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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

11/02/2012 new

(Quote) Alice-788574 said: Celia, Psychological abuse is real abuse, and its scars go deeper than physical abuse. My ...
(Quote) Alice-788574 said:

Celia,

Psychological abuse is real abuse, and its scars go deeper than physical abuse. My bruises healed. But the feelings that accompanied them took a lot longer to fade. He may be feeling out of control right now and, for a control freak, that can trigger an escalation (hence the increase in unwanted communication). Yes, you are doing the right thing. Just beeeee careful, guard your personal info, don't let him manipulate you, and get that OFP filed if you are afraid of him! Prayers...

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Alice - You are very right about the psychological abuse. I did look at the Catholic website, and it DOES list that and verbal abuse as forms of abusing another person, so I feel even more comfortable - no, justified - for what I'm doing as far as throwing every legal tool at him to put a stop to this.
My counselor that I started seeing for my own healing said the same thing - that this type of psychological abuse is much harder to get over.

And, I agree that he is feeling out of control and thus the many texts and email and phone call today. I honestly believe that it will get worse next week when he is sevred with the perps for the restraining order and the additional motion being put in about our daughter limiting all contact with me so he can't use the contact about her to scare/terrorize me.

He has this way of making me feel crazy, like I'm imaginging all this. But, the more time that I am away from him, the more I know I'm not imagining anything, and , I also now understand why my family has been expressing their worry and concern for years. I have called and filed so many police reports, but, if they don't see an actual mark on you, there is nothing they can do. That's why I have chosen to have a private attorney handle this - the police actualky told me that might be the only way to stop it.


It just helps a lot to know someone else has been through this type of thing and I am not the "only one". You sound like you are one "tough cookie" and dealt with it well. I really think that it takes a lot of courage and really admire you for that!

11/02/2012 new

The best advice I had was to go ahead and get an attorney on retainer. Unfortunately, the way the decrees are written, if a child is involved, you'll have to go in every few years to have changes made. This is especially true if there was acrimony. For instance, my divorce decree was written before my son was enrolled in school, yet the attorneys put "after school" in the decree. So, that has to be reexamined now that he is in school - but on a rural route school bus that doesn't have a precise schedule. Financially, it's much easier for me to keep $1000 there with the lawyer and refill as needed than scramble every time something comes up.

Also, it's been much easier for me since I did decide to allow my attorney to handle these things. I've been able to stay calmer when something does come up, and gotten good advice about which things need to be addressed versus which things are just pettiness. I know your child's health and well-being are first and foremost in your mind; I'll be praying for your family.

11/02/2012 new

(Quote) Celia-821539 said: He has this way of making me feel crazy, like I'm imaginging all this. But, the more time tha...
(Quote) Celia-821539 said:

He has this way of making me feel crazy, like I'm imaginging all this. But, the more time that I am away from him, the more I know I'm not imagining anything...

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This is typical. Moving keys, cell phone, my purse around so they weren't where I left them, taking money/credit cards from my wallet, putting spyware on my laptop, telling the priest I'm mentally ill, calling my employer, canceling/rescheduling kids' appointments without telling me... then telling me I must be imagining it, or taking a joke too seriously. It is crazy-making behavior. It's called "gas-lighting" - rent the Hitchcock movie sometime...

www.youtube.com




11/03/2012 new

(Quote) Alice-788574 said: This is typical. Moving keys, cell phone, my purse around so they weren't where I le...
(Quote) Alice-788574 said:

This is typical. Moving keys, cell phone, my purse around so they weren't where I left them, taking money/credit cards from my wallet, putting spyware on my laptop, telling the priest I'm mentally ill, calling my employer, canceling/rescheduling kids' appointments without telling me... then telling me I must be imagining it, or taking a joke too seriously. It is crazy-making behavior. It's called "gas-lighting" - rent the Hitchcock movie sometime...

www.youtube.com


Alice, that sounds horrible! But, it does sound very similar to what I have been going through. Gas-lighting - so there is a term for it, huh. Every time I have tried to stand up and stop this, he makes me feel like I am "blowing things out of proportion", like I am a nut. He told the judge I took money from our daughter's callege fund, said I was hooked on illegal drugs, and made himself out to be daddy of the year. Then when no one is looking, he never even sees our daughter and cancels visits in favor of doing his own thing. He does these things, like throwing her a huge birthday party, where people can SEE him being this great dad, but then cancels visits, asks me to get up at 7 to get her ready for a hike, then does not show up until 10, so I'm sitting there with her for hours. He never ever shows up on time to pick her up when he has visits - it's either an hour late or over 30 minutes early, so I don't know when he will be at the front door.

One of the things that the current litigation WILL do is establish for good a public meeting spot for him to pick her up. If he's not there on time, forget it - I'll be leaving. I've been trying to be nice - trying to offer him other time with her and being really cooperative when he asks to see her during times that aren't his, but then he does that stuff of coming hours late, etc. He has a ton of "friends", all of whom I am sure will testify to how is is this wonderful guy being accused of things there's no way he would do.


I think at this point watching that movie might scare the daylights out of me, but I will look up that term. And, keeping the attorney on retainer might actually be LESS expensive than years of therapy. :) I have even thought of hiring a security firm at this point to take over any communication with him....:(




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11/09/2012 new

(Quote) Celia-821539 said: Wow! I am so glad to see I am not alone in dealing with this type of problem! And, yes, Tim, men ...
(Quote) Celia-821539 said:

Wow! I am so glad to see I am not alone in dealing with this type of problem! And, yes, Tim, men deal with it too. I guess it was a little bit sexist to say "women".


I thought I would update my post..I prayed and prayed about it, and decided it is time to stand and fight or he will continue to just do as he pleases, not following the court order or parenting plan. I had a conference with my attorney today and we are suing for civil and criminal contempt of court to get the orders enforced. If he won't listen to me, or my attorney or his that he needs to follow what the judge said to do, maybe he will listen with a second trip to court. I sure don't like doing this, though!

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Don't worry, Celia. This too will pass, and life will seem, oh so much better!

11/10/2012 new

(Quote) Kelly-143993 said: Don't worry, Celia. This too will pass, and life will seem, oh so much ...
(Quote) Kelly-143993 said:


Don't worry, Celia. This too will pass, and life will seem, oh so much better!

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Well, all suits were filed this week and last to rectify some of the damage done..the most important being getting the restraining order OR order of no contact...Tonight I had a little scare. He goes from faux nice and sweet to psycho scary, sometimes within the same hour. I THOUGHT he was not supposed to come near me after the paperwork was filed, but he must not have gotten the memo because I went to pick up my daughter from a dinner he had taken her to. Thought I'd taken all precautions, and had my brother on the phone with me. No sooner than I'd hung up telling my brother I was out with my daughter and we were fine than I heard his voice behind me. He had come out "to bring her her drink that she left"...and there I was, once more, alone in a parking lot with him. I had my mace in my right hand, and in the pther my phone, so I hit my brother's number on speed dial and held the phone behind my back, so that if anything happened or threats on my life or any of his other infamous threats were made, there would be a witness. The restaurant where this dinner was was downtown - notorious for crime. And, I can honestly say I was far more afraid of being alone with him than walking in that parking lot at night alone. Pretty much says it all. Heck at least have a chance of being O.K. with some stranger. With him, I pretty well know how things go. I'll take the stranger ANY day.


The guy is a professional, well liked and respected in his field. No one sees what he is capable of, because it is only when he "loves" (if that's love) you that you are in danger.

NO ONE should have to go through this. Judges should be much harsher. If the judge had believed me last October when the first restraining order was filed, I would not have spent the past year being stalked, threatened, etc. Sorry - just venting. No one here really knows. Only my family and close friends.

If this doesn't end soon, ya'll may be coming to get me out of the loony bin. Hopefully we'll have a court date by next week. For roght now, after tonight, all I can say is that I know God is protecting me. And I guess that is always more than enough.


11/10/2012 new
Be safe, Celia. I'm praying.
11/10/2012 new

(Quote) Celia-821539 said: My divorce and annullment are both final. So, one would THINK that I could, oh, say, ...
(Quote) Celia-821539 said:




My divorce and annullment are both final. So, one would THINK that I could, oh, say, maybe not keep my attorney on retainer for the rest of my life!!!!! But, the way my ex is behaving, refusing to comply with court orders, the MDA, refusing to pay medical bills for his daughter just because he does not "like" the way the bill is laid out on paper, every time I turn around, there is something....He did not want to give me our child's insurance card - he has had since April to give it to me, and he just gave it to me October 21. Because he refused to do it, or just decided he did not have to, now there's a huge bill...I had to pay it otherwise she does not get her medicine for a serious medical condition....He did the same thing to me, not paying the COBRA bill as agreed to our MDA, my insurance was cancelled, and now there are over 100K in medical bills....



I do not want to do this, but I have a meeting with my attorney tomorrow. We have threatened and threatened, and now it's time to just put the peddle to the metal and set a court date. I sure do hate to take him back to court, but I am left with no choice but to bring this before a judge.

I am trying so hard not to be upset. It takes a lot to make me angry. But by not giving the insurance card, then refusing to pay this bill, he has put our daughter's health in jeopardy. I texted him to let him know, and his response was "forgive me if I don't lose any sleep over this". OH MY WORD!!!!! Seriously? That is our child's health.


More than anything, I hate to feel like I am being a horse's patooty, but I just don't see any other way. Talking is not working. Has anyone else had to take an ex back to court over non-compliance more than once????? And did i put enough emoticons in here? (Sorry, I like those things. ARGH!!!!!!

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Sometimes when the law doesn't go far enough no matter what you do, there are other options. Back in the 1980's my sister was pregnant with her son, and in a very abusive marriage. She was bedridden much of her pregnancy and her husband would bring women into their apartment. She was afraid of the consequenses if she went to the police. My mom secured her an apartment closer to her job. My two brothers and I then moved her and her things while her husband was at work. We waited until he came home and paid him a friendly visit convincing him to move on with his life and not to try to find my sister. No violence, just letting him know my sister had backup. Celia, I know your situation is quite different, and I have no idea if you even have brothers, but they can sometimes come in handy.

11/10/2012 new
If not natural ones, she has many CM brothers and sisters. Quickest way for me to end up on jail I suspect is let me see a "man" attacking a woman or a child. He is no man, hes a rabid animal and they need to be put down. Sorry but this i gues is my major button that can be pushed!'
11/10/2012 new
I've come to believe there are two sorts of men - protectors, and predators. God bless the men who live to love and protect women and children. For the other kind, they have their reward.
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