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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

May 10th 2013 new

I think it depends on the person and what they are searching for. Dating another widowed person would be easy because they have lived through I what we have so not a lot of miscommunication occures. And by miscommunication it's like for me I sometimes still relate to people like im still married and I haven't been in a long time. You never seem to loose that style of communication and when you meet someone new it's like you still converse like we this and we that and you have to catch yourself like opps not we me. It still feels like you are still married even though your mind says your not and you realize your now your speech and view point always comes from both of you. I think it all boils down to the committment factor. If you date a divorced person you know going into it they are upset and bitter and hurt and just remain like that and it never gets better even if you are in their life because it's like a cancer that spreads from one person to another with hate and tons of drama from the ex that no one in this lifetime wants to deal with. Also the divorced person will take thing out on you and act like you are them when you get into a dating relationship with them they will say things like you are like my ex etc and talk to you like they did them which causes tons of crazieness. They don't understand what it means to fully commite and to be there for their spouse through thick and thin they just gave up and moved on and think everyone should. That is was really is not a great relationship it's the commiittment factor for me. so I don't like dating divorced people for that reason. Everyone is different so maybe for some but not for me. Their solution to your feelings is like oh just move on and it just seems like the tend to lump woman who are kind sweet and ready to committ into the category of non date able because they are going through stuff right now in dealing with the ex and usually kids. I want no part of the ex and kids. So yeah I agree thanks for the post on this and just do what your heart tells you to do.

Aug 17th 2013 new
(quote) Joan-461057 said:

 My question is this; do I have the right to be on this site if I'm still actively grieving for my husband? I'm here more for the compionship of similar situations then for a soulmate - yet! Should I cancel and come back in a year or two.

JOAN,

I'm 78 and no longer looking for a spouse but I recently came back to CM because I know it is the best place online to find friends. Even join in the events when possible.
You will feel the real concern and love of people here.
Stay with us.

Blessings,
Fina
Aug 18th 2013 new
I think my own preference--and this is not set in stone--would be to date a widowed person. The pain from a good marriage ending in death is unimaginable by someone who hasn't been through it, and the pain of the loss of a parent, cousin, sibling, etc., while deep and lasting and agonizing, is just not the same as the death of a lifelong partner--one whom God joined together as one person with you, with whom you perhaps had children that you still see their face in.

I struggle with the whole "we" instead of "I" thing still as well. Sometimes I mean me and my child, sometimes I mean something that happened when he was living--but sometimes it just slips out in a current form and that would be hard for a divorced or never married person to handle, perhaps. I would want to have photos of him, especially in my child's room, and perhaps one elsewhere--in a hallway or kitchen wall perhaps--and would expect the same of my future spouse if widowed. This would not cause me the pain it might cause a never married or divorced person. Nor would the mention of the former spouse, especially at first.
Aug 19th 2013 new
Marge,
Just got on this site and had to reply as to whether we should limit ourselves to widowers. I am. I don't care to deal with an ex, and yes I prefer to relate to someone who has been through what I have experienced. The pain of watching someone die cannot be explained.

Marion
Aug 19th 2013 new
(quote) Marion-999790 said:  The pain of watching someone die cannot be explained.

Marion
Amen.
Aug 19th 2013 new
Marion: Yes, I also a widowed now for 3 yrs. I agree with you that it is very painful to watch someone that you love have to suffer a painful death. Cancer is such a terrible disease.
Aug 21st 2013 new
My late wife Linda passed on Feb 10,2013. Even though it has only been 6 months, I feel the bulk of my grieving is done. that may sound strange to some people, but when we married in 2000 shorty afterward she started to get sick with various illnesses. We faced them together on at a time. This last one, pancreatic cancer we lost the battle, but with this, watching her die put me in the grieving process for 18 months. Had it not been for faith in God and family and Linda's friends and her BFF Tim. I would have turned into a basket case. I still miss her, and probably always will to some extent. Linda has moved on and I cannot stop living, it just my nature and up bringing to never give up on life and love and possibility of new spouse. Being alone, sucks (sorry) We were never ment to single. Some people like it, I do not.
Oct 12th 2013 new
(quote) Marge-938695 said:



The trick is, does he know who he is as an individual? And does he know what a successful relationship should look like? And does he want one because he wants me...as opposed to simply being lonely.

Marge,

Pearls of wisdom, imho....Sorry, if it is OT but I wish there could be forum discussions on these great points....just saying...it is something to ponder in this room for widows and widowers anyway....

If I take YOUR 3 points, Marge...
Following a long term marriage...
1.How did you come to know who you are as an individual today-without her/him?

2. What is your "take-away" from healthy successful marriages you have witnessed?

3. How do you know you are genuinely seeking/pursuing from interest or loneliness?

Thanks for the succinct litmus test for those of us with long term marriages...well done, Marge


Oct 14th 2013 new
(quote) Barbara-863769 said:
Following a long term marriage...
1.How did you come to know who you are as an individual today-without her/him?
2. What is your "take-away" from healthy successful marriages you have witnessed?
3. How do you know you are genuinely seeking/pursuing from interest or loneliness?
1.How did you come to know who you are as an individual today-without her/him?
It can take a long time. Years of thinking in terms of "We" have to be set aside and you train yourself to think in terms of "I". The kind of music I like, where I want to go, MY friends (not ours), MY children. You substitute his possessions that you never liked with yours, you no longer cook the things he liked that you didn't. Etc.

2. What is your "take-away" from healthy successful marriages you have witnessed?
In a healthy marriage, neither of you "needs" the other, but you just "want" each other.
Each of you could operate as a mentally/emotionally stable person ALONE. It's just that Together is better.

3. How do you know you are genuinely seeking/pursuing from interest or loneliness?
If you have mastered #1, above, and if you remember how to think with your focus on the welfare of someone else, you will know the difference.

Again, it takes TIME.
Oct 14th 2013 new
hug
Grieving is a roller coaster. Yes, much of it takes place while the loved one is dying...but it still lasts much longer than you think it will. I felt better 2 years later than I did 4 years later....
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