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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

Feb 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Jane-933948 said: Tracy, I pray for your grandbabies and you in your grief. Please pray for me in mine. I am gratefu...
(Quote) Jane-933948 said:

Tracy, I pray for your grandbabies and you in your grief. Please pray for me in mine. I am grateful for many things, but I will never be blessed with children. I have two in Heaven with my husband. It just gets really painful and lonely. I had a little meltdown yesterday. I was frustrated and trying to fix something in the house and I yelled out at God. I know immature huh. But I was mad and frustrated and sometimes I get mad at Him. My whole marriage was wracked with many pains but my husband never had much relief. So he was the one that suffered., truly. But then God helped me and my problem was fixed within minutes of me throwing in the towel. God is good. God is love. Thanks for letting me vent here.

--hide--



Vent away, Jane. Isn't it amazing what relief there is after venting? I remember one time the year after David died that I bought a large piece of furniture...one of my meager efforts at "going on with life" during that first year. Before his death, I would have never considered moving a piece of furniture...that was his job. Well I got such a great deal at the antique shop that I thought surely I could move it once I got it home using our dollies. OH MY GOODNESS...that thing must have weighed a ton. I pushed and shoved and fell down a few times...and finally I screamed at God and David...at that time I was more mad at David for leaving me and forcing me to have to do move furniture, figure out how what to do with a leaky faucet, negotiate alone to purchase a house (we were downsizing when he left), mow the yard AND trim the bushes...and the list goes on and on. I am so glad David and God have forgiven me for my rant that day and others. It was loud and ugly. And, after all the ranting...I finally had to accept defeat and call for help. The best I could do was get the darn thing on it's side on the floor. I couldn't even stand it up!

Thankfully, as you said, Jane, God is good and God is love...and has left behind (after all my crying, screaming and ranting) a beautiful peace that really does pass all understanding. And, I have given up trying to do all those things David did. They either don't get done, I hire a handy man, or one of my kids or my Dad shows up and says, "Why the heck haven't you had that done?"...yes you guessed it...they don't ask that question unless they plan on fixing it.


I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time, Jane, and so glad you are sharing your experience with us. We are all different in so many ways, but I have found that overwhelmingly most of us are kind and compassionate, and pretty good listeners. Please know that you are in my prayers.


In Christ,


Elizabeth

Apr 11th 2013 new
I too am trying to figure out who I am now that my late husband has passed. I think it sounds strange to call him late. He isn't really late, he just isn't coming at all anymore. But honestly I have been seeing a grief counselor since last July. I needed someone who have some objectivity to look at me honestly and give me some objective feedback. But I also know how it feels when people can't talk to you or even listen to you talk about your new situation. Anyone who is in a successful marriage knows intellectually that its likely that eventually one of them will have to deal with the loss of their spouse. But as they watch us struggle, often they realize that it must be incredibly painful and they really don't want to deal with it so the relationship changes. I have changed my views and beliefs as time has passed since Ben's death. But my faith has not changed. I never got mad - not at my husband and not at God, not even at the doctors. I wasn't mad, I was truly heartbroken. So many people say that you have to go through an anger stage, but I haven't and prefer not to, if given the option. I'm not convinced that it would be helpful for me Instead I continue to challenge myself to grow and improve in spite of my loss and my (temporarily) "broken" condition. I think being willing to learn and improve and change is better for me. If I feel I am moving forward, even with baby steps then I feel I am getting better. At times my attempts fall short, but my resolve to try again keeps me going.
Apr 11th 2013 new

I have been widowed 5 almost 6 years now; my first 10 months I was not wrapped too tight. I look for someone that is a catholic regardless of previous married status

Apr 11th 2013 new

(Quote) Marge-938695 said: Some very wise words!Too many widow(er)s expect too much of themselves too soon. You have...
(Quote) Marge-938695 said:

Some very wise words!

Too many widow(er)s expect too much of themselves too soon. You have to figure out who "I" am now that "I" am no longer part of "us". IT TAKES TIME.

I personally look for widowers and never-marrieds (because I'm reluctant to deal with an annulled man's crazy ex-wife). The way I see it:

- the fact that a man never married does not indicate that he doesn't understand how to have a relationship

- the fact that I was successfully married means I do understand, and lends patience to the process.

--hide--
Marge -- with an annulment situation, both parties are granted an annulment (at least to my understanding). Therefore, it makes it difficult to determine which one of them was actually crazy. scratchchin

Apr 11th 2013 new

(Quote) Jane-933948 said: Tracy, I pray for your grandbabies and you in your grief. Please pray for me in mine. I am gratefu...
(Quote) Jane-933948 said:

Tracy, I pray for your grandbabies and you in your grief. Please pray for me in mine. I am grateful for many things, but I will never be blessed with children. I have two in Heaven with my husband. It just gets really painful and lonely. I had a little meltdown yesterday. I was frustrated and trying to fix something in the house and I yelled out at God. I know immature huh. But I was mad and frustrated and sometimes I get mad at Him. My whole marriage was wracked with many pains but my husband never had much relief. So he was the one that suffered., truly. But then God helped me and my problem was fixed within minutes of me throwing in the towel. God is good. God is love. Thanks for letting me vent here.

--hide--
Jane -- You can vent your frustrations to the Good Lord. He can handle it. If you think about it, it's a form of prayer -- you're conversing (communicating) with God. And, of course, you can always vent here as well. Sometimes that's what a person needs to do.

Apr 11th 2013 new

My point was, annulled still = divorced, which means a living ex. Which can mean lunacy. I wouldn't want to date someone who was recently out of a long-lived engagement, live-in arrangement, or similar situation.

The trick is, does he know who he is as an individual? And does he know what a successful relationship should look like? And does he want one because he wants me...as opposed to simply being lonely.

Apr 11th 2013 new

(Quote) Al-939544 said: ...I was also shocked about the comment of the "pictures"
(Quote) Al-939544 said: ...I was also shocked about the comment of the "pictures"
--hide--
Let's be kind, everyone. I thought it was obvious he thought he was being generous.

May 9th 2013 new

That's a lovely and comfortaing thought. I just wish I understood better the whole "no marriage in Heaven" thing. I cannot imagine not having a special love for my dearest, best friend and lover on earth when I prayerfully see him again in Heaven. I just wish I understood it better. My priest really seems to focus on that thing about the marriage ending with death, which breaks my heart into pieces though I suppose it is true.

May 9th 2013 new

The original post asks: Can a 'never married' or 'divorced' person ever understand and accept the path of married love that we had and lost?


I'm thinking...is that actually important? scratchchin

As "successfully" married people, cannot we who have been widowed simply teach a new love how to love, using the skills of patience, forebearance, kindness, and charity that we honed during our married years?

May 9th 2013 new

(Quote) Marge-938695 said: The original post asks: Can a 'never married' or 'divorced' person ever u...
(Quote) Marge-938695 said:

The original post asks: Can a 'never married' or 'divorced' person ever understand and accept the path of married love that we had and lost?


I'm thinking...is that actually important?

As "successfully" married people, cannot we who have been widowed simply teach a new love how to love, using the skills of patience, forebearance, kindness, and charity that we honed during our married years?

--hide--

I agree Marge, I think we have the benefit of having loved and been loved. I think it can be an advantage.

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