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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Donna-848472 said: (Quote) Lauren-927923 said: I wonder why making the space our own seems to be an ...
(Quote) Donna-848472 said:

[quote]Lauren-927923 said: I wonder why making the space our own seems to be an important theme?

Hi Lauren:

Perhaps because we are the ones left...and we need to carry on...this may be one way to help us and give us the courage and confidence that we will be O.K.

--hide--

That could be :-). I know it was really important to me and I had a vision of what I wanted it to be like. I must have looked at twenty or thirty houses and when I walked into the one I bought I just knew this was it. I hadn't even wanted to look at this one, but my daughter kept insisting so to make her happy we added it to the list, we had no sooner gotten there and it started pouring rain. Pete and I had downsized everything, stayed with my mother for a bit, then moved back home and stayed with our married daughter. We were making plans for when I finished school and we had no idea where in the world we might end up. So I literally had nothing but a bed, Pete's tools and our clothes. My books and bookshelves are still stored at my mom's. My daughter and son-in-law didn't want me to move but it seemed almost urgent. LOL, then once I bought the house, furnished it, it took me two months to actually live at my house LOL. I had never ever lived alone. I moved from my parent's house the day we married and we shared a house with my brother and his girlfriend at first, then we had kiddos and Pete's brother lived with us for several years. My friend Simone asked me if I was going to just use the house as a party house or actually live there lol. Once I did move in I didn't want to leave it. I wanted it to be comfortable and safe. . .a sanctuary. Guess I pulled it off lol.

Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Lauren-927923 said: HiBeverly, This is such an appropriate topic. As just in the last few days I've kind ...
(Quote) Lauren-927923 said:

HiBeverly,

This is such an appropriate topic. As just in the last few days I've kind of accepted the fact that maybe the rest of my life is meant to be alone. I must admit I truly rebel against that idea. But, at the same time, I am not sure I am ready to have another serious relationship. I am miserably lonely especially late at night, even though I have many many friends and almost always have something to do with other people. I enjoy my time with them but I come home and it slams into me again that I truly have this huge gaping hole in my soul. I know I could probably find someone to fill it to pretend that it isn't there, but that wouldn't be fair to myself nor the other person. I know that when I do meet a companion that I want to enjoy him and love him as himself and not as a substitute. I just said to my mother that I am having to face the fact that perhaps I will be single for the rest of my life.

I am lonely. I am lonely even with my friends. When I learned that my paper is being published my first thought was tell Petey he'll be so proud, even picked up the phone and then wham the hurt and the pain and the loss. And, worse than being lonely I am so incredibly sad, a deep, sense of sorrow that just permeates my being.

I just wrote about this earlier on my facebook page. I have realized that I have been changed irrevocably on an elemental level and I will never be the same. I literally felt as if the left side of my body had been amputated and was just this gelatinous shell for weeks and weeks, I feel more solid now but it is still there that loss. Everyone tells me it never really goes away but it gets better with time. I remember the process from losing so many others but none of them come anywhere near comparing to this loss. And, to be honest the idea of carrying this aching loss for the next fifty years is terrifying.

I'm sorry not being very positive :-(. I have learned I am stronger than I ever wanted to be. I have learned that even in the midst of my own pain, I can see and care for others in pain. I have learned I can fix the plumbing, mow the lawn, use a saw and a drill, get the tires taken care of and the oil changed. I have learned that one really can continue breathing and living with the most horrendous wound of all in their being. I have learned that my friends love me and don't want me to be sad, so they try really hard to keep me distracted lol. I have learned that I have a little bit of Pete's spirit in that I can cut ties and stand up for myself in ways I never had to before. I have learned that I have a lot of love yet to give. I have learned I can laugh and enjoy life while weeping at the same time.

I spent most of the day in tears, one of those days. The eleven month mark is coming up. My son is deployed and was supposed to be home in four days and now his deployment has been extended indefinitely. He's supposed to be getting married in June? I came to the realization that I am changed and that I may very well remain single the rest of my life, even though that idea is not pleasing to me at all. . .and I miss even the things that sometimes annoyed me about Pete lol. . .and something odd I've noticed, I don't know if anyone else has noticed this. . .everything smells different, I smell different, and I can't find anything that smells like Pete anymore. I have his cologne but it isn't quite the same as how it smelled on him. . .

Sorry I wish this was more positive, I meant it to be. . .perhaps mine is still too fresh :-(((

--hide--
Laureen.. you made my cry...I am very lonely too.... I will pray for you. Praying rosary hug

Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Martha-945168 said: Laureen.. you made my cry...I am very lonely too.... I will pray for you.
(Quote) Martha-945168 said:

Laureen.. you made my cry...I am very lonely too.... I will pray for you.

--hide--

I'm sorry Martha :-(, hugs and I will pray for you, too.

Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Marita-847688 said: I was just curious because people say that you have to be okay being single before God ...
(Quote) Marita-847688 said:

I was just curious because people say that you have to be okay being single before God will give you a husband. It almost seems ironic. If you're okay being single, wouldn't your heart not want marriage? Therefore, if someone came along, would you decide you don't want to marry him because you are okay with being single? Or is it okay to want a husband and occasionally feel lonely but you have to be okay living by yourself first? Which makes the whole discernment process weird because if you decide marriage is for you, then you obviously want marriage. Therefore, are you not okay with being single?

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Marita, it sounds ironic but it is true. When you accept being single and are OK with it, you are accepting the "now" and you are accepting your situation as it is. "Always be joyful, then, in the Lord; I repeat, be joyful." Phil 4:4. The Christian or biblical meaning of joy is more that just happiness. It is the assurance that we are loved by God and that he is faithful to his promises and" that in all things God works for good with those who love him; those whom he has called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28)

So being joyful is believing and holding on to hope that God has our best interests. fluffy fluffy

So rather that wait for the time when a man comes into my life to make me happy, I rejoice now because I know God has great plans for me. This does not mean that I am not sad at times, I often have times when I miss my deceased husband and there are certain times eg his death anniversary, our wedding anniversary etc when I am sad sad and I even cry. But even at these times I am joyful, because in my heart I know God loves me and understands my pain. I am not looking for another man to take away this pain. Even though it gets less, this pain will be part of my life. Just like a mother who loses her child, she may have more children and yet there will be times when she will miss and be sad at the loss of her child. Yet she is able to love her other children.

It is OK to want to marry, but do not believe that you need a man to be happy. You can be joyful right now. And this only comes from accepting that God has a plan and a time for everything. I do not know if that means I will marry again, but I am happy as I am. biggrin biggrin biggrin





Mar 18th 2013 new

HI Donna,

I too lost my husband two years ago (Feb 2011) and only recently I have started to get back to doing things around the house. I too feel tired doing all the jobs around the house. But each day I am getting stronger and like you I pray to our God and I remember the words "on eagles wings" when I am tired. And like you I claim his promises, "With Christ, I can do all things." And then I get my strength again. My backyard which was neglected for 4 years and overgrown ( I was busy being a carer and a mother and then grieving); is now cleaned. I enjoy sitting in my backyard now rose rose . My house is getting organised and I am proud of my achievements.

I think what does not breaks us builds us and we are stronger and better persons after all that we have been through -like silver refined. God bless you sister. hug hug


Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Lauren-927923 said: Hi Beverly, I have realized that I have been changed irrevocably on an elemental level a...
(Quote) Lauren-927923 said:

Hi Beverly,

I have realized that I have been changed irrevocably on an elemental level and I will never be the same. I literally felt as if the left side of my body had been amputated and was just this gelatinous shell for weeks and weeks, I feel more solid now but it is still there that loss. Everyone tells me it never really goes away but it gets better with time. I remember the process from losing so many others but none of them come anywhere near comparing to this loss. And, to be honest the idea of carrying this aching loss for the next fifty years is terrifying.

I'm sorry not being very positive :-(. I have learned I am stronger than I ever wanted to be. I have learned that even in the midst of my own pain, I can see and care for others in pain. I have learned I can fix the plumbing, mow the lawn, use a saw and a drill, get the tires taken care of and the oil changed. I have learned that one really can continue breathing and living with the most horrendous wound of all in their being. I have learned that my friends love me and don't want me to be sad, so they try really hard to keep me distracted lol. I have learned that I have a little bit of Pete's spirit in that I can cut ties and stand up for myself in ways I never had to before. I have learned that I have a lot of love yet to give. I have learned I can laugh and enjoy life while weeping at the same time.

I spent most of the day in tears, one of those days. The eleven month mark is coming up. My son is deployed and was supposed to be home in four days and now his deployment has been extended indefinitely. He's supposed to be getting married in June? I came to the realization that I am changed and that I may very well remain single the rest of my life, even though that idea is not pleasing to me at all. . .and I miss even the things that sometimes annoyed me about Pete lol. . .and something odd I've noticed, I don't know if anyone else has noticed this. . .everything smells different, I smell different, and I can't find anything that smells like Pete anymore. I have his cologne but it isn't quite the same as how it smelled on him. . .

Sorry I wish this was more positive, I meant it to be. . .perhaps mine is still too fresh :-(((

--hide--


HI Lauren

You describe the grieving process so well. It does get better but it is true - we were one and we are amputated or torn apart when one dies. Yet wounds heal and we heal. You are amazing to achieve so much in such a short time. I too have made my home my own sanctuary - my space. When we are married we change, and when our partner dies, we change again. Each phase is a growing phase. I too have learnt to stand up for myself. And yes we have a lot of love to give.

God Bless you Lauren Praying hug


Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Beverly-936499 said: Pauline, I probably have more tools and equipment now than most contractors - and I learned how...
(Quote) Beverly-936499 said:

Pauline, I probably have more tools and equipment now than most contractors - and I learned how to use them. And, it's fun!!! Now I understand why guys like them so much.

I have a real angel story. It happened after my first husband passed away. I have to admit - I did not pay the bills, I did not take out the garbage, I did not put gas in the cars or take them for oil changes. In fact, after he passed away I didn't know where to find the garbage bags for the garbage bins, and I remember sitting down at the kitchen table and crying over that one. Probably every creditor in those first months got checks with tear stained writing on them as I would make out bills, as when I sat down to do it I was completely overwhelmed. I didn't know who we owed, didn't know how much money we had or even in which accounts it was...........

I learned to clear out an acre of trees and overgrowth that my husband had cut, but had not had time to clear. I learned to re-glaze and seal outside windows on the house. To do just about anything I needed to do.

I've never forgotten that woman. I think about her on almost a daily basis. She was my angel.

--hide--


Thanks Beverly. biggrin Even though my husband and I shared jobs around the house, and even though I had taken over doing most of the responsibilities when he was sick; when he actually died, I was numb and in shock. I cannot recollect large chunks of the first year. However slowly I am learning to do things that I never thought I would do. I too now have a collection of tools and I am proud of and enjoy doing stuff around the house when I have the time. The story of your angel is so heartwarming. Thank you for sharing it. You get a Gold Star!

Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Jim-13836 said: Forgive me for being a bit nosy here but how did you get to that spot of trust and assurance He would work ...
(Quote) Jim-13836 said: Forgive me for being a bit nosy here but how did you get to that spot of trust and assurance He would work it out?
--hide--



It's not nosey - I just don't want to bore everybody with the long drawn out details of the particulars. But I will say that it's been a path over the course of three years in which I can look back now and see specific incidents and a series of events that I know now were providential. The event that is taking place now is one that bordered on the impossible - and that is the sale of a broke business. I had to give up a fight to keep it alive. I had to be willing to acknowledge that I was going to lose my retirement income that went into it. I had to be okay with that. I had to give up my rationalizations that everything I was doing to keep it alive were intentionally good, but recognizing that I could not possibly move forward to a better place in my life unless I was willing to let go the money, the work, the dissapointments, and most of all my will. it's been about a year and a half of getting there. One morning several months ago, I just surrendered it all. When I did, things started falling into place. I have had to keep praying my trust and reliance. It's not a magic carpet ride. It's been more about being at the bottom and looking up because there was no where else to look. I just came to understand that he knew more about my need than I did, and I got to a place where I was willing to let him take over and get out of his way. Lots of prayer. Lots of prayer. Lots of prayer. And I asked others to pray for his will in this too.

Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Lauren-927923 said:
(Quote) Lauren-927923 said:

--hide--
The eleven month mark is coming up.

Kudos to you!!

It took me over a year to get to the point of not having "teary eyed" breakdowns. Since I had 2 kids at home, I always had my beakdowns in in private. I always managed to keep the smile on my face even though the insides were shaking. I can remember taking my kids on a cruise in the first year after my husband's death, we were scattered all over the ship and I was sitting at a lounge where the man at the bar was playing "Hey Jude". (Jude=Judie, husbands favorite Beatles) I LOST IT - I tried to keep cool, no I just ran out. After about a hour, I returned to the lounge and then the singer was singing to me that old Charlie Rich song "Hey, did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world, and if you did was she crying" Talk about wanting to crawl into a hole...I thought I was all that, taking my kids on a cruise all by myself and telling myself I can do this...oh well. Last summer I took my son to Chicago for a family wedding, yes we got lost going to the car rental place and I didn't break down once taking my son to the places where my husband and me use to go.

Don't rush things, it took me over 4 years to get the courage to actually get the nerve to even consider a site like this, let enough talk to some of these handsome men here.

Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Marita-847688 said: I'm praying for a spouse, but also for God's will. I am working on trying to be okay by ...
(Quote) Marita-847688 said:

I'm praying for a spouse, but also for God's will. I am working on trying to be okay by myself. How do you know the difference between being okay by yourself and then getting married versus not wanting to get married?

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And it just now occured to me that this is the Widow and Widowers forum.

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