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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Deal Breakers

Nov 23rd 2012 new
Hello everyone it's been a while since I've started a topic. So I started one today about dealbreakers. When is the appropriate time to bring up dealbreakers. When is too song when is too late? I've read plenty of articles about people getting into serious relationships only to find they disagree on where to settle down at, on church stances and teachings, things they pushed off til pretty much right before engagement stage. So when exactly is the "Perfect" time to have that discussion on what is an absolute no no in a relationship. I'll give an example I like to discuss those almost instantly because then no one gets hurt if you don't match up. Unfortunately i've also had it where I was chatting with someone for a long time and then I decided to bring up dealbreakers and well it kind of was a letdown to have something that looked like it could go somewhere just suddenly end. Thoughts?
Nov 23rd 2012 new

I think deal breakers should be brought up sooner rather than later. Certain things, like religion, pre-marital sex, and some other things are deal breakers if we don't agree, and I'd rather get that out in the open quickly so like you said, no one gets their feeling hurt later on.

Other things that are important, but not necessarily deal breaks, I would bring up maybe a bit later but still early on in a relationship.

Just my two cents smile

Nov 23rd 2012 new

My last deal-breaker was when my ex-boyfriend said he felt like he couldn't love, certainly didn't love me, and might consider marrying me only if I lost weight. We'd been dating for 1.5yrs. Sooner is definitely better than later. Like, way way sooner than that at least.

I am bitter, yes :P

Nov 23rd 2012 new

The first dealbreaker to get across is what you're looking for: are you looking to find someone to marry, or just a long-term relationship, or what? And I think that needs to happen within a week or corresponding, or on the 1st date. Anytime after that is a fine time by me to bring up other things.

I have brought up pre-marital sex and contraceptives and children before and even during 1st dates, so, maybe I'm just really open. It's important to know what you want, and if your date doesn't know what they want, they are probably not on the same page in life and should get to know you as a friend first, get to look at you objectively.

Nov 23rd 2012 new

Personally I think such things should be brought to light before steps are taken to formalize a relationship. If you deem something so important that you'd consider it a dealbreaker, then it needs to be brought to light sooner rather than later and both parties should respect each other enough to do so. That said, I wouldn't necessarily bring up the more heavy stuff on a first or even second date, but that's just me...

Nov 24th 2012 new

The sooner the better. Deal breakers sometimes come to light after a substantial amount of time has passed after the partners have known each other better. However, if the deal breaker is something very apparent, it should have been brought to the table after it has been identified.

Nov 24th 2012 new
Deal breakers should be brought up when you want to break off a partnership. Relationships are all about negotiation and compromise on some level. Deal breakers are standards that can't be compromised with and should be brought up when applicable. Because once they are said, they can't be unsaid.
Nov 25th 2012 new

Hi All, I have been thinking about this subject , "Deal Breakers". What are peoples definition/ thoughts? Was a deal made and one looking for an out, to break the deal?

This phrase is proper for a business deal, when something comes up not expected or not known that can be used to break the deal.

In a relationship situation it is the differences of thoughts / opinions / actions that need to be discussed to help the relationship to build it or dissolve it.

Are we giving these the definition "deal breakers"? ( to make it clear to all, we are talking about non compatiable differences)

In any relationship there is a need for being open and honest to build trust and faith in the other, without this there is always doubt and lack of trust.

Communication is the key, but it needs to be remembered everyone communicates differently (,men and women.) Everyones past has an influence on their present and future, with some people damaged / hurt in the past, which makes it very difficult for them to trust and have faith in others. These people often build "walls" to protect themselves from hurt, with the introduction of " Deal Breakers" when someone who is interested in a relationship with them comes close to removing or bringing down those protection"walls", they introduce these often out of fear / not wanting to be hurt. But often in this process they hurt themselves more and hurt those who could have been someone to help them get over this fear / past.

With regards to differences in others, these attract us or put us off knowing them. These do change over time, from the influence of others, remember a sinner can also become a saint!

If a couple are serious about a relationship with each other, what should be focused on is trust and faith in the other, for without these the relationship will not last.

God bless you all.

Jacob

p.s. I suggest in any relationship, think of the other as a brother or sister in Christ first. Love as Christ loves us!



Dec 10th 2012 new
(Quote) Mary-583970 said: The first dealbreaker to get across is what you're looking for: are you looking to find someone to marry, or...
(Quote) Mary-583970 said:

The first dealbreaker to get across is what you're looking for: are you looking to find someone to marry, or just a long-term relationship, or what? And I think that needs to happen within a week or corresponding, or on the 1st date. Anytime after that is a fine time by me to bring up other things.

I have brought up pre-marital sex and contraceptives and children before and even during 1st dates, so, maybe I'm just really open. It's important to know what you want, and if your date doesn't know what they want, they are probably not on the same page in life and should get to know you as a friend first, get to look at you objectively.

--hide--


Sorry for the delay I agree :). With you guys it really is a bummer if you meet someone and wait 6 months to find out theres a dealbreaker. It's better to get it all out there I think like Mary said a week in corresponding but I prefer almost immediately just personal preference that way it can get out of the way immediately
Dec 11th 2012 new

Hi all,

I think it is very possible to determine if we are in psynch with someone very early and fairly easily. It isn't just dealbreakers which, let's face it, are fairly easy to spot if we don't kid ourselves about the other and are honest about who we are so that they can determine things from their end.

Deal breakers are setting the bar very, very low. We really want that exceptional match and that means finding things that are perhaps rare or certainly special to us.

That said, I have seen too many cases where someone perceived a deal breaker that simply wasn't there. Misunderstandings arising from the difficult mediums of text and phone. And often every day words and phrasing mean different things to different people. Triggers.

But then here too we can say that someone (Not us!) who won't give us the benefit of the doubt and for heaven's sake just ask for clarification, well, we can say that that is a deal breaker. I have seen so much upset and anger from people who jump the gun on red flags.

And in all of this let us do our best to be kind to each other.

NC Jim

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