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This room is dedicated to those who are facing the challenge of raising children without the support of a spouse. This is a place to share ideas and lend mutual support.

Saint Rita is known to be a patroness for abused wives and mourning women.
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What does a single mom do/say when a dad has disowned his children, who are now all in their 20's? As Father's Day is tomorrow, our 25 year old daughter literally cried when she said she "missed Dad" and wanted him to visit her over the summer while she was doing her internship out of state.
I asked him to visit her and he (who makes a 6 figure salary, with a car/house provided by his father) replies, "I have no money to visit kids".
He has the most generous father I have ever met. His father gives EVERYTHING and does EVERYTHING for my exhusband, (on a military retirees income). My exhusband makes a 6 figure income but can't even acknowledge his kids graduation/birthday with a gift or card. When I ask him "why" he says because he never wanted kids and lied to me before we were married so that I would marry him eyepopping (grounds for annulment, according to him).
So what does a mother do or say to their kids when they are expressing a desire to see their father? BTW, their father was very active in their lives up until he turned 40 (and diagnosed bipolar). I remind them of his mental illness but they don't get it and frankly neither do I.
Jun 15th 2013 new
(quote) Joan-529855 said: What does a single mom do/say when a dad has disowned his children, who are now all in their 20's? As Father's Day is tomorrow, our 25 year old daughter literally cried when she said she "missed Dad" and wanted him to visit her over the summer while she was doing her internship out of state.
I asked him to visit her and he (who makes a 6 figure salary, with a car/house provided by his father) replies, "I have no money to visit kids".
He has the most generous father I have ever met. His father gives EVERYTHING and does EVERYTHING for my exhusband, (on a military retirees income). My exhusband makes a 6 figure income but can't even acknowledge his kids graduation/birthday with a gift or card. When I ask him "why" he says because he never wanted kids and lied to me before we were married so that I would marry him (grounds for annulment, according to him).
So what does a mother do or say to their kids when they are expressing a desire to see their father? BTW, their father was very active in their lives up until he turned 40 (and diagnosed bipolar). I remind them of his mental illness but they don't get it and frankly neither do I.
First, I am so sorry that your children are going through this. it must be very heart breaking to watch. If your ex's father is as good as you say, maybe your children can engage him in a relationship and through that have more of a connection to their father.

Blessings.
Jun 15th 2013 new
(quote) Joanna-615441 said: First, I am so sorry that your children are going through this. it must be very heart breaking to watch. If your ex's father is as good as you say, maybe your children can engage him in a relationship and through that have more of a connection to their father.

Blessings.
Joanna, I WISH their grandfather had a relationship with my kids but as soon as my exhusband moved out of the house his parents took "sides" and haven't acknowledged the existence of their grandkids since. His father is a very generous man, but only to those people who his son approves of (which of course is not me or his kids). You see, his father is an ENABLER (in bold, capital letters). Our son asked me one day, "so will we ever see Grandpa and Grandma again?" I had to be honest and say, "probably not", and they only live a 2 hours drive away.
My former husband's family is a very dysfunctional, enmeshed family. The parents alienate certain family members (one brother has been eliminated from the family) and coddle others. The ones who are alienated no longer have 'parents/siblings", and the ones who are coddled only have "parents/siblings" (spouses/children are not acknowledged). They don't allow for "extended" family members to enter into their enmeshed world. So, my former father in law is very generous, but only to his "favored children", which includes my former spouse.
Jun 15th 2013 new
(quote) Joan-529855 said: Joanna, I WISH their grandfather had a relationship with my kids but as soon as my exhusband moved out of the house his parents took "sides" and haven't acknowledged the existence of their grandkids since. His father is a very generous man, but only to those people who his son approves of (which of course is not me or his kids). You see, his father is an ENABLER (in bold, capital letters). Our son asked me one day, "so will we ever see Grandpa and Grandma again?" I had to be honest and say, "probably not", and they only live a 2 hours drive away.
My former husband's family is a very dysfunctional, enmeshed family. The parents alienate certain family members (one brother has been eliminated from the family) and coddle others. The ones who are alienated no longer have 'parents/siblings", and the ones who are coddled only have "parents/siblings" (spouses/children are not acknowledged). They don't allow for "extended" family members to enter into their enmeshed world. So, my former father in law is very generous, but only to his "favored children", which includes my former spouse.
Oh wow. Then maybe it's a blessing that the unhealthy family members are not a part of their lives. Just encourage them to not hold grudges and find a way to forgive, for their own peace of mind.

My prayers go out to your kids.
Jun 15th 2013 new
Hi Joan,
I empathize with you and your children. With your kids because of the absent dad and grandparents and you because you hurt for your kids. Their father's behavior is inexcusable! A close friend has the same problem but her 3 children are under 10. My heart breaks for your kids, my friend's kids and all kids who have a parent who seems to be uncaring. It may sound contrite but pray for him (his conversion)... I as a single (never married) woman find it a total turn off (no matter the lame excuse) when I find out a man I'm interested in who has children has no contact with their kids. I mean "dead in the water turn" off.
God bless you and your kids.
Jun 15th 2013 new
At the risk of sounding harsh (who, me?) ---

-- The relationship of an adult child with his parent is a problem between the two of them and nobody else.

-- An adult child can understand the concept of "who knows why?" -- and in his heart can understand and accept the concept of "some people are louses".

-- It's not easy to see your kids hurting...but it's not the first time, nor will it be the last. In any case, it's not the parent's job to bear this burden.

So, to answer the original question: What do you do/say? NOTHING. You just stand by to catch the tears...if there are any.
Jun 15th 2013 new
Totally agree! thumbsup

If the adult kids want to have a relationship with their father or their grandparents, then it is up to them to do so. In other words, they can reach out to their relatives. If they get shut down, than that's it, and they can consider that side of the family as distant. Quite frankly, it doesnt' sound that the dad's side of the family is very healthy in the first place, so, good riddance.

At their age, I'm not sure how sympathetic that I would be after a while. I'm sure that they have friends that are viral, well, one can have relatives that are viral, too. Both are situations that one needs to stay away from for one's own mental health.
Jun 16th 2013 new
Praying Saw this today. Maybe it will help?

www.positivelypositive.com.
Jun 17th 2013 new
(quote) Donna-871766 said: Saw this today. Maybe it will help?

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2013/06/16/a-tough-fathers-day-topic-which-needs-to-be-talked-abou...
Donna,
Thank you very much. I posted this on a FB discussion started by another single mom. Father's Day is REALLY hard for single moms.
Jun 17th 2013 new
(quote) Marge-938695 said: At the risk of sounding harsh (who, me?) ---

-- The relationship of an adult child with his parent is a problem between the two of them and nobody else.

-- An adult child can understand the concept of "who knows why?" -- and in his heart can understand and accept the concept of "some people are louses".

-- It's not easy to see your kids hurting...but it's not the first time, nor will it be the last. In any case, it's not the parent's job to bear this burden.

So, to answer the original question: What do you do/say? NOTHING. You just stand by to catch the tears...if there are any.
Marge,
I knew this would be coming from you, and I DO agree with you. As a matter of fact I DID remove myself from any involvement with the relationship or lack therefore between the kids and their father/his family, initially.
BUT my therapist said children of "dead beat dad's" do not emotionally develop at the appropriate rate, therefore, though they may be chronologically 20, emotionally they are preteen/teenagers. They do NOT understand "who knows why", nor can they accept the concept that their dad is a "louse".
Your statements hold true for the child that grew up in a emotionally healthy environment. The kids dad left when they were all teenagers and at that point their emotional development stopped. Many times when an individual experiences emotional trauma, the age at which they are when the trauma occurred, is where they get emotionally "stuck". I see this all of the time with my E.D. kids (emotionally disabled) in school.
As I described earlier, this situation is not one in which the Dad just walked out, but so did all of his family; grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. They have completely abandoned the kids. No more Thanksgiving dinners, Christmas presents (not even a card, though we send cards to them), no acknowledgement of cards received, NOTHING. It is as though the kids never existed.
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