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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Nov 16th 2012 new

I think that people should have interests, things to occupy their time and to provide them with satisfaction apart from their work and routine chores, and that this isn't a gender-specific thing for men only or women only. I'm fine if the person I'm with has their own interests, even if they aren't always the same as mine... it's nice to share some interests in common, but also as a melancholic temperament type I'm ok with people who like to do some things on their own. It's also nice to learn new things from somebody who is passionate about those as well.

Nov 16th 2012 new

OK, it's been awhile for me in the forums and this is a scary topic, but here it goes nothing.

Think about these three questions when forming a relationship. You can use it or lose it, but it may be a good filter for you.
Stimulus: Do the person's physical appearance, social class, and manners match your own?
Values: Do the person's values regarding sex, religion, politics, and so on match your own?
Role: Do the person's ideas about the relationship, communication style, gender roles, and so on match your own? If you answered yes to these you may form a couple.

Balance and bringing something into the relationship that the other person cannot forms a healthy relationship and is termed independent. Having independence and dependence are not a bad thing for a relationship.

Woman and men as you all know are different in terms of communication. Woman are more social-emotional in terms of their friendships and men form friends that are companions in certain interests like hunting, fishing, etc. Do I want to go hunting, maybe, maybe not. Does my future boyfriend want to hang with my girlfriends for a night of bingo with the girls, maybe, maybe not. But hopefully we do have commonalities to keep the relationship strong and give each other room for our own interests yet compliment each other on accomplishments and overall achievements.

The most important of all of these I have found in my mid life of dating headaches would be those who Pray together Stay together and you become connected or start evolving as one. Sharing a life as man and wife not as it's your turn to take out the garbage or "You should know your Role" attitude would in my opinion destroy love and you would lose heart in a relationship for both sides.

"Wive's don't nag your husbands, and husbands be good to your wives"! :)

Nov 16th 2012 new

(Quote) Mike-646924 said: (Quote) Marian-83994 said: Maybe I am putting this topic out there ...
(Quote) Mike-646924 said:

Quote:
Marian-83994 said:



Maybe I am putting this topic out there using the wrong words.

I should just state that I am looking for someone who has interests like art, music, and hiking because I want to share those activities with someone- a mate.

I can teach a guy who does not know the arts, about art, and music and I hope to learn about his interests too!

I recently subbed in a classroom where the teacher (male) had some books on the psychology of coaching sports. I read the book and gained a newfound respect for sports being used to increase self esteem in adolescent boys. This made me want to learn more about sports in general than I ordinarily would want to know. If I knew how this psychology works, it would help me in many ways. This would be an example of me being open to a new interest that a man may have or be willing to share with me. ie sports or coaching

I should have talked about shared interests or teaching one another as well as talking about our current interests as individuals.


The Ladies can have her INTERESTS! SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS; JUST AS LONG SHE LETS ME DO WAHTEVER MY INTERESTS/ ACTIVITIES ETC. JUST AS LONG WHEN I GET HOME MAYBE OUT WITHTHE GUY'S OR WHATEVER THERE BETTER BE DIINER ON THE TABLE ALONG WITH A "COLD ONE" THEN WE CAN TALK ABOUT EACH OTHERS INTERESTS (COMPARE NOTES ETC) "PEACE"!!

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I think I see where you are coming from Mike.

Nov 16th 2012 new

(Quote) Cathy-564420 said: OK, it's been awhile for me in the forums and this is a scary topic, but here it goes nothing...
(Quote) Cathy-564420 said:

OK, it's been awhile for me in the forums and this is a scary topic, but here it goes nothing.

Think about these three questions when forming a relationship. You can use it or lose it, but it may be a good filter for you.
Stimulus: Do the person's physical appearance, social class, and manners match your own?
Values: Do the person's values regarding sex, religion, politics, and so on match your own?
Role: Do the person's ideas about the relationship, communication style, gender roles, and so on match your own? If you answered yes to these you may form a couple.

Balance and bringing something into the relationship that the other person cannot forms a healthy relationship and is termed independent. Having independence and dependence are not a bad thing for a relationship.

Woman and men as you all know are different in terms of communication. Woman are more social-emotional in terms of their friendships and men form friends that are companions in certain interests like hunting, fishing, etc. Do I want to go hunting, maybe, maybe not. Does my future boyfriend want to hang with my girlfriends for a night of bingo with the girls, maybe, maybe not. But hopefully we do have commonalities to keep the relationship strong and give each other room for our own interests yet compliment each other on accomplishments and overall achievements.

The most important of all of these I have found in my mid life of dating headaches would be those who Pray together Stay together and you become connected or start evolving as one. Sharing a life as man and wife not as it's your turn to take out the garbage or "You should know your Role" attitude would in my opinion destroy love and you would lose heart in a relationship for both sides.

"Wive's don't nag your husbands, and husbands be good to your wives"! :)

--hide--


Great post Cathy! Thanks for posting!

Nov 16th 2012 new

(Quote) Michael-76823 said: I think that people should have interests, things to occupy their time and to provide them with ...
(Quote) Michael-76823 said:

I think that people should have interests, things to occupy their time and to provide them with satisfaction apart from their work and routine chores, and that this isn't a gender-specific thing for men only or women only. I'm fine if the person I'm with has their own interests, even if they aren't always the same as mine... it's nice to share some interests in common, but also as a melancholic temperament type I'm ok with people who like to do some things on their own. It's also nice to learn new things from somebody who is passionate about those as well.

--hide--

Great Post Mike. Very pleasing!

Nov 16th 2012 new

(Quote) Victor-544727 said: I dunno. I thought the whole point of getting into a relationship with someone was to become a p...
(Quote) Victor-544727 said:

I dunno. I thought the whole point of getting into a relationship with someone was to become a part of that other person's life while making that person a part of yours, with the intent of potentially creating a life together. I always thought a couple should take part in each others' individual interests and create something new together.


Then again, maybe I'm completely wrong. At least that's what this fella seems to be implying.


I'll put it this way: A man who looks for a woman with either no interests of her own, or one who is willing to give up her interests from the minute he walks into her life isn't looking for a relationship or a girlfriend... he's looking to be catered to and for a personal servant to accommodate him. He's not looking to be a part of her life, he's looking to take over her life.


And that's only where it begins in many cases. Eventually, that type of control ends-up dictating her relationships with her family and friends, if she's even fortunate enough to be allowed to maintain them at all.


I could go on and on, but these subjects aggravate me, and I think I've gotten my point across.

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Good points Victor! Important points!

Nov 16th 2012 new

(Quote) Mary-25961 said: Joan you are speaking volumes - the health of a relationship depends on how people view the...
(Quote) Mary-25961 said:



Joan you are speaking volumes - the health of a relationship depends on how people view these.

I always think of a bf who husband died suddenly at 40 with a massive heart attack, leaving with 3 small children to raise. Her mother who was a great assets died six months latter suddenly, the same way.

I have to wonder about all these young people, especially in child bearing years thinking about how they think it is not necessary for the woman to have an education, be "independent" etc. As my grandmother stated almost 50 years ago, a minute on the altar can lead to a lifetime of hell and she definitely knew what those words meant (I am sure many divorced members on the site can share their own example.) Yes God provides but he also gives us our brains and talents to use as well. My gf has had a long haul but if she had an education behind her it would have been a little easier. Thank God she was independent and a strong woman (but as you indicated balanced and warm and sensitive as well) because otherwise she could have fell apart and where would that leave her children. She has truly lived the expression when life hands you lemons you make lemonade. As well as the rare ability to find humor in even the most difficult situations.



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Excellent post Mary. And if a man cares about you he will plan with you for after he dies. If this includes education, so be it.

Nov 16th 2012 new

(Quote) David-364112 said: Huh???? Are you serious? Of course a woman should have her own interests. W...
(Quote) David-364112 said:

Huh????


Are you serious?


Of course a woman should have her own interests. Who'd want someone who had no interests apart from those you mentioned? That's just nuts.

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Thanks for your post David. I believe in lifelong learning.

Nov 16th 2012 new

(Quote) Paul-866591 said: Let us put aside any discussion of Mexican or any other ethnic culture. It serves no useful purpos...
(Quote) Paul-866591 said:

Let us put aside any discussion of Mexican or any other ethnic culture. It serves no useful purpose in a discussion like this. If you want to understand the Mexican culture, fine.

We live in the US of A in the year 2012. So the only culture that matters is this one. Unfortunately today in our culture it is just not rationally possible for a women to be solely and completely a housewife. In most families, it is an absolutely necessity that both partners work. Not because they want two homes, a car for everyone and every occasion etc. But it is a necessity for survival. So if both partners are not able to bring home the bacon, the family is in trouble.

Even if, a family is well off enough that both don't have to work, the roles demanded of the stay at home partner are such that they darn well had better develop diverse interests.

But even that aside, in my own life I looked at the practical side of things. If something happened to me; death, serious illness, disability, etc. even divorce; I loved my wife enough to want to be sure that she could make her way without me. That required that she have a marketable skill; a functioning brain that would allow her to do the things necessary to live.

Still looking at it solely from the practical side. Like most families, over our 51 years, we had a lot of ups and downs. Really rough days economically as well as easy days. I relied on her advise and ideas. Two of the best investments I ever made were her suggestions. Its just too bad she died just as we were in the position of kicking back and enjoying the fruits of what we both brought to the marriage.

The only interest she picked up that drove me crazy was her obsession with politics during the last 10 years of her life. The obsession was eating her up with worry over the world our children were going to have to live in. A lot of those worries are turning out to be well founded. But then, I long ago learned that she did have a very good head on her shoulder and was someone that should be listened to, even if you did not agree with her. She intuitively arrived at conclusions that I could only arrive at after a lot of reasoning.

She was a teacher who taught gifted kids, the brightest and the best, and she was darn good at it. She learned from them as much as they did from her.

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I really enjoyed your post Paul. You are a very caring man to have allowed your wife to be able to develop herself...even if you two had had to divorce.

Nov 16th 2012 new

(Quote) Eric-114571 said: In my experience the term "independent woman" can mean a wide range of things fr...
(Quote) Eric-114571 said:



In my experience the term "independent woman" can mean a wide range of things from "I am not so needy that you can't have interests of your own -- I'm not co-dependent" (good) to the other extreme of "I do things my way and you are just a (very secondary) addition to my life -- if you agree with me then fine, if not hit the road" (bad). I will say that of all the women I've met who called themselves that, there were more of the second than the first so I, too, am cautious.

It might be helpful for ladies who do put that in their profile to share why. Men, for instance, don't put that in their profiles.

--hide--


I list a bunch of my interests in my profile and in listing those, hope to find someone who wants to share those. I should have mentioned sharing interests but that is not always a requirement. I think I made a mistake in the beginning of my thread by making it sound like the woman would go off on her own. I think I failed to indicate balance. Yes a woman should be able to go toward an interest but I wanted us to discuss sharing other interests too.

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