Love finds us….we do not find love….
Love has found me three times in my life….and every time love has found me, I was not looking.
Let me repeat that. I have never found love.
oh, wait….we need the theme music…. youtu.be
Love is grace, and grace is a gift….there is no explanation for grace, there is no explanation for love.
There is no explanation for waking in the morning and longing to reach over for the hand of your spouse, for the hand of your one true love, longing for the touch of this one person for whom your heart is on fire, no explanation for the burning in your heart for a person is so far away yet so near that you burn with a fierce heat for their touch….
So let me try this again…..I have never found love…
In 1986, in the frigid cold of a deep winter night I stared at a comet…no wait, that’s not right….I looked away from that comet, and the comet snapped into view. On that night, in the deepness of winter, in the unknowable darkness, I knew….something was coming, someone was coming, someone still unknowable, oh, she was waiting to be found, on a sea slashed with wind-driven foam.
Fast forward decades, fast forward past love, pain, grief, suffering, death, sadness, some small happiness that suffering had ended, fast forward past yet another winter of darkness, fast forward past the work of letting go….
In an airport, waiting for a plane, I heard that song again….in broad daylight the comet snapped into view, some hidden song trembling with a vibration so deep it was silent, yet I felt that sound, knew that sound, knew the sound of grace, knew that someone was waiting, somewhere, someone still unknowable. I trembled with the silence of that sound….love had found me, right then, yet still unknowable. All I heard was the promise of love….
I went home, uncertain, yet knowing something had changed….a promise of grace yet to come, of love yet to come, a promise…..
Can we love more than once? Of course we can. We have one child, and we love that child perfectly. And we have a second child, and our heart grows to love both children, perfectly. And we have a third child, and our heart grows again, to love all three children perfectly. So it is with love.
Love is boundless, love is limitless, love is massive, love is overwhelming, love is impossible, love is without explanation, love is the drummer drumming deep within our heart, love is a chorus of happiness that never stops….
….and love found me when I was not looking….love came to me, knocked on my door, and dared me to answer. I was not looking for love…love found me, grace found me, I was blessed, and I have no idea why….well, I know why….love found me because God has given me that gift, God has granted me the chance to love again, God has blessed me despite my fallen nature….and because, I think, I had not asked for love. I gave myself to God’s will in all things, I prayed only that I could submit to God’s will.
And God’s will is that I love again, and fantastically, that I love again with a deeper and stronger love than I have ever had before, a love so fantastic, so impossible, so funny, so happy, so connected, so immutable, so massive, so electric, so mystifying…..
I wasn’t looking, I wasn’t asking, I was simply walking alone, chopping wood and carrying water alone, and doing my best to be happy. Love found me, oh, love found me, love struck me, love wounded me, love has broken me, love has captured me, love has made me laugh again, love wakes me each morning…
Love found me…..when I was not looking….
Look away from love….look away…and pray…always pray….
Andy, you know how happy I am for you? I, too, believe that I will find love again in a different way between the holes of my heart. I believe in God's promises in this area. I would post it, and I have written about it before, but in light of recent posts, I won't. Just know that I agree with you 100% I do not know when or if God has another chapter for me, but I do know this. He will either take the loneliness or he will put the right person at the right time into my life. In the meantime, I am so very thankful for the many friends that get it and do not seek to tell me how to grieve, how to date, or how to feel.
Simply beautifully written. Eloquent, honest, and heart-rendering, Andy. I am also so pleased for your happiness!
Thank you for sharing, and for helping the rest of us better understand that God knows our hearts, and chooses His time for our completion--whether alone or with a mate. I, too, will keep my eyes and heart open for the unexpected!
Andy that was heart felt and beautifully written. It is very nice that you have found love again. I believe like you when you are looking you do not find love. Love comes when you least expect it but you have to open to it. If you are not open to it you will not find it even if it is right in front of you.