I've never posted on here before, but I've reached a snag in my life where I need help, prayers, and counsel.
It's a long story, but I'll try to make it short. Basically, I met this girl, and everything was going perfect for several weeks, in fact, too perfect. Out everyone I've met in my life, travels, and browsed online, this girl surpassed everyone in a way I didn't think possible before. She was so similar to me (on the inside), it was scary. Not only were we on the same page on faith and politics, but it seemed like we shared the exact same way of thinking. Our values, interests, desires, and humor matched perfectly. For the first time, I've met someone who can understand and identify with every part of my personality (something not even my family or my friends can do, since there's always some part of me I can't relate with them). I think only God could possibly know me better at this point. And while I don't want to fall into superstition, I can't help but notice all sorts of coincidences that happened that really don't seem like coincidences. All that, plus I felt a great sense of holiness come over me, which I have never felt before in the past. This girl could easily be my best friend. Everything seemed like it was too good to be true until I got her note a couple of weeks ago.
Unfortunately, I was selfish, stupid, and full of pride and vanity. I wanted answers in my time instead of God's time, and my glory in front of God's glory. And so at the end of our first "official" date (though we knew eachother fairly well beforehand so it felt more like a 6th date), I kept pressing the idea that she should be my girlfriend and not see anyone else, without considering how she felt, and it scared her because the idea came too fast. In my arrogance, I didn't listen to her conerns. The next day I was told that after much prayer, she decided she didn't want to speak to me again. I could sense a lot of fear and conflict in her, in what she wrote. This is all thanks to my stupidity and impatience. Looking back, I can live without courting her. That's a matter of this world, not the next. But I feel like she has a unique gift, in that she knows the workings of my mind so well, that God can use that to help me in my journey to heaven (and vice-versa). And I'm certain she has something to say which concerns my soul, but she is afraid to tell me. The loss of spiritual growth and the graces God was giving me through our conversations is what I lament the most.
I tried sending a letter of apology, and I said I can accept there not being a romantic relationship, and I'd like to keep in touch for spiritual discussions and prayer support if nothing more. But the USPS has been as reliable as a certain fat man who runs an inn in Bree, and I know it was never delievered (based on the tracking).
And for all that said, I still have a deep and intense desire in my heart to pray for her, and help in any way I can to get her to heaven. I feel that is more important to me than anything right now. As much as I may try to forget about her, or tell myself that I am better off because she won't demand this or that, I realize that all my reasons are silly because the supposed "relief" would put me on a path away from God. While we had some differences, I realized those differences were things that I knew would have improved me and helped me to get to heaven. That doesn't make me feel happy, it just makes me feel worse because I realize more and more what I have lost.
Another problem is that I feel like my standards have been raised ridiculously high because of this. For whatever reason, I came back here to CM and as I browse around, apparently there's nothing (no offense to any nice ladies out there, but some people can be friends only, nothing more). It sounds cliche, but I can't feel the spark. No, it was more than an ordinary spark. It was more like a very deep calling in my heart to trust in God, and I've never felt it before or since meeting this girl. It seems that now that I know what God can offer, there's no going back to the old ways. I've realized that I can't settle for someone that just shares my views on faith and politics and just "tolerates" everything else. I need someone who can identify with all that I am, where I can be totally myself, where I don't have to hide anything. And what's more, I feel like I need that same feeling of God speaking to my heart and pulling me to a person again if I'm ever going to date someone. I can't describe it, or I don't know how to. All I can say is that there's so many people I would have dated before this happened, but now I feel that I just can't consider them anymore. I pray that girl doesn't end up settling for less either. But I suppose God has to have a plan.
I've been slowly reclaiming my life, but it's hard when everything you do, everything that interests you, everything you love, and everything that surrounds you is a reminder of what once was. I guess that's a problem when you find someone so eerily similar to you. It seems like there's no refuge from the memories. It's like trying to run away from yourself. Not to mention, every time I pray and try to talk to God, I am reminded of her and I feel a desire to pray for her safety.
I'm really lost as to what to do. Unfortunately, it seems the only person strong in faith I could turn to in a time like this (besides my confessor whom I have already consulted twice in very long conversations) happens to be the young lady in question. And so that's why I've come here. Has anyone had an experience like this before? I'm trying to trust in God, I know He is testing me, but it's hard. Thoughts?