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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Apr 14th 2013 new

Those are very deep questions.

When I first was attracted to my husband, I made a list of the differences between us. There were 25 items on which we were polar opposites: politics, animals, religion, financial savvy, economic background, ethnic background. We didn't read the same books or watch the movies, or like the same foods. He had a sailboat, and I get seasick in the passenger seat of a car. I think the only "interest" or preference we shared was Warner Brothers cartoons on Saturday mornings. wide eyed

But we laughed at the same things, and he had a huge, generous heart. That proved to be enough.

Apr 14th 2013 new

Good points!

As you say, sometime the compromise is all on one side. That's not necessarily bad (though the other ladies have explained the times when it is).

Sometimes compromise has to be one-sided. Like when husband must walk the floor all night with a baby...because wife is walking the floor with the other baby (we had twins). Or when one of you is recovering from surgery...or when one of you is dying.

If you cannot compromise during dating, I don't see how you can do it after marriage.

Apr 14th 2013 new

(Quote) Kristen-878108 said: Very good posts - I agree that if one person is doing all the sacrificing this is a problem. It...
(Quote) Kristen-878108 said:

Very good posts - I agree that if one person is doing all the sacrificing this is a problem. It seems like a successful marriage really comes down to discerning whether the other person has a real respect for you so that you know you can trust that they will your good as well as their own. I agree also that you can't define how much sacrificing each person will do - perhaps the better focus is that of seeing marriage as a total self gift. Of course that again requires finding a partner who also has that vision of marriage. I guess my question still resides in the area of discernment of a potential partner before marriage - I guess I am wondering what criteria one should have in looking for a spouse. I don't think it's logical to look for a person who will be compatible with you in every area of your life. There will likely be some things you will not share in common - common love of animals or of watching tv or love of parties... Therefore sacrifice will be required for having a successful marriage. I guess this is my real question: on what criteria should a potential partner be considered?

--hide--

Hi Kristen, I am specifically going to address your question about "what criteria one should have in looking for a spouse." I find this question disconcerting for so many reasons, but mostly from experience. Of course all of us have preferences or things that attract us physically or emotionally about other people, not everyone we meet will have the elusive to describe chemistry, some will have it but not something else even more important on a fundamental level. The old answer to the question of how will I know I am in love is you will know it when you are. And this is the absolute frustrating truth of it. For those of us who want concrete answers and black and white rules to follow that isn't very satisfying. But this is what I do know. Pete was an amazing man. I admire him still even though he is no longer with us. He was also at times a total brat, made mistakes, made me want to throttle him and brought me to tears throughout our years. Growing up, my dad was very ill most of the time and we as a result were pretty poor and I watched my mother struggle and face humiliation and pray, so I in my youthful certainty knew that whomever I chose to marry would have to work hard always, not drink, etc etc. I thought I was choosing Pete very rationally and I think that I did. I was attracted to him, I liked him, I respected him and I thought he had all the qualities of a good father and a good provider. Imagine my surprise when during our first Christmas as a married couple sitting on the floor across from each other, wrapping presents in the light of the Christmas tree, I looked up and was literally dumbstruck by a feeling of love so complete and total that I cried. I was nuts about my husband. He had been nuts about me from day one, but I was the ever rational child. No one gave us a year, because we were so different. Pete had come from a broken home, seen lots of trouble as a youth and teen, been tossed back and forth, neglected miserably and had all the markers from the outside of just plain not being one who could succeed. But, they were wrong. I was a complete nerd, overly responsible, never a child kinda girl. And, what had drawn me to Pete was his work ethic, his sense of responsibility and his extreme desire to be a good provider and an even better father. Not having had the stability and love in his own life, he was absolutely bound and determined to provide that for his family. And, he did in abundance.

But, the point I hope to make, is that it had nothing to do with our lists of what would be right for us. Initially perhaps our decisions were based on those things, but they are pale and wimpy in comparison to what we really need, develop, nurture, find in our spouses. And, those things are the gold. A touch, an intimate knowledge of another person deep into their soul, a connection so intricate and interwoven that it can only be accomplished through the knitting of the Holy Spirit, whose wisdom and subtle guidance truly does keep us from wrecking it with our human frailties. That's the true beauty of a Sacramental marriage and our embracing of one and cooperating in the grace of such a union. I think that is what everyone here hopes to have, and that is truly a thing gifted by God.

My best advice to anyone seeking a spouse is to rule out no one (I am not saying start writing criminals in prison that is an impediment in its own right), but what I am saying is don't make your criteria so rigid and demanding that it excludes other not so noticeable first picks. Because the one that can stand beside you and mingle his or her soul with yours very well maybe the second or third string or maybe even a walk on from a farm team. And, believe me it is absolutely worth the wait, and provides an experience in love that truly is beyond words or human understanding.

I believe that we should sit down and pray and say God, I THINK I need this, this and this. But, I am open to whomever you bring into my life and I trust that when I encounter the one you know I need and who needs me, I will know and I will say Yes, here I am.

Apr 14th 2013 new
(Quote) Dave-146273 said: That's a great question. My thought is that if we go into a Marriage or are in a Marriage wi...
(Quote) Dave-146273 said:



That's a great question. My thought is that if we go into a Marriage or are in a Marriage with a preconceived idea what the "appropriate balance" of compromise should be, that in itself is a somewhat of a destructive behavior. It may be an easier to approach Marriage knowing that it may not always be the 50/50 ideal what we want, sometimes it may be 60/40 or even 75/25 on occasion. The key is Communicating when one feels they are making more sacrifices than they feel they should, and not bottling it up in resentment.

--hide--


Good stuff Referee Dave! I think in the normal course of relationships there will be times when one person has to give more and then another time less. Fewer expectations, more room to be human could be a positive thing, assuming no one is being taken for granted.
Apr 14th 2013 new

I agree with Marge on morals, dope, etc. That is not compromise - that is some other type of relationship.


Marriage - I think it's about 90-10, and it changes throughout time. My experience was that one spouse was the boss of some things, and the other spouse was the boss of other things. Hopefully, the spouse who is talented or knowlegeable or likes to do certain things becomes the boss of those things. That does not mean that the other spouse has no input, it just means that we try not to needlessly criticize or belittle the spouse who is doing his or her job or taking care of a responsibility (e.g., paying bills or in our case the management of the day to day affairs of a business). My experience was that when those responsibilities were negotiated out, compromising over the small stuff was exactly that - small stuff.

Apr 14th 2013 new

(Quote) Monica-730858 said: Fewer expectations, more room to be human could be a positive thing, assuming no one is being t...
(Quote) Monica-730858 said:

Fewer expectations, more room to be human could be a positive thing, assuming no one is being taken for granted.
--hide--

and especially if as a Couple we help/challenge each other to be better in practicing our faith, while being charitable and forgiving.

Praying hug

Apr 14th 2013 new

(Quote) Lauren-927923 said: Hi Kristen, I am specifically going to address your question about "what criteria ...
(Quote) Lauren-927923 said:

Hi Kristen, I am specifically going to address your question about "what criteria one should have in looking for a spouse." I find this question disconcerting for so many reasons, but mostly from experience. Of course all of us have preferences or things that attract us physically or emotionally about other people, not everyone we meet will have the elusive to describe chemistry, some will have it but not something else even more important on a fundamental level. The old answer to the question of how will I know I am in love is you will know it when you are. And this is the absolute frustrating truth of it. For those of us who want concrete answers and black and white rules to follow that isn't very satisfying. But this is what I do know. Pete was an amazing man. I admire him still even though he is no longer with us. He was also at times a total brat, made mistakes, made me want to throttle him and brought me to tears throughout our years. Growing up, my dad was very ill most of the time and we as a result were pretty poor and I watched my mother struggle and face humiliation and pray, so I in my youthful certainty knew that whomever I chose to marry would have to work hard always, not drink, etc etc. I thought I was choosing Pete very rationally and I think that I did. I was attracted to him, I liked him, I respected him and I thought he had all the qualities of a good father and a good provider. Imagine my surprise when during our first Christmas as a married couple sitting on the floor across from each other, wrapping presents in the light of the Christmas tree, I looked up and was literally dumbstruck by a feeling of love so complete and total that I cried. I was nuts about my husband. He had been nuts about me from day one, but I was the ever rational child. No one gave us a year, because we were so different. Pete had come from a broken home, seen lots of trouble as a youth and teen, been tossed back and forth, neglected miserably and had all the markers from the outside of just plain not being one who could succeed. But, they were wrong. I was a complete nerd, overly responsible, never a child kinda girl. And, what had drawn me to Pete was his work ethic, his sense of responsibility and his extreme desire to be a good provider and an even better father. Not having had the stability and love in his own life, he was absolutely bound and determined to provide that for his family. And, he did in abundance.

But, the point I hope to make, is that it had nothing to do with our lists of what would be right for us. Initially perhaps our decisions were based on those things, but they are pale and wimpy in comparison to what we really need, develop, nurture, find in our spouses. And, those things are the gold. A touch, an intimate knowledge of another person deep into their soul, a connection so intricate and interwoven that it can only be accomplished through the knitting of the Holy Spirit, whose wisdom and subtle guidance truly does keep us from wrecking it with our human frailties. That's the true beauty of a Sacramental marriage and our embracing of one and cooperating in the grace of such a union. I think that is what everyone here hopes to have, and that is truly a thing gifted by God.

My best advice to anyone seeking a spouse is to rule out no one (I am not saying start writing criminals in prison that is an impediment in its own right), but what I am saying is don't make your criteria so rigid and demanding that it excludes other not so noticeable first picks. Because the one that can stand beside you and mingle his or her soul with yours very well maybe the second or third string or maybe even a walk on from a farm team. And, believe me it is absolutely worth the wait, and provides an experience in love that truly is beyond words or human understanding.

I believe that we should sit down and pray and say God, I THINK I need this, this and this. But, I am open to whomever you bring into my life and I trust that when I encounter the one you know I need and who needs me, I will know and I will say Yes, here I am.

--hide--


Thank you Lauren, for saying so beautifully what I secretly thought too - that having detailed criteria limits one from actually seeing the person that God is placing in your life! Yet another post where you bring a tear to my eye!! sad

Apr 16th 2013 new

(Quote) Marge-938695 said: Those are very deep questions.When I first was attracted to my husband, I made a list of ...
(Quote) Marge-938695 said:

Those are very deep questions.

When I first was attracted to my husband, I made a list of the differences between us. There were 25 items on which we were polar opposites: politics, animals, religion, financial savvy, economic background, ethnic background. We didn't read the same books or watch the movies, or like the same foods. He had a sailboat, and I get seasick in the passenger seat of a car. I think the only "interest" or preference we shared was Warner Brothers cartoons on Saturday mornings.

But we laughed at the same things, and he had a huge, generous heart. That proved to be enough.

--hide--


Marge, I think you hit on an important quality: a huge, generous heart. That is a priceless quality!

Apr 16th 2013 new

(Quote) Beverly-936499 said: I agree with Marge on morals, dope, etc. That is not compromise - that is some other type of re...
(Quote) Beverly-936499 said:

I agree with Marge on morals, dope, etc. That is not compromise - that is some other type of relationship.


Marriage - I think it's about 90-10, and it changes throughout time. My experience was that one spouse was the boss of some things, and the other spouse was the boss of other things. Hopefully, the spouse who is talented or knowlegeable or likes to do certain things becomes the boss of those things. That does not mean that the other spouse has no input, it just means that we try not to needlessly criticize or belittle the spouse who is doing his or her job or taking care of a responsibility (e.g., paying bills or in our case the management of the day to day affairs of a business). My experience was that when those responsibilities were negotiated out, compromising over the small stuff was exactly that - small stuff.

--hide--


Thank you for sharing this wisdom!

Apr 16th 2013 new

(Quote) Lauren-927923 said: ...don't make your criteria so rigid and demanding that it excludes other not so noticeable first...
(Quote) Lauren-927923 said: ...don't make your criteria so rigid and demanding that it excludes other not so noticeable first picks.
--hide--
Bow Bow

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