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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Nov 15th 2012 new

(Quote) Eric-114571 said: (Quote) Marian-83994 said:Should a woman have her own interests or should ...
(Quote) Eric-114571 said:

Quote:
Marian-83994 said:

Should a woman have her own interests or should she only be interested in food and cooking?[/QUOTE]

I think this is like asking "Should a man only be interested in being a good husband and father or should he also have some personal hobbies?" The answer is obvious: do both not one or the other.

[QUOTE]A fine fellow here mentioned that when he heard the word independence from a woman, it had a meaning that struck a chord with him due to his experiences.



In my experience the term "independent woman" can mean a wide range of things from "I am not so needy that you can't have interests of your own -- I'm not co-dependent" (good) to the other extreme of "I do things my way and you are just a (very secondary) addition to my life -- if you agree with me then fine, if not hit the road" (bad). I will say that of all the women I've met who called themselves that, there were more of the second than the first so I, too, am cautious.

It might be helpful for ladies who do put that in their profile to share why. Men, for instance, don't put that in their profiles.

--hide--


If you have met the second type, they have ruined it for us who have interest of our own, but request that a husband becaome a full part of our lives.

Nov 15th 2012 new
Can I take the fifth on this? 
Nov 15th 2012 new

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: Marian, I think that a man's interest in whether a woman is interested in things like cooking and...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

Marian, I think that a man's interest in whether a woman is interested in things like cooking and homemaking is sort of a short hand litmus test way of saying, are you one of "those" women who only knows how to make reservations, because in our culture, so many women are...they have no skill and no interest in any of the "home arts" and for some men, this is just not acceptable, and they are trying to find that out. Maybe inartfully, but trying.

I think it is kind of the same as us wanting to know if a man has a job--providing is part of his role as husband, so you want to know if he is in a position to be that.

Part of woman's role is to care for family, so he wants to know if one cooks (or wants to cook).

Maybe it's premature, maybe it seems like trying to "confine" a woman to a role, but I do think that the skill set is something that most men should be interested in, at some point.

If I were a man, I would want to marry a woman who knows how to cook, or at least likes cooking. Also one who likes kids, is good with kids, keeps a decent looking house, knows how to juggle, etc etc etc.

Just like we would want to marry a man who has a job, can hold a job, has a few bucks saved away, knows how to stay on budget, can fix a car, etc etc etc.

And, of course, women should have their own interests, and a man should want her to.

--hide--


That was very well said, Patricia.

Nov 15th 2012 new
(Quote) Eric-114571 said: In my experience the term "independent woman" can mean a wide range of things from "I am ...
(Quote) Eric-114571 said:



In my experience the term "independent woman" can mean a wide range of things from "I am not so needy that you can't have interests of your own -- I'm not co-dependent" (good) to the other extreme of "I do things my way and you are just a (very secondary) addition to my life -- if you agree with me then fine, if not hit the road" (bad). I will say that of all the women I've met who called themselves that, there were more of the second than the first so I, too, am cautious.

It might be helpful for ladies who do put that in their profile to share why. Men, for instance, don't put that in their profiles.

--hide--


There needs to be a balance for anyone to make relationships work. I enjoy activities with my friends...would I change to allow room for the right man? Of course! Is it going to take time to decide? I should hope so...and during that time It can come across as just a bit selfish. Because I know I will always have preferences and sometimes compromise is needed for a relationship to work.

Over the weekend I was sharing with someone details about how my house is decorated and I realized that what drew me to my home might not seem inviting to a man interested in me. Like I mentioned to him, if I were truly interested in someone I know I would need to be open to discussing/changing a few things around my home....am I going to run out and change them today? No! But if I am in a committed relationship I would consider letting another help me choose how to redecorate.......it is all about balance and choices.....
Nov 15th 2012 new

(Quote) Victor-544727 said: I dunno. I thought the whole point of getting into a relationship with someone was to become a p...
(Quote) Victor-544727 said:

I dunno. I thought the whole point of getting into a relationship with someone was to become a part of that other person's life while making that person a part of yours, with the intent of potentially creating a life together. I always thought a couple should take part in each others' individual interests and create something new together.


Then again, maybe I'm completely wrong. At least that's what this fella seems to be implying.


I'll put it this way: A man who looks for a woman with either no interests of her own, or one who is willing to give up her interests from the minute he walks into her life isn't looking for a relationship or a girlfriend... he's looking to be catered to and for a personal servant to accommodate him. He's not looking to be a part of her life, he's looking to take over her life.


And that's only where it begins in many cases. Eventually, that type of control ends-up dictating her relationships with her family and friends, if she's even fortunate enough to be allowed to maintain them at all.


I could go on and on, but these subjects aggravate me, and I think I've gotten my point across.

--hide--

Well said.

Nov 15th 2012 new

(Quote) Maia-181886 said: Yes, I am saying that. You're correct Marian. In some cultures, including the Hispani...
(Quote) Maia-181886 said:

Yes, I am saying that. You're correct Marian. In some cultures, including the Hispanic culture, the woman is often expected to tend almost solely to her family and not have any outside interests or at least not more than one or two maybe. Those 'other interests' would include things like sewing or knitting, gardening, all activities that would benefit her family.

I remember talking to this Mexican woman who had only been in the U.S. for a short time. She told me, in Spanish, 'In Mexico, there's nothing for women but to get married and be at the command of our husbands.' I remember when she said this, I felt sad. Having lived in Mexico and being Mexican-American, I knew this was true. However, it made me feel fortunate to be able to have interests and hobbies.

But yes, I also agree with what you're saying above. As Catholics, we know the Holy Spirit has given us certain gifts and we are called to share those. '...and the gifts we have, we are given to share...may the Spirit of love, make us one in deed...'

--hide--
It is not only in Mexico, Maia. In my country too, the Philippines. We were under Spain for 360 years and was trading with Mexico, being the center route from my country to Spain. I think the teaching of women being submissive to women comes from our Catholic Faith. All countries that were under Spain have this kind of culture. Do not wonder why so many American men mostly 40 and up goes to my country to find a wife who will serve, and coming from a poor country these men lure the girls as young as 17 years old with the promise of coming to America. and for those who came here via this route ends up in servitude. Of course there are exceptions, because I also know of good American men going there for a wife, respect and takes care of his Filipino wife because they find some American women as too independent. Three of my sisters are married to white Caucasian men who are good and loving to them. My sisters were single when they came here. They met their husbands here. They are in their 39, 26, and 24 years of marital bliss.

Nov 15th 2012 new

corrections: women being submissive to men.

Nov 15th 2012 new
(Quote) Dawn-58330 said: I think a lot of men and women misinterpret the term "independence." I think a good number of men have a h...
(Quote) Dawn-58330 said: I think a lot of men and women misinterpret the term "independence." I think a good number of men have a huge aversion to the word because they have a great desire to be needed by a woman. An "independent woman" makes him feel unnecessary, useless, inferior, and not worth value in her life. And women are often misguided. The better value to embrace is interdependence. "I need/ want you. You need/want me."



Man wants significance in her life. Woman wants to not lose sense of herself in him.
--hide--


I agree with your words of wisdom, Dawn! Men and women each need passions and independent interests of their own. Shared interests are great, but it is in pursuing and developing individual interests that one becomes a more well rounded and multi- dimensional person. We each have to be true to ourselves and become the best we can be before we are able to fully share ourselves with another. There is nothing more attractive to me than a person who has passions and has followed them. It helps to makes an individual more healthy, balanced and very intriguing! wink
Nov 15th 2012 new
In relationships, we all need to be a healthy balance of independence, dependence and interdependence. None of these are "bad words", unless they become extreme and unbalanced.
Nov 15th 2012 new

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: Marian, I think that a man's interest in whether a woman is interested in things like cooking and...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

Marian, I think that a man's interest in whether a woman is interested in things like cooking and homemaking is sort of a short hand litmus test way of saying, are you one of "those" women who only knows how to make reservations, because in our culture, so many women are...they have no skill and no interest in any of the "home arts" and for some men, this is just not acceptable, and they are trying to find that out. Maybe inartfully, but trying.

I think it is kind of the same as us wanting to know if a man has a job--providing is part of his role as husband, so you want to know if he is in a position to be that.

Part of woman's role is to care for family, so he wants to know if one cooks (or wants to cook).

Maybe it's premature, maybe it seems like trying to "confine" a woman to a role, but I do think that the skill set is something that most men should be interested in, at some point.

If I were a man, I would want to marry a woman who knows how to cook, or at least likes cooking. Also one who likes kids, is good with kids, keeps a decent looking house, knows how to juggle, etc etc etc.

Just like we would want to marry a man who has a job, can hold a job, has a few bucks saved away, knows how to stay on budget, can fix a car, etc etc etc.

And, of course, women should have their own interests, and a man should want her to.

--hide--


Well said, Pat. Sometimes I think this cultural fruit basket turnover of what it means to be a woman and what it means to be a man gets pretty confusing. We each should do what we think is best and honor each other's decisions. A woman who wants to make her family the center of her life is just as valid as a woman who chooses a time consuming career and hires a nanny and housekeeper. Men who choose to provide for their family in a manner that allows for his wife to stay home and make the family the center of her life are just as vaild as a man who chooses to stay at home and care for the family while the wife works outside the home. We all know what we are comfortable with and will seek a partner who fits our view of life.


I am more a traditionalist as it relates to family life, but I respect those who aren't. I chose to wait to start a career because my husband and I agreed before we married that I would stay home and care for the children and the house, and I could go back to school when the youngest started school, and he would provide for our financial needs. Our main interests were our children and there simply wasn't much time left for other things until the children grew up.


I think the most important things in a relationship are love, commitment, and respect. If you have those, the rest will fall in place.


- Elizabeth

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