I wish I could express myself as well as you all have in the previous posts. I agree with almost everything said. I don't want one more person asking me, "How are you doing?", "You sure seem to be doing much better than I would be doing", "What are your plans for the Garden Center?" (the family business we've owned and ran for twenty years)...yet, if they DIDN'T ask, then I would feel slighted, as if they didn't care or were afraid my response would make them feel uncomfortable. I found a safe and honest answer is, "That's an easy question with a complicated answer."
The overwhelming grief at losing Paul physically hurts. He lost his battle with kidney cancer Nov. 3. We have three married daughters, an adult son, a 14 year old daughter home with me and seven grandchildren. Plus, countless extended family , friends, our church and the entire community of Loogootee who respected, admired and loved Paul. Our lives are all richer and blessed by knowing Paul. Our world is much lonelier and quieter now without him (he LOVED to talk - in person and on his ever-ringing cell phone, which he was buried with). I usually can express myself better when writing and I hope to find a safe, caring outlet here on this site with others who can identify with my painful loss.
Another reason I joined catholicmatch.com was because Paul insisted that I remain active, keep old and make new friends, and find a good Christian man to share my life with. He always looked out and cared for me in ways big and small. Simply taking the trash out the first time was a jarring wake-up call that the thousands of details he saw to each day, now, would not get done unless I did them myself.
In his typical, unselfish loving concern, he insisted that none of us 'get mad at God', if he was not healed here on earth, but only after death in heaven. He said we see our life's journey in a limited way, as if on a 8"TV screen. God is standing behind us viewing our lives on a huge, giant TV screen...He sees the BIG picture...we must trust Him that all is according to God's Divine Providence, for the good of our souls and that there is a reason why some are taken home to heaven and others are left to continue their mission on earth. OF COURSE we can be sad, cry, question 'why?', even beat the walls with our fists! Even Jesus cried when His friend Lazarus died.
My faith in God's promises and goodness has been bruised, but not destroyed. Prayers and grace sustain me. It's a miracle I have not gone insane with grief, but went right back to our store one week after Paul's funeral. Thank God I have this place to focus on and go to each day that we shared, worked together side-by-side with our kids for so many years and dearly loved. Paul did want me to be alone, so he has given me a beautiful gift and his blessing to accept the love of another man that God may send me one day. Thank you, dear.
I think you wrote that beautifully. Biggest of hugs. To all of us here who have lost someone so dear. The physical pain you speak of was one of the most shocking aspects, and even worse I literally felt as if the left side of my body had been amputated and was merely like an empty gelatinous shell, its so hard to explain, but it was like being ripped asunder. It's just now starting to fill filled in and solid. but my heart still hurts everyday at some point.
I am so happy that you were able to talk to your husband and that he was able to share the things he did with you. Pete and I had talked a lot about everything and one day a few months before we had talked about what we would do if one or the other of us passed away. Pete said he would never marry again, he married once and that was me, but he might have a girlfriend lol. I told him that I knew as long as the kids were still at home I wouldn't remarry, but once they were grown I wasn't sure. I know he would want me to be happy and I don't think he would want me to sit at home and pine for him. But, because he didn't actually say to me, I think you should remarry or I think you still have a lot of love to share and should remarry, etc. . . I have felt a little uncertain about it. I finally joined the site because I came to the decision that I have always known I was called to married life. I had thought that would be Pete for a long time. And, I want to share my life with another person. I want to laugh. I want to touch. And, I think Pete would approve if I make a good choice :-). It's just so hard. And, I don't want to compare another person to Pete, I want to be able to meet them on their own terms and know them that way, not as an attempt to replace Pete. So I want to take it very slow and get to know the person as a friend and see what develops.
My mother told me the day or two after that I was young and I would remarry. I nearly fell over and said how can you say that. You never remarried, my grandmother's never remarried my aunt, so why would I be the one to remarry. She just patted my hand. And then a friend of mine said, you know there is a study that shows that people who were happy in marriage, who had a good view of marriage, were often the ones to remarry and to do so sometimes more swiftly than people expect.
I am sorry I didn't mean to hijack this lol. I just wanted you to know Tracy that I thought your post was beautiful and I am happy that you were given that gift of time with your husband to be able to talk about those things, as difficult and heartbreaking as it can be I firmly believe that being present with a person as they pass into the next life is one of the greatest gifts we can have, as great as being their at their birth. Big hugs and know I am thinking about you, I am thinking about all of you and your loss and wish peace and love and healing for each of you.