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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Hello, so I just wanted to ask this question and get some advice, so here it goes. So I have been tossing around this idea in the back of my head for quite awhile, at first I just thought it was just me being me when I was in a bad mood. However, lately I have started to realize that it seems to be there quite a bit more. The idea is that I am just so introverted, that I cannot have a real relationship and that I should just stop looking and trying. Now before you all say hey whats with the pitty party just hear me out. I was bullied all the way up to high school this left without the ability to be able to socialize very well, especially amongst my peers. My parents liked to take me to their parties and such, so it is very easy to talk with people my parents age. Anyway back to what I was talking about, this has lead me to feel much more comforable when I am by myself, not out with others and especially when I am in a social/dating scenario. This has left me with the belief that dating and relationships are not for me, however, this is the conumdrum. My mind is saying this is better option. My heart, atlhough, feels this is not the case and continues to want me to try these types of things. Now to it's credit I have tried I have put myself out there many many times, I have definitely felt butterflies before, however, my introvertedness and social awkwardness has just messed it up. So much so that if I am lucky enough to go on a date or meet someone face to face, I can count on one hand the number of times I have had a date two.


So guess my question to all of you out there is how can I get my heart to agree with my mind? As I believe in doing so it will make me a much happier person. Thank you all, sorry if this is so long.

12/07/2012 new
(Quote) Steven-381635 said: Hello, so I just wanted to ask this question and get some advice, so here it goes. So I have been tossing arou...
(Quote) Steven-381635 said:

Hello, so I just wanted to ask this question and get some advice, so here it goes. So I have been tossing around this idea in the back of my head for quite awhile, at first I just thought it was just me being me when I was in a bad mood. However, lately I have started to realize that it seems to be there quite a bit more. The idea is that I am just so introverted, that I cannot have a real relationship and that I should just stop looking and trying. Now before you all say hey whats with the pitty party just hear me out. I was bullied all the way up to high school this left without the ability to be able to socialize very well, especially amongst my peers. My parents liked to take me to their parties and such, so it is very easy to talk with people my parents age. Anyway back to what I was talking about, this has lead me to feel much more comforable when I am by myself, not out with others and especially when I am in a social/dating scenario. This has left me with the belief that dating and relationships are not for me, however, this is the conumdrum. My mind is saying this is better option. My heart, atlhough, feels this is not the case and continues to want me to try these types of things. Now to it's credit I have tried I have put myself out there many many times, I have definitely felt butterflies before, however, my introvertedness and social awkwardness has just messed it up. So much so that if I am lucky enough to go on a date or meet someone face to face, I can count on one hand the number of times I have had a date two.




So guess my question to all of you out there is how can I get my heart to agree with my mind? As I believe in doing so it will make me a much happier person. Thank you all, sorry if this is so long.

--hide--


Well, I also was bullied for quite a while and introverted for various reasons. One could say it kept me from asking ladies out that I thought might be interesting. Don't walk away from thinking you may not find someone eventually. Also don't settle on someone who chases relentlessly when something just doesn't seem right. I have tried this and had some interested in improving their position more than improving both our lives. I won't say it is easy, or you will find someone, as I have heard that more than I will care to admit (maybe we won't, or maybe we will, but not when we expect it). Stay in the game.

There is the old joke of someone dying, and asking why God never let him win big in the lottery, only to get the answer: "I would of, but you never bought a ticket."
12/07/2012 new

Listen to your heart and your mind will follow. wave heart cookie

12/07/2012 new

(Quote) Celia-821539 said: Listen to your heart and your mind will follow.
(Quote) Celia-821539 said:

Listen to your heart and your mind will follow.

--hide--


scratchchin Maybe a better way to say that is an anology. You know how in the car on a trip, you have a driver who

with the input of all in the car decides where to go, but ultimately has control of the steering wheel?.....


Well, your heart is like the driver of your car, and your mind is like the passenger who has all the maps and helps your heart to navigate the car to where it needs to be. I hope that makes more sense.

12/07/2012 new

It is interesting how things change with time. People grow older and eventually people your parents' age will retire from work and then there will be mostly people your age or younger there.

There are books on introversion, such as the Introvert's Advantage. In one I read something about introverts having a longer pathway in their brain which may explain why we may have to at least sometimes think before we speak. And only think of the perfect answer after the fact. Also, we may not be able to completely look at someone while we are talking since we need to concentrate moreso on what we are trying to say.

I think if you found something that you were passionate about, that would lessen self-consciousness and boost self-confidence. Maybe you like animals & could volunteer at a pet shelter. Introverts may like libraries; maybe you could volunteer there where there are bound to be other introverts.

When you are on a date, instead of worrying about measuring up, you should focus more on the other person in order to find out more about them as it could be that you do not have much in common and then neither of you would have to worry about a second date.

Also, people often marry someone similar to themselves or someone they are in close proximity with day after day or week after week, such as work, church, or some kind of club or volunteer work or college class, etc. Then you can start out as friends and if you find you have more in common such as faith, interests, values and/or outlooks on life, then a relationship could grow more naturally from there.

12/07/2012 new

Hmm I think I made a mistake in what I was asking, I wasn't so much looking for how to get over the feeling. I was more so looking at how to embrace the feeling, and basically come to terms that I just shouldn't date. You make interesting points, but perhaps I should elaborate further in that I don't really socialize anywhere except aat church or school. Even when I do socialize it is not with people my own age (at church), and at school I only speak on school related subject material. I don't really venture outside of that area. Quite honestly other than that I do not really socialize with anyone else other than my family. My life is basically school, work, church repeat. Now, before you say I should get out more, I used to go out and do stuff like that but was always uncomfortable, and quite frankly it never really helped.

12/08/2012 new

ok, Steven, here is the deal. You are 25 years old---- your age is definitely on your side. I was not bullied as a child, but I was as an adult. It's crazy how badly your self esteem suffers and the downward spiral seems to be out of control. But, the good news is there is help and there is hope. The help can come from a counselor with whom you feel a high degree of comfort. Don't get me wrong, this will take a long time. You have to work at becoming healthy,and there will be setbacks along the way. But, you must not quit. The hope comes from God. Pray constantly - the Holy Spirit will be with you. God Bless You Steven!

12/08/2012 new

Hi Steven, welcome to the forums. You are doing great here, so perhaps stay awhile. And skip the searching part. :)

Actually, I am an introvert too. I would suggest to your heart that "not expecting to find" is actually very nice. Put your life in your hands and God hands and not in an unknown other. Lifes rhythm is smooth when you are not expectant and doesn't have all the up/down feelings. So instead of looking for a spouse (that seems to throw such a limiting discerning element in), be open to friendship and sharing your gifts. That way, you'll be seeking the things you love and you'll also more likely be in the place to find someone that loves those same things. And if you don't find a spouse, you made time for God to work in you. Introverts get their energy from being alone. Its the way we are. Although, its still good to give yourself places to grow.

12/08/2012 new

(Quote) Steven-381635 said: Hmm I think I made a mistake in what I was asking, I wasn't so much looking for how to get o...
(Quote) Steven-381635 said:

Hmm I think I made a mistake in what I was asking, I wasn't so much looking for how to get over the feeling. I was more so looking at how to embrace the feeling, and basically come to terms that I just shouldn't date. You make interesting points, but perhaps I should elaborate further in that I don't really socialize anywhere except aat church or school. Even when I do socialize it is not with people my own age (at church), and at school I only speak on school related subject material. I don't really venture outside of that area. Quite honestly other than that I do not really socialize with anyone else other than my family. My life is basically school, work, church repeat. Now, before you say I should get out more, I used to go out and do stuff like that but was always uncomfortable, and quite frankly it never really helped.

--hide--
Introverted? Some women would feel blessed to be with one, unless he's a total hermit.

Don't like to go out and "do stuff like that"? Not necessarily a problem. It seems right now you're probably too tired to do much socializing, with work, school, and Church. If you are part of some Church activities, you'll get more comfortable being around different people -- with the added advantage of having something in common with them. School? Maybe the same thing.

If you're uncomfortable on a date (which isn't unusual at all at any age), have you thought about going out with someone but as part of a small group? It can take a lot of stress off of you. You and your date won't be alone, trying to think of clever things to say or slinking into dead silence. A group activity can put you and your date at ease, and conversation can be shared. You'll most likely find yourself feeling less self-conscious and more eager to participate in group settings. As you progress and "graduate", you'll have met some different ladies (which usually happens until you and someone really click).

It would help if you became familiar with current events, some sports, or develop some hobbies that interest you. These can be ice-breakers for you. You may not be as introverted as you think (and it's ok if you really are). It might just be a matter of feeling ill at ease because of your perceived social limitations.

12/08/2012 new

Well if you are a full time student &/or a full time worker, you probably don't have a whole lot of extra time for volunteering or joining a club to meet people. I think you are too young to embrace the feeling that you should not date. If it is uncomfortable for you now, then "now" may not be the time. If you would like to socialize more, but feel unable, maybe counseling would help or Toastmasters. But if you are okay with your social life as is for now, then no worries!

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