(Quote) Kerry-970208 said:
I totally know and appreciate that you intended this to help and to be kind...
(Quote) Kerry-970208 said:
I totally know and appreciate that you intended this to help and to be kind. ANd I thank you for that. But one of the things that kept me away from church of any kind for many years was the horrible fear that God would somehow decide one day that my character needed improving by killing off one of my loved ones to see how I would handle it. People told me repeatedly no, God does not do that. God does not just take people to improve your character. God is not wantonly cruel like that. But this seems to say otherwise.
Perhaps it just means that God uses such circumstances when they occur, to help us grow. That I can accept. But if He actually causes these deaths to "help us grow", I think I would prefer not to grow. That surely sounds terrible, I suppose, and it is said from a heart aching with pain, but this is what I always feared, and now, here it is, and I don't want to think that had I only had a better character somehow, my husband would still be alive.
Kerry -- during this time, you'll feel every emotion imaginable, including some of them you later will wish you hadn't. But....don't hold it in. If you're confused and angry -- well, that's normal. It's helpful to know that, but it doesn't speed up the process. We are limited as humans in what we can think and do -- the human condition. But....perfection in ourselves and our lives is elusive.
It may seem cruel that your husband is gone. Bad things do happen, and eventually something good comes out of it. Exactly what that is we don't always know right away. It may take years, or you might never truly know, but there is a reason for all of this.
When people are young and get married, the "until death do us part" has a different meaning. Marriage is forever -- permanent. But....as you face what you are going through now, you realize that "until death do us part" means exactly that. In a marriage, one of the partners will be called "home" before the other one. The remaining spouse will be left in sadness, grief, and pain. It's hard to see what good can come of it right now, but this will ease up in time if you allow it. If you continue to carry anger and bitterness for an unusual length of time, you'll find it is counterproductive, and that outside help may then be needed. But for now, just try it one day at a t ime. That's what you have -- today. Yesterday is gone; tomorrow isn't here yet. You do have today -- the present -- to use to the best of your ability. You can appreciate the gift of time. Certainly you wanted to share it with your husband but it was not meant to be. Perhaps your husband became ill to avoid a worse fate later on -- more suffering, possibly long term and painful. That can be agonizing, too.
The Good Lord knows what you can handle. Also remember He can handly anything, so feel free to dump your load of pain and sadness on Him. Praying is having a conversation with God. He will hear you and respond in some way. Right now you feel as if the foundation under you has crumbled, and in many ways it definitely has. But, you will rise again in an earthly sense.
Try getting back to Mass and the Sacraments on a regular -- at least more frequent, basis. You will find comfort and strength, although not necessarily immediately. There is that feeling of loneliness in a crowd, but that will happen with any group setting. If you are known in your parish, and people are aware of the loss of your husband, many of them will reach out to you. Take comfort in that -- it's part of being a Christian.
The first steps are the most difficult, as you know from raising children. But if you don't take them, you won't move forward. Sure, you will fall, as does a toddler, but what counts is getting up and trying again.
Don't neglect some private time to meditate and gather your thoughts. Right now they're all over the place and don't make sense, but that will gradually change -- if you let it.