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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

Ok. So I don't know how I feel about this. I have been sitting on the annulment paperwork, not because I want to go back to that relationship (It's a "Not just NO, but !@#$NO!" situation) but because I struggle with the idea that the marriage might have been invalid when I went in full faith.


Just...I don't know. I haven't even been out with anyone but a few friends now and then (large groups) since the divorce. I've gotten used to having to go places like the movies by myself, and I've sort of accepted that it's just the way it is. I guess I don't want to be jealous but I sort of am. Any advice?

Nov 16th 2012 new

Before you try and enter into any kind of interpersonal relationship - enter one into yourself. The observation we make of our self talk determines how our unconscious mind processes the information. The first person to be comfortable with is ourselves. You can say I am going to a movie or you can say I am taking myself out to see a movie I choose to see and have an enjoyable time doing something for the inner me. You can say you are going out to eat or you can say I am taking myself out on a date because I deserve to be treated to the experience of enjoying life. Keep the conscious thought before you of doing something for self as if self were someone else. Small considerations and kindnesses for Katherine, the inner person will manifest in the radiance of the outer Katherine. This radiance creates a perception of the real you and will reflect on others in attracting new friends and enhancing the view of old friends. The enlightenment that comes from doing a kindness for another lightens the heart and when you separate self and do the kindness for that part of you deserving of the consideration your unconscious mind processes the action in a way that changes the physiology of the essence of who you really are.
As far as the vow goes :(Catholic encyclopedia)
"A vow, even in an unimportant matter, presupposes the full consent of the will; it is an act of generosity towards God. One does not give unless one knows fully what one is doing. Every substantial error, or indeed every error which is really the cause of making a vow, renders the vow null and void. This condition must be properly understood; to judge of the effect of the error, it is necessary to know the will of the person making the vow at the moment of making it. One who can say sincerely, "if I had known this or that, I would not have made the vow", is not bound by the vow."
The vow made by the immature mind, not knowing what the vow entails has an effect. If the person making the vow does not anticipate all of the ramifications of the vow, is the vow imperfect? is it a valid vow?
You are experiencing the loss of an expectation based on someone who could not keep their commitment to the vow. No foul on your part and you are going to process it your way. Do so. And once you have completed your process then and only then can you let it go.
Your child is going to be the object of the desire for your husband to get the approval for his actions and his desire to offset any negative feelings he has for his actions and possibly his failures. Your reaction is going to have profound effect on the child's view of the other parent.
Love one another. In their imperfections and in their virtues. Let your child know the fact of the matter is there is no longer a commitment and daddy is going to move on. He can move away from the relationship he had with you. He must take the child with him emotionally. Hiding it is not good if the child feels they are ashamed. The child will benefit if you can stay away from victim and move to a position of how the evolution of human relationships change and we have to correct things as we go. You have and had the intention of keeping the vow and others are to immature to realize the consequences and for what ever reason dishonor the promise based on what is not what was, but on what is and if you wait long enough you will find what is will change too..


Nov 17th 2012 new

(Quote) Katherine-868943 said: Ok. So I don't know how I feel about this. I have been sitting on the annulment paperwork...
(Quote) Katherine-868943 said:

Ok. So I don't know how I feel about this. I have been sitting on the annulment paperwork, not because I want to go back to that relationship (It's a "Not just NO, but !@#$NO!" situation) but because I struggle with the idea that the marriage might have been invalid when I went in full faith.


Just...I don't know. I haven't even been out with anyone but a few friends now and then (large groups) since the divorce. I've gotten used to having to go places like the movies by myself, and I've sort of accepted that it's just the way it is. I guess I don't want to be jealous but I sort of am. Any advice?

--hide--


forget him. don't be jealous. be thankful he's gone. never dis him to your child. you can't set the rules for how he chooses to live his life now or what he does with his own child. let go of it. accept that this is the way things are. work on bettering yourself and your own situation.


a new and better phase of your life will begin - as soon as you let go of the past, accept the present, and work for the future.

Nov 17th 2012 new

I know exactly how you feel Katherine. 2 years ago, BEFORE the divorce was final my ex took the kids to her new fiancee's house to have a family dinner. The kids didn't even have a say in the matter either.

Nov 18th 2012 new

(Quote) Katherine-868943 said: Ok. So I don't know how I feel about this. I have been sitting on the annulment paperwork...
(Quote) Katherine-868943 said:

Ok. So I don't know how I feel about this. I have been sitting on the annulment paperwork, not because I want to go back to that relationship (It's a "Not just NO, but !@#$NO!" situation) but because I struggle with the idea that the marriage might have been invalid when I went in full faith.


Just...I don't know. I haven't even been out with anyone but a few friends now and then (large groups) since the divorce. I've gotten used to having to go places like the movies by myself, and I've sort of accepted that it's just the way it is. I guess I don't want to be jealous but I sort of am. Any advice?

--hide--
I hear several things in your note. I might be wrong though about that. 1) as far as your ex-having girlfriend, you can't do anything about it except pray that it is ultimately going to be good for your kids. Invite God to take care of it. 2) Do the paperwork for your annulment. Ask your priest all your questions. YOU mayb have entered into it with full awareness, you may have done all that you could do, but they will look at things that we aren't aware of. Pray about that too. If His relationship with this gal gets serious, you don't really want him to not be able to have a marriage in front of your kids that is not sacramental.

I heard Don Johnson interviewed once say of his exwife melanie griffith (I think) that he wanted her to be happy. If she was happy then their kids woulld be happy. I am with you in not wanting to return to a relationship with my ex husband but I do want great blesing for him. I pray for him daily for that intention. If God blesses the life of my ex husband then my children will be blessed in turn. That is how I see it anyway. My exhusband did remarry but outside the church dispite the fact that we did receive an annulemnt. I too entered into it full of faith. Once they were engaged I did ask to meet her. I told him I only wanted to meet the woman that our children would be hanging around with. I haven't needed to do anything else in reguard to that since. I have peace that God is on the job!

Nov 18th 2012 new

Well, a couple background things - my ex-husband has professed his atheism, I was the one who pushed for any kind of church marriage at all. It's a complicated situation - my son is 6 years old, and didn't have a relationship really with his father until the court forced it. If anything, I feel concern that my son will like this girl, then she'll be gone, and another girl brought in, and so forth in a continuing cycle. There is a "morality clause" in the divorce paperwork but I don't want to have to invoke it. I just don't want my child hurt or being used as a way to find dates (which is sort of the feeling I get from my son.)

Also, I hate that my son is asking me will I find anyone else so I can get married and give him a baby brother or sister. That's just awkward! :)


Nov 18th 2012 new

(Quote) Katherine-868943 said: Well, a couple background things - my ex-husband has professed his atheism, I was the one who...
(Quote) Katherine-868943 said:

Well, a couple background things - my ex-husband has professed his atheism, I was the one who pushed for any kind of church marriage at all. It's a complicated situation - my son is 6 years old, and didn't have a relationship really with his father until the court forced it. If anything, I feel concern that my son will like this girl, then she'll be gone, and another girl brought in, and so forth in a continuing cycle. There is a "morality clause" in the divorce paperwork but I don't want to have to invoke it. I just don't want my child hurt or being used as a way to find dates (which is sort of the feeling I get from my son.)

Also, I hate that my son is asking me will I find anyone else so I can get married and give him a baby brother or sister. That's just awkward! :)


--hide--
If he is living with one gal after another then get after using that clause. If he is dating, then pray for him and tell your son to pray for him. While you are at it, ask your son to pray for you. Tell him that you want great things for him and his Dad. Thaqt's about all you can do.

Nov 23rd 2012 new

Katherine,

Although our situations are somehow different, I also entered in and kept the relation believing the vow. I gave it all for 18 years, but he simply was not there. I got the annulment, it kind of surprised me how straight forward was the church's response. I haven't dated yet, and have been separated for almost four years now, and the annulment was a year ago. Something interesting happend this year, I think I forgave him and I wrote to him to tell him that, I really did it because I did not want to carry any more pain in my soul and all of that jealousy, resentment, etc. only generates pain.

Something that I did in the middle of the worst pain was to let go of my husband and encommended him to God. I also thanked Him por the time I was married. I also used to meditate and send positive thoughts and wishes to my ex, that helped me too. It is not easy at all, I miss been in a relationship and I feel that sometimes others in the Church (or maybe the society in general) sees us very differently because of the annulment factor. I also had to see my ex bringing his "significant other" to share time with my kids, who are teen ayers; very painful situation, but there was not too much I could do.


You have great responses in this blog! Thank you for starting this topic.


Margarita.

Nov 23rd 2012 new

Twenty-seven years ago, my husband left me for a younger lady because he "fell in love", and I went through a lot of pain. I raised my 3 children on my own. Presently that younger lady and her two sons is number one of 3 other ladies that came after her. He is now living with a much younger lady and has 5 small children. Since he is in his early 60s, this might be the last one.


Just worry about yourself and your son. If you husband had no feelings for you, I'm sure he has no feelings for anyone else. Let him ask for the annulment if he ever wants to remarry by the church, but I doubt it. Someone suggested that when you are going through turmoil in life is good to write it down, hide it somewhere, and go back and read it 5 years later. You will see that things have changed for the best.

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