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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

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What is chemistry?

Jul 8th 2013 new
Long have I pondered about this. I've read about it, I've thought and meditated about it, have sought counsel on what it can be based on other people's experiences, but I haven't found the answer. It seems that, even if I get to a point in dating where I have lots of things in common, can laugh with the other person about similar things, and can feel great with that person, I then suddenly get a cold shower from her: "I think you're a great guy, and we do have lots in common, but......we don't have chemistry." I'm out of my wits now as to what to do. You can get past the girl's checklist, move on from casual emails to chatting and talking on the phone, even meeting in person, but then just after you've been through all of those "tests", you fail miserably with the chemistry. I'm wondering whether somebody did witchcraft on me to make me have such bad luck. I just don't understand this situation anymore. To be honest it is frustrating.
Jul 8th 2013 new

I believe that chemistry is part of the relation-ary process where there evolves natural anxiety,,,,,then less anxiety when familiarity grows,,,,then much less anxiety when more compatability grows,,,,,then the natural next steps become no anxiety but some security in your partner and the relationship,,,,,followed by large amounts of that secure feeling,,,,,, then total security in every aspect of the relationship....

The total security then leads to inner contentment which then ALLOWS bestest friend Sweetheart chemistry...

This can take much time or little time to accomplish and can cease to exist at any of the steps as listed above....All the steps must be finished,,,,but the end result is security,,,,inner joy,,peace and contentment which can then be SHARED........GIVEN and RECEIVED !!!!


If not SHARED,,,,it really does NOT exist......
Jul 8th 2013 new
The problem is that most people, in this case I refer to the women I've met, because that's the only experience I have, if they don't feel that overwhelming tick at first, they say there's no chemistry. If that's so, then why did they answer to my messages and kept messaging with me for weeks, months over the phone, Skype everything just to tell me there is no chemistry. Chemistry wanes over time, what remains is affection and commitment. That's how I see it. Otherwise I'm pretty much stuck here, because I don't have the right biochemistry to attract someone, which looks more like a science class. I think we humans are much more than feelings triggered by chemicals.
Jul 8th 2013 new
Maybe I should put in my profile that I'm looking for casual fellowship, because it seems to me that is as far as I get. Why can't a woman just feel that electricity with me, or why isn't she patient and waits until it gradually develops?
Jul 8th 2013 new
You could just be having a string of bad luck Carlos and I'm sorry to hear that. It's tough and I've had similar experiences with people on this site. To start I'll give what I think the definition of chemistry, a lot of which I feel is similar to things you've already mentioned. I see it as that click you feel with someone you're talking to or spending time with, where things feel unusually natural in a good way, and there's that mutual attraction both physically and mentally. An example was one of the first people I talked to on this site.

Our messages were often long and easy to write, and when that wasn't possible there was constant courtesy to let the other know if we weren't able to to get back with a more appropriate response due to whatever reasons. We quickly moved onto texting one another often, wishing one another a good morning or night, or simply checking up on the other to make sure they were doing ok. It came natural for the two of us, we wanted to do these things, and in an instance where she was sick, I asked if she could text me that she made it back home safe from work, despite the fact that it'd wake up me when I'd need to sleep for work. I worried about her, even though I didn't know her extremely well, perhaps it was simply infatuation, but the feeling was mutual.

Soon after that we skyped, and the first one or two times really went well, but then on the third, she was feeling a bit sick, and tired, and despite trying to carry the conversation it didn't hold up too great. At this point she said she felt the "chemistry" was gone after that last conversation, but convinced her to give it another go, as I didn't believe that. After that the next couple conversations on skype went great, and she took back what she said. Long story short she ended up meeting someone much closer, which I was fine with since I was at least 11 hours away, and while I'm sure it would have been manageable, I knew I wouldn't be capable of offering her the same degree of attention someone who was probably within a half an hour of her could. In the end we still talk as good friends, and there aren't any hard feelings or anything.

It's a rough situation Carlos, and in your instance I don't know if it's a case of the person dating other people at the same, finding a closer connection with one of those other people, then deciding to break things off, or if they're just arbitrarily deciding that something feels slightly different, therefore the "chemistry" must be gone. While it sounds like you have more experience than I do in terms of the degree and number of contacts you've made with members, what I have gleaned from my experience on here is that some people are more mature than others. I've had plenty of people just randomly stop messaging, despite having good conversations with them, but I've had a small handful of people (the one I mentioned earlier as well), who've been wonderful, and considerate about how they approach things, as well as how they maintain contact.

Ultimately the person you'll end up with either through here, or outside of it, will be those things I described and not the kind of person who arbitrarily gives up on things. To give a point to women, and men as well, this site's purpose is to find the best possible person for us. Unfortunately as a result, we may lose some that we otherwise thought held a good connection with us. Continue to pray for God to help you find the right person for you, and hopefully someone will see something that others may not have appreciated. My final piece of advice, and the reason I stay on this site, is that it only takes one person to change your entire life, and if you're looking for a good catholic, this is one of the best places you can look. Good luck Carlos.
Jul 8th 2013 new
Ain't no such thing as chemistry! irked

I hate that word.

I truly believe that when people say, "there's no chemistry", what they mean is, "I don't find him/her sexually attractive".

You don't need that kind of "chemistry". Sexual attraction grows once you have established a mental connection that can grow into an emotional connection which can grow into a spiritual connection which can then become a social/legal connection and finally a physical connection.

In fine, are you on the same wavelength? Talk the same lingo? Think in the same manner? Find the same things funny? Or do you wonder what he/she is all about and where they're coming from?
Jul 8th 2013 new
(quote) Carlos-977696 said: .... why isn't she patient and waits until it gradually develops?
BINGO.

Most folks aren't patient. Most (esp. never-marrieds) seem to think the sky is going to open up and a Voice from Heaven is going to announce, "This is your Beloved in whom you will be well pleased".

Life and love don't work like that. It takes TIME and PATIENCE, as Kenny has already said.

Give the guy/gal a chance!
Jul 8th 2013 new
It's when you feel a connection or attraction with someone. I believe there's intellectual chemistry, sexual chemistry and spiritual chemistry. On the romantic side it's either there or it's not at least that's what I've found from experience.
Jul 8th 2013 new
(quote) Carlos-977696 said: Long have I pondered about this. I've read about it, I've thought and meditated about it, have sought counsel on what it can be based on other people's experiences, but I haven't found the answer. It seems that, even if I get to a point in dating where I have lots of things in common, can laugh with the other person about similar things, and can feel great with that person, I then suddenly get a cold shower from her: "I think you're a great guy, and we do have lots in common, but......we don't have chemistry." I'm out of my wits now as to what to do. You can get past the girl's checklist, move on from casual emails to chatting and talking on the phone, even meeting in person, but then just after you've been through all of those "tests", you fail miserably with the chemistry. I'm wondering whether somebody did witchcraft on me to make me have such bad luck. I just don't understand this situation anymore. To be honest it is frustrating.

According to JPII in his book Love and Responsibility this chemical reaction is a metaphysical sexual attraction that urges the desire between a man and woman. It is truly a gift from God called Eros love (Theology of the Body). This biological gift allows the ability to procreate and bring new life into the world. What a blessing! The problem arises when this desire is translated into a utilitarian concept of egoism to please oneself. Literally, the opposite of Love is To Use.

The chemical reaction is only the beginning and to move toward a more authentic love as Emmanuel states it take two whole healthy mature individuals to take the responsibility of making a choice. Ethical love at its highest virtue is the supernatural gift of Charity. It is the spiritual reality of free will to die to oneself as a gift for the authentic commitment for one person.

The chemical charge has to be raised up to its highest value of Love as a virtue which is connected emotionally, sensually, morally, and spiritually. Love cannot be based on the body alone and has to affirm the entire value of the beloved.

Chemistry is a true gift from God that is an important element for marriage. Keep praying and God will surely bless you with your beloved.

Jul 8th 2013 new
Welcome to the forums, Vanissa. And thank you for this enlightening post. Most interesting and informative. I've often wondered about the "chemistry" angle and this explains it well.
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