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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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I am a single mother who is just now trying get in the dating field. I basically have been "single" even during my marriage raising our kids and just want to know how guys feel about getting involved with a woman who has children where the father has basically "checked out" and not in the picture for sometime now.

Dec 30th 2012 new

I am in that situation as well. We have had no contact with him for 5 1/2 years and I too wonder how men percieve that.

Dec 30th 2012 new

Hi Michelle, To me it is not a big deal and for a lot of us it's just part of the package.


Hope this helps

Dec 30th 2012 new

(Quote) Michelle-920900 said: I am a single mother who is just now trying get in the dating field. I basically have been &qu...
(Quote) Michelle-920900 said:

I am a single mother who is just now trying get in the dating field. I basically have been "single" even during my marriage raising our kids and just want to know how guys feel about getting involved with a woman who has children where the father has basically "checked out" and not in the picture for sometime now.

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We've previously (as in a year or so ago) discussed this topic. I can't generalise for all men, but personally, my answer is: a woman with children wouldn't be my first choice, but I definitely consider women with children and have contacted several on CM and been on a couple of dates with one outside of CM.

Why "not my first choice"? In short, it's just fear. Will the children's father "interfere" in our marriage? Would my wife have "latent" feelings with her ex-hubby because of the bond the share through their children? Can our family be cohesive, especially if the mother is by nature not a disciplinarian and I have to be the primary disciplinarian of the family? How would gatherings with extended family look like? How do I win over the children while courting their mom? If the ex is powerful or respected in the community, am I always going to be "the guy who married Mr. Ex's ex?"

In spite of these fears or concerns, I know several people, including relatives, who are happily married with stepchildren in the picture. Besides, single mothers are arguably more attractive, as they tend to be mature.

To answer your other question, I would prefer getting involved with a woman whose childrens' father isn't in the picture. That minimises the risk of "interference" from the father and likely his extended family.

Dec 30th 2012 new

How do we help men overcome that fear. Do we put in our profile that the children's father isn't involved? That just seems awkward and over-reaching to me.

Dec 30th 2012 new
(Quote) Michelle-920900 said: I am a single mother who is just now trying get in the dating field. I basically have been "single&quo...
(Quote) Michelle-920900 said:

I am a single mother who is just now trying get in the dating field. I basically have been "single" even during my marriage raising our kids and just want to know how guys feel about getting involved with a woman who has children where the father has basically "checked out" and not in the picture for sometime now.

--hide--


Interesting question, Michelle. All I can do is relate my own experiences being both in relationships in the past with absentee (deadbeat) dads, as well as those who took an active interest in their offspring.

First case...dad left to hook up with an 18-year-his-junior because he just could not deal with (he claimed) having a kid. As the Godfather (and friends with both parents from childhood...doesn't mean I don't think he's not a jerk of the highest level) guess who stepped in? Platonic friends with the mom, but, who was there for the skinned knees, science projects, piano recitals, teaching parallel parking...schlepping to college and teenage angst and drama? Yup. Guess who also had the honor of the first dance at her wedding? Why me, and not the biological father? Because, in my Goddaughter's eyes, while he contributed the genetic material...I was her male reference point...and as thus, how she turned out was more my doing than his.

Second case: still friends with the kids and mom...and hear from the kids regularly. In fact, they're good friends. Did stuff as a 'blended' combination, same as case 1...

In other words, a man's place, with a woman who has young'uns running around, is to be a good Catholic man, respectful of the mother's perogatives, support her (yeah, they will try and play one off against the other, just like a nuclear family) in her decisions and roles, and take the lead from HER as to how SHE wants him to be.

Even at 56...I still meet women who have older children (which is a whole 'nother ball of wax) as well as grandkids. I take my cue from them. But, good men have a chance to be good examples. I never turn away from that.
Dec 30th 2012 new

(Quote) Michelle-920900 said: I am a single mother who is just now trying get in the dating field. I basically have been &qu...
(Quote) Michelle-920900 said:

I am a single mother who is just now trying get in the dating field. I basically have been "single" even during my marriage raising our kids and just want to know how guys feel about getting involved with a woman who has children where the father has basically "checked out" and not in the picture for sometime now.

--hide--


First, welcome to the fora!!! biggrin


I happen to love children, so the fact that a few of them may be the children of a woman I'm dating at a given time is actually quite welcomed, as far as I'm concerned. Stated differently, I don't turn away from a potential mate because she has children.


When I first meet a single mother my first concern is whether she is single, or coming out of a marriage (as in your case). If she's coming out of a marriage, is she legitimately available to get involved with? For me, this concern is first and foremost, because a legal divorce only dissolves the civil marriage. In the eyes of God and the Church, she is a married woman and will remain so until the Church deems that her marriage is not valid and issues a Decree of Nullity (annulment). Regardless of any other circumstance, if she is married I cannot even entertain the possibility of getting into a relationship with her. She's another man's wife, and I would hope that she has given that fact as much, if not even greater consideration than I am.


In regards to their father, when meeting a single mother my initial thought is always that her children have a relationship with their father. I expect that they do and usually find myself feeling rather sad for them when I learn that dad decided to take a powder on them. A man doesn't walk on his children regardless of his relationship with their mother.


theheart

Dec 30th 2012 new
As long as you keep them in a locked room it should be fine. Ha Ha. I'm 100% kidding. Let me just put it his way: even if it were a bit of a problem for some, it's so hard finding good Catholic women these days I believe most guess would be willing to take it on.
Dec 30th 2012 new
*guys
Dec 30th 2012 new

(Quote) Carlisle-52425 said: As long as you keep them in a locked room it should be fine. Ha Ha. I'm 100% kidding. Let me just ...
(Quote) Carlisle-52425 said: As long as you keep them in a locked room it should be fine. Ha Ha. I'm 100% kidding. Let me just put it his way: even if it were a bit of a problem for some, it's so hard finding good Catholic women these days I believe most guess would be willing to take it on.
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I actually think that Catholic guys have it much easier than Catholic women. My marriage has been annulled for over 4 years ( closer to 5) and I have only just decided to start dating. However, over the years I have been hit on frequently but NEVER by a good Catholic guy. The secular guys just seem to be more plentiful. Even had moms who introduce me to their sons for purposes of friendship and they are not living out their faith or even trying. I personally think that finding a good man who is trying to live out his faith is like finding the Holy Grail and worth its weight in gold. All the good guys my age or older seem to be married or in the seminary.

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