This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.
Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola
Regarding Christmas and the kids, the way I deal with it is that I make it all about my daughter and not about myself. Divorce is tough on the parents, but it is tougher on the kids. So, at Thanksgiving and Christmas, I ask my daughter what she wants to do.
The way we have it set up, my ex gets her Christmas eve and I pick her up Christmas morning and have her the rest of the day and that night. Last year my ex was sick and Lauren didn't get to see her mom, which upset her greatly. So, after we had Christmas dinner with my family, instead of keeping her, I brought her back to her mom so they could spend time together.
The other thing I do is not worry about the quantity of time, but rather the quality of time. Quantity is important, but not as important as quality. Now, I do monitor the quantity of time so that I don't neglect her and start doing things mostly for myself. But, I leave it up to her a lot of times and say, "Hey what do you want to do?" If so choses to do something else, then I go and do something productive for myself.
It can be frustrating at times, but my daughter knows that I put her first, which makes all the difference in the world.
God Bless and Mary Christ-Mass!
I know Will. Unfortunately, all of them think what each of them wants to do is the most important. I can't come close, materially, to match what their dad can do for them. I can't split myself 3 ways. So I try to do everything the same as when I was married. That doesn't work either. I'm tired and frustrated and don't want them to pickup on my unhappiness. I'm a poor actor and just am alone and can't do what they need.
I've always focused on the birth of Christ as the reason for Christmas (Santa is a by-product). I'm just not doing it well enough.
Having 3 of them makes it a little more difficult. But, you hit the nail on the head when talking about Jesus being the center of Christmas.
Our plans have switched some and it looks like we will be late to my family's dinner (I am the only Catholic in the family) because I will be taking my daughter to Mass on Christmas day rather than Christmas eve. So, I can expect to take some heat for that.
But, the truth is that after going to Mass on Christmas, everything else is gravy.
I feel down sometimes, but this is what our lives are. I saw on one of the profiles that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. I am working on that everyday. We have to thank Jesus for the blessings we have and make the best of the situation each day.
My daughter complains about being divorced and I always tell her that we can't change that. All we can do is love each other and enjoy the time we have together.
I so feel your pain, as tears flow as I write this. I am the one who filed because I just couldnt take the lies anymore, the neglect, some physical abuse at times w/ oder 2 kids. He was never home, he would find excuses to be gone even on Sundays. I have 4 children, I sought strong Catholic advice from a Sister who is a Dr. in Psychology as well - who did help me feel less guilt over being the one to desire this divorce.
Its been hell,I wouldnt wish it on anyone, I regret it alot. I just couldnt fake it anymore. He I know has undiagnosed mental issues as well and I was tired of feeling like the crazy one. I would beg God to make me a dummy and blind to all that I had discovered about him, I spent all 18 yrs of the marriage, shoving issues under the rug and pretending its ok, this is Gods will. I had a shot gun wedding at age 21/22 to a man a knew like 6 months. I tried so hard. I miss the nuclear family, and YES holidays are the pits. I have never been so poor, destitute in my life, I have no Christmas presents as we speak, making things and re-gifting. He lives with a 30 something woman who I gather has never been married and has no kids. I call my X when there is an Emergency or hospital visit and not even then can I count on him. His address is undisclosed and nice girl me still allows him to use the home address for his mail. Which piles up for months at atime.
My oldest 2 children have the most problems. My 19 yr old just today got in just YET another fight w/ some people related to his G/f and low and behold he gets rock whipped at his eye and needs stitches. He has no health insurance at this time. Fortuntately a butterfly bandaid did the trick. Yep since 14 its been horrible for him, accumilating 1200.00 in fines w/ the law and arrests & drugs(misdemeanors) and just everything u name it. This boy was the reason for my MARRIAGE! The reason for everything, I homeschooled him for a year. Its been a heart wreching life thus far and I feel I ripped them off of even a FAKE family w/ occasional moments of joy but things were bad toward the end. Their father got into gambling and back into dealing drugs and it was just something I couldnt take anymore. The best part is, he does blame me for his getting fired from a reputable job, becuae I wanted this divorce. My 11 and 12 yr old have to keep sheltered and I constantly sugar coat it at times. Letting God be their father right now. WHich they really dont get/accept.
My 17 yr old daughter battles bulemia and has piercings all over her face, new one every 6 months. I have lost all authority in my home, which Im gonna have to sell soon or rent out by spring.
Pray and pray and pray somemore and offer all these sufferings up to our Lord and His Mother Mary to help us thru this temporary place we call "home" here on earth.
Im here anytime, if you want to chat....
You were very young when you had children. I was not (33 with my oldest). So it's a little different along with the basic character of our spouses.
Tom (my ex) was never ever abusive. In my heart, I think he's a good man (as good as the best people I've ever known). He saves lives and I could not do what he does. Really, I think that's part of why he's so removed. We used to joke about how he'd cry at a silly sappy movie but didn't when someone close to him died. He did cry when he couldn't save a child.
He's done so many wonderful things that I'm petty for complaining. But his kids are suffering along with me. Not because of how he treats them. He's a great dad. It's the fragmentation of family. If anyone's a stability problem, it's me.
Anyhow, I knew and loved him before he did anything. He was very special and I knew it when we were very young. The irony of it was that I had to tell him to back off and let me thnk. We were young when we started seeing each other (he-23, me-22) and we've been through so much together. It just seemed like life was getting easier and he left (he was 45). I guess it was different for me because he was a HUGE and most important part of my family once I committed. He obviously didn't feel the same way.
It's kinda hard for me because I have to see him all the time. He really is good. He just got selfish in an area. If I'm completely honest, even though he hurt us, when I consider the good he does for others, in the big scheme of things, he's done an incredible amount of good comparatively. If I had a choice between what me and the kids have been through and him saving someone's child, I'd pick someone's child . He's good guy and I miss him but it's been almost 7 years since he left and I just want to be done. I'm really tired.
I had thought of the woman in their twenties being the most promiscous Not true! It's older women. They tend to not expect a successful long-term relationship which opens a whole other bunch of questions You did the right thing especially since it seems you didn't have a promise of marriage.
For us, older women, there's no hope of a nuclear family. Older men can and often do.
Could you adopt? I would think God'd consider it better than an orphanage. If you have to work, I can't see that it's much different from me having someone else that I'll have to pay to raise my kids. Other kids are routinely adopted under twisted conditions. Let me tell you, I'm sometimes labelled as my twins', by people that I don't know, as their Grandma. You're by yourself and so am I. Sigh! I can't see much difference.