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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

This is a situation I've encountered several times, in the three years I've been dating: a relationship develops to the point where we are seeing each other exclusively. The guy and I agree we both want a pure, holy Catholic friendship, time to discern if marriage is a possibility. Then the guy mentions he's still seeing a girlfriend with whom he's been intimate. He says they're "just friends," but he confides in her, or relies on her guidance, or she's not ready to let go. That's a huge red flag to me, that he's hanging on to an intimate relationship with another woman. At that point I ask him to decide whether he wants to let go of that past relationship, or stop seeing me. To me, there's nothing pure and holy in hanging on to a former partner with whom you've been intimate.


I'm not talking about ex-wives, where children are involved, just ex-girlfriends or wives, no children. The issue, to me, is purity. I know some people will say my standards are too high, but why should I be expected to be "one of many" if we're supposedly in an exclusive relationship? What do you think? Would like to get some guys' views on this as well. Can you let go of past intimate relationships?

Mar 24th 2013 new

(Quote) Barbara-689659 said: This is a situation I've encountered several times, in the three years I've been dating...
(Quote) Barbara-689659 said:

This is a situation I've encountered several times, in the three years I've been dating: a relationship develops to the point where we are seeing each other exclusively. The guy and I agree we both want a pure, holy Catholic friendship, time to discern if marriage is a possibility. Then the guy mentions he's still seeing a girlfriend with whom he's been intimate. He says they're "just friends," but he confides in her, or relies on her guidance, or she's not ready to let go. That's a huge red flag to me, that he's hanging on to an intimate relationship with another woman. At that point I ask him to decide whether he wants to let go of that past relationship, or stop seeing me. To me, there's nothing pure and holy in hanging on to a former partner with whom you've been intimate.


I'm not talking about ex-wives, where children are involved, just ex-girlfriends or wives, no children. The issue, to me, is purity. I know some people will say my standards are too high, but why should I be expected to be "one of many" if we're supposedly in an exclusive relationship? What do you think? Would like to get some guys' views on this as well. Can you let go of past intimate relationships?

--hide--


Your standards are not too high. I hear of this often. Please read the chastity thread in Single Life. There is a locked thread in over 45 on this very issue this past week. You are right to be concerned. Your spirit is sensing this is a man with a divided heart. I will pray for this problem to be exposed and for people on the forums to learn from this and for your healing. Most of us are still hurt from the past and our past loves. the longer we hold back from new friends, dates, contacts here, the longer we feel trapped. That guy is trapped. Praying Prayers for you Dear!

Mar 24th 2013 new

No---I dated someone from this site and intimacy was a component of our realtionship but not the biggest part. At our age is that not a componenet of a healthy realtionship. Low on the totem pole but a little important.



Mar 24th 2013 new

Barbara- People have trouble letting go due to hormones released during or at the culmination of sexual activity. You probably have heard of Oxytocin and Vasopressin. A woman has Oxytocin released during foreplay and sexual intercourse and the man has Vasopressin released at climax. So there you go. Those are our bonding chemicals, and we experience a spiritual tie to the person as well. Persons have to pray to break those ties in order to be able to move on. Praying Lots of us are walking around wounded due to the past involvement with others and are afraid to date now- perhaps due to these left over and unresolved feelings.

Mar 24th 2013 new

This is usually a life long struggle. This is why you and most of us keep running into this...

Mar 26th 2013 new

(Quote) Marian-83994 said: Barbara- People have trouble letting go due to hormones released during or at the culmination of ...
(Quote) Marian-83994 said:

Barbara- People have trouble letting go due to hormones released during or at the culmination of sexual activity. You probably have heard of Oxytocin and Vasopressin. A woman has Oxytocin released during foreplay and sexual intercourse and the man has Vasopressin released at climax. So there you go. Those are our bonding chemicals, and we experience a spiritual tie to the person as well. Persons have to pray to break those ties in order to be able to move on. Lots of us are walking around wounded due to the past involvement with others and are afraid to date now- perhaps due to these left over and unresolved feelings.

--hide--


This is a HUGE problem I'm experiencing right now. And why I now know that being intimate doesn't work unless you have the commitment of marrige. That chemical bond is a killer and hard to let go of.

Mar 26th 2013 new

(Quote) Susan-940526 said: (Quote) Marian-83994 said: Barbara- People have trouble letting go due to ...
(Quote) Susan-940526 said:

Quote:
Marian-83994 said:

Barbara- People have trouble letting go due to hormones released during or at the culmination of sexual activity. You probably have heard of Oxytocin and Vasopressin. A woman has Oxytocin released during foreplay and sexual intercourse and the man has Vasopressin released at climax. So there you go. Those are our bonding chemicals, and we experience a spiritual tie to the person as well. Persons have to pray to break those ties in order to be able to move on. Lots of us are walking around wounded due to the past involvement with others and are afraid to date now- perhaps due to these left over and unresolved feelings.



This is a HUGE problem I'm experiencing right now. And why I now know that being intimate doesn't work unless you have the commitment of marrige. That chemical bond is a killer and hard to let go of.

--hide--


It can be seen as an addiction. Knowing that it is chemical can help the mind and heart to deal with it. God is not too small for this.

Mar 26th 2013 new
Wow....this is a really difficult thing to go through. However, when it comes down to it. If this man loves you, he will seek another confidante. It would be different had he not been intimate, but really not too much different. You need to be a confidant, but if he can't go to you he should have another. But he might have to slowly let go. A really good one in this case may be a priest. A lot of people don't feel comfortable talking to their priest. But priests really do care a great deal. And I'm sure any holy man would be happy to take the role of confidant and spiritual adviser to help him. But it isn't fair or loving for him to keep a close relationship with a woman he's been intimate with. Partly because of the "near occasion of sin". I had a relative who was weak and slept with someone during a period of mourning. They wouldn't have done it except that they entered into a "near occasion of sin" during a difficult time. I think he should know that if your relationship gets difficult, it's very possible he could be tempted to go back to her and he needs to consider that BEFORE it happens. But if it were me, I would sit him down and tell him my concerns and that it is not about jealousy but about my concern for my relationship. Also the temptation that may come in, then I would propose a slow change of confidants. I would suggest a really good friend who may be both Catholic and private or a priest. Or perhaps even a family member. He may be defensive at the idea that he would be tempted to cheat on me. But I would stay calm and say that I trust him but that I realize how difficult temptation can be, and that the closeness of the relationship is making me uncomfortable and a little scared. Don't be afraid to let your emotions and feelings about him show....so that he knows it's about love....not about jealousy. I'll say a special prayer for you today.
Mar 26th 2013 new

Any guy who doesn't see why this is an election he must make to move foward toward marriage should not be getting married, IMHO.

Mar 26th 2013 new
(Quote) Marian-83994 said: Barbara- People have trouble letting go due to hormones released during or at the culmination of sexual activi...
(Quote) Marian-83994 said:

Barbara- People have trouble letting go due to hormones released during or at the culmination of sexual activity. You probably have heard of Oxytocin and Vasopressin. A woman has Oxytocin released during foreplay and sexual intercourse and the man has Vasopressin released at climax. So there you go. Those are our bonding chemicals, and we experience a spiritual tie to the person as well. Persons have to pray to break those ties in order to be able to move on. Lots of us are walking around wounded due to the past involvement with others and are afraid to date now- perhaps due to these left over and unresolved feelings.

--hide--


Wow Marian. I knew there are spiritual, and of course emotional, ties when people are intimate and that sometimes a person needs to be purged of that before moving on to a new relationship. But I had no idea it was chemical. That's even worse.
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