Tracy, I pray for your grandbabies and you in your grief. Please pray for me in mine. I am grateful for many things, but I will never be blessed with children. I have two in Heaven with my husband. It just gets really painful and lonely. I had a little meltdown yesterday. I was frustrated and trying to fix something in the house and I yelled out at God. I know immature huh. But I was mad and frustrated and sometimes I get mad at Him. My whole marriage was wracked with many pains but my husband never had much relief. So he was the one that suffered., truly. But then God helped me and my problem was fixed within minutes of me throwing in the towel. God is good. God is love. Thanks for letting me vent here.
Vent away, Jane. Isn't it amazing what relief there is after venting? I remember one time the year after David died that I bought a large piece of furniture...one of my meager efforts at "going on with life" during that first year. Before his death, I would have never considered moving a piece of furniture...that was his job. Well I got such a great deal at the antique shop that I thought surely I could move it once I got it home using our dollies. OH MY GOODNESS...that thing must have weighed a ton. I pushed and shoved and fell down a few times...and finally I screamed at God and David...at that time I was more mad at David for leaving me and forcing me to have to do move furniture, figure out how what to do with a leaky faucet, negotiate alone to purchase a house (we were downsizing when he left), mow the yard AND trim the bushes...and the list goes on and on. I am so glad David and God have forgiven me for my rant that day and others. It was loud and ugly. And, after all the ranting...I finally had to accept defeat and call for help. The best I could do was get the darn thing on it's side on the floor. I couldn't even stand it up!
Thankfully, as you said, Jane, God is good and God is love...and has left behind (after all my crying, screaming and ranting) a beautiful peace that really does pass all understanding. And, I have given up trying to do all those things David did. They either don't get done, I hire a handy man, or one of my kids or my Dad shows up and says, "Why the heck haven't you had that done?"...yes you guessed it...they don't ask that question unless they plan on fixing it.
I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time, Jane, and so glad you are sharing your experience with us. We are all different in so many ways, but I have found that overwhelmingly most of us are kind and compassionate, and pretty good listeners. Please know that you are in my prayers.