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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

Those who do too much FOR THE ex spouse and how it effects dating or remarriages.

I am talking about going beyond helping with the kids, paying child support, and being a parent either custodial or non custodial. I am talking about paying the ex's bills, doing their home repairs, running errands for them, being a shoulder for the ex to cry on. I have seen this happen, and I have seen it happen even AFTER the kids are grown. How can anyone have an open clean heart to have a new relationship when there is still a link that exists between the ex's that is more than being ex. Also, I am not talking about any kind of physical relationships, I am more talking about them still having connections.

I have been divorced/annulled for 10 years. My ex husband lives 10 minutes from me. I don't talk to him, I don't ask him for anything. I do not hate him, but our relationship with each other is that we are the parents of our kids. Maybe 3 times a year we do need to discuss something about the kids, but that is it. When WE were done, WE WERE done, DONE! I see profiles list that they are still good friends with the ex. That is fine or is it? I guess I would feel loved more if the man in my life was helping me clean my garage then him helping his ex clean her garage.

Mar 11th 2013 new

Sherry,


I just ran into a similar situation where the man I was dating was so busy trying to please his ex wife and daughter, that he kept cancelling dates at the last minute. After six months, I was tired of always being last on the list. You do want to meet someone who is "all in."


My ex and I have a cordial relationship, but we meet at weddings, births, etc. A few times a year is all thats needed, once the kids are grown.

Apr 6th 2013 new

(Quote) Sherry-338592 said: Those who do too much FOR THE ex spouse and how it effects dating or remarriages. I am ...
(Quote) Sherry-338592 said:

Those who do too much FOR THE ex spouse and how it effects dating or remarriages.

I am talking about going beyond helping with the kids, paying child support, and being a parent either custodial or non custodial. I am talking about paying the ex's bills, doing their home repairs, running errands for them, being a shoulder for the ex to cry on. I have seen this happen, and I have seen it happen even AFTER the kids are grown. How can anyone have an open clean heart to have a new relationship when there is still a link that exists between the ex's that is more than being ex. Also, I am not talking about any kind of physical relationships, I am more talking about them still having connections.

I have been divorced/annulled for 10 years. My ex husband lives 10 minutes from me. I don't talk to him, I don't ask him for anything. I do not hate him, but our relationship with each other is that we are the parents of our kids. Maybe 3 times a year we do need to discuss something about the kids, but that is it. When WE were done, WE WERE done, DONE! I see profiles list that they are still good friends with the ex. That is fine or is it? I guess I would feel loved more if the man in my life was helping me clean my garage then him helping his ex clean her garage.

--hide--


Sounds like those women are More than foolish!

Apr 6th 2013 new
Too much for the ex = In love with her
Apr 6th 2013 new
(Quote) Lilia-959452 said: Too much for the ex = In love with her
(Quote) Lilia-959452 said: Too much for the ex = In love with her
--hide--


...or perhaps feelings of guilt??
Apr 7th 2013 new

I've been divorced for three years now, and I was the one to make the break. (long story, but involved his addiction) It depends a lot on the circumstances and the reasons for the divorce, I would guess. But one thing I've learned in several years of therapy is that there IS such a thing as an addiction to a person. I learned that when you live with an addict for a long time, you become codependant or "co-addicted." This means that everything is tailored to the addict's needs, dreams, habits, moods, and perhaps to avoid abuse or outbursts.

I'm not saying that every ex is addicted to his/her ex-spouse, just that this could be one among a gazillion reasons. Been there, done with that. "Healthy detachment" is an art, to be learned as you go, and perhaps with lots of help from books or therapists. God bless!

Apr 7th 2013 new
(Quote) Meg-920823 said: ...or perhaps feelings of guilt??
(Quote) Meg-920823 said:

...or perhaps feelings of guilt??
--hide--
Ok, let me then rephrase: Too much for the ex = Not over the relationship = Feelings (even guilt) = RUN!
Apr 7th 2013 new
(Quote) Lilia-959452 said: Ok, let me then rephrase: Too much for the ex = Not over the relationship = Feelings (even guilt) = RUN!
(Quote) Lilia-959452 said: Ok, let me then rephrase:

Too much for the ex = Not over the relationship = Feelings (even guilt) = RUN!
--hide--


Lilia, I totally agree...whatever the reason....run....
Apr 7th 2013 new
Oh my this hits home I lived it . Being a remarried dad of 3 1 girl twin boys. When you get divorced the judge said you two have to work together raising the 3 children nothing here is cast in stone be flexible for the kids 50/50. Remarriage wife for some reason couldn't handle this. Hated my exwife bad mouth her every chance she got. All I did was helping the kids , there needs school & sports. I was not absent dad. Kids sence things that we adults don't . One day my daughter was not dressed for church looking right . So I ask her to change . After church she called friend mom pick her up. I my daughter has not come back that's been 5 yrs now. As a result of this I lost my 50/50 My children's mom found out she had breast cancer she beat that. As it turns out the remarriage wife was not telling the truth & was not willing to get help for herself . Here is where the nightmare came into play . Come from work Friday night go to bedroom stay in bed till Monday work . After one year we divorced on good terms. I told her to seek help her moods changed like the weather never knowing what to exspect when you arrived home from work. I went to her EAP appointment they said she bipolar treats . But a few days afterwards she xld the appointments . That was 3 1/2 yrs ago. Haven't herd from her since. As far as my children goes there doing great . My daughter is going to nursing school in the fall. The twin boys are doing what 12 yr old boys do . Now that there older I'm going to take them Rome & other places the our virgin mother has showen herself. Since we can fly for free. I just got there passports . Use my Airline benifits !
Apr 8th 2013 new

This is a very timely post for me. Emotions are still quite raw so I don't want to reveal anything more but all I can say is "divorce sucks" and it ruins families. God never intended for families to be ripped apart by divorce.

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