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This room is dedicated to those who are facing the challenge of raising children without the support of a spouse. This is a place to share ideas and lend mutual support.

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Yes I here once again, to post my moral dileama. crazy
I have a son, who has had many issues which led up to the point where I kicked him out of my home ( his father was already gone) and this was about a year ago to be exact.

He was taken in at the grandparents house ( my folks ) because they felt sorry for him. Says he needs help etc,meetings for drinking. He also has had a girlfriend for over a year and few months ago ( over summer) it excalated to her being his fiance. So things are bad at this girls house - she is 18 - and of course doesnt want to go back home, alledgedly there are abuse issues but nothing concrete, near attempts. And she is part of the DEAL with my son begging me to move back in with me. HIS TACTIC? He knows I need the $ badly to keep the house but I told him repeatedly ( 3xs now over the course of several months) that I will not accept him and his girlfriend/fiance. There will be no living in sin under my roof. HIs answer?

Allow him a chance - and he is marrying her in city hall anyway next week ( heard that THREAT before) therefore it will be LEGIT the living together ploy.

I am besides myself!!!! I am seeking advice from a priest tonight. And I already agreed to 1 night only with the girl in basement and my son on my couch, if this is an emergency for her.

Both these young stupic immature adults , well they both work now so PRAISE GOD, are truly thugs if you spotted them on the outside world, they look different act different, and this girl has basically CORRUPTED my son even more than he already was before they met. Its been a down ward cycle of relationship choices and friend choices for my son since age 14.

I am sick to my stomach.....wht is a good Catholic mom do??????? ashamed sad Everything under sun has been attempted to get my son healthy and away fromt his girl but to no avail...My folks are tired of him as well. My advice to my folks was they delayed his growing up the hard way by a whole year!!!! He should have been homeless or went to a "home" or something but they were afraid for his life.

Now we are back at square one. He is so LOYAL to this girl that when Drew at one point was kicked out of my folks home, he slept outside this girls doorstep nightly or at the local park on a bench just to be near her!!!!!

Now she refuses to go home, even though she can, but its issues with her father who is "mean"....and now I am left holding the BAG. My folks despise this girl and wont let her step foot in the house ..pre my father's demands.

When does TOUGH LOVE and CHRISTIAN actions somehow BUTT HEADS ...I surely have no idea what to do moving forward.....my son had major issues, their relationship of this young live is NOT healthy at all....i need to call DR PHIL


oh LOrd,,,,goodnight for now

Nov 13th 2012 new

Be STRONG now is the time for tough love. Also, I would be careful about blaming the girl. Your son is responsible for his decisions, nobody can force him into this. It sounds like serious codependency issues. to allow him in your house will affect any other children. I would call a family meeting with your parents and make sure you are all united in the message you give him and do not give in no matter what to his demands.

good luck. god bless

Nov 20th 2012 new

(Quote) Marirose-887295 said: Be STRONG now is the time for tough love. Also, I would be careful about blaming the girl. You...
(Quote) Marirose-887295 said:

Be STRONG now is the time for tough love. Also, I would be careful about blaming the girl. Your son is responsible for his decisions, nobody can force him into this. It sounds like serious codependency issues. to allow him in your house will affect any other children. I would call a family meeting with your parents and make sure you are all united in the message you give him and do not give in no matter what to his demands good luck. god bless.

--hide--



I agree with Marirose, it may be difficult but it will pay off in the end. Recall St. Monica and Augustine, her example and prayers coupled with tears won his conversion and because of her tough love we get not only his conversion but a Bishop and Doctor of the Church.
Do not ever let sin enter under your roof or you would be guilty of that sin by complicity. If you need to speak to a priest use a good solid one from the Fathers of Mercy like Fr. William Casey, Father Casey is a nationally renowned speaker and a frequent guest on EWTN.
806 Shaker Museum Road
Auburn, KY 42206
Phone: (270) 542-4146 If you are in earnest about a Dr. not Dr. Phil, but a good Catholic Dr. who embraces your Values as a Catholic, a suggestion Dr. Richard P. Fitzgibbons has been on Catholic Familyland and makes guest appearances on EWTN's Women of Grace. He's lectured on identifying and resolving emotional conflicts in children.

He has worked extensively with helping married men to grow in mature manhood and in their self-giving, particularly by resolving weakness acquired in these areas from negative paternal modeling, selfishness, excessive anger and anxiety. His video discussion on fatherhood is available at
www.fathersforgood.org.

he does take phone calls 610-397-0950 or 610-397-0960. I will keep your intentions in my prayer remember me in yours. God bless and sustain you!

Nov 20th 2012 new

(Quote) Colette-902447 said: I agree with Marirose, it may be difficult but it will pay off in the end. Recall S...
(Quote) Colette-902447 said:




I agree with Marirose, it may be difficult but it will pay off in the end. Recall St. Monica and Augustine, her example and prayers coupled with tears won his conversion and because of her tough love we get not only his conversion but a Bishop and Doctor of the Church.
Do not ever let sin enter under your roof or you would be guilty of that sin by complicity. If you need to speak to a priest use a good solid one from the Fathers of Mercy like Fr. William Casey, Father Casey is a nationally renowned speaker and a frequent guest on EWTN.
806 Shaker Museum Road
Auburn, KY 42206
Phone: (270) 542-4146 If you are in earnest about a Dr. not Dr. Phil, but a good Catholic Dr. who embraces your Values as a Catholic, a suggestion Dr. Richard P. Fitzgibbons has been on Catholic Familyland and makes guest appearances on EWTN's Women of Grace. He's lectured on identifying and resolving emotional conflicts in children.

He has worked extensively with helping married men to grow in mature manhood and in their self-giving, particularly by resolving weakness acquired in these areas from negative paternal modeling, selfishness, excessive anger and anxiety. His video discussion on fatherhood is available at
www.fathersforgood.org.

he does take phone calls 610-397-0950 or 610-397-0960. I will keep your intentions in my prayer remember me in yours. God bless and sustain you!

--hide--


As someone who lives only 2 miles from Dr. Fitzgibbon's practice here in suburban Philly, I can also vouch for his reputation from a local perspective. If you're interested this is the website to his practice...


www.maritalhealing.com

Good luck, Rebecca. hug


theheart

Nov 22nd 2012 new

(Quote) Victor-544727 said: As someone who lives only 2 miles from Dr. Fitzgibbon's practice here ...
(Quote) Victor-544727 said:


As someone who lives only 2 miles from Dr. Fitzgibbon's practice here in suburban Philly, I can also vouch for his reputation from a local perspective. If you're interested this is the website to his practice...


www.maritalhealing.com

Good luck, Rebecca.


--hide--
Dr. Fitzgibbon is really good.

Nov 23rd 2012 new

(Quote) Rebecca-767861 said: Yes I here once again, to post my moral dileama. I have a son, who has had many issues whic...
(Quote) Rebecca-767861 said:

Yes I here once again, to post my moral dileama.
I have a son, who has had many issues which led up to the point where I kicked him out of my home ( his father was already gone) and this was about a year ago to be exact.

He was taken in at the grandparents house ( my folks ) because they felt sorry for him. Says he needs help etc,meetings for drinking. He also has had a girlfriend for over a year and few months ago ( over summer) it excalated to her being his fiance. So things are bad at this girls house - she is 18 - and of course doesnt want to go back home, alledgedly there are abuse issues but nothing concrete, near attempts. And she is part of the DEAL with my son begging me to move back in with me. HIS TACTIC? He knows I need the $ badly to keep the house but I told him repeatedly ( 3xs now over the course of several months) that I will not accept him and his girlfriend/fiance. There will be no living in sin under my roof. HIs answer?

Allow him a chance - and he is marrying her in city hall anyway next week ( heard that THREAT before) therefore it will be LEGIT the living together ploy.

I am besides myself!!!! I am seeking advice from a priest tonight. And I already agreed to 1 night only with the girl in basement and my son on my couch, if this is an emergency for her.

Both these young stupic immature adults , well they both work now so PRAISE GOD, are truly thugs if you spotted them on the outside world, they look different act different, and this girl has basically CORRUPTED my son even more than he already was before they met. Its been a down ward cycle of relationship choices and friend choices for my son since age 14.

I am sick to my stomach.....wht is a good Catholic mom do??????? Everything under sun has been attempted to get my son healthy and away fromt his girl but to no avail...My folks are tired of him as well. My advice to my folks was they delayed his growing up the hard way by a whole year!!!! He should have been homeless or went to a "home" or something but they were afraid for his life.

Now we are back at square one. He is so LOYAL to this girl that when Drew at one point was kicked out of my folks home, he slept outside this girls doorstep nightly or at the local park on a bench just to be near her!!!!!

Now she refuses to go home, even though she can, but its issues with her father who is "mean"....and now I am left holding the BAG. My folks despise this girl and wont let her step foot in the house ..pre my father's demands.

When does TOUGH LOVE and CHRISTIAN actions somehow BUTT HEADS ...I surely have no idea what to do moving forward.....my son had major issues, their relationship of this young live is NOT healthy at all....i need to call DR PHIL


oh LOrd,,,,goodnight for now

--hide--
To be sure, you're in a difficult spot, Rebecca. No matter how you approach this, you're going to be the "bad guy", so to speak. If you follow the right path, you'll incur the anger of your son; if you don't you'll perpetuate the problem.

A meeting with your priest is highly advisable -- by this time it may have taken place, and you will have received some comfort and spiritual advice that will help.

This is a difficult situation for any parent, whether single or still married. The facts you have stated are that your son and his girlfriend ARE adults, and both are working. She CAN go to her home, but chooses not to, allegedly because of mistreatment there. Your son has been seeking help for a drinking problem.

People with addictions frequently become manipulators -- they know how to push others' buttons. Your son is well aware of yours, in addition to your being his mother, thus there is a presumption on his part that you will do everything in your power to ensure his comfort. But....are you obligated to be his enabler? To perpetuate his dependency upon others? To allow him to manipulate you into doing something that is wrong, and probably immoral? Where and when does your obligaton end?

Is your son helpless to the point he can't function on his own? Apparently not.

You're no doubt familiar with "tough love" -- difficult for a parents certainly, but for the youngster's own good, it's the only sensible approach when everything else has failed. Are you able to have him consult with a priest? Not necessarily for confession, but just a heart-to-heart talk about the reality of life. Perhaps a therapist for him?

You don't want your son and his girlfriend staying with you under the same roof, because of fears of immorality which are well founded. If not, there is an enormous amount of temptation to be overcome. Are they able to handle being apart in the same home? What happens when you aren't around to see what they're doing? Can they be trusted?

You didn't mention the involvement of his father. If he is nearby, is it possible for him to take your son and help him with a place to stay? That would remove the burden from you.

Grandparents are usually a soft touch, but in this case it seems they aren't tolerating your son or his girlfriend either. Does that send a message to you?

By letting these young people stay one night, it will be more difficult to "evict" them. One night becomes two, and so on. How do they learn to stand on their own 2 feet if they know there is someone to provide for them?

However you handle the situation, it will be difficult for you. If you force your son out into the world, the two of you may be alienated for awhile. If he sets his mind to becoming a responsible young man, he will return to thank you for helping him the way help should have been given.

Sometimes you just have to say, "NO."

Nov 23rd 2012 new

Rebecca, rose

I've been where you are now, except that I was the one with the daughter, and she was 7 months pregnant...during winter snows...unemployed...and she and her partner became homeless. I love my child VERY much, and I was in pain for her circumstances... sorry

However, Ray has succinctly summarized the various possibilities in his post, and I think that I experienced just about all of them in regards to what happened between my daughter and I at that time. Manipulation, doubt, fear for her well-being, fear for the compromise of my own safety, fear for the example to my other minor daughter, fear of enabling/co-dependency, fear of being "unChristian", fear of condemning our souls, you name it---the whole spectrum of emotions that can rip a mother's heart apart.... sad

If possible, keep some distance from the situation--in hindsight, I would NOT allow even one night--because saying "No" on the second night is sooo much worse than on the first night... Help them find a shelter or offer for your son to stay with you for the week, and check to see if there is an agency that can provide a safe shelter for the girlfriend for the coming week. Then, once married (if that is what they insist on doing), they need to find a place of THEIR OWN...even if it's renting out one bedroom in someone else's home. They need to step up to the plate, if they are going to play "major league ball".

Love your son, pray for them, and be strong. Praying rosary hug

Nov 23rd 2012 new

I am your 3rd post and others have agreed with the advise. Remember, Not all priests are good, (let's pray for them), he may wrongly agree with your son, site his age as his excuse to agree with him, tell him he can do what he wants to do, someone in my area cried to me about just such an incident! That's why it is important to MAKE sure you let a HOLY PRIEST Speak with him if anyone does. But, NEVER help them find shelter to be together to commit sin. Take you son in only if you want. If they were married in the Catholic Church it would be a different story. Your first obligation as a mom is to get your kids to heaven! Going against God Will, thinking you are being a compassionate mom is not the right answer, you can't help your children sin against the 6th Commandment, adultry, fornication..., that would be to love them more than God and think you are being compassionate, that is false compassion... so going against God's laws never resolves a problem, but invite more trouble! Helping them commit sin is not compassion at all, That's why Sacred Scripture tells us, he who loves father, mother, brother, sister, child more than ME (GOD), is unworthy of ME (GOD). Choose God first, theheart that's real compassion, being concerned about what matters most where their souls will be for all eternity that's being Compassoniate and being the best MOM you can be for your children! God bless you and keep you strong! May Sts. Monica and St. Augustine intercede for you. I won't post anymore but you have my prayer support! rosary

Nov 23rd 2012 new

(Quote) Beverly-649723 said: Rebecca, I've been where you are now, except that I was the one with the daughter,...
(Quote) Beverly-649723 said:

Rebecca,

I've been where you are now, except that I was the one with the daughter, and she was 7 months pregnant...during winter snows...unemployed...and she and her partner became homeless. I love my child VERY much, and I was in pain for her circumstances...

However, Ray has succinctly summarized the various possibilities in his post, and I think that I experienced just about all of them in regards to what happened between my daughter and I at that time. Manipulation, doubt, fear for her well-being, fear for the compromise of my own safety, fear for the example to my other minor daughter, fear of enabling/co-dependency, fear of being "unChristian", fear of condemning our souls, you name it---the whole spectrum of emotions that can rip a mother's heart apart....

If possible, keep some distance from the situation--in hindsight, I would NOT allow even one night--because saying "No" on the second night is sooo much worse than on the first night... Help them find a shelter or offer for your son to stay with you for the week, and check to see if there is an agency that can provide a safe shelter for the girlfriend for the coming week. Then, once married (if that is what they insist on doing), they need to find a place of THEIR OWN...even if it's renting out one bedroom in someone else's home. They need to step up to the plate, if they are going to play "major league ball".

Love your son, pray for them, and be strong.

--hide--
Nothing like hearing from someone who's been there.....

What seems as if it's cold and callous can be the best thing you can do for your children. Caving in is a short term fix -- and, as you said, Beverly, it's so much more difficult to say "No" on the 2d day, and thereafter. The real solution needs to be long term, and that won't be solved overnight.

I've heard some stories from people suffering with addictions and are trying to recover. They point out how they literally "con" their relatives, steal from them, manipulate them, lie, and so on. In other words, they expect their relatives to give, give, and keep on giving, while they take, and continue taking. Is that the solution?

It must be pure torture for any parent going through this, but Colette reminds us of St. Monica, who never gave up hope, and prayed like she never prayed before. St. Augustine was anything but saintly for awhile, but he turned himself around and became a highly respected theologian and doctor of the Church. Well, to be practical, most parents would be satisfied just to see their offspring become productive, responsible and lead a moral life.

Thanks for sharing your story, Bev -- it should help Rebecca in her struggles.

And to both of you for what you are going through..... hug hug

Nov 23rd 2012 new

(Quote) Ray-566531 said: Nothing like hearing from someone who's been there..... What seems as if it's cold a...
(Quote) Ray-566531 said:

Nothing like hearing from someone who's been there.....

What seems as if it's cold and callous can be the best thing you can do for your children. Caving in is a short term fix -- and, as you said, Beverly, it's so much more difficult to say "No" on the 2d day, and thereafter. The real solution needs to be long term, and that won't be solved overnight.

I've heard some stories from people suffering with addictions and are trying to recover. They point out how they literally "con" their relatives, steal from them, manipulate them, lie, and so on. In other words, they expect their relatives to give, give, and keep on giving, while they take, and continue taking. Is that the solution?

It must be pure torture for any parent going through this, but Colette reminds us of St. Monica, who never gave up hope, and prayed like she never prayed before. St. Augustine was anything but saintly for awhile, but he turned himself around and became a highly respected theologian and doctor of the Church. Well, to be practical, most parents would be satisfied just to see their offspring become productive, responsible and lead a moral life.

Thanks for sharing your story, Bev -- it should help Rebecca in her struggles.

And to both of you for what you are going through.....

--hide--
rose That is the beauty of the CM Fora--that we can help one another in THIS LIFE, as well as attaining the NEXT LIFE...We witness to one another, share burdens with one another, and offer prayers and supplications, for a myriad of concerns/quandries/celebrations. Praying rosary hug

Collette you have focused on what needs to be done to attain the "next life", both for ourselves and for our loved ones; Ray and I have shared insights of the ways to work on it in "this life"--based on real-life examples. Parenting NEVER ends, nor does our love for our children. Make sure your choices are based on Love not Guilt...after all, we make our choice for Chirst based on the former--not the latter. goldfish

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