This is such an appropriate topic. As just in the last few days I've kind of accepted the fact that maybe the rest of my life is meant to be alone. I must admit I truly rebel against that idea. But, at the same time, I am not sure I am ready to have another serious relationship. I am miserably lonely especially late at night, even though I have many many friends and almost always have something to do with other people. I enjoy my time with them but I come home and it slams into me again that I truly have this huge gaping hole in my soul. I know I could probably find someone to fill it to pretend that it isn't there, but that wouldn't be fair to myself nor the other person. I know that when I do meet a companion that I want to enjoy him and love him as himself and not as a substitute. I just said to my mother that I am having to face the fact that perhaps I will be single for the rest of my life.
I am lonely. I am lonely even with my friends. When I learned that my paper is being published my first thought was tell Petey he'll be so proud, even picked up the phone and then wham the hurt and the pain and the loss. And, worse than being lonely I am so incredibly sad, a deep, sense of sorrow that just permeates my being.
I just wrote about this earlier on my facebook page. I have realized that I have been changed irrevocably on an elemental level and I will never be the same. I literally felt as if the left side of my body had been amputated and was just this gelatinous shell for weeks and weeks, I feel more solid now but it is still there that loss. Everyone tells me it never really goes away but it gets better with time. I remember the process from losing so many others but none of them come anywhere near comparing to this loss. And, to be honest the idea of carrying this aching loss for the next fifty years is terrifying.
I'm sorry not being very positive :-(. I have learned I am stronger than I ever wanted to be. I have learned that even in the midst of my own pain, I can see and care for others in pain. I have learned I can fix the plumbing, mow the lawn, use a saw and a drill, get the tires taken care of and the oil changed. I have learned that one really can continue breathing and living with the most horrendous wound of all in their being. I have learned that my friends love me and don't want me to be sad, so they try really hard to keep me distracted lol. I have learned that I have a little bit of Pete's spirit in that I can cut ties and stand up for myself in ways I never had to before. I have learned that I have a lot of love yet to give. I have learned I can laugh and enjoy life while weeping at the same time.
I spent most of the day in tears, one of those days. The eleven month mark is coming up. My son is deployed and was supposed to be home in four days and now his deployment has been extended indefinitely. He's supposed to be getting married in June? I came to the realization that I am changed and that I may very well remain single the rest of my life, even though that idea is not pleasing to me at all. . .and I miss even the things that sometimes annoyed me about Pete lol. . .and something odd I've noticed, I don't know if anyone else has noticed this. . .everything smells different, I smell different, and I can't find anything that smells like Pete anymore. I have his cologne but it isn't quite the same as how it smelled on him. . .
Sorry I wish this was more positive, I meant it to be. . .perhaps mine is still too fresh :-(((