I forgot to mention that my own mortality is very real to me, and I see time as being short during this part of my life, which is why I don't believe in prolonging a relationship for any reason if it is just not possible to work out situations such as these. I have the thought that I would rather be happy and single than hang onto an unworkable relationship. I wouldn't want to cause additional hurt for someone by delaying coming to some conclusions about important topics. I would think we would both want to keep moving on if we find out our views are just too different.
I guess if I were in your situation, I would not worry about it. We are fortunate to know that a gravesite is not where our soul lies. Our eternal life is what we look forward to. If you find someone to walk through this life with, arm in arm, you are fortunate. Even our children grow up and understand at some point that there are no guarantees on life and love. If it became a real issue, one could always get a new headstone and sell the remaining plot. I personally don't see that happening, but there are always options.
Thanks for your post, Kathy. I am very blessed to know my widower friend...he is a really good man. I like to learn and be informed on things before contributing to making decisions so I will see if, by chance, anyone else has input. I know this topic was started several months ago and may not be pertinent to many people.
Carol I wish for you love and understanding. Should your friend desire to be buried with his first wife I am sure he means no disrespect towards you in any way. Being widowed is much different than being divorced we had no choice. You can have a wonderful like together don't let this one thing ruin it for both of you. It is just something you have to experience to totally understand.
Sharon, thanks for your response. I know my friend and I can have a wonderful life together, which is why I am searching for possible ways to work this out. I am hoping for an acceptable compromise for both of us, which has to happen in all good relationships. I am hoping that we both respect each other and care enough about each other to work it out and keep moving forward in a loving way. Life is too short for either one of us to continue in a relationship in which one of us has to completely have it our own way, without regard for the other. There is a lot to learn from both the widowed and divorced perspectives. I can tell you from my own experience as a divorced person and as a facilitator for a support group, for separated and divorced people, that I always encourage reconciling relationships, but it does not happen if both people are not committed to a reconciliation. One person cannot make a relationship work on their own...hence, sometimes there is no choice. The anguish of the tearing apart of the "one flesh" which occurs in divorce is horrendous...many times it is a long, slow "type of a death". From what I have learned from and experienced with people I know, both widowed and divorced, all of the same losses occur and with divorced additional losses that occur such as the spouse's family, friendships of people who may not be able to handle maintaining relationships with both parties, etc. It doesn't matter how many losses either the widowed or divorced experience, or in what way they occurred, a relationship of love ends, which is sad in either case. And yes, there can still be love for a spouse in divorce. It may not always be reciprocal because of hanging on to bitterness, and not allowing a christian love to flow through one's self. Both widowed and divorced mourn the loss of good times that they had with their spouses. Deaths occurs in both the passing of one's spouse and in divorce and hopefully we all have compassion for each other regardless of the situation.
To be brutally honest, I think you might be looking at his relationship with his first wife as you may be looking at yours with your first husband. You have to remember (and I assume) he lost her unexpectedly in the midst of a good marriage, they didn't voluntarily decide to separate. He probably still loved her when she died and probably will for the rest of his life. I don't think that's something you should feel insecure about, he can love you as much as he loved her, maybe even more. You respect and admire him so it's not unreasonable to assume that, as close as they were, she would be someone you would love as well. It's understandable if you don't feel your relationship is far enough along that you can discuss your feelings about this with him but you should as soon as you're comfortable. You may find he's also struggling with (unecessary) feelings of betraying his first wife, and this quasi-shared experience is something that could strengthen your bond. Regardless, you should pray for wisdom, direction, guidance, acceptance or whatever God wants for you.
I'm sorry if this came off harsh, that wasn't my intent.
Thanks for your comments, Greg. You did not come off as harsh. I am pretty straight-forward and direct so I have an appreciation for others who can be completely honest. I know my widower friend and his wife had a good marriage, and I no doubt would have liked his wife, because I know he has good values and is an all-around good person, and I would expect nothing less of those same qualities in his first wife. A couple of weeks ago we did touch on this subject and I know we would eventually have more to discuss. For now I am satisfied with his attitude about it and am confident we would be able to work out any decisions that would have to made regarding it. I do pray for God's will in this relationship. Regardless of where the relationship goes, I do know that my friend is a blessing to me.