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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

I am so tired of divorce....I hate divorce. It really brings out the worst in people. My former husband was such a sweet, gentle soul before he developed mid-life bipolar disorder. Now he is such an angry, bitter soul. I took the kids to Hawaii for a much needed family vacation last week. I did not tell my former spouse since he doesn't have much to do with me or the kids. Two days after returning we met with him to celebrate our daughters birthday (we just started inviting him to family birthday dinners for our sons birthday last month). She was so excited to show the photos from the trip to him. When she showed him the photos his face got very pale and tense; I knew he was upset. Today I called him at work to ask him about an electrical problem with the stove (he is an electrical engineer) and he laid into me about taking the kids to Hawaii with his money while he slaves away at his job...ect, ect. ect. I said, "if you aren't able to help me I will need to say goodbye" then hung up. He immediately texted me three times, how I took all of his money and he has to live under a stone, ect. ect. ect. The truth of the matter is my father passed away in 2009 and in order to avoid paying estate taxes my mother "gifts" me a significant amount of money each year. The past couple years I invested it in real estate but this time I took the kids to Hawaii with a small percentage of the money because the real estate investment market has pretty much dried up. I texted this explanation to him but he continued to text me that my life is so much better without him, ect. ect. ect. HE was the one who filed for divorce!! HE was the one having affairs!! He is so jealous of my life and the relationship I have with the kids. Divorce definitely brings out the worst in people, especially those suffering from an untreated mental illness. I pray for his soul every day. I would suffer and die if it meant that his soul could be saved.
May 29th 2013 new
Joan,
For me, I like to think of it as Jeckle and Hyde. I never know what I'm going to get. Some days my ex calls me and wants to know if I want to go get something to eat, just the 3 of us. I think that there are parents on my son's baseball team that don't even know we are divorced. Other days, I get nasty text messages and e-mails. My son is often put in the middle when my ex is mad at me. One night my ex took my son to our WEEKDAY meeting place on Sunday night and told my son that I forgot him even though I was waiting at home where he was supposed to be.

There are a few things that help me.
  • Repeating the mantra, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and the go back to what ever it was that I needed to talk to him about. I don't engage in his petty attacks on me. It's just a polite transition away from whatever his is angry about.
  • Don't respond to pointless text messages. If he started texting about being angry you took the kids to Hawaii, there is nothing that you can say that he will listen to. Don't waste your time responding.
  • Your financial situation is none of his business unless the courts say it is. I take my child support check every month and spend almost all the money on gas cards and paying my cell phone. I made the mistake of telling my ex that I needed the check because my phone bill was due. He went off on me. The next month I explained that it's a cash flow thing. My son doesn't go without, but the bills I have due around the 15th get paid out of his check. Once he was calmer, he understood. Be careful telling him about the "gifts" from your mom. He could use that against you to say that he doesn't need to pay as much child support.
  • I basically deal with my ex the same way I do with other people I don't get along with. I do not have to take verbal and emotional abuse from them. I get up and walk away. I hang up the phone. I don't engage in a discussion that isn't going anywhere. I do not owe anyone an explanation as long as I am polite.
It's so hard. I still come home and cry or call a friend to vent. I'm still working on growing a tougher skin.

May 29th 2013 new
(quote) Kate-806727 said: Joan,
For me, I like to think of it as Jeckle and Hyde. I never know what I'm going to get. Some days my ex calls me and wants to know if I want to go get something to eat, just the 3 of us. I think that there are parents on my son's baseball team that don't even know we are divorced. Other days, I get nasty text messages and e-mails. My son is often put in the middle when my ex is mad at me. One night my ex took my son to our WEEKDAY meeting place on Sunday night and told my son that I forgot him even though I was waiting at home where he was supposed to be.

There are a few things that help me.
Repeating the mantra, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and the go back to what ever it was that I needed to talk to him about. I don't engage in his petty attacks on me. It's just a polite transition away from whatever his is angry about. Don't respond to pointless text messages. If he started texting about being angry you took the kids to Hawaii, there is nothing that you can say that he will listen to. Don't waste your time responding.Your financial situation is none of his business unless the courts say it is. I take my child support check every month and spend almost all the money on gas cards and paying my cell phone. I made the mistake of telling my ex that I needed the check because my phone bill was due. He went off on me. The next month I explained that it's a cash flow thing. My son doesn't go without, but the bills I have due around the 15th get paid out of his check. Once he was calmer, he understood. Be careful telling him about the "gifts" from your mom. He could use that against you to say that he doesn't need to pay as much child support.I basically deal with my ex the same way I do with other people I don't get along with. I do not have to take verbal and emotional abuse from them. I get up and walk away. I hang up the phone. I don't engage in a discussion that isn't going anywhere. I do not owe anyone an explanation as long as I am polite.It's so hard. I still come home and cry or call a friend to vent. I'm still working on growing a tougher skin.

Katie,

Of course there is always more to the story than I included at 2am. YES,, definitely Jeckle & Hyde. Just two weeks ago, at our sons college graduation, I told my former spouse that I OWN the house our son has been living in and will be selling "our" house (my current residence) and moving to the house our son has been "renting" from me. HIs response to me was, "do you think that house is closer to MY work than MY house?" (referring to HIMSELF; he was insinuating that he would move in with me) eyepopping.It took everything within me to contain myself and very calmly reply, "of course it is closer to your work than your house is (I couldn't lie because it was obvious)". Yes, he is delusional. We had a 2 hour long conversation that day, just he and I. He was the sweet, gentle soul I fell in love with.

Our kids are now all in their early 20's. He filed for divorce one week after the youngest turned 18 because he said he would rather be dead than pay child support. He tried to get away with not paying any spousal maintenance but the judge REALLY socked it to him (he was hiding funds, you name it). Fortunately the lawyer fees were only $15K between the two of us (I ended up paying the final $2K because he refused). We got off "cheap" because I did all of the digging for the lawyer, saving them $300/hr. work. At the time, he seemed satisfied when I agreed to only 3 years of spousal maintainence (it was supposed to be indefinite, til he/ I die or I remarry). Well the three years was up THIS month, thus part of the reason for taking the kids to Hawaii. If I had taken them sooner he would have stopped paying, I can almost guarantee it. We had to look like we were living like paupers for 3 years because he was always threatening to not pay. I am SOOOOO relieved the spousal maintenance is finally over, even more so than he is. Now he gets to keep every dime of his 6 figure income but he is STILL not satisfied.

He has not been a part of the kids lives since he moved out of our house over 5 years ago. He missed high school graduations, college graduations, family reunions, birthday dinners, every family activity. This past April he contacted our son and asked if he could come to his family birthday dinner. My son said, "sure", however my former spouse said he didn't want "me" there. So my son contacted me and said the dinner was 'canceled". He went to dinner with his dad and siblings. When his siblings came home they asked me why I didn't go to their brothers birthday dinner. I told them he told me he had canceled it. To make a long story short, my son and I had a long conversation about "integrity" and the right thing to do. He wanted to see his dad whom he hadn't seen in 5 years, but he didn't want to be alone with him, which is understandable. I also called his dad and let him know that expecting our son to "uninvite" me because he wasn't comfortable around me was completely inappropriate. So when our daughters birthday came around my former spouse tried the same "trick" but my daughter came to me (she knew I would be upset if I was uninvited just to accommodate his desires). So that is why we were all at dinner together. It was a very pleasant evening, nothing unpleasant, until the next day....

I really like what Pope Francis said about the devastation of Satan in our lives and how following Satan's path is so detrimental to not only our life but the lives of the ones around us. Our world fell apart when he made the choice to follow Satan's lies. What a better way for Satan to destroy the Church than to the destroy families by first destroying the soul/mind of the father, the HEAD of the family.

I pray for the redemption of his soul everyday.


May 29th 2013 new
(quote) Kate-806727 said: Joan,
For me, I like to think of it as Jeckle and Hyde. I never know what I'm going to get. Some days my ex calls me and wants to know if I want to go get something to eat, just the 3 of us. I think that there are parents on my son's baseball team that don't even know we are divorced. Other days, I get nasty text messages and e-mails. My son is often put in the middle when my ex is mad at me. One night my ex took my son to our WEEKDAY meeting place on Sunday night and told my son that I forgot him even though I was waiting at home where he was supposed to be.

There are a few things that help me.
Repeating the mantra, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and the go back to what ever it was that I needed to talk to him about. I don't engage in his petty attacks on me. It's just a polite transition away from whatever his is angry about. Don't respond to pointless text messages. If he started texting about being angry you took the kids to Hawaii, there is nothing that you can say that he will listen to. Don't waste your time responding.Your financial situation is none of his business unless the courts say it is. I take my child support check every month and spend almost all the money on gas cards and paying my cell phone. I made the mistake of telling my ex that I needed the check because my phone bill was due. He went off on me. The next month I explained that it's a cash flow thing. My son doesn't go without, but the bills I have due around the 15th get paid out of his check. Once he was calmer, he understood. Be careful telling him about the "gifts" from your mom. He could use that against you to say that he doesn't need to pay as much child support.I basically deal with my ex the same way I do with other people I don't get along with. I do not have to take verbal and emotional abuse from them. I get up and walk away. I hang up the phone. I don't engage in a discussion that isn't going anywhere. I do not owe anyone an explanation as long as I am polite.It's so hard. I still come home and cry or call a friend to vent. I'm still working on growing a tougher skin.

Katie,

The "I am sorry you feel that way" really upsets him and I used it ALOT during the divorce process. I was very matter of fact and nonemotional, which even upset him more, but it worked great.

BTW, HE filed for the annulment less than 4 months after the divorce was final. THEN he threatened the tribunal a year later but I have no idea what the specifics were. The diocesan office called to tell me he threatened them and therefore he would not be able to read any of the witness statements or documents, however because of privacy policy they couldn't release to me the nature of his threats. At the time he was trying to "revive" our relationship but I was not cooperating. I believe he was trying to get the tribunal to "stop" the annulment process, but I don't know for sure. Just another Jeckle and Hyde incident.
May 29th 2013 new
I'm so sorry for what you women are going through. Having been in divorce ministry for many years, I have heard so many stories like yours. It is hard to believe that the men we married, the ones who were so loving at first could turn into such monsters. Jekyll & Hydes, definitely!

A priest once advised: Just pray for your former spouse. It won't change him, but it will change you. A simple prayer: "God bless .... and give him what he needs." Say this no matter how you are feeling at the moment, no matter how difficult it may be to get the words said. See how this leaves the spouse in God's hands?

Perseverance, ladies, & trust in the Lord's goodness and justice always. theheart Praying rose hug
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