(Quote) Pauline-931463 said:
It's past midnight; 1240 in the morning, where I am (Australia) but today is a night I cann...
(Quote) Pauline-931463 said:
It's past midnight; 1240 in the morning, where I am (Australia) but today is a night I cannot sleep. I feel I have to keep vigil like I kept for the last 2 years. My beloved husband passed away in my arms exactly 2 years ago at 120 am. In the first few months, I kept vigil each month at 120 am. Then after a few months, I was able to sleep on the night of the 25th/26th. However on the anniversary day, I feel guilty to be sleeping at the time he died. So I stay awake; in a few minutes I will lie in bed and pray and in the morning I will be going to mass and then to his grave.
Does anyone feel this way - or have to keep vigil at the time they died.
Despite this I'm feeling a strange feeling, a sense of numbness; I am sad yet in a weird way I am at peace. At peace because I know my beloved is free - in his Father's arms, where he belongs. Over the past few years when he was sick and since he passed away, I have journeyed a rough painful road, but am a better person. My faith has been tested and I have found that God is with me, he will not leave me alone.
Yet at times, I doubt,(regarding my readiness); Does this mean I am not ready to move on? I prayed before I decided that I wanted to remarry. I want to be open to God's will in my life.
So what are your thoughts on this? ie readiness to go ahead, yet knowing that there will be times I will be stuck.
Please keep me in your prayers.
Pauline -- this isn't meant to be critical by any means -- just a few things to think about. It's not unusual for people to do things that might seem unusual with respect to their lost spouses.
I have to ask though, what did staying up deliberately accomplish? Did it do you any good physically to be sleep deprived? Was it out of a sense of loyalty? Survivor's guillt feelings? Obligation? It appears that this vigil gradually diminished. Yes, there will still be days in the future when you will just feel "out of sorts", and often it will be connected to some important event during your married life -- a birthday, an anniversary, date of loss, and others. My own experience is that on each month's "anniversary date", I would feel a bit out of it, not sleep well. This lasted each month for about 6 months, then got better. Over it completely? Not at all.
It's been nearly 4 years, and I have vivid recollections of the evening she passed away, as if it were yesterday. As time has passed, married life seems like something that was light years ago.
It will take time -- allow yourself that. Don't feel as if you have to stifle those occasional bouts of overwhelming grief. You need to work it out. Even while maintaining a positive attitude there will be setbacks. This can occur even if you remarry.
Are you ready to move on? Well, it seems you're making a lot of progress in that direction, but are you comfortable with the idea of spending an unknown number of years with another man without having memories of your late husband dominate your thoughts? That wouldn't be fair to either of you. There's a certain comfort level that must be reached before you are truly ready. In the meantime, continue to re-invent yourself as a single person -- strong, confident, and with sufficient self-esteem.
It will happen -- in time. There's no rule etched in stone about this. 4-5 years isn't unusual. If after that much time has elapsed though and you find yourself not having moved forward, you might consider professional help. That's not unusual either. Just try to be at your best physically, emotionally and spiritually.