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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

I am wondering if there comes a point when life begins to feel normal again and why does it seem to take soooo long to recover from a divorce? It seems as if everyone thinks you should be "over it" as soon as the ink dries on the divorce papers and that dating should soon follow. I would love feedback because I'm feeling overwhelmed and very confused at the moment. I feel very "un-normal" right now.

Jan 22nd 2013 new

It's just a new normal..

Jan 22nd 2013 new

I have found that it comes and goes. There is a sense of normalcy in being alone, after awhile, though I must confess I still "feel for" my ring nearly three years since the separation and two years since my divorce was final and I took my ring off the last time.

I took an 18 month long divorce recovery course at a local church while separated/after divorced. It was the best thing I could have done, short of accepting a friend's invitation to attend the Catholic church (I was not yet Catholic.) Do not rush the healing process. I was married "only" six years and it has taken time to recover. Each person is different. Adoration helped me, and although I don't have a church nearby with perpetual adoration I do try to make quiet time to reflect. I identified myself as a married man. It gave purpose to my hard work and a reason to strive to be a great role model for my children. The ex didn't care for me, didn't care to live as a married person. The wounds from being "single again" take time to heal.

I'd encourage you to try to find a divorce/recovery workshop near you, and to just take your time.

Prayers,

Michael

Jan 22nd 2013 new

(Quote) Dana-782979 said: I am wondering if there comes a point when life begins to feel normal again and why does it seem t...
(Quote) Dana-782979 said:

I am wondering if there comes a point when life begins to feel normal again and why does it seem to take soooo long to recover from a divorce? It seems as if everyone thinks you should be "over it" as soon as the ink dries on the divorce papers and that dating should soon follow. I would love feedback because I'm feeling overwhelmed and very confused at the moment. I feel very "un-normal" right now.

--hide--


Dana,

You don’t mention how long it has been since your divorce but if I am reading your post correctly, it has been recent.

As you know, all divorces are not the same. I have actually known a couple of divorces that were cordial, they amicably split everything 50/50 and went their separate ways.

The far majority especially those involving children and those states having alimony usually have a different ending. If the couple had a difficult separation and then the divorce proceedings in court were heated, it can leave scars that take a long time to heal if they ever heal. Additionally, the custodial parent usually has the final say in the rearing of the children which can anger the other parent. When both former partners live in the same city or area, it can create additional issues regarding visitation.

Then, you have those marriages where infidelity played a major role. When the male was the villain, it can take a long time for women to get these issues resolved.

Something I did a few weeks after my divorce was to enroll in a RSVP program through the diocese. This 6 week program which met once a week for two hours was for people separated, divorced or widowed. Just being around people who had endured the same fate made it easier to cope or at least it was for me. At the time, one of the better $20 I ever spent.

In short, to answer your question - depends on the person. It took me about a year. Most will have a period of grief but an important part of healing is learning to forgive your former spouse no matter the circumstances. Until you do, you will have that heavy chain constantly around your neck.

Dana, make sure you keep God in your life and asked His help everyday if necessary. If adoration is an option, spend some quite time talking to Jesus. Just the two of you. Put your heart and soul into that private time and He will never let you down. Find friends who are willing to listen and not be judgmental. Those friends should have a positive outlook on life and be one of your support resources. Get involved in activities, volunteer, join a dance club or whatever other interests you may enjoy.

There are other issues but I feel what I stated above covers a good portion of all former marriages.

All of this is just my opinion.

Dana, I wish you well in your future life and may God richly bless and bring you closure, joy, happiness, peace and much love.

Blessings, Praying hug rose

Leon

Jan 22nd 2013 new

Hi Dana, For me it took time to put my life back together again. The first year is the hardest but I found that over time and with much prayer life begins to resettle to "the new normal" to use Donna's phrase. It took me fully 5 years to feel myself again. I don't tell you that to make it seem like an eternity, I tell you that so you don't go too hard on yourself. I was married 13 years and had 2 daughters - lots of my time went into making sure they were okay first....then I got around to taking care of myself.

Just remember, it's a learning process and there is no one right way to handle things. Family and friends will be more than happy to share their opinions - just be gracious and thank them for caring (because they do!) but find your own way through.

May God Bless you on your journey! hug

Jan 23rd 2013 new
It has been almost 7 years for me and most of the time it is ok. I would like to have somebody in my life someday but my life is full now so who knows. To Leon's point: Do you ever really recover from a man being unfaithful? I am not sure about that one. My ex saw it in his own family so it was ok in his eyes. Even my ex mother inlaw told me "he loves you, he will get tired of it sooner or later". What we do has infinitely more impact on our kids than what we say. I hope you find healing and peace. For me a relationship with God and having animals help with healing. Dogs a super loyal.
Jan 23rd 2013 new
(Quote) Dana-782979 said: I am wondering if there comes a point when life begins to feel normal again and why does it seem to take soooo l...
(Quote) Dana-782979 said:

I am wondering if there comes a point when life begins to feel normal again and why does it seem to take soooo long to recover from a divorce? It seems as if everyone thinks you should be "over it" as soon as the ink dries on the divorce papers and that dating should soon follow. I would love feedback because I'm feeling overwhelmed and very confused at the moment. I feel very "un-normal" right now.

--hide--


Dana, I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. It is surreal for quite awhile. At first it was just surviving for the current and next moment. Lots of time in Adoration, Mass, frequent and strenuous exercise, and --when I was ready to stop hiding--fun friends and lots of enjoyable things to do. Music, dancing and connecting with people helped so much. Long, long walks outdoors also were very helpful. I have learned the things I should do to feel emotionally healthy and continue to do those. A good Catholic therapist, a support group and a spiritual director have also been important for me. I was married for 25 years and never expected this to happen--never in my wildest dreams. I kept thinking I would wake up.

It does get so much easier and I feel better now than I have felt in many, many years. I have built a good life, piece by piece.

A support group through Church, one who is not going to blow off divorce as a 'fact of life', is a great idea.

You are in my prayers today. If you ever want to 'talk' one on one, I am a great listener. You can message me. God bless you, Dana!
Jan 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Dana-782979 said: I am wondering if there comes a point when life begins to feel normal again and why does it seem t...
(Quote) Dana-782979 said:

I am wondering if there comes a point when life begins to feel normal again and why does it seem to take soooo long to recover from a divorce? It seems as if everyone thinks you should be "over it" as soon as the ink dries on the divorce papers and that dating should soon follow. I would love feedback because I'm feeling overwhelmed and very confused at the moment. I feel very "un-normal" right now.

--hide--

It depends on what your situation is. When one is thriving rather than just plodding through each day and surviving. When you start feeling the joy again. The normal will be different but you will start to have control over it and your life. Once your basic needs are met, you feel secure and things are in your control, you will be able to focus on the extras that bring joy into your life. Keep praying, be thankful and keep God in the driver's seat. theheart rose

Jan 23rd 2013 new

to keep from worrying, keep busy. if your children are young, concentrate on them with their school activities. just know that time will heal and God is with you every step of the way.


sandra************HAPPY BIRTHDAY party party princess princess present present Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!

Jan 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Dana-782979 said: I am wondering if there comes a point when life begins to feel normal again and why does it seem t...
(Quote) Dana-782979 said:

I am wondering if there comes a point when life begins to feel normal again and why does it seem to take soooo long to recover from a divorce?

--hide--

Dear Dana,

Everyone has given great advice and it's true, the healing process is different for everyone. In my own experience, it took me about 5 years to get to the point where I had fully accepted the new normal and was anxious to look forward instead of back to what I lost. Even though I had done a lot of work on myself through those years, I still used the two more I would be single to work on me and prepare myself for whoever God brought into my life. Year seven, I met Mr. Wonderful and we've been married for almost 13 years.

I am so sorry that you must go through this difficult time. I don't think anyone, man or woman, can ever completely erradicate the pain of divorce from their hearts once it's happened. It is a traumatic event and it becomes a part of who you are. That being said, the most important and helpful thing you can do right now is to not lose hope. As horrible as things may seem now, you won't always feel this way. It will change at some point and you will be happy again.

I strongly recommend staying away from one-on-one dating until you feel better and have a decree of nullity in hand. Go out with groups of people. Being social will help as much as being alone and sorting it all out.

Count on my prayers for you!

Sincerely - Lisa Duffy

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