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Devoted to discussion pertaining to those issues which are specifically relevant to people 45+. Topics must have a specific perspective of people in this age group for it to be on topic.

The story of Abraham and Sarah is told in chapters 11-25 of the book of Genesis.
Learn More:Abraham & Sarah

May 10th 2013 new

(Quote) Kerry-970208 said: I totally know and appreciate that you intended this to help and to be kind...
(Quote) Kerry-970208 said:


I totally know and appreciate that you intended this to help and to be kind. ANd I thank you for that. But one of the things that kept me away from church of any kind for many years was the horrible fear that God would somehow decide one day that my character needed improving by killing off one of my loved ones to see how I would handle it. People told me repeatedly no, God does not do that. God does not just take people to improve your character. God is not wantonly cruel like that. But this seems to say otherwise.


Perhaps it just means that God uses such circumstances when they occur, to help us grow. That I can accept. But if He actually causes these deaths to "help us grow", I think I would prefer not to grow. That surely sounds terrible, I suppose, and it is said from a heart aching with pain, but this is what I always feared, and now, here it is, and I don't want to think that had I only had a better character somehow, my husband would still be alive.

--hide--



God does not take our loved ones to teach us any lesson or to see if we can handle it or how we will handle it. It is not about us. It is more about taking home the person whose time it is to go home and reap the rewards of having made it through their time on earth.

And maybe I do not have the most correct understanding about the reason things happen but I do know one thing for sure. He (God) knows what He is doing and it is the most right thing to do knowing all that He knows and is without any malice for any of His creations. We may never understand WHY these things must happen when they happen but God does. Remember we can only think with human logic and God is not bound by it.

May 10th 2013 new

Kerry, I know this is a very difficult time and my heart goes out to you. Time will lessen some of the pain you feel but not the love or the memories. At this point in time, knowing that the pain will diminish is a hollow offerring because it does not help in this moment. Nothing does.


Many of us have been where you are now and understand how you feel. I remember being angry with God for not letting me say good-bye. It sounds silly now but at the time I was lost and I did not have the comfort of Catholic understanding about death.

May 10th 2013 new

(Quote) Kerry-970208 said: I totally know and appreciate that you intended this to help and to be kind...
(Quote) Kerry-970208 said:


I totally know and appreciate that you intended this to help and to be kind. ANd I thank you for that. But one of the things that kept me away from church of any kind for many years was the horrible fear that God would somehow decide one day that my character needed improving by killing off one of my loved ones to see how I would handle it. People told me repeatedly no, God does not do that. God does not just take people to improve your character. God is not wantonly cruel like that. But this seems to say otherwise.


Perhaps it just means that God uses such circumstances when they occur, to help us grow. That I can accept. But if He actually causes these deaths to "help us grow", I think I would prefer not to grow. That surely sounds terrible, I suppose, and it is said from a heart aching with pain, but this is what I always feared, and now, here it is, and I don't want to think that had I only had a better character somehow, my husband would still be alive.

--hide--
Kerry -- during this time, you'll feel every emotion imaginable, including some of them you later will wish you hadn't. But....don't hold it in. If you're confused and angry -- well, that's normal. It's helpful to know that, but it doesn't speed up the process. We are limited as humans in what we can think and do -- the human condition. But....perfection in ourselves and our lives is elusive.

It may seem cruel that your husband is gone. Bad things do happen, and eventually something good comes out of it. Exactly what that is we don't always know right away. It may take years, or you might never truly know, but there is a reason for all of this.

When people are young and get married, the "until death do us part" has a different meaning. Marriage is forever -- permanent. But....as you face what you are going through now, you realize that "until death do us part" means exactly that. In a marriage, one of the partners will be called "home" before the other one. The remaining spouse will be left in sadness, grief, and pain. It's hard to see what good can come of it right now, but this will ease up in time if you allow it. If you continue to carry anger and bitterness for an unusual length of time, you'll find it is counterproductive, and that outside help may then be needed. But for now, just try it one day at a t ime. That's what you have -- today. Yesterday is gone; tomorrow isn't here yet. You do have today -- the present -- to use to the best of your ability. You can appreciate the gift of time. Certainly you wanted to share it with your husband but it was not meant to be. Perhaps your husband became ill to avoid a worse fate later on -- more suffering, possibly long term and painful. That can be agonizing, too.

The Good Lord knows what you can handle. Also remember He can handly anything, so feel free to dump your load of pain and sadness on Him. Praying is having a conversation with God. He will hear you and respond in some way. Right now you feel as if the foundation under you has crumbled, and in many ways it definitely has. But, you will rise again in an earthly sense.

Try getting back to Mass and the Sacraments on a regular -- at least more frequent, basis. You will find comfort and strength, although not necessarily immediately. There is that feeling of loneliness in a crowd, but that will happen with any group setting. If you are known in your parish, and people are aware of the loss of your husband, many of them will reach out to you. Take comfort in that -- it's part of being a Christian.

The first steps are the most difficult, as you know from raising children. But if you don't take them, you won't move forward. Sure, you will fall, as does a toddler, but what counts is getting up and trying again.

Don't neglect some private time to meditate and gather your thoughts. Right now they're all over the place and don't make sense, but that will gradually change -- if you let it.

Blessings....Ray hug

May 11th 2013 new

Thanks. Yes, I go to daily mass and have for a long time and am involved in many activities in my church so many folks have reached out to me. It helps a great deal. But at the end of the day they go h ome with their families and husbands and I do not. So, that part hurts, yes.


I have just had SO MUCH pain and heartache in my life that occasionally I just feel as though God won't give me a break.

May 11th 2013 new

That sounds really whiny, I know.

May 11th 2013 new

(Quote) Kerry-970208 said: Thanks. Yes, I go to daily mass and have for a long time and am involved in many activities in my...
(Quote) Kerry-970208 said:

Thanks. Yes, I go to daily mass and have for a long time and am involved in many activities in my church so many folks have reached out to me. It helps a great deal. But at the end of the day they go h ome with their families and husbands and I do not. So, that part hurts, yes.


I have just had SO MUCH pain and heartache in my life that occasionally I just feel as though God won't give me a break.

--hide--
It's difficult if not nearly impossible to realize that you are receiving blessings, despite the pressure and pain you are now feeling. Your comment about people reaching out to you is a credit to their faithfulness -- AND YOURS for being in their presence. If that were lacking, you would feel even worse (hard to imagine that, isn't it?) "' Til death do us part" suggests that at some point one of you would be left alone. Difficult to think that way when both of you were a lot younger and feeling invincible. It's sad to realize that, but it is a fact.

You were given the opportunity to go forth, be a mom to your children (yes, with difficulty), and work your way to a "new normal" way of life. Your time is a gift. Unwrap it and put it to good use. It's not to be discarded nor can it be re-gifted. The time given to you is yours. All of us here would like to just yank your pain away, but it just doesn't work that way.

No need to answer this publicly, but have you considered seeing a counselor or are you now seeing one? It can be helpful -- and typically it is short term and temporary. Do you have any close friends who will just sit with you and listen without criticizing your feelings, or telling you how you should feel? You feel lousy -- that's a fact. Having someone suggest otherwise is just a bunch of mule muffins.

But, each day, you see the world going on, much as it had been when your husband was still with you. The sun rises to light up the day; people are scurrying about, going to work, running errands and shopping, and so on. With your feelings, you feel isolated from all of that -- a perfectly normal feeling right now.

Focus upon your well being -- emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Take care of yourself as best you can -- eating properly, getting enough sleep and rest, participating in some spiritual activities (Mass attendance included). This is no time to give up -- there will be better tomorrows. Just believe!!! hug

May 11th 2013 new

(Quote) Kerry-970208 said: That sounds really whiny, I know.
(Quote) Kerry-970208 said:

That sounds really whiny, I know.

--hide--
Not at all, Kerry -- it sounds like someone who was deeply committed to her husband and is hurting because he is gone. You can be thankful for the good years, even though you wanted more. Memories are irreplaceable.

May 11th 2013 new

Thank you, Ray, you are a wise man.


Yes, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I also attend a support group for bereaved spouses on mondays, and my son attends a group for teens who have lost a parent and has a therapist himself. I do have a couple of good friends.

May 13th 2013 new

(Quote) Kerry-970208 said: Thank you, Ray, you are a wise man. Yes, I have a therapist and a psychiatris...
(Quote) Kerry-970208 said:

Thank you, Ray, you are a wise man.


Yes, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I also attend a support group for bereaved spouses on mondays, and my son attends a group for teens who have lost a parent and has a therapist himself. I do have a couple of good friends.

--hide--


Kerry,

I am sorry I am coming to this thread late, but hope you are still reading it. First, you have my deepest condolences and prayers regarding the loss of your husband. I am not widowed, but twice divorced and have learned the grief process is very similar for both losses. I am happy to hear you have reached out for some support. The Monday night group sounds great and I encourage you to continue to work with them and your counselor.

I don't want to go into all the details of your loss or mine in a CM forum, that should be done in less public settings. As you go through the grief process, you will have good days and you will have bad ones. Sometimes all it takes is some little momento left behind by your husband to start the tears flowing. That is ok, the tears are a necessary part of the healing.

Check out the brochures in the rack at the back of your church. If there is a brochure there for "Coping" you might want to check it out. Coping sessions are for what I call the "walking wounded", those experiencing the shock of a recent loss. After about a year has passed since your husbands death, check out Beginning Experience.


Beginning Experience has been a lifeboat for me, especially after my first divorce. It is a weekend "retreat" or workshop where brothers and sisters who are also on their grief journey, offer help and support for you on yours. It is an opportunity to move on to the last stage of grief, acceptance; that is why it is Beginning Experience, it is an opportunity to begin the rest of your life.

I hope I have been helpful. Just remember that the light you see at the end of the tunnel really is the exit and not an oncoming train! If you want to continue the conversation one-on-one, feel free to check out my profile and/or message me on CM.

Vivat Jesus!

Jerry

May 14th 2013 new

Kerry,


So sorry for your loss. Joan said it well, as the others here.


Just imagine how great the Church is and it's at your disposal. When you need something, all you need to do is ask! What ever befalls you, always have a smile on your lips and a song of love in your heart for the Lord and Savior and all will be fine. If you need help with daily matters, ask! other matters? Ask. Put all things in God's hands...

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