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This room is for general discussion that doesn't specifically fit into one of the other CatholicMatch rooms. Topics should not be overly serious as this is to be more of a "cafe setting."

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After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate sleeping accomodations. His brief stay was absolutely complete in every way. We had so much in common and had a fabulous time. He is kind, considerate, and loving. He met my family, we went to Mass together, participated in sight seeing and hiking, and walked together everyday. We made sure that time was made for serious conversation every night. We both understood that much time would be taken with this relationship and we would see others. Yes, he was everything I had ever hoped for. The connection was instant. He is divorced and is in the process of annulment, with all paperwork submitted. This is where the "but" is inserted into this "ideal" romance. His ex-wife has had considerable mental problems for years but is slowly getting better. He spoke of recently staying with her for a few days when he needed lodging. He spoke of them recently traveling together to a wedding and a speaking event that was presented by their son. He spoke of them eating out periodically. He also has planned an extensive vacation for them both this month. His reasoning for these activities with his ex is that he wants to leave the state in the spring and ease his way out of her life, as he has cared for her for many years. After praying about this and laying my concerns at the church altar, I told him I did not want to communicate with him any longer because I believe the connection with his ex-wife is and will come between us. My heart is broken. Should I have given this relationship more time before making such a final decision?

Nov 5th 2012 new

(Quote) Jayne-891486 said: After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate s...
(Quote) Jayne-891486 said:

After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate sleeping accomodations. His brief stay was absolutely complete in every way. We had so much in common and had a fabulous time. He is kind, considerate, and loving. He met my family, we went to Mass together, participated in sight seeing and hiking, and walked together everyday. We made sure that time was made for serious conversation every night. We both understood that much time would be taken with this relationship and we would see others. Yes, he was everything I had ever hoped for. The connection was instant. He is divorced and is in the process of annulment, with all paperwork submitted. This is where the "but" is inserted into this "ideal" romance. His ex-wife has had considerable mental problems for years but is slowly getting better. He spoke of recently staying with her for a few days when he needed lodging. He spoke of them recently traveling together to a wedding and a speaking event that was presented by their son. He spoke of them eating out periodically. He also has planned an extensive vacation for them both this month. His reasoning for these activities with his ex is that he wants to leave the state in the spring and ease his way out of her life, as he has cared for her for many years. After praying about this and laying my concerns at the church altar, I told him I did not want to communicate with him any longer because I believe the connection with his ex-wife is and will come between us. My heart is broken. Should I have given this relationship more time before making such a final decision?

--hide--


NO, you did absolutely the right thing. He is still connected to his ex-wife, and in fact, it sounds like he is reconnecting with her. Who is to say that they won't get back together? This could be emotionally devastating to you if you had developed a relationship. The Holy Spirit gave you the right advice (of course) and you did what is necessary to do. So, move on now, put him out of your mind, do fun things with other people, and make room in your heart for someone new to enter! Blessings!

Nov 5th 2012 new

I think you've made a wise though painful decision. There seems to be still quite a connection between this man and his ex. If a friendship/acquaintanceship/relationship is to flourish, then his focus should be on you. You have recognized the 'but' and prayed about the situation. You've done the best you can do.
Offer him your prayers. Be good to yourself ....you're worth it!

Nov 5th 2012 new

(Quote) Jayne-891486 said: After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate s...
(Quote) Jayne-891486 said:

After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate sleeping accomodations. His brief stay was absolutely complete in every way. We had so much in common and had a fabulous time. He is kind, considerate, and loving. He met my family, we went to Mass together, participated in sight seeing and hiking, and walked together everyday. We made sure that time was made for serious conversation every night. We both understood that much time would be taken with this relationship and we would see others. Yes, he was everything I had ever hoped for. The connection was instant. He is divorced and is in the process of annulment, with all paperwork submitted. This is where the "but" is inserted into this "ideal" romance. His ex-wife has had considerable mental problems for years but is slowly getting better. He spoke of recently staying with her for a few days when he needed lodging. He spoke of them recently traveling together to a wedding and a speaking event that was presented by their son. He spoke of them eating out periodically. He also has planned an extensive vacation for them both this month. His reasoning for these activities with his ex is that he wants to leave the state in the spring and ease his way out of her life, as he has cared for her for many years. After praying about this and laying my concerns at the church altar, I told him I did not want to communicate with him any longer because I believe the connection with his ex-wife is and will come between us. My heart is broken. Should I have given this relationship more time before making such a final decision?

--hide--
Jayne -- first of all, this topic should be moved to an appropriate "room". Perhaps the moderators will do this on their own.

Now, for your situation. There is risk when a person dates someone who is divorced, but hasn't been granted an annulment. The obvious problem is that an annulment isn't always granted. It depends upon the circumstances that were present at the time of the marriage, not what changed afterward.

I have to agree with the comments made by the others. He still has too many connections with his wife, and obviously should be considered as still married. Given the level of his concern and continued companionship, he will probably have a difficult time leaving this relationship. Even if he moves, he might still remain connected -- perhaps out of love, obligation, attachment or persuasion. This would definitely hamper his ability to enter into a new relationship, annulment or not.

Although you have developed feelings for him, your relationship with him hasn't reached a point of commitment. As difficult as it is, breaking this off with him is easier now than it would be if you continued to see each other. Benefit of the doubt -- he is trying to leave his wife under the best circumstances possible. On the side of caution, it might be he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. His own mind might not be clear about this.

Whatever he is thinking, it doesn't seem like a sound foundation for a meaningful relationship for you. I would rather point out an upbeat possibility, but sometimes, it just isn't there. This appears to be one of those times.

Nov 5th 2012 new

There is a lot of wise advice here. You need to be at peace with your decision.

Nov 10th 2012 new

(Quote) Joe-867355 said: There is a lot of wise advice here. You need to be at peace with your decision.
(Quote) Joe-867355 said:

There is a lot of wise advice here. You need to be at peace with your decision.

--hide--



I agree, you made the right decision.

Nov 11th 2012 new

(Quote) Jayne-891486 said: After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate s...
(Quote) Jayne-891486 said:

After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate sleeping accomodations. His brief stay was absolutely complete in every way. We had so much in common and had a fabulous time. He is kind, considerate, and loving. He met my family, we went to Mass together, participated in sight seeing and hiking, and walked together everyday. We made sure that time was made for serious conversation every night. We both understood that much time would be taken with this relationship and we would see others. Yes, he was everything I had ever hoped for. The connection was instant. He is divorced and is in the process of annulment, with all paperwork submitted. This is where the "but" is inserted into this "ideal" romance. His ex-wife has had considerable mental problems for years but is slowly getting better. He spoke of recently staying with her for a few days when he needed lodging. He spoke of them recently traveling together to a wedding and a speaking event that was presented by their son. He spoke of them eating out periodically. He also has planned an extensive vacation for them both this month. His reasoning for these activities with his ex is that he wants to leave the state in the spring and ease his way out of her life, as he has cared for her for many years. After praying about this and laying my concerns at the church altar, I told him I did not want to communicate with him any longer because I believe the connection with his ex-wife is and will come between us. My heart is broken. Should I have given this relationship more time before making such a final decision?

--hide--


Sounded like a great match, Jayne ... too bad he's still involved with his ex-wife ... until that relationship is put behind him, I'd say you did the right thing!

For now and the near future, get up and out, meet some new people, and see where life takes you. hug heart

Here's hoping you find a gent just as compatible and who is emotionally available to you! heart heartbeat

Nov 11th 2012 new

(Quote) Jayne-891486 said: After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate s...
(Quote) Jayne-891486 said:

After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate sleeping accomodations. His brief stay was absolutely complete in every way. We had so much in common and had a fabulous time. He is kind, considerate, and loving. He met my family, we went to Mass together, participated in sight seeing and hiking, and walked together everyday. We made sure that time was made for serious conversation every night. We both understood that much time would be taken with this relationship and we would see others. Yes, he was everything I had ever hoped for. The connection was instant. He is divorced and is in the process of annulment, with all paperwork submitted. This is where the "but" is inserted into this "ideal" romance. His ex-wife has had considerable mental problems for years but is slowly getting better. He spoke of recently staying with her for a few days when he needed lodging. He spoke of them recently traveling together to a wedding and a speaking event that was presented by their son. He spoke of them eating out periodically. He also has planned an extensive vacation for them both this month. His reasoning for these activities with his ex is that he wants to leave the state in the spring and ease his way out of her life, as he has cared for her for many years. After praying about this and laying my concerns at the church altar, I told him I did not want to communicate with him any longer because I believe the connection with his ex-wife is and will come between us. My heart is broken. Should I have given this relationship more time before making such a final decision?

--hide--


Jayne you did the correct thing because from how I read this, he will be "connected" to his ex wife for the rest of his life. First because of their child or children and secondly because if she has mental issues, depending what it is, she could need and want his help through the years. The extensive vacation scratchchin would make me wonder. He has an attachment to her and she will be in your life for the rest of your life as well. My only other concern when it comes to his annulment, even though all the paper work is in, nothing is signed sealed and delivered until he has his annulment.

It may hurt now but if this is something that you know that will affect your relationship, it is better now than later. Maybe I am incorrect and many divorced people may share their stories that I am but I don't see someone divorced going on an extensive vacation for a month. If it is over, it's over. They are your ex not your best friend. Friends yes, but best friends, then they should still be married.

I

Nov 11th 2012 new
(Quote) Jayne-891486 said: After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate sleeping accomo...
(Quote) Jayne-891486 said:

After meeting at a CM event, we met in my home town for a week long visit with both in separate sleeping accomodations. His brief stay was absolutely complete in every way. We had so much in common and had a fabulous time. He is kind, considerate, and loving. He met my family, we went to Mass together, participated in sight seeing and hiking, and walked together everyday. We made sure that time was made for serious conversation every night. We both understood that much time would be taken with this relationship and we would see others. Yes, he was everything I had ever hoped for. The connection was instant. He is divorced and is in the process of annulment, with all paperwork submitted. This is where the "but" is inserted into this "ideal" romance. His ex-wife has had considerable mental problems for years but is slowly getting better. He spoke of recently staying with her for a few days when he needed lodging. He spoke of them recently traveling together to a wedding and a speaking event that was presented by their son. He spoke of them eating out periodically. He also has planned an extensive vacation for them both this month. His reasoning for these activities with his ex is that he wants to leave the state in the spring and ease his way out of her life, as he has cared for her for many years. After praying about this and laying my concerns at the church altar, I told him I did not want to communicate with him any longer because I believe the connection with his ex-wife is and will come between us. My heart is broken. Should I have given this relationship more time before making such a final decision?

--hide--


It seems that she is emotionally dependent on him. I know the thought of her makes you feel pain, but she needs him and needs prayer. I can't help but feel sorry for her.
Nov 11th 2012 new

There is no doubt. She's got him, and this late in life he maybe senses it's easier to fix (or live with) a shaky bridge than build a new one.

The 'perfect guy' has its price. He can't disappoint or leave anyone, her or you. Which is impossible. So he hedges his bets, and waits on external circumstances while you wait on him. Her care and their kids, and him a stand up guy, mean she will always be significantly in the background.

I can't presume to advise, but my guess is you now at least see what the status quo will be until you will likley be the one to make a decision. Kind wishes

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