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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

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In my dating experience, I have noticed that if a guy and a girl are friends for long enough, one or both of them becomes happy in the complacency of their friendship and would not be open to turning their friendship into one that involved dating.
It seems to me that dating is something people only consider when they are first meeting a potential date. After that people categorize their friends as "oh, well apparently they are not interested so neither should I".

But what if due to other circumstances such as meeting someone at a time when you are not in the dating market or just simply didnt think about dating them right away but changed your mind later?

Particularly asking the women out there, if a guy who was a long time friend were to start being interested in dating you at a time when the two of you were both available to date, how can the "friendship complacency" be broken resulting in starting to date one another?

And to the guys, if you have been in a similar situation, have you ever asked out and then dated a "long time friend"? If so, how were you two able to make the transition?

12/09/2012 new

I don't think this often works out, but I would suggest a few ways:

1) Pose the question, "why didn't we ever go out?" And if she laughs and says, what are you serious, etc. you know she really just thinks of you as a friend.

2) Make sure your target is currently not dating. If she is that tells you you are her friend.

3) Next time you guys "hang out" treat her like a woman (open doors, etc.) and then pick up the tab and see how she handles it. If she insists on paying her share, you are her friend. If she seems oddly okay with it, she might have feelings for you.

4) don't talk about other women around her. Ever. And if she talks about other guys to you, then you are her friend.

5) Or just use the direct approach: "you are so great, and we like all the same stuff, neither of us are dating anyone, would you like to try going out, and if not, no worries, you will always be my friend...." and see what she says.

I think 1 in 1000 friend to romance things work out, but if you like someone, and you are the man, you can initiate and pursue. Be prepared for her to say no and for the friendship to end.

I told a friend once I liked him, and we are still friends today so the friendship can survive, but men are more forgiving.

I have a friend who has been friends with a guy for 30 years who is in love with her, so you never know what people are willing to deal with going forward.

Good luck!

12/09/2012 new

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: I don't think this often works out, but I would suggest a few ways: 1) Pose the question, ...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

I don't think this often works out, but I would suggest a few ways:

1) Pose the question, "why didn't we ever go out?" And if she laughs and says, what are you serious, etc. you know she really just thinks of you as a friend.

2) Make sure your target is currently not dating. If she is that tells you you are her friend.

3) Next time you guys "hang out" treat her like a woman (open doors, etc.) and then pick up the tab and see how she handles it. If she insists on paying her share, you are her friend. If she seems oddly okay with it, she might have feelings for you.

4) don't talk about other women around her. Ever. And if she talks about other guys to you, then you are her friend.

5) Or just use the direct approach: "you are so great, and we like all the same stuff, neither of us are dating anyone, would you like to try going out, and if not, no worries, you will always be my friend...." and see what she says.

I think 1 in 1000 friend to romance things work out, but if you like someone, and you are the man, you can initiate and pursue. Be prepared for her to say no and for the friendship to end.

I told a friend once I liked him, and we are still friends today so the friendship can survive, but men are more forgiving.

I have a friend who has been friends with a guy for 30 years who is in love with her, so you never know what people are willing to deal with going forward.

Good luck!

--hide--


Amen!


Especially... 4) don't talk about other women around her. Ever. And if she talks about other guys to you, then you are her friend.



This is an automatic "friend zone."

12/09/2012 new

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: I told a friend once I liked him, and we are still friends today so the friendship can survive, but m...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

I told a friend once I liked him, and we are still friends today so the friendship can survive, but men are more forgiving.

--hide--

Why is it that the word forgiving was used? It makes it sound like for someone to tell the other person they are interested in dating them, it is a sin that needs to be forgiven. I completely understand the sentiment and have seen it first hand where if someone you are not interested in expresses interest in you, you suddenly do not want to be around them any more. But why is it viewed as so "sinful"? Shouldn't taking initiative like that be viewed as admirable, rather than sinful?

12/09/2012 new

(Quote) Chris-840826 said: In my dating experience, I have noticed that if a guy and a girl are friends for long enough, one...
(Quote) Chris-840826 said:

In my dating experience, I have noticed that if a guy and a girl are friends for long enough, one or both of them becomes happy in the complacency of their friendship and would not be open to turning their friendship into one that involved dating.
It seems to me that dating is something people only consider when they are first meeting a potential date. After that people categorize their friends as "oh, well apparently they are not interested so neither should I".

But what if due to other circumstances such as meeting someone at a time when you are not in the dating market or just simply didnt think about dating them right away but changed your mind later?

Particularly asking the women out there, if a guy who was a long time friend were to start being interested in dating you at a time when the two of you were both available to date, how can the "friendship complacency" be broken resulting in starting to date one another?

And to the guys, if you have been in a similar situation, have you ever asked out and then dated a "long time friend"? If so, how were you two able to make the transition?

--hide--


Is their now chemistry there? In order for it to go on from a friendship, both parties need to know that something else is happening, that there is an attraction on some level to want to go beyond friendship. If you do not get these signals, I would say then she is only looking at you as a friend and nothing more. There are many friendships that at some point developed with chemistry and another level developed. Yet, in most cases it stands as friendship. Also many have thought there was chemistry, tried to take it to another level, realized they were really friends and just went back to being friends. If you feel that strongly say something but be aware, if she is not, she may feel awkward and it could put a strain on the friendship. Only you will know if there is chemistry there for the both of you.

12/09/2012 new

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: I don't think this often works out, but I would suggest a few ways: 1) Pose the question, ...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

I don't think this often works out, but I would suggest a few ways:

1) Pose the question, "why didn't we ever go out?" And if she laughs and says, what are you serious, etc. you know she really just thinks of you as a friend.

2) Make sure your target is currently not dating. If she is that tells you you are her friend.

3) Next time you guys "hang out" treat her like a woman (open doors, etc.) and then pick up the tab and see how she handles it. If she insists on paying her share, you are her friend. If she seems oddly okay with it, she might have feelings for you.

4) don't talk about other women around her. Ever. And if she talks about other guys to you, then you are her friend.

5) Or just use the direct approach: "you are so great, and we like all the same stuff, neither of us are dating anyone, would you like to try going out, and if not, no worries, you will always be my friend...." and see what she says.

I think 1 in 1000 friend to romance things work out, but if you like someone, and you are the man, you can initiate and pursue. Be prepared for her to say no and for the friendship to end.

I told a friend once I liked him, and we are still friends today so the friendship can survive, but men are more forgiving.

I have a friend who has been friends with a guy for 30 years who is in love with her, so you never know what people are willing to deal with going forward.

Good luck!

--hide--

Thank you Pat! this basically confirms my suspicions on the subject.
Last night I went on a date with a girl that falls under this category. I did ask her if she was interested in a second date and we had an interesting conversation on the subject.
The answer to #1 was that when I first met her I was seeing someone else, then we each were busy with other things in life and off the dating scene and now this is the first time we were both available for dating.
#s 2,3,and 4, were all successes.

But then I mentioned #5 and I would basically sumarize her feelings as 50% no, 50% maybe, 0% yes. But I explained how it was not possible to say anything earlier due to the circumstances but had always kept her in mind for when the timing was more right, which seemed to score some points. So I just asked her to think about that 50% maybe and see where it leads her towards knowing that if we stay friends I would not act weird about it and would accept it.

12/09/2012 new

No it is not a sin, where did you get sin out of what I said? Gee whiz....

Forgiving as in "accepting, able to not remember stuff, don't think stuff is that big a deal, have short memories ..."

Like, "wear the black pants...they are more forgiving than the white ones."

These forums are really getting out of hand--I wordsmith all day long...I feel like I need to do more editing of my posts here on CM than I need to do on a legal brief that will picked over by opposing counsel.

12/09/2012 new

Sorry Pat. It was clearly a difference in personal definition, which led me to that comment.

12/09/2012 new

While there are some advantages of dating a long time friends, it can become like fitting a square peg in a round hole. The two parties involved must be ready for the nature and dynamics of the relationship to change? Could they handle it? Only the two involved can answer that question (and the two should be honest with each other), but often times a change like that is monumental (aka a role change) and relationships often don't survive these.

12/09/2012 new

Great advice, Pat, as always!

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