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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul gave me his blessing and permission to 'move forward' and did not want me to be alone. After being a member of CM since New Year's Eve 2012 (my birthday is New Year's Day), I am wondering if I ~ and any widow/widower ~ should limit their search for a partner/helpmate/future spouse to only other widows/widowers. Considering the unique circumstances, grief and pain of loss that we bear, is it possible that someone other than 'us' could ever truly relate?

Can a 'never married' or 'divorced' person ever understand and accept the path of married love that we had and lost? Help me out here...I'm trying to navigate my way through very murky and stormy waters...

p.s. Please don't beat me up. I am the child of divorced Catholic parents, so I DO have insight into both worlds. Unfortunately, I have now become a member of both unwelcome 'clubs'.

Jan 23rd 2013 new
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said: I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul gave me his b...
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said:

I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul gave me his blessing and permission to 'move forward' and did not want me to be alone. After being a member of CM since New Year's Eve 2012 (my birthday is New Year's Day), I am wondering if I ~ and any widow/widower ~ should limit their search for a partner/helpmate/future spouse to only other widows/widowers. Considering the unique circumstances, grief and pain of loss that we bear, is it possible that someone other than 'us' could ever truly relate?

Can a 'never married' or 'divorced' person ever understand and accept the path of married love that we had and lost? Help me out here...I'm trying to navigate my way through very murky and stormy waters...

p.s. Please don't beat me up. I am the child of divorced Catholic parents, so I DO have insight into both worlds. Unfortunately, I have now become a member of both unwelcome 'clubs'.

--hide--


You have my prayers for your healing of memories and your well being during the grief process.
Jan 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Brenda-74660 said: You have my prayers for your healing of memories and your well being during the grief process.
(Quote) Brenda-74660 said:

You have my prayers for your healing of memories and your well being during the grief process.
--hide--



Thank you, Brenda.

Jan 24th 2013 new

(Quote) Tracy-929496 said: I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul...
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said:

I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul gave me his blessing and permission to 'move forward' and did not want me to be alone. After being a member of CM since New Year's Eve 2012 (my birthday is New Year's Day), I am wondering if I ~ and any widow/widower ~ should limit their search for a partner/helpmate/future spouse to only other widows/widowers. Considering the unique circumstances, grief and pain of loss that we bear, is it possible that someone other than 'us' could ever truly relate?

Can a 'never married' or 'divorced' person ever understand and accept the path of married love that we had and lost? Help me out here...I'm trying to navigate my way through very murky and stormy waters...

p.s. Please don't beat me up. I am the child of divorced Catholic parents, so I DO have insight into both worlds. Unfortunately, I have now become a member of both unwelcome 'clubs'.

--hide--
Tracy -- Because all of this happened recently, you'll be discovering changes in your life, your lifestyle, attitudes and so on. There is a grieving process that can't be rushed, so it's advisable not to make any long term commitments or major changes yet. It may be true that some grieving took place during the time your husband was ill, but there's a process you will undergo no matter what.

I'm widowed, but am inclined to be an equal opportunity seeker. It doesn't make a difference if the person is widowed, divorced with an annulment, or hasn't ever been married. All people bring their unique experiences to the table. Those who have been married and lost their spouse thru divorce or death grieve. There is some immediate common ground in that.

We have to think, though, that having been around for awhile, nearly everyone will have had the experience of losing someone close. It may not have been a spouse, but it could be a parent or other close family member. They will relate, although not exactly in the same manner. Their experience will help them understand your feelings.

We need to look beyond the common bond of losing our mate. A new relationship won't be founded upon what existed in the past. It's now important to focus upon the present -- one day at a time for now. Once you are truly ready you will participate in this perspective. You're not going to forget the past, but it can't be dictating how we are living our lives at the present time. As you probably heard many times already: You don't forget, but you do go on. Very true. A solid future relationship won't be built upon previous mates. A fresh start is in order out of fairness to each other.

Lastly (at least for now), we welcome you to the CM forums. As a newer member, you have discovered this goldmine of information quickly. You'll find a lot of support here, so feel free to express your feelings.

Jan 24th 2013 new

Thank you, Ray, for your kind words and wise advice.

I agree with everything you said and I appreciate you stating it so clearly and simply.

I am glad I decided to join this site, especially for the friendships I hope will result.

Ave Maria

Tracy

Jan 24th 2013 new

(Quote) Tracy-929496 said: Thank you, Ray, for your kind words and wise advice.I agree with everything you said and ...
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said:

Thank you, Ray, for your kind words and wise advice.

I agree with everything you said and I appreciate you stating it so clearly and simply.

I am glad I decided to join this site, especially for the friendships I hope will result.

Ave Maria

Tracy

--hide--
The site is a good place to make friends -- especially by means of the forums. This will help you while you're in the process of "re-inventing" yourself and adjusting to the single life. Ups and downs are normal, so don't worry about having some bad days. The day-by-day approach works well with many difficulties people face.

It's presumed you're taking care of yourself spiritually -- that's of great importance during this difficult time.

Jan 24th 2013 new

(Quote) Ray-566531 said: The site is a good place to make friends -- especially by means of the forums. This will help you w...
(Quote) Ray-566531 said:

The site is a good place to make friends -- especially by means of the forums. This will help you while you're in the process of "re-inventing" yourself and adjusting to the single life. Ups and downs are normal, so don't worry about having some bad days. The day-by-day approach works well with many difficulties people face.

It's presumed you're taking care of yourself spiritually -- that's of great importance during this difficult time.

--hide--


Thank you for your concern. Yes. I am taking care of myself spiritually. Thankfully, I was given the gift of a strong, lively faith when very young. It's been severely tried over the years and deeply bruised, but just because bad things happen that we don't understand, that doesn't change Who God is and His unconditional love for us.

My youngest daughter (turns 15 on Tues) is suffering. One of her reactions to Jesus NOT healing her daddy as we all hoped and prayed so hard for Him to do, is to let me know that she no longer wishes to pray our daily family rosary. She said that Jesus did not keep His promises that we counted so much on (Divine Mercy promises, "Whatever you ask the Father in My Name, He will grant you", etc) that she would be a hypocrite to continue relying on them and asking Holy Mary to intercede for us, because 'it didn't work!".

Honestly, I can understand her reaction, as these thoughts have crossed my mind, too. The best I can do is to let her have her space, don't INSIST that she join me in the rosary (yes, we still attend Mass together) and just let her see that I continue to pray silently, that I"ve not given up, that she is safe and secure and very much loved. I know her dad is praying for her and our other four children and for me. She'll be ok. We've all experienced a very great tragedy and immense loss. That kind of suffering affects us all differently, but we still love each other and were given a solid foundation that will see us through.

Jan 24th 2013 new

(Quote) Tracy-929496 said: Thank you for your concern. Yes. I am taking care of myself spiritually. Thankfully, I wa...
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said:



Thank you for your concern. Yes. I am taking care of myself spiritually. Thankfully, I was given the gift of a strong, lively faith when very young. It's been severely tried over the years and deeply bruised, but just because bad things happen that we don't understand, that doesn't change Who God is and His unconditional love for us.

My youngest daughter (turns 15 on Tues) is suffering. One of her reactions to Jesus NOT healing her daddy as we all hoped and prayed so hard for Him to do, is to let me know that she no longer wishes to pray our daily family rosary. She said that Jesus did not keep His promises that we counted so much on (Divine Mercy promises, "Whatever you ask the Father in My Name, He will grant you", etc) that she would be a hypocrite to continue relying on them and asking Holy Mary to intercede for us, because 'it didn't work!".

Honestly, I can understand her reaction, as these thoughts have crossed my mind, too. The best I can do is to let her have her space, don't INSIST that she join me in the rosary (yes, we still attend Mass together) and just let her see that I continue to pray silently, that I"ve not given up, that she is safe and secure and very much loved. I know her dad is praying for her and our other four children and for me. She'll be ok. We've all experienced a very great tragedy and immense loss. That kind of suffering affects us all differently, but we still love each other and were given a solid foundation that will see us through.

--hide--
It's not unusual for a person to feel the way your daughter does. Anger is a part of the grieving process -- we all experience and express it in some form or another. Some, like your daughter, feel betrayed. She's young and her faith hasn't fully matured. Even if it has, her anger is understandable. She asked, probably begged, but didn't get the answer she wanted -- her father's healing.

Prayers aren't always answered directly; the answers we get aren't always the ones we want. It's difficult to understand that her prayers were answered but it may take a long time for her to realize that. All of you prayed for healing, of course. It's difficult to grasp at this early stage, but your husband has been healed. No longer is he tortured by the pain, suffering, and agony. Jesus Himself suffered immensely -- His Father permitted it, seeing it as something necessary for humanity. Jesus carried his cross, as we must carry ours. Yes -- your husband has been freed from every conceivable earthly problem. There's comfort in believing he is in a better place, no longer suffering; no longer tormented by seeing you and your family suffering, too.

When we lose someone, our sadness is largely for ourselves -- our loss. We are deprived of our loved one. If we look beyond (not easy), it's a comfort to know, through our Faith, that he is in that better place (no reflection on you, of course).

If you keep the dialogue going between yourself and your daughter, you can draw out her feelings and help her cope with them. What she feels is perfectly normal. If she continues to have serious and prolonged problems that affect her daily life, she might seek a compassionate priest to help her through this difficult time. Perhaps a Christian counselor might eventually be helpful -- time will tell.

Your husband wanted you to move forward and go on with your lives -- it's an ultimate act of unselfishness. You and your family can do this, but it does take time.

Jan 24th 2013 new
Never-married people may not be able to understand fully, but we can certainly accept and even rejoice over the happy times of a widow's past. I've often imagined the possibility of helping ease the pain of what is left of a widow's life. I would even be willing to let her keep all her old photographs around, even if her first husband were in them. I'd happily listen to her stories about her past life and give her a big hug to try to make her feel better. Certainly there are challenges to such a situation, but no reason to exclude a never-married person from consideration.
Jan 25th 2013 new

Tracy,

I was having a conversation with a lady I met on CM. She said something that made me think and may be something to mention to your daughter. The topic then was different but still concerned praying, begging God for a particular outcome. She said God will always answer our prayers but we must be prepared for the fact that sometimes His answer is "No".

As to your original question, personally, I would not limit my interactions to other widows/widowers. If it is God's intention, He will place a special person in your life again. Why run the risk of rejecting His gift by setting those type of restrictions?

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