
A place to learn, mingle, and share

This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

10/29/2012 new

My wife chose a grave flanked by by two likely saints whom she loved and I guess she couldn't be happier. But that leaves me no way to be buried next to her. I told the kids if I don't remarry, to have me cremated and put in with mom. But I certainly expect to be buried elsewhere if I remarry.

As to visiting a grave site, there will never be a electronic alternative. The remains of a saintly person are first class relics. I know that my chest was continuously crushed anywhere but besides my wife Aimee. And although she is dead in this world, somehow being near her earthy remains gave me such peace and joy and contentment. It seems so odd that a man could only find joy sitting beside the grave of the the love of his life, but if I didn't have kids to care for, I might never have left her side.

I think the grave site belongs to the kids. They will live the longest with that hole in their life. Hopefully, I will remarry. but nobody can ever fill that hole in their hearts.

10/31/2012 new

(Quote) Susan-814299 said: Hi everyone, there is a topic in the 45 and up forum about preparing for your funeral so that you...
(Quote) Susan-814299 said:

Hi everyone, there is a topic in the 45 and up forum about preparing for your funeral so that your family doesn't need to make so many decisions. My question is specific to widows and widowers. When my husband was buried I also purchased a grave-site for myself. My late husband and I even share a common head stone with my name engraved just waiting for that dash to be filled in. My question is in regards to a possible future spouse and if this would bother them terribly? My thinking at the time was to have one burial site that my daughter could visit her mother and father together. I mean all these things are for the living aren't they? So it is really a grave-site for my daughter no?

--hide--


Can't help here at all. My husband chose to be cremated and that's what I want to do too, so no markers or together graves for us. However, I definitely think that your future husband might be upset, of feel "left out' if you want to be buried with your former husband.

10/31/2012 new

Susan,

When my husband died, I had a double stone with both our names engraved. If I am still single when I die, I will be there. But IF I ever marry and my future husband is widowed, I assume we will both be with our former spouses because of age/years married.

But if not, or depending on any other situation for any reason I am not buried with my first husband, I am having my children have the date of death engraved on the first grave stone even if I am not buried there. That way they can remember us both at the same time. Also future generations searching for family can have all the information should they visit the grave.

Gets complicated but I agree that the grave is a place to remember and give respect. And of course, should it be so, to shed a tear.

11/01/2012 new
Hi Linda. This is the second time I find myself replying to your posts . But am new to this site. So I have no clue if you saw or not. No clue where I'd find reply lol. But regarding your sandwich style question. I'd never heard of that. However I will say this. I think it depends on few things. If your children are young and time finds them knowing another man as "dad like" it may be fine I'd discuss with them as they grow. In my case my kids are all grown or near and no one else has been "dad like " so it would not go well. So I plan to be buried with him. Wether someone else grows old w me or not. The one man I did date for a long time was aware of this. And fine with it. I will say my sister married a man when her kids were nearly grown now fully grown , Married. As is my sister and they refer to her and her new husband as "my parents". I can think of another family this way too. So I think it really depends on the family and how close everyone is and your children's feelings. Just my thoughts. But if children can accept a new man as dad like years later its good for them. Does not lesson the love of their dad. Hope that helps.
11/01/2012 new

Susan, I also have a double plot and double stone. I like your idea..I think I will think about that also.

11/06/2012 new

(Quote) Susan-814299 said: Hi everyone, there is a topic in the 45 and up forum about preparing for your funeral so that you...
(Quote) Susan-814299 said:

Hi everyone, there is a topic in the 45 and up forum about preparing for your funeral so that your family doesn't need to make so many decisions. My question is specific to widows and widowers. When my husband was buried I also purchased a grave-site for myself. My late husband and I even share a common head stone with my name engraved just waiting for that dash to be filled in. My question is in regards to a possible future spouse and if this would bother them terribly? My thinking at the time was to have one burial site that my daughter could visit her mother and father together. I mean all these things are for the living aren't they? So it is really a grave-site for my daughter no?

--hide--



It is interesting how I stumbled across this thread this morning, Saint Joseph definately listens well! I have been mulling over this exact thing for the last few days. I too have a "double-deep" grave-plot and a gravestone placed over my husband with both our names and some relevant family information. I fully intended at the time of his death and still do now, to be laid to rest there with him. I realized being widowed at 30 (with three small children) and having the hereditary potential to live well into my 90's, leaves decades for many factors to cause a change of heart. I pray that any future spouse would love and respect me and my wishes. However, these wishes MAY change.....I'm not ignorant of that fact.
I guess my question to you all would be...at what point do you bring up this topic to a potential spouse so as not to surprise them with it at too late a point in the relationship's development, but also not to bring up something with such morbidity too early (too early on, many men might view this as an indicator that you are not done grieving)?

11/07/2012 new

When John died the kids wanted him to be buried next to his mother, and there was only 1 plot available so when I die I will be cremated and buried on top of him. My second husband wanted to be cremated and sprinkled over the Atlantic and I honored his wishes. Should there be a third husband I would hope he would understand my desire to be buried with my first husband.

11/25/2012 new

Sorry, I do not mean to intrude on the widows and widowers forum (I am annulled) but I am not sure where to go with this so I hope you do not mind helping me with some perspective. I have been learning a lot over the past few years that I have been on CM and appreciate learning from fellow CM members. I also try to learn a lot from other sources as well. I know this discussion was started months ago but I am just now struggling with the thoughts of the man I am dating being buried next to his first wife. The widower and I have what I would consider a serious relationship. He has been a widower for 6 years (his wife passed at age 42) and he has been raising his three sons who are now 21, 17, and 12. My kids are grown (25 and 20). The widower and I have not had any discussion at all as to where he would be buried when he passes on but I did see a photo of his first wife's gravestone today and his name and birth date are engraved next to her name with dates of birth and death. He is not aware that I noticed this photo. Honestly, my heart sank when I saw that photo. The widower and I have a great relationship going on. We share the same values of faith and family and I greatly admire him. We shared Thanksgiving together with his kids, his parents, my kids and son-in-law, and had an awesome day. I am just not sure how to handle this situation. We have invested a lot of time into this relationship and I don't want to see it end over this kind of matter, but I am struggling to get past it. What do I need to be thinking about at this point when right now I don't feel comfortable with the thought of him eventually being buried next to his first wife? As someone else already suggested, I wouldn't have a problem with his date of death being engraved next to his first wife's at the time of his eventual passing. I do however have a problem with him actually being buried next to her if we should eventually marry. I would greatly appreciate help with this. Thank you.

11/27/2012 new

I agree that there were times I wanted to curl up on my husband's grave site and forget about the rest of the world. There were also times when my daughter wanted her dad so badly that we went to his grave in the middle of the night just to cry. For a while it was the only place we felt close to him. After a while, we felt that he had moved on and wasn't really there any more, except that I still stop on occassion to vent. We share a headstone and, to make it easier for my children, I bought the plot next to his. Silently, I have wondered how that will feel to another husband. It made sense at the time because I couldn't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else. He was my first and will be my forever love, the keeper of my heart. I guess now, I hope if there is someone new, he will understand and we will work something out that is doable for both of us.

For someone who has lost their spouse to death, your own mortality becomes very real. Planning for that is natural, no matter how young you are when it happens.

11/27/2012 new

Kathy, thanks for your input. As in the case of the widower I am in a relationship with, his wife passed away rather suddenly and I know he mentioned that his in-laws helped make the arrangements, and of course they would be a bit older and probably were just used to having double headstones. I know it is also more economical and I can see that as a reason. I have been very careful to be very respectful of his wife's passing and take into account his children. I also have to think about my own children. If I end up marrying this man, how is it for them to see him buried next to his first wife rather than me, particularly when we may be married a longer length of time than his first marriage? I have read many different views and suggestions regarding this topic. I have read where the stone is replaced to say the first wife's name with beloved wife of "husbands name" underneath. I have also read where the date of death is filled in on the stone but the remains are buried elsewhere and the second wife is buried next to him. I also have read about the issue of the obligation to the first wife ending at death. I guess in this process I have come to the conclusion that if I were to advise someone about headstones, I would suggest that a person purchase a single stone because there are so many different scenarios regarding a person's future relationships and death. I guess part of my concern in all this is finding out how he feels about it. I guess I won't know if I don't ask and I suppose I am afraid of not being able to work it out to the satisfaction of both of us. I hate to see the potential for a wonderful life together not occur over a situation regarding a headstone. I do need to talk about it. I just am hoping to come up with solutions to suggest, so if anyone else has input, I would appreciate it.

Posts 11 - 20 of 29