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Devoted to discussion pertaining to those issues which are specifically relevant to people 45+. Topics must have a specific perspective of people in this age group for it to be on topic.

The story of Abraham and Sarah is told in chapters 11-25 of the book of Genesis.
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I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been married (i.e. someone who is not divorced or widowed)


For example, I have seen things like.......

1. such a person would not be able at an older age to adjust to living with another person, because (s)he has lived for him/herself for all these years (Yes, I actually read that here--yes.)


That is absolutely unbelievable, and anyone who is older and single, and who has read that, should be offended at being accused of a lifetime of self-absorption...........


Now, I should add that there can be a challenge in this regard for an older person to adjust to the give and take, being perhaps more set in their ways. So I fully acknowledge that.


I will just use myself as an example: I realize I am a pretty unusual 'apple' here on CM..............I have just spent over 22 years as a cloistered monk in an Eastern Catholic monastery. I have never been married, obviously, though I hope to be, once Rome permits it. Do you know the give and take required to live such a life? There is no vacation, no day off, no opportunity to just take off to blow off steam..If you have an interpersonal challenge, you DO NOT shun the other, but forgive instantly and carry on and pray for one another. There is no room for ignoring or shouting at another. The give and take, the little humiliations you receive from GOOD, HOLY people make the monastic life anything but a life of self absorption. As a cloistered monk, there is no opportunity to get out of the aquarium you share...with many different temperaments. There is virtually no such thing as free time--and what there is, is part of a very tight schedule, all of which is obligatory.


I was Director of Vocations, Director of the Retreat House, Assistant Superior, Assistant Novice Master, Novice Master, Finance Officer (and most enjoyably, chicken keeper!!) at various times over 22 years. You could say that I have been a father 20 times over. I know what it is like to mentor younger or older adults who give you 'pie in the face'. And do you reject them. NO, you love them and embrace them.........


I say this not to sound arrogant (I am arrogant already, so don't worry. I know!). But I just want to caution people from making generalizations about an older person who has never been married. ESPECIALLY in the assumption that they are now just too wrapped up in themselves to really love another person. Careful careful...............


As a final note on No. 1., I would like to mention that, in my vocational work, older vocations needed to be screened with a bit more caution. Why? Because there is a danger for such to be 'solemnly professed bachelors', unable to adapt to the rigorous give and take and forgiveness needed for monastic life. So I DO understand the concerns in this matter


Other things said are like this............


2. someone who is older and unmarried has not developed the skills necessary to have a serious relationship leading to marriage, whereas someone who is divorced or widowed, or who has experienced long term relationships really knows the ropes and what it takes. They are relationship pros, so to speak.

As with my experience with younger and older vocational prospects who have gone from pillar to post in their journey, I would actually be concerned about the ability to live the give and take of marriage in the case of one who has had serial failures in relationships. That is not a demonstration of skills in relationship; perhaps it is the opposite, in fact. In my vocational work, the serial monk was not considered very hopeful. 'Why has he not been able to settle into a committed form of religious life?' I have known many, and they did not work out....

I am not accusing such people--some of whom have been unjustly treated in relationships--of being bad people. And we should hope that 'relationship so-called pros' would also not make blanket assumptions about an older person who has never been married.

Remember the seven Capital Vices: Pride, Envy, Avarice, Anger, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth. ME and you are all of these as a result of original sin. Yes, even those who have been in serial relationships. We all need forgiveness and and all should be given a chance. You might be the loser.

You are all in my heartfelt prayers before our Eucharistic Lord

11/07/2012 new

Welcome John, what an interesting perspective!

I think a false generalization is that we aren't active. I love that commercial with the 20-something girl concerned about her parents not having a social life and she is bragging about how many "friends" she has on FB while she sits alone at her computer. But then it shows her parents unloading their bikes off the car and going offroad biking with a group of friends.

cat

11/07/2012 new

(Quote) John-904878 said: I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been marrie...
(Quote) John-904878 said:

I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been married (i.e. someone who is not divorced or widowed)


For example, I have seen things like.......

1. such a person would not be able at an older age to adjust to living with another person, because (s)he has lived for him/herself for all these years (Yes, I actually read that here--yes.)


That is absolutely unbelievable, and anyone who is older and single, and who has read that, should be offended at being accused of a lifetime of self-absorption...........


Now, I should add that there can be a challenge in this regard for an older person to adjust to the give and take, being perhaps more set in their ways. So I fully acknowledge that.


I will just use myself as an example: I realize I am a pretty unusual 'apple' here on CM..............I have just spent over 22 years as a cloistered monk in an Eastern Catholic monastery. I have never been married, obviously, though I hope to be, once Rome permits it. Do you know the give and take required to live such a life? There is no vacation, no day off, no opportunity to just take off to blow off steam..If you have an interpersonal challenge, you DO NOT shun the other, but forgive instantly and carry on and pray for one another. There is no room for ignoring or shouting at another. The give and take, the little humiliations you receive from GOOD, HOLY people make the monastic life anything but a life of self absorption. As a cloistered monk, there is no opportunity to get out of the aquarium you share...with many different temperaments. There is virtually no such thing as free time--and what there is, is part of a very tight schedule, all of which is obligatory.


I was Director of Vocations, Director of the Retreat House, Assistant Superior, Assistant Novice Master, Novice Master, Finance Officer (and most enjoyably, chicken keeper!!) at various times over 22 years. You could say that I have been a father 20 times over. I know what it is like to mentor younger or older adults who give you 'pie in the face'. And do you reject them. NO, you love them and embrace them.........


I say this not to sound arrogant (I am arrogant already, so don't worry. I know!). But I just want to caution people from making generalizations about an older person who has never been married. ESPECIALLY in the assumption that they are now just too wrapped up in themselves to really love another person. Careful careful...............


As a final note on No. 1., I would like to mention that, in my vocational work, older vocations needed to be screened with a bit more caution. Why? Because there is a danger for such to be 'solemnly professed bachelors', unable to adapt to the rigorous give and take and forgiveness needed for monastic life. So I DO understand the concerns in this matter


Other things said are like this............


2. someone who is older and unmarried has not developed the skills necessary to have a serious relationship leading to marriage, whereas someone who is divorced or widowed, or who has experienced long term relationships really knows the ropes and what it takes. They are relationship pros, so to speak.

As with my experience with younger and older vocational prospects who have gone from pillar to post in their journey, I would actually be concerned about the ability to live the give and take of marriage in the case of one who has had serial failures in relationships. That is not a demonstration of skills in relationship; perhaps it is the opposite, in fact. In my vocational work, the serial monk was not considered very hopeful. 'Why has he not been able to settle into a committed form of religious life?' I have known many, and they did not work out....

I am not accusing such people--some of whom have been unjustly treated in relationships--of being bad people. And we should hope that 'relationship so-called pros' would also not make blanket assumptions about an older person who has never been married.

Remember the seven Capital Vices: Pride, Envy, Avarice, Anger, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth. ME and you are all of these as a result of original sin. Yes, even those who have been in serial relationships. We all need forgiveness and and all should be given a chance. You might be the loser.

You are all in my heartfelt prayers before our Eucharistic Lord

--hide--

Curious, I was married for 36 years before she called it quits and I am waiting for the annulment decree. The Priest that married us left the priesthood and was relieved of his obligation a couple years after he married us. I know it's easier getting out of religious life than out of marriage - just wondering why? Just curious and if it's none of my business - I'm ok with that too. thanks. Stephen

11/08/2012 new

(Quote) John-904878 said: I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been marrie...
(Quote) John-904878 said:

I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been married (i.e. someone who is not divorced or widowed)


For example, I have seen things like.......

1. such a person would not be able at an older age to adjust to living with another person, because (s)he has lived for him/herself for all these years (Yes, I actually read that here--yes.)


That is absolutely unbelievable, and anyone who is older and single, and who has read that, should be offended at being accused of a lifetime of self-absorption...........


Now, I should add that there can be a challenge in this regard for an older person to adjust to the give and take, being perhaps more set in their ways. So I fully acknowledge that.


I will just use myself as an example: I realize I am a pretty unusual 'apple' here on CM..............I have just spent over 22 years as a cloistered monk in an Eastern Catholic monastery. I have never been married, obviously, though I hope to be, once Rome permits it. Do you know the give and take required to live such a life? There is no vacation, no day off, no opportunity to just take off to blow off steam..If you have an interpersonal challenge, you DO NOT shun the other, but forgive instantly and carry on and pray for one another. There is no room for ignoring or shouting at another. The give and take, the little humiliations you receive from GOOD, HOLY people make the monastic life anything but a life of self absorption. As a cloistered monk, there is no opportunity to get out of the aquarium you share...with many different temperaments. There is virtually no such thing as free time--and what there is, is part of a very tight schedule, all of which is obligatory.


I was Director of Vocations, Director of the Retreat House, Assistant Superior, Assistant Novice Master, Novice Master, Finance Officer (and most enjoyably, chicken keeper!!) at various times over 22 years. You could say that I have been a father 20 times over. I know what it is like to mentor younger or older adults who give you 'pie in the face'. And do you reject them. NO, you love them and embrace them.........


I say this not to sound arrogant (I am arrogant already, so don't worry. I know!). But I just want to caution people from making generalizations about an older person who has never been married. ESPECIALLY in the assumption that they are now just too wrapped up in themselves to really love another person. Careful careful...............


As a final note on No. 1., I would like to mention that, in my vocational work, older vocations needed to be screened with a bit more caution. Why? Because there is a danger for such to be 'solemnly professed bachelors', unable to adapt to the rigorous give and take and forgiveness needed for monastic life. So I DO understand the concerns in this matter


Other things said are like this............


2. someone who is older and unmarried has not developed the skills necessary to have a serious relationship leading to marriage, whereas someone who is divorced or widowed, or who has experienced long term relationships really knows the ropes and what it takes. They are relationship pros, so to speak.

As with my experience with younger and older vocational prospects who have gone from pillar to post in their journey, I would actually be concerned about the ability to live the give and take of marriage in the case of one who has had serial failures in relationships. That is not a demonstration of skills in relationship; perhaps it is the opposite, in fact. In my vocational work, the serial monk was not considered very hopeful. 'Why has he not been able to settle into a committed form of religious life?' I have known many, and they did not work out....

I am not accusing such people--some of whom have been unjustly treated in relationships--of being bad people. And we should hope that 'relationship so-called pros' would also not make blanket assumptions about an older person who has never been married.

Remember the seven Capital Vices: Pride, Envy, Avarice, Anger, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth. ME and you are all of these as a result of original sin. Yes, even those who have been in serial relationships. We all need forgiveness and and all should be given a chance. You might be the loser.

You are all in my heartfelt prayers before our Eucharistic Lord

--hide--


You may be more prepared for the married life than most biggrin

11/08/2012 new

(Quote) John-904878 said: I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been marrie...
(Quote) John-904878 said:

I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been married (i.e. someone who is not divorced or widowed)


For example, I have seen things like.......

1. such a person would not be able at an older age to adjust to living with another person, because (s)he has lived for him/herself for all these years (Yes, I actually read that here--yes.)


That is absolutely unbelievable, and anyone who is older and single, and who has read that, should be offended at being accused of a lifetime of self-absorption...........


Now, I should add that there can be a challenge in this regard for an older person to adjust to the give and take, being perhaps more set in their ways. So I fully acknowledge that.


I will just use myself as an example: I realize I am a pretty unusual 'apple' here on CM..............I have just spent over 22 years as a cloistered monk in an Eastern Catholic monastery. I have never been married, obviously, though I hope to be, once Rome permits it. Do you know the give and take required to live such a life? There is no vacation, no day off, no opportunity to just take off to blow off steam..If you have an interpersonal challenge, you DO NOT shun the other, but forgive instantly and carry on and pray for one another. There is no room for ignoring or shouting at another. The give and take, the little humiliations you receive from GOOD, HOLY people make the monastic life anything but a life of self absorption. As a cloistered monk, there is no opportunity to get out of the aquarium you share...with many different temperaments. There is virtually no such thing as free time--and what there is, is part of a very tight schedule, all of which is obligatory.


I was Director of Vocations, Director of the Retreat House, Assistant Superior, Assistant Novice Master, Novice Master, Finance Officer (and most enjoyably, chicken keeper!!) at various times over 22 years. You could say that I have been a father 20 times over. I know what it is like to mentor younger or older adults who give you 'pie in the face'. And do you reject them. NO, you love them and embrace them.........


I say this not to sound arrogant (I am arrogant already, so don't worry. I know!). But I just want to caution people from making generalizations about an older person who has never been married. ESPECIALLY in the assumption that they are now just too wrapped up in themselves to really love another person. Careful careful...............


As a final note on No. 1., I would like to mention that, in my vocational work, older vocations needed to be screened with a bit more caution. Why? Because there is a danger for such to be 'solemnly professed bachelors', unable to adapt to the rigorous give and take and forgiveness needed for monastic life. So I DO understand the concerns in this matter


Other things said are like this............


2. someone who is older and unmarried has not developed the skills necessary to have a serious relationship leading to marriage, whereas someone who is divorced or widowed, or who has experienced long term relationships really knows the ropes and what it takes. They are relationship pros, so to speak.

As with my experience with younger and older vocational prospects who have gone from pillar to post in their journey, I would actually be concerned about the ability to live the give and take of marriage in the case of one who has had serial failures in relationships. That is not a demonstration of skills in relationship; perhaps it is the opposite, in fact. In my vocational work, the serial monk was not considered very hopeful. 'Why has he not been able to settle into a committed form of religious life?' I have known many, and they did not work out....

I am not accusing such people--some of whom have been unjustly treated in relationships--of being bad people. And we should hope that 'relationship so-called pros' would also not make blanket assumptions about an older person who has never been married.

Remember the seven Capital Vices: Pride, Envy, Avarice, Anger, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth. ME and you are all of these as a result of original sin. Yes, even those who have been in serial relationships. We all need forgiveness and and all should be given a chance. You might be the loser.

You are all in my heartfelt prayers before our Eucharistic Lord

--hide--
No doubt you have read some generalizations about certain marital states (never married, divorced, widowed, and so on). Some of the thinking isn't intentionally negative -- sometimes it appears to be a logical conclusion. Someone in their 50's never married? "What's wrong with him?" "How can he adapt to living intimately with someone after all these years..."

Most people don't seem to be biased, and I don't think you'll find the stereotypical remarks you mentioned above typical here. For some-- yes, but not for reasons of intentional bias, rather out of a false assumption.

"As a final note on No. 1., I would like to mention that, in my vocational work, older vocations needed to be screened with a bit more caution. Why? Because there is a danger for such to be 'solemnly professed bachelors', unable to adapt to the rigorous give and take and forgiveness needed for monastic life. So I DO understand the concerns in this matter" is your own quote. On the surface, couldn't some people interpret this as bias? If an older person is called to a religious vocation, there are other ways to fulfill this other than monastic life. Some have become diocesan priests and have flourished in their priesthood. They can bring personal experience as a layperson into the equation.

I'm sure you'll find most of the people here friendly and open, and willing to consider relationships with people who have never been married and are past their 30's.

Hope that's reassuring to you in your own search.

11/08/2012 new

Such an insightful post! I know that myself and many others will re-think the bias we have against those who are older and never been married. You truly do understand the art of giving. Good luck in your search!

11/08/2012 new

A one word marital history definition can also be misleading. I have never been married but was in a 14 year relationship "til death we did part." I certainly knew the work that went into maintaining that relationship which included some of the issues that resulted in our not marrying.

11/08/2012 new

Welcome to CM, John.

I think you make a very good point.

I don't think other "never marrieds" on here or in real life would make that kind of judgment, because they are in the same boat, and I trust do not think of themselves as selfish or not capable of an intimate relationship. And there are many of us on here, those over 40 50 and beyond who have never been married.

I think that there are alot of "prejudices" that run through the minds of people of good will, it's just how we are socialized.

I am sure you will find, once Rome has acted on your request, that there will be many opportunities for relationships for you, from those never married and those previously married.

God bless you in your vocation! Praying

11/08/2012 new

I have been on here 8 years.. There are a LOT of never married men in my selected search range. I am still here because the short amd simple answer is I rarely get contacted (with any real sense of interest) by any demographic.. If those men who are never married really want to be married it seems to me they would be beating the bushes with interest.. Yet I see the same faces year after year.. In one of my favorite movies, Hitch, there is a scene at a speed dating event where a woman stands up and yells out.. "I haven't got laid in a year"..Well, I haven't had a date in two years..No one asks. weeping

11/09/2012 new

In my opinion everybody is biased in some way or fashion. I would worry about it until the church has given you permission to marry.

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