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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

Feb 18th 2013 new
(Quote) Al-939544 said: So I am a recent widower and I am also new to CM and I had not seen this topic in the forum titles and I wanted to...
(Quote) Al-939544 said:

So I am a recent widower and I am also new to CM and I had not seen this topic in the forum titles and I wanted to get folks thoughts on when do you take your wedding ring off. Did folks feel comfortable after certain amout of time ? Do you wait for your first face to face date as I assume the date will not go well if you have your wedding ring on ?

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I think that grief is different for each person. It makes sense that when you have been in a loving relationship that the strings that once bound are hard to cut. Be gentle with yourself. What would you tell your wife if she were the one left in your shoes? I imagine that you would want her to be gentle with herself as she transitions to new chapters in her life. I am sure that you would be praying for her and I imagine that she is praying for you now. God bless you as you discern this decision
Feb 19th 2013 new

(Quote) Al-939544 said: So I am a recent widower and I am also new to CM and I had not seen this topic in the forum titles a...
(Quote) Al-939544 said:

So I am a recent widower and I am also new to CM and I had not seen this topic in the forum titles and I wanted to get folks thoughts on when do you take your wedding ring off. Did folks feel comfortable after certain amout of time ? Do you wait for your first face to face date as I assume the date will not go well if you have your wedding ring on ?

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I don't think I have completely taken my wedding ring off. By that I mean that while I took it off several months after my husband passed away, 2-1/2 years ago, I kept it and I still find myself wearing it on an off, when I go out. I am way passed my grieving period and when I decided to try to find another mate for life (about a year ago) I stopped wearing my ring as a part of it. But often find myself still wearing it. Maybe it's a "comfort thing", I don't know. I feel ready to completely take it off when I find the right person that hopefully will be my next partner in life.




Feb 22nd 2013 new

(Quote) Al-939544 said: So I am a recent widower and I am also new to CM and I had not seen this topic in the forum titles a...
(Quote) Al-939544 said:

So I am a recent widower and I am also new to CM and I had not seen this topic in the forum titles and I wanted to get folks thoughts on when do you take your wedding ring off. Did folks feel comfortable after certain amout of time ? Do you wait for your first face to face date as I assume the date will not go well if you have your wedding ring on ?

--hide--


I asked the same question after my beloved wife passed away, and the answer I kept getting (from psycholgists, etc) was when it feels right to you. As someone said to me, what's the harm of wearing a wedding ring, especially if it helps YOU deal with YOUR grief. There is no recipee for grief, and there is no right or wrong answer as to when you should do something. Personally I took it off after the 1 year anniversary of her passing, but found I put it back on the weekend of what would have been our 6th Wedding Anniversary. I wore it on our anniversary day, and I haven't worn it since. I don't know how I'll feel when it's her B'day, her 2nd death anniversary, or our anniversary date. It doesn't matter though - if wearing a ring gives you comfort then enjoy the comfort - better then finding (no) comfort in a bottle!!

Feb 22nd 2013 new

(Quote) Jane-933948 said: Hi Al I am sorry for your loss as well as everyone here. I watched a show on EWTN with Johnette Be...
(Quote) Jane-933948 said:

Hi Al I am sorry for your loss as well as everyone here. I watched a show on EWTN with Johnette Benkovic and two other widows, they had a week long series on widowhood and she said that the earthly marriage was over and to take it off within a couple of months. I wore mine til I saw the show. Father Sylvia was also on and he said he recommends the same thing. I often visit our rings and miss wearing it. I used to wear both after my husband died. So I suppose it is whatever makes someone comfortable. Grief is a thing of time...different things happen at different times. In your own time.

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Respectfully I have to disagree with anyone who says there is a recipee for grief. What is wrong with finding comfort in wearing a ring? So what if it bothers someone else - if it brings YOU comfort then why stop? I know there were people who were deeply upset that it took me over a month to change the recording on MY answering machine because my late wife recorded it. So what, if it bothers you that much, then stop calling my house! Pretty simple, no? If you follow the argument that the earthly marriage is over, then why would anyone wear a wedding ring to the funeral, afterall the earthly marriage dies at the very instant that your spouse takes their last breath. So if it's OK to wear a ring 10 seconds, 10 minutes, 10 days after the death of the marriage, why is it not ok after x weeks?

I dear friend, and Nun was telling a group of us a story, and I think that a part of the story is very applicable to this discussion. I think the best answer to when, would be "Time will tell, only God knows!"


I do agree that wearing the ring is a symbol that your grief is still very raw, and needs maturing, and as such you're not ready to start dating. That said I'm sure most people would run the other way if you were wearing a wedding ring on a date.

Feb 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Al-939544 said: Lauren yeah I used to like my wife but it is clumsy especially on CM. I was not going to say my dece...
(Quote) Al-939544 said:

Lauren yeah I used to like my wife but it is clumsy especially on CM. I was not going to say my deceased wife, ex-wife or former wife and I than I notice what Linda and others do when they post and it make sense to me. It does not deny Geri's existence but it also informs others that I am acknowledging that I am not married anymore. I can tell you from experience it did not go well when I responded to a question from a “never married” person via emotigram and I included the phrase “my wife”.

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I love that you didn't include the statement "my late wife", everytime someone mentions my late husband I still will look at a clock as he was ALWAYS late, including for our wedding. It's a funny use of the word. I have only been out with or corresponded with a few men in the 11.5 years since he died but I always tell them his name so they know who I'm referencing if his name comes up, I or someone else mentions him. By the way, his name is Levent! Funny thing, I just wrote this and when I read again before posting I was tempted to change 'is' to 'was' before his name. I turned and ask my daughter (almost 12) a kinda adult question..."I asked her 'if I'm telling somone's your dad's name do I say his name is or was Levent' Without blinking she said "IS". He is still my dad, it's not like I have another dad and he was dad before." I love the logic of children and I agree with her.

Feb 24th 2013 new

Well Ale, throughout this week I have still been pondering the ring issue. I decided to search the scriptures remembering vagely some words. I did mediate on scripture, commentaries and even a Bible dictionary, and discussed all what transpired with my parish priest. I am grateful this topic came up when it did.

As a result, my engagement and wedding ring returned to my wedding finger for now. If God does have another husband for me, I will remove these when I am introduced to him. As far as availability goes, well I figure that God will let this wonderful person know that I am available and He will also let me know that this person is interested in getting to know me, thereby giving me an opportunity to take the rings off and begin a new relationship.

For now I am Ernie's widow, perhaps even to my grave, without another marriage.

I am very comfortable and happy with this.

Feb 26th 2013 new

I took my ring off a few weeks after my husband died thinking "That is what you do" but it had been a part of me for 35 years. I always missed it. So when our anniversary came I ended up putting it back on. It reminds me of him and our happy life together. I don't think I need to give him up to meet someone new or would I want them to forget about there late wife. Just because you are starting a new chapter in your life does not mean you have to forget about your last chapter.

Feb 26th 2013 new

(Quote) Ray-566531 said:...However, once a person wants to be known as being available, the rings should be removed. Others could e...
(Quote) Ray-566531 said:...However, once a person wants to be known as being available, the rings should be removed. Others could easily fear, and jusifiably so, an unending connection with a previous spouse.
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Exactly. clap If you can't give away* the ring, you are not ready to give yourself completely to someone new.




* Not literally. Save it for when your kid marries.

Feb 26th 2013 new

(Quote) Donna-948811 said:. I don't think I need to give him up to meet someone new or would I want them to forget about there ...
(Quote) Donna-948811 said:. I don't think I need to give him up to meet someone new or would I want them to forget about there late wife. Just because you are starting a new chapter in your life does not mean you have to forget about your last chapter.
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Personally, I don't expect a man to "forget" his late wife, but I want his attention to be on ME and US -- just as I've put my memories of my husband in the back of my mind so I can be free to focus on Someone New.



Sorry...I've seen too many instances where someone remarried before they were really ready...and the new spouse usually bears the brunt of it.

Feb 26th 2013 new

(Quote) Marge-938695 said: Exactly. If you can't give away* the ring, you are not ready to give yourself completely to someone ...
(Quote) Marge-938695 said: Exactly. If you can't give away* the ring, you are not ready to give yourself completely to someone new. * Not literally. Save it for when your kid marries.
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I did give my son mine and my late husband's wedding rings when he married. They had an especially sweet sentiment for him. I'm really glad that I did it.

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