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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Jan 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Mike-646924 said: Yeah i believe in equal (opertunities) Chores; (keep it fair) and also I Enjoyed seeing the Movie ...
(Quote) Mike-646924 said:

Yeah i believe in equal (opertunities) Chores; (keep it fair) and also I Enjoyed seeing the Movie "The Stepford wives" the old classic one that is ( the one with i believe with (Kathryn Ross) that classic; Now thats the kind of woman i would like in my Life!

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You want a Stepford Wife? eyepopping

Jan 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Steve-650539 said: What Victor said. I find it interesting that some women are looking to f...
(Quote) Steve-650539 said:

What Victor said.

I find it interesting that some women are looking to fit a man into their lives by finding the appropriate chore for him to do.

Show me I am important/needed/wanted/insert your favorite word because you value and respect my counsel. Show me I am important/needed/wanted/insert your favorite word because you are jealous of my ability to have entire conversations with my brothers using only lines from “Seinfeld”. Show me I am important/needed/wanted/insert your favorite word because what I add to your life has intrinsic value.

Need your lawn landscaped or roof replaced? That is what Angie’s List is for.

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For Steve and Victor,


I totally agree that it is better to be wanted because you're wanted than to be wanted because you're needed. Now, to be fair, I am responding to some of the things I've heard men say here on CM and not because the I'm personally trying to divvy up the chores and want some masculine servile labor. laughing The two extremes I have heard in this kind of conversation are "Women don't need us because they can do X, Y, and Z by themselves," and "Women just want me because I can provide X, Y, and Z." There really is no pleasing some of y'all. wink We are darned if we do and darned if we don't! tongue


So what I really wanted to get at is trying to understand how to address perceptions that a woman does not love, welcome, or appreciate a man appropriately. And I think it helps to address both extremes- if you feel frustrated that women don't need you because they are supporting themselves/"doing it all", how could a woman who takes care of herself show you that there is a place for you in her life and your participation is welcomed? Conversely, if you find yourself peeved at the notion that you are just a paycheck/handyman for a (sometimes implied lazy/greedy) woman, what do you like women to do to show you that their love and affection for you go beyond the material? I also think it's important for men to listen to women explain why a woman might do X, Y, or Z-- sometimes there is a totally different and entirely reasonable explanation that has nothing to do with being closed-off to men, being un-feminine, wanting to compete with men, wanting to "be the man," etc.


There are plenty of good women out there who would love to have a good man in their lives, but if we don't know what you want we may not figure out how to give it to you on our own. And vice-versa. So far as I know, neither sex was endowed with very good mind-reading skills. scratchchin

Jan 4th 2013 new

And thank you to both the men and the women who have posted so far. There have been a lot of really great, thoughtful responses! thumbsup

Jan 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Nancy-838315 said: Cute! I need to get a tool belt!!! Do they come in purple? I'm partial to that color!!!
(Quote) Nancy-838315 said: Cute! I need to get a tool belt!!! Do they come in purple? I'm partial to that color!!!
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It was a gift from my family, and I have no idea where they got it from. I grew up watching This Old House and the New Yankee Workshop with my dad on Sunday mornings before church, as well as helping Dad out when he was making stuff in his workshop. Every year for Christmas Dad gives me more tools. He can't always be there to help since we live far apart, and giving me a well-stocked supply of tools and gadgets is one of his ways of looking out for me. He is an excellent dad. heart

Jan 4th 2013 new
(Quote) Laura-896845 said: It was a gift from my family, and I have no idea where they got it from. I grew up watching This Ol...
(Quote) Laura-896845 said:


It was a gift from my family, and I have no idea where they got it from. I grew up watching This Old House and the New Yankee Workshop with my dad on Sunday mornings before church, as well as helping Dad out when he was making stuff in his workshop. Every year for Christmas Dad gives me more tools. He can't always be there to help since we live far apart, and giving me a well-stocked supply of tools and gadgets is one of his ways of looking out for me. He is an excellent dad.

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Lol! I went darn near to the other side of the States for university! Guess what my dad was obsessed about me having? A TOOLBoX! Lol! He's so cute! He put an entire toolbox together for me and then sat down and went through the purpose of each tool! Lol! It came in handy... Especially when I couldn't find the wine corker... And for other usefully things like hanging curtains! Fathers are so cute!
Jan 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Nancy-838315 said: Lol! I went darn near to the other side of the States for university! Guess what my dad was obsessed abo...
(Quote) Nancy-838315 said: Lol! I went darn near to the other side of the States for university! Guess what my dad was obsessed about me having? A TOOLBoX! Lol! He's so cute! He put an entire toolbox together for me and then sat down and went through the purpose of each tool! Lol! It came in handy... Especially when I couldn't find the wine corker... And for other usefully things like hanging curtains! Fathers are so cute!
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My dad made sure that I knew how to change the oil and tires on a car. What was he thinking?! I must say that I happily take it the the dealer for that now! I do still have and use the old toolbox that he gave me. smile

Jan 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Laura-896845 said: For Steve and Victor, I totally agree that it is better to be wanted because you'r...
(Quote) Laura-896845 said:

For Steve and Victor,


I totally agree that it is better to be wanted because you're wanted than to be wanted because you're needed. Now, to be fair, I am responding to some of the things I've heard men say here on CM and not because the I'm personally trying to divvy up the chores and want some masculine servile labor. The two extremes I have heard in this kind of conversation are "Women don't need us because they can do X, Y, and Z by themselves," and "Women just want me because I can provide X, Y, and Z." There really is no pleasing some of y'all. We are darned if we do and darned if we don't!


So what I really wanted to get at is trying to understand how to address perceptions that a woman does not love, welcome, or appreciate a man appropriately. And I think it helps to address both extremes- if you feel frustrated that women don't need you because they are supporting themselves/"doing it all", how could a woman who takes care of herself show you that there is a place for you in her life and your participation is welcomed? Conversely, if you find yourself peeved at the notion that you are just a paycheck/handyman for a (sometimes implied lazy/greedy) woman, what do you like women to do to show you that their love and affection for you go beyond the material? I also think it's important for men to listen to women explain why a woman might do X, Y, or Z-- sometimes there is a totally different and entirely reasonable explanation that has nothing to do with being closed-off to men, being un-feminine, wanting to compete with men, wanting to "be the man," etc.


There are plenty of good women out there who would love to have a good man in their lives, but if we don't know what you want we may not figure out how to give it to you on our own. And vice-versa. So far as I know, neither sex was endowed with very good mind-reading skills.

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how could a woman who takes care of herself show you that there is a place for you in her life and your participation is welcomed?

what do you like women to do to show you that their love and affection for you go beyond the material?

Seems to me this is where the Love Language come into play. Maybe some of the men upset over women doing their own DIY projects are Acts of Service guys. Since that is how they show love, maybe that is the cause of their consternation. Likewise, men upset over the material/money, are not Gifts guys; maybe they either misunderstood their former spouse's Gifts love language or were Words of Affirmation men who never got that from wives.

A few years ago, I read the "For Women Only" and "For Men Only" books. From what I remember, they were actually good. It may be worthwhile to take a look at the "For Women Only" one.

I would caution though that spending too much time trying to reconcile both ends of the extremes is going to waste precious time that could be used looking for the men in between.

Jan 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Rachel-731570 said: My ex married me because he 'needed' me -- he knew I was going to be able to care for al...
(Quote) Rachel-731570 said:

My ex married me because he 'needed' me -- he knew I was going to be able to care for all his needs, wants and desires and all the caring, disciplining, teaching, etc of any children we had (as long as he was the breadwinner which he wanted to be so that all the money was 'his' and he could control it all -- another thread, of course), make wonderful healthy meals, rely on no one else to clean house or do laundry or yardwork, etc -- he knew I could and would do it all because I loved him and wanted to make him happy and pleasing him was more important to me than doing things to please me.
He 'needed' a woman to do everything for him that his mother the martyr did for his father the male chauvenist pig.
Let me say, from experience, it is not a good marriage to be 'needed' in stead of loved. It's the other side of the problem.
He showed me he needed me by refusing to do everything you'd think a man would do (he wouldn't put himself out looking for a better paying job than private school teacher because that would be no fun and hard work, and he knew that I was a great penny-pincher and would somehow live on his income providing for all of us, including 6 children, and still have money to spare at the end of the month) and instead saying what he wanted done but that he didn't want to do it, and I'd move heaven and earth to do it for him.
(example: On a 12F winter day, he'd say he wanted his car washed to get the salt off but he was too cold to do it and didn't want to pay anyone -- so I'd don a parka, lined waterproof gloves, and carry a 5 gallon bucket of water out to wash his car with a sponge -- to show my love, to give him his desire, to protect his car from road salt, to save money, to keep the peace)


I gave him everything, because I thought that's how marriage worked -- you do for who you love.


But then I realized as time went on -- he was the only one who got his desires met -- in any real way.


Would a marriage based on how much a woman 'needs' a man be the same -- all onesided??

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sad Oh, Rachel.... hug

I'm just starting to read this thread, so maybe it was later addressed....but I hope you've since learned about "enabling".

Jan 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Lina-796057 said: Oh, Rachel.... I'm just starting to read this thread, so maybe it was later addressed....
(Quote) Lina-796057 said:

Oh, Rachel....

I'm just starting to read this thread, so maybe it was later addressed....but I hope you've since learned about "enabling".

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Oh yes, thank you -- I had a crash course in many things as my marriage fell apart -- passive-aggression, enabling, narcissism, why people lie, why people cheat, custody of the eyes, how to survive the loss of a love, how to hold on when your whole world has dissolved.

Jan 4th 2013 new
(Quote) Kathy-635104 said: While I would never want to discourage you from finding a man, those round disc furniture movers are aw...
(Quote) Kathy-635104 said:



While I would never want to discourage you from finding a man, those round disc furniture movers are awesome. You can move huge pieces with very little effort. They have saved my back many times over! Um, er, so I can still get those fresh baked pies out of the oven...yeah, that's it!

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I have those movers and I can't tell you how many women in my neighborhood have asked to borrow them. I had an incident where I asked my friend's husband to help me put some furniture together and then wanted a kiss for payment. Sometimes I feel that some men think you are deprived because you are divorced. I try not to put myself in that position again.
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